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My bf has put on weight (chubby)... and im starting to find him unattractive

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I really don't get where this notion of pure unconditional love comes from.

Have we really evolved so much so that attraction has transcended the physical and sex has become tantric in nature?

I hardly think it's the biggest imposition to ask for someone to revert back to their former self.

I realise OP hasn't given details, so I will assume he was relatively slim/defined before and it wasn't like asking him to have abs so deep you lose your fingers between the gaps.

Reply 61

Jelkin

tinktinktinkerbell

you dont be with someone you dont find attractive, she should dump him not try to change him

Has it not occurred to you that he might prefer to KNOW that she has a problem with his weight so that HE can decide whether to change or lose the relationship? I know that if I were getting too unattractive for my boyfriend, I'd rather he let me know so that I could slim down for him rather than suddenly find myself dumped without warning.

Reply 62

_Shanice_

TheVanityAffair

Why has he gained?

Maybe because he feels comfortable with her? People tend to put on weight when they settle into a relationship and aren't looking for anything or anyone else.

Anonymous

So as the title says, hes not fat, but has become chubby,... its mainly the top half of his body.

I wish i could still find him attractive, but i cant,.. i just realised the other day, he took his top off and thought it would turn me on, however the opposite happened.. and i got turned off :frown:

and preferred him with his top on.

Ive talked to him about eating healthy and exercise.. and he says he does try,... but i dont think he really is, and he could easily look alot better.... he is very good looking.

Im not trying to be a **** but i feel its affecting our sexual life, because i just get turned off after abit. And i dont want to keep pretending that its okay.

So i dont know what to do, or to say to him?

Like I said above it's probably to do with the fact that he's comfortable being in a relationship and doesn't want anyone else so in a way it's a compliment to you. If it's really that much of a problem for you then you need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel.

Reply 63

Indieboohoo

draikzer

Maybe if she wasn't such a demanding bitch he wouldn't reach for the cakes?

And let him go on top for a change! That'll lose the belly.

Need rep for that

Reply 64

Anonymous #2

*Star*Guitar*

Its not being shallow at all. You said it yourself, you should love personality just as much as looks. The OP obviously doesn't only care only about looks or she would have left him; but she wants to stay with the guy.

I can't believe the amount of people saying its shallow. My boyfriend turned around two years after being with me and said that my weight was a problem in the relationship. I'd put on only a few pounds and was still a size 10 and really not much different to when we first met. Is he shallow for saying that?
What's funny is, since then I've been losing weight in the aim of actually being thinner than before we met (purely for my own reasons). Yet he's put on a lil weight on his belly. Well guess what - I now find that a problem. Am I shallow?
We all have our preferences, and people change, but why should people necessarily have to accept those changes? She's not married to the guy and I bet they're not even 25 years old for crying out loud. Asking her boyf to lose a few pounds is hardly anything for someone to be getting on their high horse over.

I think it is totally shallow and that your comment is utter crap! Your boyfriend complained that you put on a few pounds when you were still a size TEN - WTF?! That is ridiculous! You may fall for someone based on a combination of personality and looks but does putting on a few lbs suddenly mean you don't love them like you used too? In that case I think you need to re-assess the meaning of truely loving someone.

I am a size 10, have put on a few pounds over the last few years and now have a podgy stomach which I can't seem to shift in my late 20s. But to be honest, I think there is more to life than worrying about whether I have the perfect bikini body. I eat healthily, exercise and I am totally in love and loved. Get some perspective.

Reply 65

sarahthegemini

Wtf, why are there so many people slagging off the OP because she says she no longer finds her BF attractive? He's put on weight, which makes him unattractive. It doesn't mean OP is a horrible person for goodness sake. Grow up. Why should she 'get over it' and carry on being unhappy and with someone she isn't sexually attracted to?

OP - You could always ask him if he wants to join a gym with you?

P.s. The others in this thread, are probably the fat one in their 'couple'

Reply 66

FunLady

unknownrebalz

Make him run/exercise and eat healthy with you.

You should suggest going to the gym or going for a bike ride with him :smile:

Go exercising together - will do you both the best of good!

Reply 67

Anonymous #3

Don't know why everyone is assuming the OP finds the problem so bad he should lose weight or she should dump him! That'd be harsh!

I'm in the same sort of situation - my bf has recently put on abit of weight and I can't help but find him less attractive. When we got together he was the ideal weight for his height and everything but now the extra weight on his top half is evident through his clothes (they're looking tight) and when he takes his top off I don't swoon any more.
I would NEVER dump him over this! and I still find him attractive.

I'm worried for his health more than anything and he himself keeps saying 'look how fat I've got' and its affecting his self esteem (which is low as it is!) so I don't know how to put it to him that he should think about healthier eating (in the last few months he's started pigging out on fizzy drinks and pizzas and he has very large portions). I think its down to the amount of stress he's been under with coursework and exams coming up so I don't want to add to his stress levels by bringing this up!

Reply 68

KJ_the_crazy_chick

Encourage him to eat healther food and do exercise together.

Reply 69

tinktinktinkerbell

draikzer

Exactly! People won't change when forced - or very rarely. We're not talking about massive amounts of fat anyway, from what I've ascertained from the OP.

But even if he was on the verge of dying from cholesterol - you really think you can change someone who doesn't want to be changed?!

By all means, talk to them, but in general - if they dont want to change. They WONT.

exactly

Reply 70

*Star*Guitar*

Anonymous

I am a size 10, have put on a few pounds over the last few years and now have a podgy stomach which I can't seem to shift in my late 20s. But to be honest, I think there is more to life than worrying about whether I have the perfect bikini body. I eat healthily, exercise and I am totally in love and loved. Get some perspective.

I'm 21. I want a bikini body. Perspective can come when I'm more like your age. Get over it.

Reply 71

00002

haha there's a lot of people out there tonight fancying themselves as taking the moral high ground but look don't listen to anyone who tells you that you're shallow for not finding him attractive because he's put on weight. they're obviously all fat themselves and are a bit touchy bout the whole thing but shhhh don't say anything or we'l get eaten.
As of the whole boyfriend thing i dunno how to advise u. I'm in a similar situation myself because my girlfriend has went up like 4 dress sizes in the 2 years we've been 2getha. I still fancy her. don't get me wrong i still think she's a gorgeous looking girl and i love her to bits. Only problem is i look at girls with a bit more tone to their shape (don't like dead skinny girls) and i just know that if she lost a stone she'd look incredibly sexy. But i, like you, don't really know how to approach the subject. I've tried encouraging her to eat better and exercise but she doesn't really pay attention.
So i dont know....but if you find out a way to let them know without hurting any feelings i'd really like to hear it :smile:

oh and just to reiterate u aint shallow

Reply 72

tinktinktinkerbell

00002

oh and just to reiterate u aint shallow

i will happily admit that im fat but im not touchy about it

i just hate people trying to tell others what to do

Reply 73

00002

tinktinktinkerbell

i will happily admit that im fat but im not touchy about it

i just hate people trying to tell others what to do

if you hate people telling other people what to do then don't go on about people being shallow. stop forcing your views on other people if you dont like people forcing their views.

Reply 74

tinktinktinkerbell

00002

if you hate people telling other people what to do then don't go on about people being shallow. stop forcing your views on other people if you dont like people forcing their views.

i didnt mention anything about her being shallow :rolleyes:

Reply 75

Anonymous #4

It's not shallow to have a problem with physical attraction to your partner. It's not like the OP has chosen this. He's the one who's changed (and it isn't an inevitable/unavoidable change).

You can call it shallow till you're blue in the face, it's not like she can just grit her teeth and be happy with it if that isn't how she feels.
What choice other than trying to give him some sensitive nudges does she have? To be dishonest? To end the relationship without giving him the chance to save it?

I would rather my partner treated me like an adult, rather than keeping little secrets so that I didn't know what was going wrong.

Reply 76

tinktinktinkerbell

Anonymous

shes already said shes given him nudges and it doesnt look like he wants to do anything about it

Reply 77

Ministerdonut

It's time to call a spade a spade here. Next time you are having sex and he's on top, start grabbing his moobs and say 'fuk me, it's like having a woman and top of me, lose some bloody weight, if I liked girls, I'd be with one'. You need to motivate him.

Reply 78

BeanofJelly

tinktinktinkerbell

shes already said shes given him nudges and it doesnt look like he wants to do anything about it

Apologies.. I haven't read the entire thread. I also don't really know why I was anon.. weird.

Well as it stands she has a few choices:

a) Put up with it in silence. I don't think this is a good option. I just think it's cruel and dishonest to "put up with" someone you're meant to love. This option depends on how important the weight gain is to her, and whether it will realistically go away. I mean.. if this is a phase and the OP really loves him, it's possibly worth riding it out quietly.

b) Make him lose weight on the sly. Ie: creating opportunities to feed him yourself, inviting him to physically active social events. Even something as sneaky as going swimming or to the gym and then inventing a flirty male friend he feels the need to come along and fight off. This option is a little bit evil though. I mean, it's dishonest and that's not really good for relationships.

c) Tell him that you are "concerned". Ie: for his health, for his happiness etc. Make it clear you've noticed the change. Talk it through. Directly suggest that he goes for exercise with you, eats healthier with you etc to lose the weight. Take on the "supportive mentor" role. Be there for him.
Of course this won't work if he's quite happy as he is.

i) It may be that he has gained weight because of some temporary stress or problem in which case helping him through is the kindest/most loving thing and will have the desired result for you both.

ii)But perhaps he has gained weight because actually all the being fit etc was never really him, and this is how he is most comfortable.

If option ii) you can either:

A) Lay it straight out. Tell him his weight is a problem for you, and that you think the relationship is likely to deteriorate if you can no longer find him attractive. I think this is probably the best and most honest option in this scenario. You can do it in the way that is most sensitive. It gives him the choice: to change, or if he doesn't want to, to give you up, and find someone who is happy with him as he is. You move on, he moves on, everybody's happy (kind of).

B) Initiate a war of nagging. Try to nag and coerce him into doing what you want. Bad move I think. I mean.. it'll stress you out, it'll stress him out.. and it'll probably kill the relationship before the flab does. As Tinkerbell says, his weight is ultimately his choice.

C) Dump straight out. I mean.. I don't see how that would be a good solution tbh, but hey maybe it'll save him from actually having to make the choice if you know he isn't going to change.

D) Revert to the original option a).

EDIT: BRAND NEW OPTION!!!

Reply 79