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Surviving inpatient treatment for anorexia

Hey TSRians.
I apologise in advance for this ridiculously long rambling, self absorbed post.

I'm writing this from an inpatient eating disorders unit. I've been in hospital for 3 months now. I'm finding it incredibly hard. It doesn't help that the food is awful. The only support I get is from the other patients. I don't know what to do because being here is making me suicidal and more determined to lose the weight they're making me gain. I want to want to get better but I just... don't. And it's sad, because being here makes me shocked by how old people are and, frankly, what a waste of time it is.
I'm terrified because they forced me in here(they said, if I don't 'voluntarily' come in, they would section me) before I was ready to utilise help, I know logically I'll never be 'ready' to recover so I should start now but the other side of me just wants to keep losing weight until something happens just to prove that something WILL happen and to prove that I definately can't continue not eating because even though I know logically no-one can survive without eating, I won't forgive myself if I get better without knowing that I (in particular) can't survive without eating.
That's awful reasoning though because why the hell should I wait for something to happen to me before I recover?
But I just don't feel ready to recover. I'm not even sure recovery exists.
I don't even know why I'm posting this, except I just want to know if anyone else here has been in this situation and how you're doing now.

Being forced into hospital is just making me so angry that I'm doing exactly what one of the nurses told me not to do on my first night- eating to get out.
Ultimately, I know it's pointless and achieves nothing except putting me back in here.
But I feel so discouraged. I spoke to my consultant asking if I could leave because I'm almost at the BMI they want me to be. But he said he's not going to let me leave even if I get to the BMI they want because my mindset hasn't changed. That's my fault for being point blank honest with him and telling him exactly what I'm typing now.

I don't really know how to deal with being in here in a positive way. It just feels like torture. I never asked for the doctors to 'save' me and put me in hospital so I have no gratitude whatsoever. I do what they want me to do, I eat, I have my snacks etc.
But deep down I know I'm holding on to my eating disorder with all my might and I don't know why.
I'm angry. Mostly with myself for letting things get so out of hand. I still can't believe I'm in hospital.
I feel like I'll be able to control not eating better 'next time'. And then I catch myself and think what the hell. I know that's a lie. I know it WILL get just as out of control as this time.
I know in a way I'm lucky to have got to the weight I did without any (lasting) health problems. I know I shouldn't tempt fate by leaving hospital and starting the cycle all over again.
But in my head the screaming is so intense. I feel like I HAVE to. Even though logically I know I don't HAVE to do anything.

I just don't know how to deal with being here and the food and the emotions and the weight gain.
I have therapy once a week but my therapist has been away for two weeks and it's never helpful anyway even though I really do try to get something from it.

I'm just wondering if anyone has some motivational stories (or not) for me because at the moment I feel quite worried that they're going to keep me in hospital forever and/or I'll never get better (when I do decide I want to).

I don't even know why I'm posting.
Sorry.

Reply 1

ununpentium

13

I've never been treated for an eating disorder, but I have been sectioned for depression/personality disorder/self harm/suicde. I was put onto a secure ward and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I wanted to continue self harming, I didnt want to recover, I just wanted out. But after I spent christmas day in there it hit me just how serious it was. And I knew that I never, ever wanted to be anywhere like that again. If I lied and told them I was fine and held off self harming for a few months to get out, I'd be mucking it up for myself in the long run because ultimately I'd just end up there again and again. So it was kind of a lightbulb moment and I knew I had to recover. So I threw all of my negative energy into getting better and it started to work.

There were people in that unit who had been there four years and who were probably never going to get out. I couldnt let myself become like that.

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Hey, I don't really know what to say that will help you, because what works for someone doesn't necessarily work for someone else, but I promise recovery does exist. I never wanted to get better either, but by putting all my energy into thinking positively I turned my opinions around. Once you take your first steps to real recovery (as in, actually wanting to eat, not just gaining weight - being a healthy weight doesn't make you recovered) it does get easier. I don't know how to help you personally, but for me, everytime those thoughts came into my head I drowned them out, just kept thinking "it's a lie, it's a lie, it's a lie". Put all the energy you spend thinking about eating and your weight into being really determined to get better. Turn off the little calculator in your brain (well, I had one anyway, and it seems like it's never going to go away, but it will).

It sounds like there's still a big part of you that believes the "eating-disorder voice". You don't want better, you just want out even though you know the cycle will just repeat itself, and until you can accept that as long as you listen to that voice you'll never be in control, you won't be recovered. But don't give up, because you CAN do it. It just takes time, and although 3 months might seem like a long time, think about how long you've been letting your eating control your life. I bet it's a lot longer, and it takes time to unlearn that behaviour.

Just don't give up. It will happen for you, you just have to keep on and on trying, even when you think you can't anymore. You've obviously got a lot of willpower, now's the time to use it.

I really really hope you get better. Remember that there are lots of people out there who've done it. If they can, so can you. Good luck xxxxx

PS. Also don't apologise for asking for help! You have just as much right as anyone else to.

Reply 3

purpleduck

1

OP, you deserve more than just sitting in a hospital bed all day. There is so much more in life to enjoy and you are denying yourself all this. Nobody can make you change your behavior until you realise this. Think how lucky you are to have survived what you have been through, that is something to be proud of. You have been given a chance to make things normal for yourself again, take it! Turn your life around! Instead of channeling all your energy on negative things, take control on improving your life. If you really try and want to, you could be out of hospital in no time, having fun and appreciating all the good things in life. Don't end up another statistic, be a success story :woo:

Reply 4

Anonymous #3

Well I was treated in 2007 in a NHS unit type thing like you. Have they given you an NG? thats a pretty big motivation because i hate to say it but a tube up your nose hurts an awful lot.

Oh and motivation 2: (bombshell i'm afraid) I now have a (minor) heart condition and can't have children. Please do not continue with a fluctuating weight and think of your health (how i wish i had)

Reply 5

Anonymous #4

I used to have tendencies but fortunatley i snapped out of it before i got to the stage your at now. i made a concious decision that i did deserve to be healthy, it was all about loving myself for me. now i just try to make sure i eat from all the food groups and go to gym most days, sounds harder than it is really, but it stops me feeling out of control.

Reply 6

Anonymous #5

Hi there,
I'm not really sure what to say, but I know that there is a life out there other then one dominated by an ED. I've had anorexia for seven years and was iinpatient when 13...I didnt want to get better either, and felt like I was constantly fighting against those trying to help me get better. I ended up being transferred and tube fed and pretty much hit rock bottom, people werent going to sit back a let me starve myself and im glad now that they didnt.
With the weight gain my head was a little clearer and also finding out why i developed the ED helped. Also finding motivations, future plans, things other then the ED.
Please dont risk your health anymore, you've proberly damaged your body more then you think, and if you continue with the ED after your discharge you will end up worse off. I have to live with the knowledge that i've given myself osteoporosis, lack of periods and a dodgy heart :/ all from the ED.
Think of your future and living life to the full, dont miss out on things, create motivations!
I can be done!
hope this helps xxx

Reply 7

Care-Free

15

not sure what i can say because my ED never escalated to such a serious point, i managed to pull myself out when my mum broke down and ended up on anti depressants because of worrying about me, all i can say is you will feel better once you recover.
i get sickened by girls that want to be thin and actually have to remind myself that i was like that, once you get into the mindset of really wanting to get better, you feel so much happier its really unbelievable how much your life will improve when you get better, and you will, it will take time but if you really do want your life back you will manage to get it, but you have to want to do it for you not everyone else.
since i managed to put on weight i actually feel like a woman, i get a really smug feeling when i hear girls saying they want to be thin and i and proudly stand there and say ' i'll stick to my curves thanks'
it might seem far away but there is such thing and recovery and you'll feel so much better, healthier and more alive.
all i can say really is stick it out, they are just trying to help and i really do hope you get better :smile:

keep your chin up hun
xx

Reply 8

InnocentEyes

10

hey anon

bit tired to write out a full story here, but will give you a short version.
I was inpatient for anorexia last year, and like you held 'voluntarily' under the threat of being sectioned. honestly, I was a mess. you've probably seen it in there or experienced yourself...NG tubes, floods of tears every day, threatening to leave, to harm myself, so on and so forth. like you I didn't want to recover. I also thought I would 'survive'. some pretty scary things had actually happened to me before I went in, general ward admission and potentially dangerous health problems...but in the state of mind I was in they didn't 'count' and weren't enough to make me consider stopping.
ANYWAY. on with the less depressing. I did relapse after I got out (well, I discharged AMA at the minimum bmi so it was fairly inevitable) but about 12 months after discharge I am doing better than I've ever been. now over 30lbs above my lowest weight, eating over 3500 calories a day (I know, really, I need that much to gain), able to eat pretty much anything I want, no guilt, and not even hating my body. I thought this thing would kill me, or at least have me back in and out of hospitals. I can't tell you enough that recovery is possible, even when you believe that it isn't 'for you'.
so basically, seriously if you want to chat about it at all, message me. I'm not easily triggered, any questions are fine :smile:

and hang in there. inpatient keeps you alive so you can have a shot at a real life later on. and believe me, real life is so worth it.

Reply 9

Emma.x

5

Will apologise now this isnt really helpful to the OP exactly lol .
i have had anoreixa on a serious level for about a year and half, and more recently i have found an amazing boy and things are really looking good for us, im also sick of the constant need to follow a rountine and do stuff that the "voice" in my head tells me i must do and the upset i get from eating and the guilt. i have started to have these odd urges of desire to just try and get better like i have thought about what would happen and part of me wants to try it. My boyfriend has said he wouldnt mind me putting a bit of weight on and that has really settled my mind a bit because i was worried he might not like me to. There is still a massive part of me however that is unable to leave it behind and i think i need to start finding a counsellor.
Has anyone else just had a sudden urge to go for it? and get better? because you hear about people having to go into hospital and that to recover which although i have been near to never have? i am just confused
ooops sorry for rambling :/

Reply 10

singingcat

( First of all, I apologize for my grammatical mistakes, I‘m not from the UK )

I don‘t think that I might me able to give a useful advice, I can only assure you that recovery is truly possible. It takes a lot of willpower, but it‘s definitely possible.

I had an eating disorder in 2006-2008. A serious case of anorexia (weighed 90lbs at almost 5‘9 ft) However, I strictly objected to being put under a hospital treatment and only agreed to see a psychiatrist several times a week. I hated it. I felt as if I was being treated like some sort of a criminal, they kept telling me how all of my problems were my own fault and I was not yet ready to accept that. And although I truly wanted to recover, I wanted to be beautiful again and live a normal life, I didn’t want to be ‘saved’ by people who (how I then thought) didn’t respect me.

But when I stopped going to the therapies that I hated, my mindset started to change gradually. It took me several months to fully make up my mind, start eating more than 3000 calories a day and come back to being healthy. But I did it and, believe me, you can do it too! You may not even have to wait as long as I did. Those people at the hospital are not your enemies, but I remember how difficult it is to realise that.

I know, it is enormously difficult for a person who has an ED to simply make a decision to try to get healthy. It’s a gradual process, but you have to believe. Try to believe a little bit more each day. Think about all those amazing things you’ll be able to enjoy when you’re healthy again. We all have terrible periods in life, but when they’re over we can remember them only as something that has made us stronger and taught us to appreciate life more. I know, it sounds banal, but it’s really true.

I wish you the very best. Don't forget that you’re completely capable of recovering and that you WILL recover. The life outside, happy, vibrant and interesting life, is waiting for you.

PM me, if you ever need to talk about something. Lots of strength for you xxx

Reply 11

Anonymous #6

Okay, I hope this isn't too long but I'll add my two cents.

Firstly, as you can see from all these replies, you are not alone in this. Everything you've said I can remember thinking myself many a time, so don't worry that it isn't in any way 'normal' for someone with anorexia nervosa. That said, things can change. The desire to relapse and do it 'better' next time is something which will probably only properly disappear when you give recovery a real go. Until you are able to leave your current mindset - even for short periods of time - you won't see the benefits to recovery and will continue to want to spiral again and again (even though you know in your heart of hearts it achieves nothing.) This is where your consultant's logic comes in; he knows that right now, you're mentally not functioning in a way that allows you to see sense in terms of your ed, so he doesn't want to run the risk of imminent relapse on your exit from hospital. I know it feels horrible, and unfair, and makes you angry - but ultimately all he wants to do is keep you alive.

I've been in an in-patient unit three times in the past five years and believe me, there is so much more to life. You don't state your age, but I'm assuming you are over 18. Admittedly, my IP stints were in adolescent, specialist eating disorder units so if you're in a general adult psych ward things may be completely different, but the principle is still the same. Inpatient treatment is not the solution to all your problems, and it doesn't claim to be, but it is whats neccessary to save your life. It is YOU and noone else who can get you recovered. You can't sit around waiting for recovery to come to you...it never will. You have to make the first move and you have to stick with it, no matter how hard it is (and it will be bloody awful) if you want to live the life you deserve. Sorry if this sounds harsh, that is in no way my intention, but its the truth. An eating disorder will stay with you for life until you decide you don't want it anymore. I know too many people who have left making that decision way too late. Do you want to end up in your 30s, having spent your entire life in and out of hospital, having had no relationships, being infertile, having missed out on a career, a life? I know you don't want, nor deserve, that fate. That is why you have to decide - and decide now - that you want to get better for yourself. I know you didn't ask the doctors to 'save you', but you can decide to save yourself.

I became ill when I was 13 with anorexia and was hospitalised and 'forced' into recovery many a time. All my treatment with numerous outpatient and inpatient services was a facade - I didn't want to get better, I was just doing it 'for my parents' or gaining weight to get them off my back, only to lose it again. I never thought about what I wanted. So, it was only when I left the last IP unit I was in last December on turning 18 that I realised my life was in my hands now. As a nurse said to me, I can either leave and take the path of adult section and hospitalisation, or the path to freedom. I did alot - and I mean a huge amount - of thinking. I wrote things down. I made plans, lists, goals. I envisaged my life in 15 years time with this disease, and without it. I looked around me; I knew too many friends from IP who were wasting their potential, wasting their lives on their eating disorders, making hospital and weight a pathetic competition. And I realised I didn't want that anymore. So, I stopped making excuses as to why I couldn't get better and started looking for ways in which I could. I made the most of my therapy sessions. I threw away my self-imposed rule book on how to eat and started listening to my body (after years of doing the opposite it wasn't easy I can assure you, but believe me it is so liberating when it starts to work!). I went out and started living. I now have a fantastic social life, an offer from an Oxbridge university, a (finally) happy family and a sense of confidence I'd never before experienced. I've managed to maintain my weight at a BMI of 17.5 for 2 months now - the longest I've ever remained stable - on a diet averaging 2600 calories a day. Some days I eat more - yes it IS possible to have 3 courses at a restaurant and eat 3000+ a day and not gain weight - some days I eat a bit less - I've learnt its normal - but on average I'm eating enough to sustain my lifestyle and avoid going backwards again. Apart from never allowing myself to eat less than 2000 calories a day, I have no more rules, no more limits. I feel free, however cheesy that sounds. And yes, I do need to gain more weight and I'm planning on increasing to a BMI of at least 19 (which will involve shoving calories back up to 3400+), but considering at one point I was near death with a BMI of 12, I think its pretty good going. Basically, you can get better. Things will improve. It takes time, effort and support, but its possible. Please don't give up hope or give up on yourself. The fact that you know at some point you want to recover is proof enough that in your heart of hearts you want to be rid of this. Just think about whether its in your best interests to get the hard work out of the way now...or in 20 years time, when it may well be too late.

Good luck, and take care.

xxx

Reply 12

Anonymous #7

Emma.x

Will apologise now this isnt really helpful to the OP exactly lol .
i have had anoreixa on a serious level for about a year and half, and more recently i have found an amazing boy and things are really looking good for us, im also sick of the constant need to follow a rountine and do stuff that the "voice" in my head tells me i must do and the upset i get from eating and the guilt. i have started to have these odd urges of desire to just try and get better like i have thought about what would happen and part of me wants to try it. My boyfriend has said he wouldnt mind me putting a bit of weight on and that has really settled my mind a bit because i was worried he might not like me to. There is still a massive part of me however that is unable to leave it behind and i think i need to start finding a counsellor.
Has anyone else just had a sudden urge to go for it? and get better? because you hear about people having to go into hospital and that to recover which although i have been near to never have? i am just confused
ooops sorry for rambling :/

i'll be honest, mine never got near to GP level but I lost loads of weight, had nosebleeds all the time and yeah other shiz. routines etc went on for about 3 years but every time my parents threatened to take me to the doctors i'd try for a little bit but then go back.

but yeah I did get that urge to go for it, my uncle got sick and died (cancer) and I realised I couldn't do that to my parents - make them have to sit around in the hospital whilst I was dying of something I did to myself - I started to crack routines, making sure I didn't miss a meal so I could introduce a different opposite sort of routine (if I missed a meal it threw me), met a boy who I adore and who loves me entirely (for some strange reason!) and like yours said he'd love me whatever size I was so long as I was happy and healthy.

Although i'll always have my ups and downs (and those days when you're worried you'll go back to how things were) i'm so much better than I was - example: i'm considering going into catered accomodation next year, something i'd never be able to do to give back that control but I know it'll make sure I don't do anything silly at uni and i'll be getting nutrition and can put my parent's mind at rest.

Go for it, its the best thing you'll do. I can't believe how happy I am, i'm almost always worried something is going to happen and it's all going to be taken away. Just remember you're doing it for yourself and the people you love and care about who don't deserve to be put through this with you - I wish I could go back and take away all the arguments and hurt/worry I caused/cause my family.

(sorry about posting this as anonymous)

Reply 13

Emma.x

5

Anonymous

i'll be honest, mine never got near to GP level but I lost loads of weight, had nosebleeds all the time and yeah other shiz. routines etc went on for about 3 years but every time my parents threatened to take me to the doctors i'd try for a little bit but then go back.

but yeah I did get that urge to go for it, my uncle got sick and died (cancer) and I realised I couldn't do that to my parents - make them have to sit around in the hospital whilst I was dying of something I did to myself - I started to crack routines, making sure I didn't miss a meal so I could introduce a different opposite sort of routine (if I missed a meal it threw me), met a boy who I adore and who loves me entirely (for some strange reason!) and like yours said he'd love me whatever size I was so long as I was happy and healthy.

Although i'll always have my ups and downs (and those days when you're worried you'll go back to how things were) i'm so much better than I was - example: i'm considering going into catered accomodation next year, something i'd never be able to do to give back that control but I know it'll make sure I don't do anything silly at uni and i'll be getting nutrition and can put my parent's mind at rest.

Go for it, its the best thing you'll do. I can't believe how happy I am, i'm almost always worried something is going to happen and it's all going to be taken away. Just remember you're doing it for yourself and the people you love and care about who don't deserve to be put through this with you - I wish I could go back and take away all the arguments and hurt/worry I caused/cause my family.

(sorry about posting this as anonymous)

Thankyou for your reply it was really nice to hear that you have managed to recover and it makes me want to do the same in many ways. the difficult thing for me is satrting to gain weight, once i start i know it will be fine but its starting to and seeing myself gain it to start with that i am going to struggle most with

Reply 14

lt001

1

Hello Anon

Sorry I can't be much help to you- I'm not in the best of minds at the moment.

I have not had an Eating Disorder but I have been sectioned in a Mental Hospital before. I was only in for around 4 days and hated every second of it. I can fully empathize with you wanting to leave.

I think you have done well to come this far and to follow the recommendations given to you and by being honest. It is positive to not act like you feel you are over your Eating Disorder, this may mean you don't deteriorate and that when you are discharged, it is permanent.

I'm listening.

Luke.

Reply 15

Alley Cat

Hmm, I'm not sure how to say this but hopefully it helps. I had the same thoughts when I was in treatment. I think on one hand, it's normal to feel that way and we can't blame ourselves because think about it, if you put any adult in a hospital and didn't give them say as to when they could leave, they would get upset. Most of the adults act worse than us, because a lot of the hospitals do some things poorly. On the other hand, PART of what made me want to leave was "Ed." "He" fed me the same lies disguised as new ones (like that my recovery weight would be too high, that I was different, that I couldn't do it, etc.) and it took me a while to distinguish this. People DO recover who originally have just as bad dysmorphia, anxiety, etc.

I didn't understand it at the time, because I'd feel okay (maybe be talking to friends, actually enjoying a group or a movie or a laugh) and then this awful feeling would come over me and I'd panic that I had to get out. It was essentially the disorder, telling me that the more help I got = bad. That's not true! The more help, the better. HELP doesn't take any control away from YOU. It allows you to control the disorder, but the decision will still be up to you. You'll just have more tools to be successful in getting what YOU want & deserve.

There are lots of things about the hospital that felt awful, and I'm sorry you have to go through it (hardest thing ever) but try to differentiate between the things that are awful for you vs. the things that are awful for the disorder. Try to be completely honest because you'd be surprised at what isn't so bad after you admit it. Some things come with time, like reassurance and feeling okay about recovery, but in the meantime, keep at it and try to stay honest, and just break things down to doing positive things for your recovery every time you can, whether it's reaching out, or being honest about these feelings because it's okay and they won't get mad at you. They just want you to be happier and stronger. Tell them that it's starting to feel like forever because I felt the same way. Try to reach out to peers who you know are more themselves than the disorder (it's tricky when sometimes "Ed" likes to seek out and talk to other "Eds"). It WILL get better! Try to get the most out of the hospital...sometimes I wish I could go back to certain groups and times, just because I have a better mindset about it now and could get more out of it. I was pretty honest, but I wish I was even more honest. My disorder didn't want me to be too trusting, and all that did was hurt me in the long-run.

Oh, one more random thing! I remember being afraid because I was actually hungry sometimes in the hospital, and "Ed" liked to worry me that if they were forcing lots of food and I still got hungry, then all these bad things would happen (of course) but those feelings actually mean that your metabolism is working. Don't be ashamed of anything...my therapist always blurts out different things that I'm too ashamed to say, because she knows from other patients. I love that she does that because it helps a lot.

So, sorry for the book but I don't want "Ed" to torture you! "He" can be like a demon. So don't be ashamed, try to be honest, don't be too hard on yourself though, reach out, and separate the disorder from yourself. You can do it! Just keep fighting!!

Reply 16

mazzie111

2

ununpentium

I've never been treated for an eating disorder, but I have been sectioned for depression/personality disorder/self harm/suicde. I was put onto a secure ward and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I wanted to continue self harming, I didnt want to recover, I just wanted out. But after I spent christmas day in there it hit me just how serious it was. And I knew that I never, ever wanted to be anywhere like that again. If I lied and told them I was fine and held off self harming for a few months to get out, I'd be mucking it up for myself in the long run because ultimately I'd just end up there again and again. So it was kind of a lightbulb moment and I knew I had to recover. So I threw all of my negative energy into getting better and it started to work.

There were people in that unit who had been there four years and who were probably never going to get out. I couldnt let myself become like that.

you stole the words out mymouth
this :smile:

you probably cant see it now but you have so much to look forward too.
i spent 2 years on a secure ward for depression/suicide attempt/bulimia and my god i hated it. at first i rebelled but i had the lightbulb moment and realised this was not the life i wanted.
you will get through it. its absolute hell for you at the moment but when your mindset changes life will be so much easier for you.
it might be worth the struggle in there at the moment because then your set for the rest of your life
:frown:

Reply 17

Sunshineflower

Hi, several years later I know.
Just wanted to say I can identify with much of what you say and wanted to pass on my love and hope you are in a more peaceful and settled and comfortable place in your life now x God bless, Sarah

Reply 18

Sarahm29

1

HiHow are you now?Genuine question xx

Surviving inpatient treatment for anorexia

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