Girl losing interest? How do you deal with this? Watch

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-Blade-
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A few months ago, I made mates with a girl. I realised that we had everything in common. While still in uni we got on very well - we gelled. Everything was perfect. I began to wonder if she started to like me and was giving signs - she did give this impression and vibe to me. While I won't bore you with all the signs, lets just say that every sign was there except for her actually telling me any of her feelings or being overly physical with me. This is something I didn't do with her because of being scared, etc. Everyone I asked who had experience with relationships said she likes me and was interested. People I asked who have experience with relationships all said she likes me, which was a major positive especially if they say that just from what I say.

What is interesting is that the signs I was recieving and reading where also the signs I have used in the past to girls I have liked, to express my interest. Furthermore, the signs she gave me where the natural signs I would give to any girl (like those in the past) and thus to her. So it seemed we were giving each other signs but neither of us bit the bullet and asked the other out. Even some of my mates (who do not personally know her) said that my girl acted in the same way when she liked me, when she was expressing her interest - gave the same signs. So pretty significant and obvious.

However, given how this is the first time I am in this situation I was confused. The timing was also completely wrong. As I met her close to our revision period for exams beginning, I thought it would be best not to ask her out because it would distract us when we are busy enough as it is. If I knew her since the start of the year, I'd have done the whole "become close mates" and asked her out already.

Because I met her a few months before uni ended, this meant that during the summer holidays I would not see her often. I can't have her number becase of her parents being strict, so no ability to talk to her when I want to. She invited me to come to various places withher during the holiday such as a party her mate was having, theme park with her mates. Even though she has a good male mate whom she has known for years and is both of our mates - on our course - he was not invited. Just I was invited. This alone is pretty obvious but all of these events got cancelled. In about the 5 months I've known her I have been invited to about 10 places, only 2 events happened so the party/theme park thing has been cancelled.

I have 1 month of holidays left until we start uni at which time we will always see each other as we are on the same course.

I hope then I can get the friendship back to how it was - her inviting me out, constant conversations in person and over MSN

(her approaching me often), etc.

My concerns are:

1) If she liked me before we "broke up", would she still like me now in the holidays and when we start? If a lot of the interest has been lost because of lack of communication, can I get the interest she had for me back?

2) What do you think she feels now? It seems she liked me and now we are distant. :confused: There is a thread in this section about boys playing hot and cold messages, I have a feeling she might be doing this for possibly one of the many reasons listed in that thread.

3) Someone I know said "If she liked you before, she always will. If she doesn't like you in uni this year, she was never a serious girl or never did like you in the first place - if she liked you before, then she should still always like you now". Do you agree with this comment? This is true for me as I still like her and am determined despite the time apart.

4) Me and this girl talk everynow and then. Things have definately died down from how things where in uni where even over MSN we talked a lot more hence my concern about interest being lost. I am told I am having a long distance relationship with her. Would you people agree? How can I even have a long distance relationship with her when I haven't even told her anything about how I feel?

5) Someone (who is knowledgeable with this stuff) also told me that even if a girl likes you and gives you signs, then it doesn't matter if you give hundreds of signs back, if you do not ask her out then she will think you are not interested. This seems likely as it seems when I look back to our friendship, I may have unconsciously given this vibe despite giving whatever signs and regardless of what my body language was. She may have thought I was playing around (am not a player) or being friendly (something I have a slight, but becoming ruled out, concern she is/was doing).

What to do? I really want a fair chance with her and I want to be with her.
Ta
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adamu
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Its true unless you being like particularly romantic/teasy you should just get straight to the point and tell her how you feel.

I know theres nothing i hate more than not knowing where i stand with someone so i would just tell her exactly how you feel.

Good luck
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-Blade-
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(Original post by adamu)
Its true unless you being like particularly romantic/teasy you should just get straight to the point and tell her how you feel.

I know theres nothing i hate more than not knowing where i stand with someone so i would just tell her exactly how you feel.

Good luck
Yeah that is exactly what I plan to do. I've made a pact to myself lol, that in uni I will spend a few weeks to a few months getting things back to how they were. Her approaching me as much as I approach her, me being invited out to some special events with her mates (like her mates birthdays or whatever). Once I am happy that we have "re-found" each other, I will tell her how I feel. No games, no mind games, no hidden intent, no chasing just straight up honesty. And no set-ups because I have the confidence (something she thinks and has praised me of having loads of which I wasn't really aware of myself). She will admire me for this approach I know.

But in the mean while, what do you think of what I said above? Any questions to my concerns?

P.S. Sorry for the long thread
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killerbee
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with reference to point 4
they say absense make the heart grow stronger but sometimes you forget how much you liked a person, either physically or the other one, after a time apart
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__Dreams__
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(Original post by -Blade-)
Yeah that is exactly what I plan to do. I've made a pact to myself lol, that in uni I will spend a few weeks to a few months getting things back to how they were.
not weeks/months
do it soon otherwise she might move onto new guys
also start with something like "y'know ive been thinking about you alot over the holidays"
Her approaching me as much as I approach her, me being invited out to some special events with her mates (like her mates birthdays or whatever).
dont let her do the asking do it yourself you cant expect her to do everything relationships need two to tango
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-Blade-
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(Original post by killerbee)
with reference to point 4
they say absense make the heart grow stronger but sometimes you forget how much you liked a person, either physically or the other one, after a time apart
Other one? What other one? You mean physically or emotionally? Aren't these one and the same? Damn I am confused. :confused:
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L i b
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I think she thought she liked you, then realised you were more friend material. Happened to a guy I know, buggered him right over but it was, in the end, his own fault for not getting in while she still thought of him romanticly. Anyway, that's what it sounds like to me.

Plus you must consider she clearly has a rather ****ed up family life... I mean, not being able to phone her at home? Jesus.
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-Blade-
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(Original post by __Dreams__)
not weeks/months
do it soon otherwise she might move onto new guys
also start with something like "y'know ive been thinking about you alot over the holidays"


dont let her do the asking do it yourself you cant expect her to do everything relationships need two to tango
With regards to the first point, I need to first reacquaint myself with her and get the friendship back to how it was. I am going to see her again but because we haven't exactly been all over each other, it will be like we are distant which is what I feel right now. It is like I don't know her. We got close and then distant. I don't know how long this will take but because we gelled quickly when we first met we should now as well.

The problem is with her I have not got a lot of oppurtunities to meet her. When she goes out with her mates, her parents will ban her from going out for the next few weeks and this makes it hard for me to time any event (like going cinema with mates, etc) as I have to also consider my mates schedules. I know her parents are stupid strict and she didn't even give me her number. This number ban is very stupid I know. She can't give it out or her parents will get suspicious) is unfortunately true as I asked a mate of ours, but it's stupid. I will stop here or I will rant on :mad:

Obviously, going out with her alone is difficult for a number of reasons.

To make things worse, not only do we not have each other's numbers, but her PC was down when she went out she told me everything about her outing when her PC was fixed again. Made me feel bad as at the same time she was out with mates, so was I, but I was bored.

As for the second point, obviously I will have to do everything! lol I can't imagine her taking the initiative.
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-Blade-
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(Original post by LibertineNorth)
I think she thought she liked you, then realised you were more friend material. Happened to a guy I know, buggered him right over but it was, in the end, his own fault for not getting in while she still thought of him romanticly. Anyway, that's what it sounds like to me.

Plus you must consider she clearly has a rather ****ed up family life... I mean, not being able to phone her at home? Jesus.
Sounds very likely, especially with the point I made in the opening post - "if you don't make a move she will think you aren't interested", etc. That dude has always been right in the past. However, I am a serious person and also determined and if she ever liked me I want to give things a try with her. I won't settle for nothing. Makes me seem clingy. This goes back to the "getting interest back" concern. You think I can get it back? This boy you said you know should have fought for her.

As for the number issue, it is just that I cannot ring her mobile as her parents won't let her give it. Nothing to do with her home phone although I am sure she is forbidden from giving that out too.

I thought it was for the best I didn't make a move back then due to exams etc but it seems I have screwed it all up. This and no experience has screwed me up.

And if it is of any use to know, she is a fun, loud, and very laidback type of girl. Makes me think that if she likes me she will play it cool with no worries unlike me, lol.
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OneEightSeven
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Seriously, i'd just tell her when you get back... "building things back up" is just tiptoeing around the situation, which you said you wanted to avoid in your original thread. Let her know how you feel, because you could be wasting weeks or months on a girl who doesn't, nor will have the feelings for you. If she has put you into the "friends" category, it will be very very very hard to get out. (in fact probably not worth it)
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L i b
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(Original post by -Blade-)
Sounds very likely, especially with the point I made in the opening post - "if you don't make a move she will think you aren't interested", etc. That dude has always been right in the past. However, I am a serious person and also determined and if she ever liked me I want to give things a try with her. I won't settle for nothing. Makes me seem clingy. This goes back to the "getting interest back" concern. You think I can get it back? This boy you said you know should have fought for her.
Eventually he did, tooth and nail etc as well. Didn't help him and she ended up falling for his ambigiously gay mate - so both of them ended up less than happy.

I'd give it a go, don't get me wrong, but don't be too hopeful that just because there once was a spark means that there still will be. Dive straight in at the proverbial deep end, cause I'd be delighted to be wrong in my impression of the situation. Lesson for the future though: carpe diem and all that jazz.

As for the number issue, it is just that I cannot ring her mobile as her parents won't let her give it. Nothing to do with her home phone although I am sure she is forbidden from giving that out too.
Crikey, that's even odder than not getting to phone her on the home phone. If I were her, I'd probably have burned the house down in protest by now.
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-Blade-
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Good replies keep 'em coming!

I agree with what is being said. However I want to spend a brief amount of time seeing if she acts in the same way as that alone is pretty obvious if everything is wasted or not. But I will ask her out it's the only way to stop all these questions This idea that once I am seen as a mate I can't get out of it has me confused.

Why does the boy have to do ALL the work and the girl doesn't even make it any easier? In fact I am doing everything with the girl setting the rules in this situation. :mad:

The number issue has me very annoyed. What the hell is so suspicious about her giving numbers to boys? I give my numbers to quite a few girls on my uni course, in fact more significantly I am close to some of those girls but nothing is going on. Giving out a number isn't like hinting to someone you like them. Jeez she is 19. If she has been hurt in the past by boys then this is the only legit reason I can see for not being allowed to give her number out to boys. I wonder if she has her dad's number, or maybe her mum will think there is something going on :rolleyes:. To make things worse she can talk to who she wants on MSN, even strangers, her parents don't care about so their little rule is flawed. But if I can't have her MSN then I am f**ked. This leaves me only with MSN and MSN is hardly equivalent to talk to her when I actually like her. Case in point of this is I did not get asked to this place she went out with her mates 2 weeks ago because her PC was down. If we had each other's numbers it would not have been a problem. I've got a lot of anger for her parents.

I thought to myself "If her parents are strict then it means she is likely not used by boys, and has less chance of being taken in the future, and leaves me an open path", but really it makes it damn near impossible for me too. :mad:
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-Blade-
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Bumping this thread! :p:
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Chris.
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Tell her asap, if she finds another bloke or gets in the "comfort zone" with you, you'll regret it, take her out for a drink or whatever and make your intentions clear.
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khil
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(Original post by -Blade-)
Good replies keep 'em coming!

I agree with what is being said. However I want to spend a brief amount of time seeing if she acts in the same way as that alone is pretty obvious if everything is wasted or not. But I will ask her out it's the only way to stop all these questions This idea that once I am seen as a mate I can't get out of it has me confused.

Why does the boy have to do ALL the work and the girl doesn't even make it any easier? In fact I am doing everything with the girl setting the rules in this situation. :mad:

The number issue has me very annoyed. What the hell is so suspicious about her giving numbers to boys? I give my numbers to quite a few girls on my uni course, in fact more significantly I am close to some of those girls but nothing is going on. Giving out a number isn't like hinting to someone you like them. Jeez she is 19. If she has been hurt in the past by boys then this is the only legit reason I can see for not being allowed to give her number out to boys. I wonder if she has her dad's number, or maybe her mum will think there is something going on :rolleyes:. To make things worse she can talk to who she wants on MSN, even strangers, her parents don't care about so their little rule is flawed. But if I can't have her MSN then I am f**ked. This leaves me only with MSN and MSN is hardly equivalent to talk to her when I actually like her. Case in point of this is I did not get asked to this place she went out with her mates 2 weeks ago because her PC was down. If we had each other's numbers it would not have been a problem. I've got a lot of anger for her parents.

I thought to myself "If her parents are strict then it means she is likely not used by boys, and has less chance of being taken in the future, and leaves me an open path", but really it makes it damn near impossible for me too. :mad:
I haven't read the entire post lol but parents getting suspicious over giving number to boys isn't that surprising. Hmmm I got told by my mum that I was er "outrageous" for asking a guy-friend for his number :rolleyes: Could be partly culture thing cus I'm Chinese and while my parents are very modern in thinking, in terms of relationships they're still quite old-fashioned.

Doesn't this girl have a mobile phone? And, with exactly how strict her parents are (who sounds much stricter than mine lol) - will they even let her go out with you, say she is still interested?

Out of interest - why can't you give her your number? Exactly how're the parents gonna know she is ringing a guy, and not a girlfriend? If she has your number, it'd solve part of the communication problem.

EDIT: Just read that she has got a mobile lol. Well how're the parents gonna know she's given her mobile number out? I don't get it - if she uses her mobile then SOMEONE other than herself and family must have her number too? What's the point of having a mobile if no one can have your number? If I were her, I'd set my phone on silent, leave it in my room, and ring you back whenever you text - a system like that might work I've dated a guy behind my parents' back before - it's certainly doable! Although at my suggested system, be sure she's on credit or if she's on contract be sure she uses only her free minutes :rolleyes: or the bill would scream rather loudly at the obvious lol. Although if it's on silent, all it'll take is her texting you back and then you ringing her up - how would her parents ever know?
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KerChing
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(Original post by -Blade-)

What to do? I really want a fair chance with her and I want to be with her.
Ta
seems like u really like this girl, and basically dont want to fu!k anything up, which is fair....

which brings me to my point, better to find the nearest and possible time, bit the bullet and go for it.... if u dont, u'll miss it and maybe regret it... and also you gotta think what its like in her position, she might have done a lot by nw..then again maybe nt soo much...

jus take the nearest opportunity, aint that hard.. then take things from there
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Profesh
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(Original post by killerbee)
with reference to point 4
they say absense make the heart grow stronger but sometimes you forget how much you liked a person, either physically or the other one, after a time apart
Not 'stronger': 'fonder'. If nothing else, I should think that absence makes the heart grow weaker.
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-Blade-
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Ok now I am confused.

With regards to Profesh's point: In the past when I liked a girl (and had the girl's number, lol), communication was still a problem as they would take ages to return calls and reply to txts and would never come on MSN. Without this initial communication, I wouldn't be able to organise something to meet the girl in person. So when I don't see such girl in uni for a few weeks due to holidays, and can't speak to her, I miss the person a lot, I don't get thrown off.

Likewise with this girl, I don't really miss her as much - and I haven't seen her for months, not weeks - because I haven't known her for long - but I got damn close very quickly - and even though all I have is her MSN address, which is like 2nd best to having her number, she is usually online so I can chat to her and she sometimes chats to me. I just can't talk to her whenever I want which would be possible if I had her number. I feel distant to her, but not "put off" and not really anticipating to see her again that I feel shy (although I am looking forward to seeing her), I just feel the same and still committed.

I did try organising things to do and invite her/her mates but I won't even begin on what sort of challenge that is. When I invited her she said she can't make it and not to worry about her I should go with my mates, and we will go out. She went out, but guess what? Cos she didn't even have my number she had no way of letting me know about her plans - her PC was down. This is what happens when I have run unreliable (her PC isn't exactly in tip top shape) method of communication.

irising - As for the number issue (pretty much the predominant issue here), before she told me about her number issue and she had to, I gave my number to her. She was saying how she can't take a boy's number or give hers out. My boy mates don't have her number. She can only give her number to girl mates, which she does. My name is a unisex name but I dunno, her parents might check her phone bill and her address book and do some analysis from there, lol. Even if they can't work it out, I don't think she wants to cross them. That's what matters at the end of the day. There are so many flaws to this number rule that I am not even going to start.

If I had her number, it'd solve the entire communication problem.

I can't be assed to do all these sly little games. I can play them, I've done them before, but they are tiring and boring and I shouldn't have to be like this with the girl I like, but she makes me have to behave like this.

Her parents letting her go out with me if we are interested in each other is an issue I too am worried about. This is why when I eventually ask her out I will tell her to give me the answer which isn't skewed by her parents ruling, and I would tell her we can talk about it and solve the bottleneck in the scenario that her parents maybe - because we can. I'll tell her we can go out regardless of them.

It has become so sad that once I had to txt her best mate to forward the message onto her, and then she txtd her best mate to forward the txt to me. How gay.

BTW, what is the "comfort zone"?
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Profesh
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Semantics: if it's non-reciprocal, then you've no option but to extricate yourself; and an effective means to accomplishing this is by way of 'distance' such that you might distract yourself and, ultimately, forget her entirely. Then, you've nothing to 'miss': the 'heart' [being a metaphor for whatever it is that you feel] grows 'weaker', as it were. This is the hypothetical solution to my own problem: I resign myself to uni; to a distinct and different social 'scene'; to new prospects and potentialities: I forget her, then I can move on. I cannot, however, reconcile while she remains 'at large' in my living space.

But enough prevarication; the sense in which this turn-of-phrase was originated by myself, in the previous post, can be taken thus: distance entails that your heart be 'weakened' by the strain of her absence; nothing more. Cryptic, no? Anyway, as to your dilemma:-

You might 'tell' her all manner of things; however, were it that she mirrored your level of commitment [at least, such that it might supersede her parents' ruling] then these obstructions would, and should, be irrelevant. What would be telling is this: are you meeting her half-way, or do most 'compromises' entail a disproportionate sacrifice on your own part? If the latter, then it seems certain that this girl doesn't warrant the rigamarole [as you, yourself, said: "There are so many flaws to this number rule that I am not even going to start."]

Regard the formerly burgeoning relationship between TSR members Risda and Englishstudent as a case-study: there is a genuine, reciprocal and - dare I say - equal sentiment; but parental interference is such that, for Risda, capitulating to desires of the heart would cause far more acute emotional discord than would be the case for her counterpart. The girl must confront her parents of her own accord, and on her own initiative, because the cross of their reprisal is altogether hers to bear: I cannot otherwise conceive of any scenario wherein this relationship of yours might yield a 'future'.

Hope this helps.
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khil
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Unless that girl gets an itemised bill there's no way they can know whom she rang or texted - and in an itemised bill they don't show the texts I don't think, so texting is safe. If you do the ringing then it wouldn't even appear on her bill so how would her parents find out? My parents never found out about my ex til after we broke up and I talked to the guy for 5 months - the only reason why my parents found out at all was cus I wasn't careful with my phonebill and then I saw no reason in lying it was a "friend" I was calling.

Is there any way this girl can ask her parents? My parents received my news very very well (on top of a VERY big phone bill which I don't have to pay back) - they didn't even say a word about what I did, just a little disappointed I didn't tell them, no shouting or whatever.

Right, so why can't this girl text you? She got your number, right? How's her parents supposed to find out who she's texting? And when they do find out, if the name was something like... Terri - how're they gonna know that it's actually Terry and not Terri? And once you're at uni with this girl, everything would be solved, right?

Thing is, if she's unwilling to cross her parents even with regards to the phone - and I can already see many loopholes she could go through lol - she's hardly gonna cross her parents by dating a guy, if they should say no, surely?

Out of interest, is this girl English? I've yet to hear of such a strict English family!
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