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ending a bad friendship?
Loads of good advice floating around here so I'd like to ask for some. I'm not too good at putting things into words so this will probably turn into a huge mess, but here goes...
I've had this friend John for about 6 years. We were both pretty screwed up when we met, and John helped me through some tough times. We were there for each other when we hit rock bottom. That probably sounds overly dramatic but trust me it isn't. We used to go out (as friends) a lot. We would talk about everything. We argued a lot but always made up. Since leaving school though, we've both changed a lot.
A few years ago we fell out big time. He left school and his rich parents bought him a house and paid all his bills, so he always had money. If he spent all of his (huge) allowance, he just had to ring his parents and they'd put a few thousand in his bank account. I was working part time, studying full time and trying to look after my sister. I didn't have the time, money or energy to drive 30 miles to see him three or four times a week. John thought that when I didn't go out it was because I didn't want to spend time with him. He just wouldn't accept that I wasn't as free as he was. He'd turn up on my doorstep and expect me to stop whatever 'silly things' (ie studying or housework) I was doing.
Anyway, the more he bugged me to go out, the more I resented him for wanting me to give up family commitments, abandon coursework or skip classes. Eventually I was saying no even if I could have gone. We stopped talking for a long time.
When I finished college I started to feel guilty about John. He was so good to me when I was ill and I felt as though I'd just cast him aside once I was better and didn't need him anymore. So I called him and we arranged to go out. As soon as we met up we went back to the way it was before. We stayed out all night, sitting on a park bench chatting about nothing in particular. The next day, he rang me up in the morning and wanted to go out again. We went out nearly every day that week. The whole Summer he was constantly ringing. Then I started at uni, and he would talk on MSN or email every day. He would ring me up on a Friday morning and say he was coming over that night and staying for the weekend. He just invited himself over whenever he felt like it, and demanded I drop everything to spend time with him. Every time I came home he would ring me to meet him at the pub.
It's not just that he wants to go out all the time, there are other things too. One time we were chatting and I told him that there was this man I liked, who worked in a cafe. We went there for lunch, and he told him when I was in the toilet that I was gay. If we're walking down the street and there's a nice guy coming the other way he'll put his arm around me and act like we're a couple. If he sees someone he likes he'll push me away and say something loudly to make it obvious that he's available. He talks to people he works with about me (VERY personal things) and doesn't think it's anything to be bothered about. He also rubs it in all the time that I'm single. He never had a relationship until about 2 years ago, and since then he's transformed into this sex-obsessed monster and has a different partner practically every week and he thinks I should be the same. He doesn't get on with my family (he's been rude to all of them at one time or another) and is always making nasty comments about them. When he comes over he smokes in my room (using anything handy as an ash tray) even if I ask him not to. I don't smoke but the rest of my family do, so the only room in the house that I can breathe without inhaling someone's smoke is my bedroom. He hates my taste in music and clothes. He's always trying to change me and making fun of things I like. He thinks I'm wasting my time studying and is always telling me I should just get myself pregnant and go on the dole (though I don't see how, since every time a guy comes near me he gets rid of him). I don't know when it started but now everything about him bugs me and I hate spending time with him. I feel terrible about it though. What should I do? There're only so many excuses I can make. I can't just come out and say 'I can't stand being around you' because (a) I'm a wimp and (b) he's attempted suicide over less in the past. He's was an amazing friend, but we're both so different now. I don't like the person he's turned into and he doesn't approve of anything I do. We annoy each other so much I can hardly bring myself to look at him. The only reason we still talk is because I feel like I owe him something.
I put all this really badly but I'm desperate. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What do you think I should do?
I've had this friend John for about 6 years. We were both pretty screwed up when we met, and John helped me through some tough times. We were there for each other when we hit rock bottom. That probably sounds overly dramatic but trust me it isn't. We used to go out (as friends) a lot. We would talk about everything. We argued a lot but always made up. Since leaving school though, we've both changed a lot.
A few years ago we fell out big time. He left school and his rich parents bought him a house and paid all his bills, so he always had money. If he spent all of his (huge) allowance, he just had to ring his parents and they'd put a few thousand in his bank account. I was working part time, studying full time and trying to look after my sister. I didn't have the time, money or energy to drive 30 miles to see him three or four times a week. John thought that when I didn't go out it was because I didn't want to spend time with him. He just wouldn't accept that I wasn't as free as he was. He'd turn up on my doorstep and expect me to stop whatever 'silly things' (ie studying or housework) I was doing.
Anyway, the more he bugged me to go out, the more I resented him for wanting me to give up family commitments, abandon coursework or skip classes. Eventually I was saying no even if I could have gone. We stopped talking for a long time.
When I finished college I started to feel guilty about John. He was so good to me when I was ill and I felt as though I'd just cast him aside once I was better and didn't need him anymore. So I called him and we arranged to go out. As soon as we met up we went back to the way it was before. We stayed out all night, sitting on a park bench chatting about nothing in particular. The next day, he rang me up in the morning and wanted to go out again. We went out nearly every day that week. The whole Summer he was constantly ringing. Then I started at uni, and he would talk on MSN or email every day. He would ring me up on a Friday morning and say he was coming over that night and staying for the weekend. He just invited himself over whenever he felt like it, and demanded I drop everything to spend time with him. Every time I came home he would ring me to meet him at the pub.
It's not just that he wants to go out all the time, there are other things too. One time we were chatting and I told him that there was this man I liked, who worked in a cafe. We went there for lunch, and he told him when I was in the toilet that I was gay. If we're walking down the street and there's a nice guy coming the other way he'll put his arm around me and act like we're a couple. If he sees someone he likes he'll push me away and say something loudly to make it obvious that he's available. He talks to people he works with about me (VERY personal things) and doesn't think it's anything to be bothered about. He also rubs it in all the time that I'm single. He never had a relationship until about 2 years ago, and since then he's transformed into this sex-obsessed monster and has a different partner practically every week and he thinks I should be the same. He doesn't get on with my family (he's been rude to all of them at one time or another) and is always making nasty comments about them. When he comes over he smokes in my room (using anything handy as an ash tray) even if I ask him not to. I don't smoke but the rest of my family do, so the only room in the house that I can breathe without inhaling someone's smoke is my bedroom. He hates my taste in music and clothes. He's always trying to change me and making fun of things I like. He thinks I'm wasting my time studying and is always telling me I should just get myself pregnant and go on the dole (though I don't see how, since every time a guy comes near me he gets rid of him). I don't know when it started but now everything about him bugs me and I hate spending time with him. I feel terrible about it though. What should I do? There're only so many excuses I can make. I can't just come out and say 'I can't stand being around you' because (a) I'm a wimp and (b) he's attempted suicide over less in the past. He's was an amazing friend, but we're both so different now. I don't like the person he's turned into and he doesn't approve of anything I do. We annoy each other so much I can hardly bring myself to look at him. The only reason we still talk is because I feel like I owe him something.
I put all this really badly but I'm desperate. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What do you think I should do?
Personally, i think it would do your friendship good if you tell him what you think of him, and be really abrupt and straight to the point. Friends are not meant to act like that by any means.
However, if he has been there for you many of times then he could take great offence to your on slaught and say your ungrateful, but he shouldn't be doing this stuff to you, so just go all out.
I dont think ignoring him or trying to block him out of your life will help things out by any means, you just need to work on improving the friendship and making it stronger then ever.
However, if he has been there for you many of times then he could take great offence to your on slaught and say your ungrateful, but he shouldn't be doing this stuff to you, so just go all out.
I dont think ignoring him or trying to block him out of your life will help things out by any means, you just need to work on improving the friendship and making it stronger then ever.
So far, it sounds like this guy hasn't so much recovered from his problems but rather he has found other ways in whih to manifest them, i.e. by being controlling, needy and over-bearing. It also sounds like he's rather detached from the real world.
To be honest, if he was a very good friend to you, you wouldn't have to be asking us strangers for advice.He would already know that you have to work hard to get a better deal out of life and that getting knocked up and living on the dole is not going to solve your problems... in fact, that situation would hinder your potential in life.
I know that you feel like you owe him and, perhaps, you do but you are not doing him any favours by being the external victim of his deluded mind.
If he is a stubborn guy and you do not feel that he will change then you get out of this relationship because stubbornness will be the death of him (not literally, you understand). You realise that this man can only be helped if he knows that he needs the help, otherwise you fighting a losing battle.
If he is open to the idea that he is being unreasonable is alot of ways, then maybe you could take it upon yourself to help him as long as you do not give up all of your time.
I hope I've made some sense to you. I wrote alot, I know (it's late and I'm in a rambling mood...)
Good luck
To be honest, if he was a very good friend to you, you wouldn't have to be asking us strangers for advice.He would already know that you have to work hard to get a better deal out of life and that getting knocked up and living on the dole is not going to solve your problems... in fact, that situation would hinder your potential in life.
I know that you feel like you owe him and, perhaps, you do but you are not doing him any favours by being the external victim of his deluded mind.
If he is a stubborn guy and you do not feel that he will change then you get out of this relationship because stubbornness will be the death of him (not literally, you understand). You realise that this man can only be helped if he knows that he needs the help, otherwise you fighting a losing battle.
If he is open to the idea that he is being unreasonable is alot of ways, then maybe you could take it upon yourself to help him as long as you do not give up all of your time.
I hope I've made some sense to you. I wrote alot, I know (it's late and I'm in a rambling mood...)
Good luck
Thanks. I will try to talk to him. I don't know what to say! Would it be bad to do it by email?
Kura1984
It says that you're afraid of the confrontation.
I am.
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