Favorite one liners from comedians Watch

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killerbee
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#41
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#41
haven't seen it for a while, but isn't there a giant bunny in it?
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Trousers
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#42
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#42
Another Omid Djalili one:
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold his penis.
...Sorry - I mean ladder.
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EPD
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#43
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#43
(Original post by Trousers)
Another Omid Djalili one:
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold his penis.
...Sorry - I mean ladder.
There's a whole new thread to be had with lightbulb jokes. One of my personal favourites:
How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
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Kittennffc
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#44
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Man, Omid Djalili is actually a legend! Nota one liner but when he talks about Indian bingo callers...Tandoori Chicken and Rice...49

Class.
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EPD
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#45
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Ed Byrne: I'm not going to swear tonight. I was brought up with my mother saying "If you have to swear to make people laugh, then you're a c***."
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silence
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#46
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#46
did you hear about the police that raided a library in bucharest?

i saw this buglar come out of someone's garden crying. it turned out he'd taken offence.

my jokes actually. well somewhat puns as well as jokes i guess.
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spamking
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#47
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#47
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.


fav pick up line:

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
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DENNIS_MENACE
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#48
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#48
silence- those joke were awful. What about ...

Did you here about the grape that attacked the battery?
The battery's alright, but the grape's being pressed for charges.
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OMGWTF
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#49
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#49
haven't seen it for a while, but isn't there a giant bunny in it?
Err maybe. They try to build a horse thing to infiltrate the French, could have been a bunny

I fart in your general direction!!
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Kura1984
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#50
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#50
Another lightbulb joke:

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

100.

1 to actually change it and 99 to drink until the room spins.

:confused:
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spamking
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#51
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How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

WE DON'T KNOW, IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED
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username21537
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#52
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#52
how many americans does it take to change a lightbulb? 1000. 1 to hold the buld, and 999 to turn the house around
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indy_punk
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#53
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"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated."
---Garry Trudeau

"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."
---Gilda Radner

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
---Robin Williams (on Clinton/Lewinsky affair)
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Janwise
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#54
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#54
Bill Bailey - "I'm a post-modern vegetarian, I eat meat - ironically"

This was said on Never Mind the Buzzcocks once, in the guess-which-ones-the-famous-person line up by an Australian comedian whos name I don't know;
"I like you number 3, I want to take you home, tie you to a chair and shag you - not because I'm gay, just because I have a lot of rope."

Bill Bailey is an absolute legend!
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killerbee
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#55
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#55
(Original post by OMGWTF)
I fart in your general direction!!
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"
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rainy_skye
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#56
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(Original post by silence)
did you hear about the police that raided a library in bucharest?
lol, that one cracked me up!!
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Geordie_in_HK
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#57
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#57
Ed Byrne complaining about American pronounciation.

What the f*** is aloominum, I hate it when they say aloominum foil - wtf is that!? everyone knows it's called tin....
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username21537
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#58
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#58
(Original post by Janwise)
Bill Bailey - "I'm a post-modern vegetarian, I eat meat - ironically"
beat ou to it. buy a long shot :P
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Olivia22
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#59
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#59
(Original post by OMGWTF)
.

We are the knights who say NI!

Bring me a shrubbery!!!!
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OMGWTF
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#60
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#60
Not too big, not too small

God Monty Python rules!
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