TSR DECISIONS DROP IN Q and A NOW OPEN - GET FREE ADVICE HERE >>

Long term crush [warning, very long story...]

OK, I'm just gonna ramble on and give pretty much the whole story. No-one really needs to answer I just really needed to get it off my chest but theres no-one I can tell. Although replies are welcome!

Theres this friend I've fancied for about 5 years now and despite my other mates urging me to just go for it and tell him, even him telling me to tell the person I fancy (some very weird and funny conversations with him, cos I wouldn't tell him and he was saying 'if you can't tell me how are you ever gonna tell him') I've never done it. Lack of confidence mostly, and other stuff to I guess.
Anyway, a while ago I found out one of my mates fancied him to, not as long as me (and this was bit upsetting cos she told me that one of my best mates had been persuading her to go for him at the same time she was being all supportive to me about it), and I just accepted it. Plus she said she was over him.
In the past year I've been kinda unsure whether I still like him to that extent, but I decided that yeh I do.
Then a couple of weeks ago she was being overly friendly and peppy then finially she came up to me and admitted she still liked him and was I ok with that and blah blah blah. I was like yeh, sure, (I guess in my head I figured nothing would happen with them anyway), and said to her, I've fancied him for a long time and I honestly can't see me ever telling him so I can hardly stop anyone else.
Well, now he's confided in me that he really likes this girl he's going out with and was really nervous bout their first date, then the next day I figure out he was talking bout my mate. But I was kinda stressed at the time so I didn't much care. But then when we went in to pick up our results he was there (like he said he would be) but it was the first time I saw them together and it kinda hurt.
I'm jealous and don't really know what to do. I mean I really have no right over him, but I'm friends with them both, close friends with him, and I'm gonna have to see them together. Probably tomorrow cos I'm going to a house party thing at her place.
I dunno if I want to, but I can't back out.
And I can't back out of seeing him other times cos I see him so rarely but now it'll mostly be both of them and I'm all confused and upset and jealous and I don't want to be.
And then what do I do if they break up, not only can I now never go out with him, if they have a bad break up I'm in the middle cos I've known him for years and he's a family friend and she's in my group of mates. Plus she's being way over peppy at the moment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

hazzawazza

If this girl is your mate, I think shes out of order to just come and take him away after knowing how much you like him. And as for the guy, does he have any idea how you really feel? Maybe you should tell him before it's too late because otherwise it will really affect your friendships with both of them.

Reply 2

northern_lass

I'd talk to the guy. I know it sounds simple, and is the general advice given to most people in these situations, but it genrly does work and you get your head sorted as to how they feel about you.

I hate crushes. I currently have one on this guy from work. He is friends with my friend from college(he went to my college too, i just didnt know him until i started work). well, recently, we've been getting on really well at work, and he kept asking me if I was going out on results night.i'd also been catching reallly flirty glances from him at work, but did just think that it was all in my head, but it made me think i possibly did like him. anyway, i did go out and spoke to him at the begining of the night, and when we all moved onto the dancefloor, i noticed him looking at me. i sort of knew one of his other friends, and she came over to me and hugged me, and we wer dancing for a while when she sed, someone fancies you. this really took me by surprise, but it turned out that it was him. she pulled him over to me and we kissed, then we went and sat down and were just talking about random crap, and we kissed again a few times through the night. he left before me, and we wer all pretty drunk by this point, so i wasnt sure if he had said he liked me because of the drink, or because he actually meant it. i txt him while i was still out, he txt back, so i txt him again but he hasnt txt me since then. im suposed to be working tomoro, so i would have thought it would be an ideal opportunity for him to txt me tonight, but he hasnt done. now i feel like im just waiting by my phone.

sorry about that, needed to rant, and if you read all that, well done! think im going to take my own aadvice and just talk to him, but i dont know when im going to see him next, becasue i know hes got the next couple of weeks off work, not sure if hes working tomorow, but im not. we are having a works do thing at the begining of september, but i dont think i can wait that long until i talk to him. :frown:

why is life so complicated!

Reply 3

Little Girl Red

if they break up you can definitely go out with him! my boyfriend used to be my best mate's boyfriend - we were REALLY close. he was also my best friend - complicated, ey! my guess is that he secretly fancies you too - i say this because usually in a boy/girl close relationship it happens at some time (despite everybody being like "oh no that never happens", it so always does). so if they break up then don't worry about the whole cant-date-best-friend's-ex thing, because you definitely can, i know lots of people who have done it. it might be awkward with your friend for a while, but you can definitely do it.
with me and my boyfriend, nothing was said between us to change our status from best friend to couple, it just happened - we were hugging on his bed and ended up kissing. if you can get up the guts to do it, it can be the best thing ever. we're planning to get married in a year and a half :biggrin:

i know its hard seeing them together but just be patient. your feelings might change and theirs might change. and if they break up, just go for it. the worst that can happen would be him telling you he doesn't like you in that way - and if he's a nice guy he'll do it nicely.

Reply 4

TKR

I have a crush on rich... sorry that was pointless but necessary information

:love:

Reply 5

Poica

Your friend wasn't wrong to go for this guy if she liked him, even if you did, but I'm assuming she knows you like him. You could ask her to cool off with him when you're around because you feel uncomfortable. And give them a bit of space after going to what you promised to go to, because it's never going to get better if the wound is just kept open. If you're good friends with both of them, then all you can do is hope they're happy and move on.

Reply 6

boyla

You cant have dibs for five years. Hazzawazza

Reply 7

BluEyeDevil

boyla

You cant have dibs for five years. Hazzawazza

I know, he's just never dated one of my mates before.

and kinda replying to what someone else said, supposedly he did know that I fancied him and he fancied me back (this is what a few of my friends told me after talking to him). Except they then said he won't ask me out and I have to do it. But he already knew I'd never do it myself, cos I'd already told him that I'd never tell the guy I have a crush on. I think my mates were just playing with my head.

Reply 8

Silly Wench

I fancied a lad for about 3 years. At first, I knew he fancied me, and I fancied him, but he never seemed to be able to actually come up to me and ask me out or kiss me or whatever, and I was too shy to ever initiate anything. He had lots of long chats with one of my mates that he knew and with my mum (he worked in the pub where my mum drank) and apparently he was always saying how much he liked me, this, that, and the other.

Anyway, this whole I fancied him, he fancied me thing went on for ages without anything ever actually happening. Then I think after about six months or so later, he went off me and just saw me as a friend. He started seeing other people and I just kinda hung onto him. By this time I was absolutely smitten with him, my every last thought was of the two of us getting together, and it wasn't going to happen. On new year's eve a couple of years ago I got absolutely smashed and plucked up the courage to go over and make a pass at him. He kissed me back-this is a long arguement that we've both joked about, as he recons it was all one sided- but anyway, he told me that he only liked me as a friend.

I still to this day (I'm over him now, have been for a while now) regret not having made a move on him earlier. I know now that if I like someone, tell them. What have you got to loose? I'd rather be rejected and put my mind at ease that nothing is ever going to happen, then spend years craving someone that I'm not going to go for, it just seems like a waste of time and emotions, if that makes sense.

I recon you should talk to this lad, and tell him how you feel, even if i does end in him saying, sorry, but we're just friends. If you are good friends, I doubt it'll come between your friendship anyway, he'll probably just be flattered. Go for it! :smile:

Reply 9

Amlea

Yeah talk to the guy about how you feel.

I doubt it'll come between your friendship anyway, he'll probably just be flattered. Go for it!

Reply 10

~Raven~

Honey, your friend should have been more considerate, I know exactly how it feels for a mate to go out with someone you like, but I was the same as you... they asked and I said it was ok. Because she asked you, it kinda means that you had a bit of control over the situation, although it is really difficult to say no to something like that. :redface:

I think you can do one of 2 things now, either leave it, and suffer the consequences (coz to be fair, you have had your chance to tell him), or tell them both now before they get too serious! Hope it all goes well :hugs:

Reply 11

CasterTroy

BluEyeDevil

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!

Can we make sure A level results are posted in the correct thread. Thank you.

Reply 12

BluEyeDevil

CasterTroy

Can we make sure A level results are posted in the correct thread. Thank you.

Don't I just wish I got those grades!

Reply 13

Lirael Abhorsen

well, if he's the better friend as it may turn out you may not see this other girl after going to uni, then maybe you should talk to him about it, just to settle the score if nothing else, cos it sounds like their relationship's going to make her resent you anyway......

saying that if shes a good friend you'll probably have to move on and learn to accept it, cos you have had plenty of time over this thing, and i'm sure he'll still be there for you as a friend.

Reply 14

khil

Me too - but I'm happy with my grades cus I got into my first choice :biggrin:

Anyway back to the thread - hmmm I think people's replies ahve been unfair to your friend - she did ask you, after all, and considering you have 5 years' worth of chances to tell him and do something about your feelings, no I don't think blame should be put on your friend (not saying you are blaming your friend - just felt I should say it though)

I'm just thinking is there any point in telling the guy of your feelings now? Whenever you feel jealous - tell yourself don't be - try and be happy for your 2 friends :smile:

Being happy for someone you care about really does help kill any signs of jealousy. I think you're going on the right track in telling yourself no you shouldn't be jealous - it's natural to be jealous but just keep fighting the jealousy cus it'll just make you bitter and ruin two special friendships for you. Instead of thinking - he'll never be mine - think - he's so happy I've never seen him so happy. And think - isn't that what you want, ultimately? Move on, there're a million other nice guys in the world :hugs:

I remember I fancied someone for ages (fine, not ages, just a couple of months) and at the time he was single - then he told me he's got a girlfriend (he guessed I fancied him by the tone of his text) and at first obviously I'm not exactly happy. Then I sighed and decided to move on - a couple of days later he actually got me to join in on a msn convo with his girlfriend. She was a lovely person and it was so clear they were really crazy about each other and was so happy together. After that I just couldn't find it in my heart to be jealous - they were so happy together. And now I'm over the guy anyway :smile:

Still good friends, which is cool :biggrin:

I know your situation is a lot more intense and complicated, but in the end, the principles are the same.

However if they do ever break up - there is no rule in the book that says you can't go out with the guy if he likes you too. You friend went out with him even though you still liked him. So why should he be off-limits if he's broken up with his girlfriend?

Reply 15

CasterTroy

Youc an die any time. Don't pen in a crush on someone. what do you have to lose? always go for it. so you get rejected? you'll move on. life is too short. you could be dead tomorrow. have no regrets. live it to the full. say nothing, and nothig will happen. go for it, theres always a chance. are you feeling lucky? do you feel lucky, punk?

Reply 16

boyla

not too soon

Reply 17

Alias_Alyssa

You sound alot like myself...I'm not the most confident person and I'm kinda old fashioned as I believe it is a males duty to as a girl out. Jealously is an ugly thing and try as we might to act virtuous and generous, us females can never do it. I know I can only hold out so long before jealousy drives me up the walls (it shows behind my closed doors) Longest I've had a real crush on someone has been a year and a half...so you're pretty devoted with 5 years!!!

I found myself in a similar situation a few months ago. I'd moved on from my "year and a half" crush "JB" and fell for a course mate (REM) of mine from Uni. At first I thought he was the rebound boy...he was younger than me by a year and a bit. I don't normally like younger guys, but we were so good together in everyway. We didn't really hit it off til after Xmas and we'd hang out. So much so that my female coursemates began to tease us and say we were a couple. We laughed off this tease but it months after it became real...I fell for him. I kept my feeling aside and unknown to "REM" and continued our friendship. He confided in me about his fancies of the opposition, I'd just help him with female advice. He told me all about his love interests. Then on our penultimate night out, he was dancing with other female coursemates, I got really jealous and left. I always managed to cover up my jealous but it let slip and he began asking questions. It was so abrupt and forceful that I admitting to liking "REM". He said he would've felt the same if he'd known earlier but he had complications.

After we went home, away from Uni, he confessed what his complication was. He told me he was in a bad mood and I asked why and he said he didn't wanna say. But as I didn't question further, strangely he decided to tell me. The "complication" was that he was in love with another girl but she had a boyfriend. But this girl told him she liked him too, more so that her b/f, but she didn't want to break up with him as they were going on holiday togther and she still liked him (but not as much as REM). I was furious and upset...furious with her and upset that I hadn't known about this love interest. How could a girl with a boyfriend fall in love with another guy? She was so selfish to cling onto both...She told REM how she went through alot of hurt and pain to be with him...I never complained of what I went through to hang out with him, not to mention me turning down "JB"'s advances (they always want what they can't get, just when I moved on, "JB" starts courting me!!!)

REM told me he's waiting to see what happens when we all go back to uni. I won't see him as much though this year as we're not course mates anymore...but we're still friends [signs]

Sorry for the essay....

Z :biggrin:

Reply 18

piiiink

My best friend decided he had feeligns for me. At first, I told him I didn't feel the same. I suppose he "wore me down" with his CONTINUOUS telling me how he felt. But it never lasted more than a week or something equally silly, it just wasn't right. He was a friend and nothing more. But then, we were all out one night, a group of us, on my birthday. I was with another boy, and he said he was fine with it. He said it made him realise that he had no feelings for me, and so made it his mission to pull the first girl that came along. Then he ignored me for a week. Then we were friends again, and all was back to normal. Until he started getting jealous. No boy was any good for me, he couldn't stop thinking about me and blah blah. He generally just made it VERY difficult for us to be friends. He'd act very down all the time, and make me avoid certain areas of conversation just because he didn't want to hear about them. Final straw when he decided to hate a good-looking male friend of mine who I'd been friends with for years, just because he thought there was something going on. (Obviously by now we weren't best friends, we'd drifted far from it!)

Moral of this story being: If your going to tell someone hwo you feel, respect their feelings and don't force yours onto them. If your not going to tell someone how you feel, its unfair to get iffy with them because they're with someone else!

Reply 19

missjelly

hey girl.

i had a crush on this guy for 7 yrs all through high school. bear in mind, the reality of dating him cannot meet your fantasy.must be tough seeing them tog ether tho.

my advice is this:

say to the guy that you have liked him for a long time (5 yrs) and thats why you dodnt want to say anything. but tell him you can see he is with her now, and you are happy for them. he has to know. if i found out my mate fancied me for that long, i'd give them a chance if i was slightly unhappy. also, it means any awkward ness should go away.