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Jokes watch

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    (Original post by lou p lou)
    damn, i was hoping no one had noticed....

    lou xxx
    lol sorry - pefectly understandable mistake though.
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    (Original post by white_solitude)
    yeah! where've u been? penguin jokes are so feeble its hilarious just seeing how desperate the company get
    a brunette, a redhead and a blonde have escaped from prison, and the police are hot on their tails. They reach a barn, and each hide in a sack. The policeman come in and prod the first sack..... the brunette goes 'woof woof!' ........... 'Ah, it's just a dog'.
    They prod the second sack......... the redhead goes 'Meeeeow Meeeeeeeeow' ......... 'Ah, it's just a cat'.
    They prod the third sack, and the blonde goes 'Potatoes Potatoes'......
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    (Original post by lou p lou)
    damn, i was hoping no one had noticed....

    lou xxx
    LoL oh well u clearly don't eat penguins either.
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    (Original post by 4Ed)
    LoL oh well u clearly don't eat penguins either.
    i eat penguins (well i did). i just forgot they had jokes on them.
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    Sorry all you blondes out there. i get loads of blonde jokes sent to me because I'm blonde so I thought I'd share 'em.

    Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
    A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

    And this one is a nasty one but quite funny.

    Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
    A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
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    (Original post by viviki)

    Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
    A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
    i'm still trying to puzzle this one out.........
    um
    ummm
    ummmmmm
    ummmmmmmmmmm
    ummmmmmmmmmmmmm
    ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
    ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
    ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mm
    ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmm
    ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm
    ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmm

    FINALLY got it...... just as I was about to submit that is pretty bad
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    William Shakepseare went into a pub, landlord said "Get out you're bard!"

    Naked man running down a road with a woman on his back.
    "Where you goin?"
    "Fancy dress party"
    "What as?"
    "Tortoise"
    "Who's that?"
    "That's Michelle!"

    Man went into doctor's with a steering wheel down his underpants.
    "What happened?"
    "Dunno but it's drivin me nuts"

    Bloke went to doctor's, said "I keep gettin bad headaches"
    Doctor said "Can I ask you a personal question? Do you masterbate?"
    He said "Sometimes, yeah"
    Doctor said "It's magic in't it!"

    Man went into a butcher's, he said "What happened to your assistant?", he said "I sacked him", he said "Why?". He said "He was stickin his **** in the bacon slicer". He said "What happened to your bacon slicer?", he said "I sacked her an' all"

    What do donkey's get for lunch at Blackpool?
    Half an hour
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    (Original post by Peter Kay)
    Bloke went to doctor's, said "I keep gettin bad headaches"
    Doctor said "Can I ask you a personal question? Do you masterbate?"
    He said "Sometimes, yeah"
    Doctor said "It's magic in't it!"
    don't get this one...
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    I rang a take-away last night. I said "Do you deliver?", they said "No, we do lamb, chicken and fish"

    What's black and white and eats like horse?
    Zebra

    How does Bob Marley like his donughts?
    Wi' jammin'

    Knock, knock
    Who's there?
    Big ish
    Big ish who?
    Not today thanks

    I was on cover of Big Issue, so I had to buy one.
    He said "I loved you in Phoenix Nights"
    I said "Where you seen it?"
    I thought I'll have my pound back you devious b******.
    I said "Knock, knock"
    He said "Who's there?"
    I said "I thought you were f****** homeless??"

    How do you kill a circus?
    Go for the juguler
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    George Bush is on the set of Star Trek (for some unknown reason) and is being asked questions by a news reporter about Star Trek (for some unknown reason).

    The news reporter asks: We see that there are black people on Star Trek, what do you think of that Mr. Bush

    George Bush replies: Well I think thats great.

    News Reporter: We also see that there are Chinese people as well.

    George Bush: Yes I know they are valuable members of our society and i believe all ethnic groups are well represented on this fine television program Star Trek.

    News Reporter: Just one final question. Surley Arbas should be represented on Star Trek as well then. Why are there no arabs on Star Trek?

    George Bush: Well that would be because Star Trek is set in the futute.
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    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To bring Expredders up to 100 posts.
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    (Original post by Expredders)
    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To bring Expredders up to 100 posts.
    hehe.... i don't get it
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    (Original post by Tinykates)
    anyone got any good ones?
    A man and his wife were in the court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumping up and down said: 'Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain an labor; She should be in my custody. The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defense? The man sat for a while contemplating .. then slowly rose.
    Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out.. whose Pepsi is it .. the machine's or mine?
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    (Original post by sarahwhatevver)
    A man and his wife were in the court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumping up and down said: 'Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain an labor; She should be in my custody. The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defense? The man sat for a while contemplating .. then slowly rose.
    Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out.. whose Pepsi is it .. the machine's or mine?
    that's GENIOUS
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    AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE...
    > >
    > > On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module,
    > > Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
    > > His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small
    > > step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to
    > > Earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the
    > > lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
    > >
    > > Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
    > > some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
    > > no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
    > > Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
    > > "Good luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always
    > > just smiled.
    > >
    > > On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering
    > > questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26
    > > year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally
    > > responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he
    > > could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a
    > > small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in
    > > the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his
    > > neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr.
    > > and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
    > > Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Sex! You
    > > want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the
    > > moon!"
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    (Original post by Tinykates)
    anymore good jokes people?
    Capitalism for Dummies

    Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

    American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

    Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

    German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

    British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

    Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

    Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

    Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

    Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

    Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
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    A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000.

    "How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.
    "So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
    "But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.
    "If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

    "In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.
    "What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"
    "If you didn't use - that's your problem!"
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    (Original post by 4Ed)
    that's GENIOUS
    I must admit I was having fits when I heard that one! (:
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    (Original post by sarahwhatevver)
    I must admit I was having fits when I heard that one! (:
    altho i messed up the punch line when I was telling it to my family over dinner
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    Why don't blondes eat bananas?
    They can't find the zipper.

    A man and woman are driving...

    A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
    As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

    The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

    They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

    If only men would listen.





    5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines

    1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
    2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
    3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
    4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
    5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
 
 
 
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