Favorite one liners from comedians

Just wondered what TSR members favourite one liner jokes were from comedians having had a discussion with my friends.

My fav. 3 are:

1) 'I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "go outside"' Demitri Martin
2) 'Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?' Adam Bloom
3) 'My brother came in from the garden holding a flaming ball of hydrogen. I said "My, you've caught the sun"' Mark Little

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Reply 1

username21537

I was talkin to a horse. He looked a little down and I said "hey why the long face"?
Talking to a rabbit he said "help Ive lost my foot! and i replied with "oh thats lucky""
wow thats two animal jokes on the trot...Three, sorry, three.

-Tim Vine (he does like 300 one liners in an hour iirc, perhaps more"

Reply 2

justin-credible

-I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

-I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

-Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Peter Kay - what a legend!

Reply 3

schism

a man walked in to a library took out a pair of scissors and started cutting the bottom of his trousers and throwing the pieces around, i thought-thats a turn up for the books.
hahahhahahah
-tim vine what a legend

Reply 4

username21537

schism

Snap

Reply 5

Stick Man

From that Iranian comedian:
"Please, keep laughing; it helps with my asylum application"
:biggrin:

Reply 6

username21537

mdm708

From that Iranian comedian:
"Please, keep laughing; it helps with my asylum application"
:biggrin:

omid djalili

Reply 7

Stick Man

Yeah that might be him. Either that or I need to pay a visit to Acronym Archive...

Reply 8

qwerty_st/n

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Peter Kay :love:

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs
Peter Kay :love:

Reply 9

Kura1984

"I say, bugger off will you? I'm not a real tramp you know. I'm on one of those corporate tramp placement schemes. Have you got £25 for some Lapsang Souchong?"

Bill Bailey - Wales, 2001

Reply 10

Endymion

'Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.'

Jimmy Carr - The king of one liners.

Reply 11

musicbloke

My grandmother had a stroke. I said to her, 'You'll be laughing on the other side of your face'.

MB

Reply 12

EPD

Jack Dee: What's blue and ***ks grannies?
People shout back "hypothermia"
JD: No. It's me in my lucky blue coat.

Reply 13

these_apples

Endymion

'Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.'

Jimmy Carr - The king of one liners.

Also another Jimmy Carr one liner in response to Michelle McMannus's 4 stone weight loss.

"Thats like throwing a deck chair off the titanic"
:biggrin:

Reply 14

DENNIS_MENACE

To those that posted Peter Kay quotes:

None of them can be accreditted to Peter Kay himself. Although many websites claim they are his jokes, how many of these quotes have you actually heard him say? I saw him when he was first starting at a comedy clubs and even then he wasn't really a gag merchant. His Bob Marley Jammin joke was not original and was originally used to show how crap the standard joke is. The 'animal testing' quote was done by a US comedian in the early nineties by a guy called Joseph Phosephina.

Reply 15

Cellardore

am i bovvard- i love that show it's so funny

Reply 16

colonel_sanders

Cellardore

am i bovvard- i love that show it's so funny

why? it's awful

"I'm sitting here completely surrounded by NO BEER!" - Geoffrey Hughes from Keeping up Appearances and The Royle Family, not really a comedian but funny none the less.

Reply 17

Cellardore

colonel_sanders

why? it's awful

fair enough, it's your opinion i guess.

Reply 18

mancjunglist

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

not a one liner but one of my favourite jokes ever

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Reply 19

.:fluff:.

"i went into WH Smiths to get my nephew a present, they said "why don't you get him a £10 voucher, he can spend it in any WH Smiths in the country!" i thought "ok, i was just going to give him one of those pesky £10 notes you can spend in every shop in the country" - Jasper Carrot

not the funniest but when i first heard it i cracked up :wink: