It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
Three guys up in heaven. Saint Peter says, "Sorry, we're only letting 33% of our visitors in today, so we'll go with who died the worst death out of you 3 guys.
Saint Peter asks the first man how he died:
"Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I left work early one day. I went home storming the apartment, looking for the guy. I finally found him dangling from the balcony, so I started to smash his fingers with my boots. I finally had to go get a hammer and totally smash his fingers, and he fell. But get this, he lands right on some soft bushes. So I went to the kitchen and pushed the refrigerator all the way off the balcony to land on the guy. After that, I felt so terrible, I went in and commited suicide.
Saint Peter went to the second man and said, "Sir, how did you die?"
Second guy says, "Well, I was trying this new exercise routine out on my balcony, when I slip. But luckily, I grabbed on to the balcony below me. Next thing I know there is this maniac smashing my fingers with his boots and a hammer. I finally fell, but luckily, i fell in some bushes. after that, all I can remember is a refrigerator falling on top of me."
Saint Peter reluctantly goes to the third man and asks, "May I ask how you died?"
Third guy says, "Picture this, you're naked, and hiding in a refrigerator!"
This is the proper and funny version of the joke
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.
"Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,
give me the strength ..... and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength.....and the tools.... and the intelligence .... to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple hundred yards, then walked across the bridge
This is pretty tasteless but funny
A disheveled girl goes into a police station and says she has been raped.
The concerned cop asks her for a description and she says she remembers what he was wearing, long white pants, long sleeved white shirt and a dark blue cap.
The cop say he sounds like an English cricketer, and the girl says, you may be right he wasn't in for long