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How to stop being a crazy insecure girlfriend?

Hello

I used to think I was a normal girlfriend, I never thought I would be the insecure, crazy jealous type but I think I may be

- It makes me sad and angry when he doesn't text back, especially if we're not seeing each other that day. I can handle a couple of hours between us texting each other but if he just doesn't text back to say goodnight or that goodbye or something it really pees me off
- Don't like the thought of him going out with friends, I think he's going to cheat
- Every girl we see I feel as though he's wishing I was more like them
- Feel jealous of his female friends. It makes me really angry when he talks about other girls.
- I expect him to be there whenever I need him even when he doesn't know I want him there. I expect him to do things without me asking. I am aware that it's irrational and that he isn't a mind reader.
- I feel as though he doesn't find me attractive even though every day he tells me he thinks I'm beautiful

He doesn't know I'm so insecure and slightly crazy (although he's guessed a bit) and I don't want him to know. I want to be cool girlfriend. How to I be a cool girlfriend?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

I've also looked through his phone and 'facebook stalked' him which is the stupidest thing ever because I have never found anything out over facebook that I didn't already know

Reply 2

Georgiahoneybee

1

Wow, you need to calm down!
A lot of these issues sound like the result of insecurity. Have you been cheated on in the past? Bullied? Anything which you can pin down as a reason for the way you feel about yourself.
I think you need to work on being a cool version of yourself as opposed to a "cool girlfriend"- what I mean by that, is that you need to work on yourself rather than your relationship. Has he ever given you a reason to doubt he'll be faithful? Or are you just winding yourself up?
Honestly, insecurity isn't the most attractive thing in a partner. I think everyone can handle it up to a point, but when it is completely unfounded, I think it starts to grate.
You need to stop facebook "stalking" him, you don't need to do it, you gain nothing from it. You need to accept that he needs time with his friends (male and female!!) and that this is a healthy part of any relationship; he wants to spend time with them, he's not using it as an excuse to cheat. Do you go out with your friends looking to cheat? No. You've said it yourself, he's not a mind reader- give him a chance, tell him what you want from him. Otherwise you'll end up angry with him for no reason at all! Boys (as a general rule) are fairly rubbish at texting and don't see it as important to reply straight away (trust me, my boyfriend is the same), it's annoying, but you can deal with it. And finally, he DOES think you're attractive (as you said, he's told you so), it's you who doesn't think so!
I completely understand what you're saying, and I know it's hard. But you realise your behaviour and thoughts are unreasonable/unfounded, so you need to start slowing down and thinking about things properly so you don't end up winding yourself up and ruining your relationship.
Good luck :smile:

Reply 3

drewchanelle93

For the friendship part - why don't you ask him to introduce you to them? Perhaps do things with him and them? Like bowling or a night out? Maybe you should try to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel, and about the attractive thing - if he didnt find you attractive, i doubt he'd be with you. You need to work at these things. Everyone goes through an insecure time whether they've been together 1 year or 10 years but honestly you need to work together to get tbrough it.

Reply 4

BibblyBobbly

8

Easy solution - get dumped!

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

I've always been quite shy but I'm better now. I don't consider myself ugly, in fact I think I'm quite attractive but I still don't seem to have very high self esteem

I constantly compare myself to everyone. I just have a hard time believing that anyone could love me at all. I keep thinking he's going to cheat or leave me and I don't know why because he's really not the kind of person to do that and rationally I know he probably won't but I can't help but think that it's going to happen. It's making me so miserable because I obsess over such stupid things and when he goes out I just sit there imagining he's going to come round or ring me and tell me he's cheated on me.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

I think it's good you at least notice these things about yourself - it's a first step. I can't really tell you anything about how to deal with it, but I was in a similar position, and my boyfriend being very popular with girls always going after him (even having some crazy stalker begging him to kiss her) didn't help either. Try to find reasons for feeling this way, why are you so insecure? Are you just affraid of being hurt and dumped? Do you feel you can't cope without him? Try getting involved in things unrelated to him, make yourself busy and have other interests that will make you feel better about yourself, give you self esteem. If he is just an awesome part of your life but not everything, you'll be more relaxed and not worried so much. When this type of thoughts come to your mind, distract yourself with other things, chase them away. And yeah, how long have you been together? I think time helps as well, if the bond between you two becomes stronger.

Reply 7

Tashalls

11

Next time you feel yourself getting angry just breath and try and find something that will distract your brain untill you can think more clearly. Tell yourself a little mantra that he does find you attractive, that if he didn't he wouldn't be with you and imagine you silly you would think it if he said he didn't want you hanging round with his friends/ that he thought you didn't find him attractive.

You just need distractions I think, you've put too much weight on him when, although he should be there for you, you should also be able to deal with things yourself and have other support around you.

When the little things upset you just keep telling yourself that it's not a big deal, hopefully you'll soon beleive it :smile:

.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

We've been together a year and yes I am very scared of being hurt. I always told myself I would never put myself in such a vulnerable position but I have become emotionally dependent on him. For the first 6 months we were with each other 24/7 we didn't really talk to anyone else. I have never had many friends anyways but the few people I could possibly have become closer with I just forgot about because I was so concentrated on him.

Obviously things can't carry on like that and it got a bit less crazy and he started spending more time with his friends or doing stuff he used to do but I didn't get back into doing all that. I was just so happy the way it was I didn't ever want it to stop and I guess I was kind of upset that he didn't feel the same way even though deep down I knew that that phase wasn't going to last forever. I know I need to get some hobbies and friends but it's just so hard and on top of that I have other commitments like work and a lot more studying that he has so I don't have as much free time as him and as a result find myself wanting to spend all the free time I do have with him.

Reply 9

9MmBulletz

16

If OP doesn't have many friends of her own, it would all make sense. If that was the case, I would dump you. I could never go out with a girl who had no friends outside her boyfriend

Reply 10

HARRY PUTAH

14

Anonymous

We've been together a year and yes I am very scared of being hurt. I always told myself I would never put myself in such a vulnerable position but I have become emotionally dependent on him. For the first 6 months we were with each other 24/7 we didn't really talk to anyone else. I have never had many friends anyways but the few people I could possibly have become closer with I just forgot about because I was so concentrated on him.

Obviously things can't carry on like that and it got a bit less crazy and he started spending more time with his friends or doing stuff he used to do but I didn't get back into doing all that. I was just so happy the way it was I didn't ever want it to stop and I guess I was kind of upset that he didn't feel the same way even though deep down I knew that that phase wasn't going to last forever. I know I need to get some hobbies and friends but it's just so hard and on top of that I have other commitments like work and a lot more studying that he has so I don't have as much free time as him and as a result find myself wanting to spend all the free time I do have with him.

Your ability to cling onto him is putting him off.

Get a reality check or are you just insecure and whipped like a bitch?

Reply 11

Meh.

You sound like me, except I'm probably only at 20% level of what you just described. But like you, I never expected myself to be insecure or paranoid at all, so it was quite an unpleasant surprise to discover that.

You have to rationalise what you're fearing with what you know is the truth. And don't facebook-stalk him or dwell on these insecurities so much. Over time, they will diminish. You will see your relationship become stronger and he will prove that you are the one being irrational. However, if you continue feeding on these insecurities, your relationship may very well go the opposite direction.

Reply 12

Playboy King II

Woah.

Your boyfriend should bitch slap you :hand:

Reply 13

victorialou23

spend a year being single.. all thats happened is you've gotten insecure and now you rely on his judgement instead of your own in terms of how good you think you are... we're teenagers we change all the time its very normal to lose youe sense of self indentity as you've linked your indetity to your boyfriends perception of you... you need to get back your self worth again spend some time being single travel somewhere on your own you just need to find yourself again. This seems to have happened to most girls i know at some point its all a part of growing up... do it now before you end up pushing him away

Reply 14

stinky--pete

11

similar sort of position but not as loopy!! i think i'm not attractive and have 'the scary dream' which is him cheating when we go to different unis. just relax and calm yourself!! if you can't trust him, you can't be in a relationship with him, or anyone, you need to sort your trust issues out first. councilling/therapy might be an idea. good luck :smile:

Reply 15

flowermaster91

14

bitch need to get chris browned, allow wasting 10p credit saying 1 word :hand:

Reply 16

Watch Out For Sharks

8

Cheat on him. Then you'll always know deep down inside that YOU WIN.

Reply 17

n0c0ntr0l

12

Watch Out For Sharks

Cheat on him with a girl. Then you'll always know deep down inside that YOU WIN.

amended

Reply 18

dhokes

13

Learn to love yourself and how to be independent.

Reply 19

Anonymous #3

Wow this sounds a lot like how I feel.. except perhaps not so bad.

TBH I don't know how to sort out the feelings but what you must do is try to control your behaviour, in order to protect the relationship. Because paranoid insecurity will drive him away.

This includes:
Refraining from invading his privacy - ie: STOP looking through his phone.
Try not to blame him/ get angry at him. There is nothing worse than someone literally taking out their insecurities in anger directed at you, when you haven't done anything wrong.
Try not to continuously nag at him with your insecurities. I mean, communicate yes, nag NO.

Once you're not actually behaving in a slightly nutty/off-putting fashion you can stop feeling so bad.. about feeling bad, and hopefully you won't drive your bf insane :p:

And then perhaps you can concentrate on obliterating feelings of mistrust/insecurity within yourself.

Not really sure how to go about that second part.. :p:

Because I'm kind of stuck there myself. Suggestions:

Try to reverse thought patterns you have. Ie: When you see another girl that you would normally be jealous of, consciously think of some way in which you trump her, and in your mind play up its importance in relation to whatever way you think she is better than you.
Try to reinforce yourself (thinking of things you like about yourself), and use your bf to reinforce yourself. Like a little game I like to play if I am feeling crap is the compliment game. Take it in turns to say something you love about the other. It's kinda lame, but it makes me feel better without being entirely one-sided (I would hope it makes him happy too).

Umm.. try to do more things that you enjoy, are good at, and are proud of. Achievement in things that you are good at will make you feel better about yourself.

One thing I did.. perhaps a little weird.. maybe even damaging to the wrong person, does sound a little crazy.. :s-smilie:

Is when I was really low, really feeling ****... I just wrote down every bad thing I could think of to describe myself. All the bad traits that I have, the annoying things that I do.. some of them not even that true but I things I sometimes think about myself. I wrote them down in a list, and I just keep them. And I dunno, maybe it was something else but because they were written down I felt I didn't need to be thinking about them all the time. Like.. I could think about other things cause I didn't have to keep track.. they were all written down. If I think of something else I add it to the list, and then I know it's there and I can work on it.
And sometimes I look at it and think "well actually, it's a long list, but it's not that long" or "well at least I didn't write down this or that, because I'm not that bad" or sometimes "hey actually I don't think that one is really true". Anyway... :o:

Terrified of someone (esp bf) finding the list though because I feel they wouldn't understand and think I was a nutjob.

How to stop being a crazy insecure girlfriend?

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