Girl losing interest? How do you deal with this?

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irisng

Thing is, if she's unwilling to cross her parents even with regards to the phone - and I can already see many loopholes she could go through lol - she's hardly gonna cross her parents by dating a guy, if they should say no, surely?

Quite: for instance, websites such as www.cbfsms.com provide a completely free, anonymous text-messaging service via the internet.

Reply 21

Charlottie

irisng

Unless that girl gets an itemised bill there's no way they can know whom she rang or texted - and in an itemised bill they don't show the texts I don't think, so texting is safe.

Mine showed texts.

Reply 22

-Blade-

Hmmmm interesting. Looks like I have some explaining to do. Profesh, your last post looks like something from out of a dictionary lol.

Ok this number thing. I gave her my number over MSN a long time ago. I did wonder if she saved this, but I doubt it for some reason. This was before I liked her and before she liked me (well my first invite out of her mates was about a week later - 2 weeks after I had met her, this is where the signs had started). After she told me about her parents (her parents gave her no choice but to have to tell her mates the truth), I left the number thing. But as I liked her more and more, obviously I wanted the number.

I know that if I ring her up and if I txt her then it won't show up on her phone bill (btw I don't know what network or tariff she is on), but this should be a 2 way thing, right? I am not going to constantly txt and call her - even if I have to because of some stupid rule.

Her parents can't find out who it is she is ringing, and if it is a boy. After all, my name is unisex. But I don't know how the number thing works. Maybe they take this so far that they ask her mates (her best mate lives on the same road as each other, and, although unrelated, their families are friends). She might not be able to handle lieing to her parents - I know I cannot.

The same concern has come across my mind about whether she is brave enough to date me. If she isn't "ruthless" to give her number out and defy her parents, and her parents don't want her dating a boy, then what hope is there? I don't care about what my parent's think hell they might not even like me dating a girl because they might worry I will get hurt and it will distract me from my studies but I don't care. If I like her, that's all that matters. But what really matters is if she likes me in the same way. So is she brave enough to give me signs, but won't be able to follow it up? If she likes me, her parents can't stop that, and she has to do something about it (ie date me), or her liking me will be like a bug in her system. That is what it feels like for me.

There is nothing wrong with having a boy's phone number, it's natural, liking a boy is natural, this is just how social life is. She is 19 and in uni, this is all bound to happen. Instead, her parents treat it like a crime. :mad:

It's a shame, because if we had each other's numbers and she constantly called and txtd me, it'd be another "sign" to go along. :frown:

I'll ask for her number - when I ask her out. God her parents have to make it all so hard! :mad:

BTW, she is Indian (like me). Said this is somewhere earlier.

Reply 23

-Blade-

Profesh

Semantics: if it's non-reciprocal, then you've no option but to extricate yourself;

I feel this is a 2 way thing. In fact, sometimes I think she has done more then I have to show her interest but I am just a bit slow because of lack of experience etc.

and an effective means to accomplishing this is by way of 'distance' such that you might distract yourself and, ultimately, forget her entirely.

I see the point now. :frown:

Then, you've nothing to 'miss': the 'heart' [being a metaphor for whatever it is that you feel] grows 'weaker', as it were. This is the hypothetical solution to my own problem: I resign myself to uni; to a distinct and different social 'scene'; to new prospects and potentialities: I forget her, then I can move on.

Yeah true. But the funny thing is, in the past, when I liked a girl and was away from her physical presence for a few weeks, which is nothing really, I missed her like hell. I even got anxious and nervous when I met her in person in uni again. With this girl, I am never shy or on edge around her and I can act normal and not make mistakes. However, there is some anticipation in seeing her again.

I cannot, however, reconcile while she remains 'at large' in my living space.

In my case, when I am in uni and she will be constantly there. This is another reason I regret not asking her out just after our last exam when we went out together. She gave some signs then, and if she said no I would have had 4 months to recover from it.

But enough prevarication; the sense in which this turn-of-phrase was originated by myself, in the previous post, can be taken thus: distance entails that your heart be 'weakened' by the strain of her absence; nothing more. Cryptic, no? Anyway, as to your dilemma:-

You might 'tell' her all manner of things;

You mean telling her private stuff? Yeah I do. However, she has done the same to me at will. She has told me plenty of things from out of the blue. More then I have told her, but when I tell her something I spend a lot more time explaining it all so no questions are left.

however, were it that she mirrored your level of commitment [at least, such that it might supersede her parents' ruling] then these obstructions would, and should, be irrelevant.

Before we "broke up", the commitment was half way. I didn't go out of my way to do anything especially with her. The most I have done is spending time with her and our mates revising. But she has helped me in the past and done things for me. Everything was equal, I didn't feel like I was doing all the work.

What would be telling is this: are you meeting her half-way, or do most 'compromises' entail a disproportionate sacrifice on your own part? If the latter, then it seems certain that this girl doesn't warrant the rigamarole [as you, yourself, said: "There are so many flaws to this number rule that I am not even going to start."

See above. As for that number comment I made, I meant it as in she can't talk to her own male mates from uni over the phone, but can on MSN. Her parents dont' check who she talks to on MSN, but she could talk to complete strangers who may be paedophiles. This is much worse then talking to boy mates from uni. Her parents think it's a crime to mix with boys when it is just a natural part of social development. There is nothing suspicious in that. I give my number to girls, doesn't mean something is going on. That is what I mean by flawed. I could go on and on about this :frown:

...

Regard the formerly burgeoning relationship between TSR members Risda and Englishstudent as a case-study: there is a genuine, reciprocal and - dare I say - equal sentiment; but parental interference is such that, for Risda, capitulating to desires of the heart would cause far more acute emotional discord than would be the case for her counterpart. The girl must confront her parents of her own accord, and on her own initiative, because the cross of their reprisal is altogether hers to bear: I cannot otherwise conceive of any scenario wherein this relationship of yours might yield a 'future'.

I don't know those two members but I can say this. While there is reciprocal activity in my "relationship" or friendship, if the girl I like follows her heart it may cause her and her parents heartache. But if it hurts her, it also leaves me hurt. I guess this girl will have to confront her parents as well, if she is serious about me but I can help her with that.

I cannot otherwise conceive of any scenario wherein this relationship of yours might yield a 'future'

Do you say this because of her parents? Maybe I am in denial of this quote. I knew right from the start that her parents would be a problem, however, I ain't going to let them win - or stop her from liking and being with a boy (which is probably what they want), I'm quite sure she likes me but there is more to this then that. If I don't fight, I have no determination or seriousness to be with her, but I am determined because I have to be and I really like her. All of this will go into the fight. I know her parents effect my chances, but I won't let them stop me. I'm sure I can sort this problem out with her - as long as she likes me, that is.

Hope this helps.

It does. Is all lost?

Reply 24

Arry_Munk

Simple......

Tell her how you feel, ask her for a date, do whatever youve gotta do. If she says 'yes' then fair play. If she says 'no i want to be friends' then accept it but dont act like a jerk towards her otherwise you'll end up the idiot! If she says 'no' then never talks to you again then accept shes a silly immature little girl.

If it all goes tits up, you'll get over it.......

Good luck

Reply 25

-Blade-

Arry_Munk

Yeah I agree but what really bugs me is whether I let a genuine chance - before we "broke up" - go to waste and may never get it again. And if I ask her if she liked me before, which I have to ask to rest my mind, and she says no, I will suspect it is a false answer because of all the signs. If I tell her the signs and she says it was just being friendly I will look the idiot. :frown:

Reply 26

Arry_Munk

No not at all. If so shes obviously just a pricktease, plain immature and a we know how much males hate them, unless their gullible ;-) From my perspective you seem an intelligent guy who is in touch and has good emotions. Besides, theres plenty more fish in the sea. Giving you the come on signs and then just blowing you out is just retarded in my book. If she does that then just ignore her and move on.....Dont matter if she Jessica Simpson

Reply 27

khil

You know, even if she does like you, she might not date you cus of her parents. I dunno - this is reminding me of what happened with me, although my problems weren't parents, it was religion, but pretty much the same in that I didn't feel I could be with the guy. Finding out the guy liked me as well made it harder and ultimately I had to break off with him anyway cus of all the religion thing - none of which had anything to do with how I was feeling I was still crazy about the guy when we broke up. Gosh, 8 months on I'm still not 100% over him lol.

I dunno... prompt whether she's even allowed to date before you ask the question, maybe? Cus seriously, if ultimately she feels she can't be with you due to family reasons, knowing you like her as well really does make it worse for the both of you. It did with me and my ex, at least.

Reply 28

-Blade-

Arry - can't argue your point mate.

Gwen - that contradiction does make me think she would/wouldn't tell me how she feels, if anything. Loud makes me think she will, laidback and cool makes me think she won't.

I have 2 weeks until I will see her at a gig my mate is holding with big name artists. I invited her and asked if her mates are coming and despite the problem that is her parents, she will be there with her mates and my mates will be there some of whom she knows, she has met and spoken to, some of whom she hasn't. 4 days after that party (2 days weekend), I start uni again. She invited me to a party of her mate's (whom I don't know at all) and when I said "I'll see" she tried to persuade me to come so she wanted me to come. With her best mate's party, the first real place she wanted me to come to, she asked me if her mate had invited me to which I said nah but I knew she wanted me to come and I wanted to come - she didn't invite me because it weren't her party, but now I get invited by her to other people's parties.

I raised this thread to get some advice and opinions - much like a 5th opinion lol. Although the advice here is a lot more detailed and different to what I keep hearing from telling people the signs - "she likes you", "she is interested". But I guess the replies here vary because of the theme and issue my situation and entire thread revolves around - interest, not just if she likes me or not.

irising - this is beginning to sound cliche'd lol but you make a valid point.

However, I said it before and I will say it again, I'm not a player. I'm serious about this girl because I really like her so I won't let things get in the way. This time apart is a test because even though I don't feel anything else than concern I still want her, and even though people tell me to let go because of her parents issue. If I wanted to be with someone else after thinking without her in my presence, I'd have failed.

Generally I am a determined person who gets what I want so if she likes me and I like her that's all that matters and we will be together. Does it make sense if we like each other but we don't do anything about it? No.

Parents aren't as big as religion (we are the same religion btw) and there's no religious constraints I can think of. We can talk about her parents because if she likes me - and that is the best possible situation - I ain't going to let it slide. We can sort out these problems like couples do. The potential problems like these I can't see as being impossible to solve.

We have talked about relationships and she said things like "yeah I'd be with such a guy if there was something there". Not once did her parents get mentioned when we talked about relationships.

The really messed up thing here is that ok she has strict parents. She has an older brother who is about my older brother's age - 22. Yet this girl usually has good manners (although sometimes this can be brought into debate). Basically she has been raised as a nice girl who is a decent mate. But her brother on the other hand is a player. What gives!? :confused:

Her parents don't seem bothered that he is a player or anything like he goes on porn - well the girl I like got blamed for that lol.
So he goes on porn and blames his sister, he breakes things like the PC and house items (dishes etc), uses girls for sex and her parents know all of that but they don't care? He doesn't get told off or anything. So if they have major reservations about me and her being together/liking each other or however far me and her get, I will have every right to be annoyed.

My mate (who the girl I like happens to dislike, along with his girlfriend - she told me) had to sneak with his girlfriend because his girlfriend has strict parents. Not as strict in that she couldn't give her number out but I heard him describe her parents and they were strict in giving her privileges. He told me and my other mate all the problems like her not being allowed, her parents finding out and not liking it etc etc. Well now they are together and steady in a longterm r'ship. If they can be together, so can I. BTW, they are Hindu and Gujrati/Sikh.

Reply 29

khil

Lol no, I suppose parents aren't as big as religion - I mean, my parents didn't find out about my relationship til after we broke up. In the end, God was the only one big enough to make me leave him.

I dunno - so you're sure she can date? (I have no idea how Indian culture works with religion and the whole dating thing, I'm assuming it's Hinduism?) Yeh it's worth a try - you've made up your mind anyway. The only way to find out if you two can be together is ask her - there isn't much other advice I can think of that people can give :smile:

Although, still, I wouldn't ask her unless you're sure she would date you if she likes you. I dunno - in the event of her feeling like she can't date you, you simply don't wanna risk that. I'm personally never taking that risk again after the hurt I inflicted upon myself and my ex - I mean, I still get scared of the possible pain if I even suspect a guy likes me and he wasn't a Christian. It's really not the sort of pain you forget. You gotta find out if parents are that big to her.

Good luck! :hugs:

Reply 30

-Blade-

irisng

In our religion I don't see what will stop us from dating. Then again, I am not extremely religious although I can ask others. The only possible thing is the castes system but this has never been an issue. None of my mates of the same religion even mention how religion affects their relationship because it probably doesn't.

Unfortunately, I am not sure if she can date if she likes me but her parents have to "let go" a bit. I don't really have strict parents (well I thought they were strict until I found out about hers) but my parents might not even like me going out with a girl because of the "I might get hurt and I am emotional" concern and the "it's a distraction from my studies" concern. But I don't care. I like her enough for these concerns not to stop me. Likewise, if she likes me enough her parents shouldn't stop her and she should "fight back". If she always does what her parents say, me and her don't stand a chance. :frown:

Thing is, I obviously don't know her parents near as well as she does. She will be in the best position to know if she can date me. So why should she give any signs if she knows her parents won't let her date me and things can't go anywhere?

Question, is she determined and not the type to give up at the sign of a problem?

If you want to know the signs, then IM me.

Reply 31

-Blade-

Bumping this thread.

Well I chatted to the girl yesterday for 4 1/2 hours STRAIGHT and it is obvious, judging by how the conversation went and the vibe, that all is not lost. Things are still the same. This is the longest conversation I've ever had with her and the most in depth and touching. If I have more conversations with her like this one, I can wait until uni begins no problem and these conversations are "signs of encouragement" - push me to making my move thinking I have a chance at gaining something. Then she came on at about 11 and chatted to me (she started the convo). Both of these convos had some sly hints I feel, hell I even nearly almost exposed myself for liking her in the later conversation...

As for the number thing, I asked over MSN but to no avail. So what difference will there be if I ask in person? Same old reasoning. It's not just her parents who don't want her giving her number to boys, but, and this is what really annoys me, her brother is a player. Who the hell is he to be setting rules to her? :mad:

I think that whether she likes me or not, the idea that "if she really likes you she will give her number" isn't true here because it will cause a lot of trouble and she might worry of getting caught/not prepared to go behind her family's back, etc (despite what some of the earlier posts say about it being hard to get caught, which is what I always thought myself). Anyway, it seems clear she gives signs.

So it is pretty obvious then, she liked/likes me, that is the most logical explanation for all the signs I've got, but if her parents find out a boy (me) likes her and she explains to them how I'm decent, they probably won't like it, and if they find out she likes me (if she does) her parents won't like that either but her liking a boy isn't in their control. It'll be hard for her parents to give me a chance but I won't give it all up at the first sign of trouble, I always knew this girl isn't going to be easy to be with...

Reply 32

SlyPie

Geez. Are you in love with her or do you simply like her? Sheesh. My feelings completely evaporated for a guy I dated for 3 months after the summertime and we didn't see each other at all....

Just ask her straight out. It's easier that way. Also reveal to her you like her..at the risk of losing your friendship but at the chance of gaining something more.

Reply 33

-Blade-

irising - you have PM.

SlyPie

Well if you lost interest in him then you weren't serious about him. Didn't you even see him during the dates? Uni is going to begin next week, that means no more distance.

Anyway, had some decent conversations with this girl, seems that all is fine and there is an attraction perhaps. When the girl isn't busy and we talk, we have some great conversations that shows we are still "tight" and she even likes me, like last week, I guess sometimes she is just busy or chatting to some mates.

Reply 34

little idiot

hey man i havn't read all your posts but it seems to me that your reading too much into it.
you should let it go until next week when you see her at uni and you can gauge from her body language whether or not she likes you.
also you can 'test the waters' by flirting with her, on a subtle level and see her reaction, for example poke fun at something she said or done and watch her reaction. she'll probably have that 'i cant believe you just said that' expression on her face.
this stuff is dynamite and it shows you have a sense of humour and are fun to be around.
think about it and let us know what happens