Letting go of someone you love

I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now. We went to secondary school together and have known each other since we were 14, but only got together recently. He decided before we got together that he wanted to go back to uni, and is starting at Sheffield in 3 weeks! I'm at university in Southampton and its just such a long way that we've decided its better we split and just be friends. Even though i love him and i'd love to be with him, i think its for the best. Before i was with him i was in a relationship for three years and thought i could be with my first boyfriend for the rest of my life. I realised how idealistic that was once i got to uni. There were other factors involved in our breakup, but that was one of them. My new boyfriend hasn't had a serious relationship before, and in my heart i know that somewhere down the line he needs to experience being with other people. Especially as he's going to uni, i want him to be able to enjoy himself without feeling tied down, like i did last year. Maybe we'll get back together in a few years when we've been with other people and realised that we can't do without each other, maybe we'll meet other people and this will be the end of it. But i know i'm doing the right thing by letting him go.

I just didn't realise it would hurt so much!

Has anyone been through anything similar?

Reply 1

dave

I have no idea why - but I was extremely moved by your post - your actions demonstrated a total LACK of selfishness and a great deal of maturity.

Reply 2

leedsblade

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 months but it couldn't have been a worse time to get "involved" with someone. Hadn't had a serious boyfriend for over a year and then I do so, very soon before I move to Uni
Unfortunately I'm having a rough time at home at the moment as well so its not been ideal...can't wait to go to Uni although it don't solve the problems.
I know some relationships last and work very well when the 2 people are apart. I'm only going 40 miles south to Sheffield but I doubt I could cope with only seeing him at weekends. Even then its a push because I'll be in Sheffield for every United home match for the footy.
We have talked about giving it a go but I really don't know to be honest. :frown:

Gem

Reply 3

Sarky

OP

18

Thank you very much :smile:

I think my own experiences of being in a long distance long term relationship have taught me that they are hard enough at the best of times. I know he cares about me very much, but i know that i needed to experience being with other people rather than settling down with the first person i met. Me and my ex nearly got engaged, and with hindsight i realise i just wasn't ready for any of that. I think if i asked him he'd stay with me, but it wouldn't be fair on him. Part of me hopes that we'll go our seperate ways and come back together in the future, but if not i've gained a best friend.

It all sounds very selfless but inside i'm screaming "Keep him! Don't let him go!" :frown:

Reply 4

leedsblade

I think its great when people are happy with long distance relationships but sadly from past experience, I wouldn't be hopeful. Sad but true.

Gem

Reply 5

BlokeFromStoke

I know from experience how much these things hurt but I think it will get easier once you're back at uni. You may both decide in a few weeks that you can't be without each other. I guess if things are meant to be they will find a way. Good luck and try to think of the positives as much as possible (easier said than done I know).

Reply 6

dave

Sarky

It all sounds very selfless but inside i'm screaming "Keep him! Don't let him go!" :frown:

I know - that's natural - I'd be doing just the same - but I perceive that you're a strong enough character to maintain your moral standards - no matter how much it hurts. That nowadays, imo, is somewhat of a rarity. Don't change who you are. :smile:

Reply 7

ciara

13

Aww

. I guess I'm in a similar situation, have no idea how I'll cope but I know it'll work out for the best, it's really sad. Just remember that if you're meant to be together you can be after uni, it doesn't have to be goodbye forever. That's about all that keeps me going!

Cxx

Reply 8

af1

ye im sorta gettin the same vibes, pretty annoyin init. i just not want to think about it at all but my mind always wanders onto it.

Reply 9

Billistic

1

I know exactly how you feel.

I had like an 8 month "unofficial" relationship with a girl, we weren't going out as she had a boyfriend of 2 years but we were SO close to the point where we would tell each other that we love them.

She was my first love and deep down I knew nothing could ever be and even when she spoke about breaking up with her boyfriend, I told her not to. It would be selfish on my part and why would I want to ruin that for them, they've been through a lot, he has done nothing but love her (I admit he was a lil violent) and anyways I was going uni.

Our last days were so special and I'll never forget that last kiss we had school and then at the pub, even when she did break up with him for like a day, we had the best time EVER. The prom came and by this time I hadn't seen her for 2months and she just dismissed me and said "You don't even know me"...that hurt! That hurt so bad because I did know her, I knew everything about her, she told me things that she hadn't even told her boyfriend. I spent half the night on my own crying. Thats wack.

It hurts so much but it does get better in the long run. Believe me. Keep your head up hun.

Reply 10

CMJM

I am going to have the same problem with my girlfriend next year. We have been together for over 18 months and I am completely in love with her. The problem is that she is a year older than me so will probably be going to University before me (as long as she gets the grades). This of course means that we'll be apart. What the hell am I supposed to do?

I want to stay with her when she goes to University but I just wonder if she wants to have more freedom when she goes away.

I know it's a long time away until she has to go, but at least I will be able to plan now and maybe sort something out.

Sorry for hijacking the post!

Regards,
Chris

Reply 11

spireiteryan05

Can't see why its not possible, just make sure the times you are together are special and show ur bf/gf that it's so much better with u than anyone else.

If you both want it enough it'll workout, first couple of months will prob be hardest, but after that u'll realise it's worth wait.

Reply 12

ciara

13

spireiteryan05

Can't see why its not possible, just make sure the times you are together are special and show ur bf/gf that it's so much better with u than anyone else.

If you both want it enough it'll workout, first couple of months will prob be hardest, but after that u'll realise it's worth wait.

Yeah, it's definitely possible, but at what cost? I could stay with my boyfriend (I sort of am, but not properly..anyway that's another story), but I know how much less miserable it would make us if we agreed now that we had to let go a bit, maybe even a lot. Ok, so we'll still be down about it, but it'll get easier as we adjust, and he knows I'll still love him whatever.

I just don't think we should be tied down - and I'm not saying it in a "it's uni so I must follow the stereotype and sleep with lots of people" sense at all. I don't think I'll ever want to sleep around, probably won't have any desire to do anything at all cos I'll miss my boyfriend too much, at least at first. It just makes sense that as our commitments academically and socially become more intense, and the distance between us becomes a lot greater, something's got to give.

I think couples need to live independent lives before they decide to be together. That's what I plan to do. Of course we could make it work, I know we could, and he's worth it too, but...sometimes if you really love someone you have to let them go..

That probably doesn't help anyone but it felt good to explain.. :redface:

Cxx

Reply 13

_poptart_

2

love sucks :redface:

You just have to keep faith that down the line things will straighten out a bit - if you are both signle a couple of years down the line and your back from uni then of course you could end up being together again!
But also you could both meet new people and fall in love with them. So either way you need to remember things can work out, whether it means being with him or being with someone else.
Just make sure you stay friends so you can meet up after uni, but try not to let it make you feel down at uni.
If things get too unbearable you may find its best to get back together - even thought i think personally LDRs are incredibly hard and painful.
Whatever happens at least you can say you will always be good friends :smile:

Reply 14

_poptart_

2

CMJM

I want to stay with her when she goes to University but I just wonder if she wants to have more freedom when she goes away.

I know it's a long time away until she has to go, but at least I will be able to plan now and maybe sort something out.

Sorry for hijacking the post!

Regards,
Chris

Dont let it ruin your relationship with her now - i know its easy to get swallowed up in thinking about the inevitable, but TRY and make the most of the time you have together now.
You wont be able to prepare for how she will be when she gets to uni; some people want to make it work wit their partner, others get carried away with the experience and think its better for them if they split.
All you can do is try your best to show how much you love her, and make sure that if you do have things on your mind, you tell her.
theres nothing worse than having her at uni and you feeling like you wont be able to tell her your worries.
And anyways, who knows when she goes to uni it could be you that meets someone else.
Whatever happens you just have to take each day as it comes!

Reply 15

BlokeFromStoke

ciara

I think couples need to live independent lives before they decide to be together. That's what I plan to do. Of course we could make it work, I know we could, and he's worth it too, but...sometimes if you really love someone you have to let them go..

You've hit the nail on the head. The reason I ended my relationship was because I lost my life to get my ex through tough times(long story and I didn't abandon her in the bad times). I ended up depressed and didn't have anything to give to her/the relationship anymore so I had to end it for my own good. If both of you accept that you have lives at uni and can handle the fact you wont have an input into a large part of each others' lives then you can get through it.

Reply 16

xXMessedUpXx

15

my ex Mat. we were togther 18 months, i'd been with one bf before him. but i did love him and this was when i was in 6th form, but he was in the RAF so uni wasn't an issue. He had to go to the US for 3 years and we decidedwe had to split up. the last day i saw him was very emotional. we said goodbye and i've never seen him since :frown:

i lost my best friend and my boyfriend.
if i had ended up at my insurance chocie i would have split up with my now bf (im his second, and longest relationship) so i can see it from that point of view, luckily i'm now going to the same uni (which will be a blessing or a curse).

Its very difficult to let go of someone you love, but sometimes its for the best. After Mat i never thought i'd find anyone i could feel teh smae way about. But then i met Adam, and what i feel for him is even stronger tan what i felt for my ex. You never know. In your heart you know what you need to do for the best.

"Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened" :smile:

take care of yoursself

Reply 17

xXMessedUpXx

15

poptart86

love sucks :redface:

You just have to keep faith that down the line things will straighten out a bit - if you are both signle a couple of years down the line and your back from uni then of course you could end up being together again!
But also you could both meet new people and fall in love with them. So either way you need to remember things can work out, whether it means being with him or being with someone else.
Just make sure you stay friends so you can meet up after uni, but try not to let it make you feel down at uni.
If things get too unbearable you may find its best to get back together - even thought i think personally LDRs are incredibly hard and painful.
Whatever happens at least you can say you will always be good friends :smile:

you've got in one there. that is exactly what i felt and thought about after my ex. i just wish me and my ex had remained friends, but whatever happens i know i'll still have a friend in my current bf.

Reply 18

_poptart_

2

xXMessedUpXx

you've got in one there. that is exactly what i felt and thought about after my ex. i just wish me and my ex had remained friends, but whatever happens i know i'll still have a friend in my current bf.

aww thats good. i think its such a shame that me and my ex havent kept in touch - its weird cos you have so many memories of things, but no1 to talk about them with!
it doesnt matter to me so much now, cos we've both moved on and stuff, but next time I have a boyfriend Im gonna make sure that whatever happens me and him will stay in touch no matter what - otherwise things can get awkward and stuff whenever you see your ex :smile:

Reply 19

kriztinae

14

Sarky

I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now. We went to secondary school together and have known each other since we were 14, but only got together recently. He decided before we got together that he wanted to go back to uni, and is starting at Sheffield in 3 weeks! I'm at university in Southampton and its just such a long way that we've decided its better we split and just be friends. Even though i love him and i'd love to be with him, i think its for the best. Before i was with him i was in a relationship for three years and thought i could be with my first boyfriend for the rest of my life. I realised how idealistic that was once i got to uni. There were other factors involved in our breakup, but that was one of them. My new boyfriend hasn't had a serious relationship before, and in my heart i know that somewhere down the line he needs to experience being with other people. Especially as he's going to uni, i want him to be able to enjoy himself without feeling tied down, like i did last year. Maybe we'll get back together in a few years when we've been with other people and realised that we can't do without each other, maybe we'll meet other people and this will be the end of it. But i know i'm doing the right thing by letting him go.

I just didn't realise it would hurt so much!

Has anyone been through anything similar?

ive been through something very similar, we had to split up cos i was going to england and he was moving to another country as wel and we didnt know when we'd see each other again, i was with him for about a year and a half.

its horrible but it takes times. keep yourself occupied for the first week as thats the hardest time, and try find yourself a new guy as that helps alot as well. they will never be the same but it takes your mind off him...

Letting go of someone you love

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