Jokes Watch

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TK
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#21
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#21
anymore good jokes people?
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ilovecjs
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#22
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#22
I typed "the best joke ever" into google and it came up with 2030000 results! Just click on one of those!
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TK
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#23
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#23
(Original post by ilovecjs)
I typed "the best joke ever" into google and it came up with 2030000 results! Just click on one of those!
lol. ok thanks - if anyone does have any good jokes though please put them on here
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hitchhiker_13
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#24
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#24
For all the physics geeks out there (don't get offended, I mean it affectionately!)


Two atoms bump into each other at a party.
Atom 1: Oh no, I've lost an electron!!
Atom 2: Are you sure?
Atom 1: Yes I'm positive



Heisenberg was driving really, really fast down a road, and he's stopped by two policemen.
One says to him, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?!
And Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
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ilovecjs
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#25
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#25
(Original post by hitchhiker_13)
Two atoms bump into each other at a party.
Atom 1: Oh no, I've lost an electron!!
Atom 2: Are you sure?
Atom 1: Yes I'm positive
Wha? :confused:
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Meh
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#26
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#26
(Original post by ilovecjs)
Wha? :confused:
Oh IIIIIII get it.
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ilovecjs
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#27
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#27
(Original post by Meh)
Oh IIIIIII get it.
that's not a thing to be proud of...
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ilovecjs
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#28
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#28
oh...wait...hang on! I think I get it! YES FINALLY I...oh ...no...no I don't.
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4Ed
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#29
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#29
does anyone have any good Irish/Blonde jokes? I was starting to tell some American some Irish ones, then realised I'd forgotten them all.....
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dylan plant
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#30
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#30
why did the chicken cross the highway?!?!?!!?

to get run over!!!! :eek:
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_EMMA_
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#31
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#31
(Original post by 4Ed)
does anyone have any good Irish/Blonde jokes? I was starting to tell some American some Irish ones, then realised I'd forgotten them all.....
why do blondes put fences around their beds?
they want safe sex
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dylan plant
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#32
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#32
(Original post by _EMMA_)
why do blondes put fences around their beds?
they want safe sex
Good one! very insightful :rolleyes: , I havent heard that one before.
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majik
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#33
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#33
i got told this last week, its kinda sick though

One day Jimmy came home from school and told his mum 'mum i had sex with my english teacher today' his mum was in total shock as jimmy was only in his first year of high school and only 11, she called up her husband straight away and he came home to have a talk with jimmy. jimmy was waiting in his room and his father burst in and gave him a big hug 'well done son, i'm proud of you', jimmy's father was impressed and could'nt wait to tell all his mates at the pub his son's achievement, with a wide smile on his face he told jimmy 'son, i'm so proud of you, we can go out tomorrow and get that bike you've been asking for' jimmy replied 'aww thanks dad, but can i just have a football instead, my arse is killing me!'
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dylan plant
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#34
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#34
(Original post by majik)
i got told this last week, its kinda sick though

One day Jimmy came home from school and told his mum 'mum i had sex with my french teacher today' his mum was in total shock as jimmy was only in his first year of high school and only 11, she called up her husband straight away and he came home to have a talk with jimmy. jimmy was waiting in his room and his father burst in and gave him a big hug 'well done son, i'm proud of you', jimmy's father was impressed and could'nt wait to tell all his mates at the pub his son's achievement, with a wide smile on his face he told jimmy 'son, i'm so proud of you, we can go out tomorrow and get that bike you've been asking for' jimmy replied 'aww thanks dad, but can i just have a football instead, my arse is killing me!'
I don't get it. :confused:
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4Ed
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#35
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#35
(Original post by dylan plant)
I don't get it. :confused:
his teacher's a bloke...... the poor kid wasn't the one doing it..... get it now?
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4Ed
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#36
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#36
(Original post by _EMMA_)
why do blondes put fences around their beds?
they want safe sex
nice one....

here's one which may cause offence:
3 women are stranded on a desert island, and wish to return to civilization. They walk along the beach and see a lamp, which they rub, and out pops a genie. 'Thanks for letting me out' he says, 'i'll give you ONE wish each as my gift of gratitude'.

The first woman says: I wish I was a thousand times cleverer than I was now. She builds a ship and sails back to civilization.

The second woman says: I wish I was a million times cleverer than I was now. She builds a plane and flies back to civilization.

The first woman says: I wish I was a thousand, million, billion, trillion, zillion times cleverer than I was now. She turns into a man.
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Moochy
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#37
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#37
(Original post by 4Ed)
nice one....

here's one which may cause offence:
3 women are stranded on a desert island, and wish to return to civilization. They walk along the beach and see a lamp, which they rub, and out pops a genie. 'Thanks for letting me out' he says, 'i'll give you ONE wish each as my gift of gratitude'.

The first woman says: I wish I was a thousand times cleverer than I was now. She builds a ship and sails back to civilization.

The second woman says: I wish I was a million times cleverer than I was now. She builds a plane and flies back to civilization.

The first woman says: I wish I was a thousand, million, billion, trillion, zillion times cleverer than I was now. She turns into a man.
u can have that one the other way round where the man turns into a woman which is much better.
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TK
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#38
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#38
(Original post by Moochy)
u can have that one the other way round where the man turns into a woman which is much better.
yes - that's the proper way round
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viviki
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#39
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#39
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"





Three guys up in heaven. Saint Peter says, "Sorry, we're only letting 33% of our visitors in today, so we'll go with who died the worst death out of you 3 guys.

Saint Peter asks the first man how he died:

"Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I left work early one day. I went home storming the apartment, looking for the guy. I finally found him dangling from the balcony, so I started to smash his fingers with my boots. I finally had to go get a hammer and totally smash his fingers, and he fell. But get this, he lands right on some soft bushes. So I went to the kitchen and pushed the refrigerator all the way off the balcony to land on the guy. After that, I felt so terrible, I went in and commited suicide.

Saint Peter went to the second man and said, "Sir, how did you die?"

Second guy says, "Well, I was trying this new exercise routine out on my balcony, when I slip. But luckily, I grabbed on to the balcony below me. Next thing I know there is this maniac smashing my fingers with his boots and a hammer. I finally fell, but luckily, i fell in some bushes. after that, all I can remember is a refrigerator falling on top of me."

Saint Peter reluctantly goes to the third man and asks, "May I ask how you died?"

Third guy says, "Picture this, you're naked, and hiding in a refrigerator!"






This is the proper and funny version of the joke

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.
"Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,
give me the strength ..... and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength.....and the tools.... and the intelligence .... to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple hundred yards, then walked across the bridge


This is pretty tasteless but funny

A disheveled girl goes into a police station and says she has been raped.
The concerned cop asks her for a description and she says she remembers what he was wearing, long white pants, long sleeved white shirt and a dark blue cap.
The cop say he sounds like an English cricketer, and the girl says, you may be right he wasn't in for long
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JSM
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#40
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#40
(Original post by 4Ed)
nice one....

here's one which may cause offence:
3 women are stranded on a desert island, and wish to return to civilization. They walk along the beach and see a lamp, which they rub, and out pops a genie. 'Thanks for letting me out' he says, 'i'll give you ONE wish each as my gift of gratitude'.

The first woman says: I wish I was a thousand times cleverer than I was now. She builds a ship and sails back to civilization.

The second woman says: I wish I was a million times cleverer than I was now. She builds a plane and flies back to civilization.

The first woman says: I wish I was a thousand, million, billion, trillion, zillion times cleverer than I was now. She turns into a man.
hehe true
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