How Long Before Engagement? Watch

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MRLX69
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#41
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#41
1 day is reasonable...
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wednesburywench
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#42
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I dont think there is a set time, depends on the people, how old they are and what stage of life they are at. I have been with my boyfriend since i was 15/16 for 3 years now, and i wouldnt think about getting engaged, cus were just too young, altho i do love him and believe that we could last the way, were going to uni and that will be a struggle. If we survive that, then we can start to plan our lives together, not until then (another 5 yrs) so that wud be 8 yrs in total!! lol. Im dead against ppl who get engaged at 16/17 and even 18, after bein with sum1 for a few monhs or sometimes weeks. Silly people
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saz_1989
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#43
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Engagement to me doesn't mean that you have to start planning your marriage, so it would be less time. However it's still a big step; there's a big difference between telling each other you want to be together forever (as me and my boyfriend do now after four months) and actually getting engaged.
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jenniferH
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#44
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ive been with my boyfriend for 1 year four months and we are in the same situation, we know one day it will happen but we ant to wait as we are so young, i think alot of it does depend on age.
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ChemistBoy
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#45
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There is no set time, it just depends on the personal circumstances you find yourself in and what you believe. For some engagement is a step up the relationship ladder, however I personally believe that an engagement should just be the time taken to organise a wedding after you have decided to get married. I am remembering the host of female friends when I was 17 who flaunted their "engagement" rings when we all knew they had no intention of marrying their current partner.
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uncleramsay
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#46
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#46
I've been with my gf for two years. She is about to start her second year at uni, and im about to start my first.
She tells me a lot that she would get engaged to me now if I asked, but I'm not ready for it yet! We talk about it quite a bit, and I think we will prob end up gettin engaged when I am in my last year of uni, but i guess we'l have to wait and c.
I love her lots, and def want to be with her forever. However, as people have already said, there are unforeseen circumstances etc. A big thing for me also is I want to give her the wedding she really wants and deserves, and I simply won't have the monewy to do it until I'm out of uni, and working...
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Kingspharm
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#47
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(Original post by marabara)
I wouldn't want to be the one announcing to my family that I'm engaged for the eleventh time in as many years......
But think about all the diamond rings! :laugh:

One of my friends got married when we were still at school (for tax purposes). It didn't last long, they're divorced now.

I got married this July after being engaged for 2 years. We were together for 3 years before getting engaged.
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SlyPie
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#48
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(Shudder)..How can any of you get married so so young?

But don't worry, if the right, wealthy guy comes along, I'll get hitched too.
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amie
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#49
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(Original post by SlyPie)
But don't worry, if the right, wealthy guy comes along, I'll get hitched too.


Someone after my own heart! :cool:
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shady lane
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#50
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(Original post by Trousers)
That is interesting, but I think there's more to it than 'living together first makes your marriage crap'. Think about it - why would a couple not live together before marriage? The main reason has got to be religion. A religious couple is more likely than an atheist couple to (a) take marriage and their vows before God incredibly seriously, and (b) have religious families who would be extremely disappointed if they divorced.
I'm not religious and I don't want to live with anyone before I get married. To me, I feel if someone is willing to take the commitment to live with me, share bills, property, etc., possibly have children, then he should be willing to marry me as well. Moving in with someone isn't just fun and games, and I think he should be in the frame of mind that it's going to be permanent (hopefully). Also, I think it's more respectful to my family not to live with a man that I'm not married to...maybe that's just cultural (I'm Nigerian).

Personally I know a lot of people who say they should live together to "test it out." That mentality allows you to see breaking up as a reasonable possibility. Besides, if you are intimate with your partner and spend nights together even though you live separately, you'd probably get a good sense of what they are like around the house, when they wake up in the morning, etc. Living together before marriage just makes not getting married easier, because nothing would actually change. But if you don't get married and the person cheats on you, leading to a break up (at least in the US) you have fewer rights to property and alimony.
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MissInnocence
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#51
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i dont think there is any specific answer for this, solely because there are many factors that need to be taken into account, for example, the maturity of both people in the relationship, the situation, their ages and the level of understanding you have of each other.

In my personal opinion, i feel that age and maturity both play a big role. Obviously, someone who is 15 won't be as mature as someone who is, say 23 for example, and therefore the 15 year old will have an impaired judgement. I think the two people in the relationship need to know each other on all different levels, as a friend, as a lover etc. I think living with someone is quite important before engagement/marriage as people tend to change, or rather show a different side to them when you are living together. If due to any reason living together is out of the question (cultural/religious values or even your own morals/thoughts) i think spending substantial time with the person almost equals to living together. I have been with my current partner for 2 years and i believe we know each other completely, yet we have not lived together. I agree with all the views the poster above has expressed, they are my views exactly and i couldnt have said it any better. Again, this is probably due to my cultural values, I am from an Indian background.

Obviously, trust is a big part of any relationship, whether engaged or not. I don't know how to define 'situation'. I guess, by this, I mean, how much you have been through as a couple. As an example, one couple could be together for a year, seeing each other once every week and in this time they go out and concentrate on having a great time. On the other hand, a couple could be together for a year, but have been through a lot more hurdles as a couple - i think this gains a better understanding of your other half, such as their ability to cope with different situations and therefore results in you knowing the person much better.

I'm 18 myself and i'm engaged to a lovely guy, who is a couple of years older than me - we've been together for 2 yrs (and engaged since june). Many people think that 18 is too young to get engaged, but i feel that i am quite mature for my age (due to my hard upbringings) and therefore feel i have quite an even perspective of life and what i want from it. As a couple, we've been through many ups and downs together (in life, not with each other) and we both feel as we know each other inside out, each others strengths and weaknesses...However, marriage is not in the picture until we both graduate and have settled into our jobs. I know people may think that, by that time things may change...and of course that is a possibility with "young love" (but then again,this is a possibility even after being married to someone for 10 years). When you've already been through so many obstacles, and you are so sure of something, you never want to let it go, and you know the other person feels the same,you know its something that will last.

For me, the length of my relationship, 2 years, represents the time i have loved and been devoted to this man - why? Because i love him and i feel that he is the right one for me. I could not be in a relationship at all, let alone this long, just for the sake of it...while i was waiting for someone better to come along.

On a slightly different note...i think it's great people dont want to get engaged until they are totally ready...it means people are thinking more about their future - maybe we wont have so many failed marriages
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Manatee
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#52
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#52
(Original post by shady lane)
Personally I know a lot of people who say they should live together to "test it out." That mentality allows you to see breaking up as a reasonable possibility.
But breaking up is a reasonable possibility - just look at the statistics! It's one thing to have every intention of making the relationship last, but shutting your eyes to the possibility that it may not is not helpful, in my opinion.

(Original post by shady lane)
Besides, if you are intimate with your partner and spend nights together even though you live separately, you'd probably get a good sense of what they are like around the house, when they wake up in the morning, etc.
I'm afraid I don't agree. Spending the occasional night with someone gives you little idea of what they are like to live with. Will they help with the housework? How will the relationship hold up when faced with everyday stereotype? Is one person really tidy and the other really messy? These things may not seem very important when you don't live with someone but become far more so when you have to face them every day - that's why I think it's good to go into marriage with your eyes open.

(Original post by shady lane)
Living together before marriage just makes not getting married easier, because nothing would actually change. But if you don't get married and the person cheats on you, leading to a break up (at least in the US) you have fewer rights to property and alimony.
Not a very romantic reason for marriage, is it?
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MissInnocence
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#53
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(Original post by Manatee)
Spending the occasional night with someone gives you little idea of what they are like to live with. Will they help with the housework? How will the relationship hold up when faced with everyday stereotype? Is one person really tidy and the other really messy? These things may not seem very important when you don't live with someone but become far more so when you have to face them every day - that's why I think it's good to go into marriage with your eyes open.

I agree and disagree with this post. I agree with the fact that there is little scope to know how every day life will be with the person, but these things can be seen by their living habits. Is their flat tidy, do they leave everything to the last minute? Or if they are living with their parents, how much do they help around the house? If living together before marriage is not an option, these things need and can be discussed with each other to sort out your expectations of each other. Communication is the key to every successful and healthy relationship. Though after some time, i'm sure you get the general idea of how they will be around the house. For example, although in general my partner is not the most organised person, he is very helpful and does a lot for people/helps around the house a lot. He's already made it clear that when we do move in together, he does not expect me to do all the housework on my own as he wants to help out too...therefore i know what i am expecting in that area. As another example, by general observation, i also know that the weekends will be devoted primarily to his sports...he has been playing cricket every saturday since a very young age and i dont expect this to change, and nor do i want it to - that's his passion and i dont want to play a role in surpressing that
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ChemistBoy
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#54
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(Original post by Manatee)
Not a very romantic reason for marriage, is it?
But the actual reason it was instigated in the first place.
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amie
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#55
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(Original post by MissInnocence)
I agree and disagree with this post. I agree with the fact that there is little scope to know how every day life will be with the person, but these things can be seen by their living habits. Is their flat tidy, do they leave everything to the last minute? Or if they are living with their parents, how much do they help around the house? If living together before marriage is not an option, these things need and can be discussed with each other to sort out your expectations of each other. Though after some time, i'm sure you get the general idea of how they will be around the house. For example, although in general my partner is not the most organised person, he is very helpful and does a lot for people/helps around the house alot. He's already made it clear that when we do move intogether, he does not expect me to do all the housework on my own as he wants to help out too...therefore i know what i am expecting in that area.
There's a difference between what you're expecting and what might actually happen.

You won't know whether he actually plans on helping around the house until you live together. You might see him help in his own home, but how do you know it'll be the same when you're married and live together? It could be that he'll put in the effort for the first few weeks and then ease off as things get more comfortable, or he might help out consistently forever! But you just don't know until you experience it.
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MissInnocence
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#56
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(Original post by amie)
There's a difference between what you're expecting and what might actually happen.

You won't know whether he actually plans on helping around the house until you live together. It could be that he'll put in the effort for the first few weeks and then ease off as things get more comfortable, or he might help out consistently forever! But you just don't know until you experience it.

that is completely true, but i think this is where trust comes into the relationship. Although some people may be all talk and not do things when it comes down to it, i think that if you have been in a relationship long enough, you can make a fairly accurate judgement about whether or not they will stick to their word. i'm blessed with such a lovely, caring partner...he has always put others needs before his own and never let me down. We have a lot of fun together but through hard times he has been there for me 100%. The way i see him with his parents, he's always doing so much for them around the house and other things, they dont even have what i would call a good relationship....he is just an amazing person overall. I dont think he would be any different with me, especially when he has said so.
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Manatee
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#57
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(Original post by MissInnocence)
I agree and disagree with this post. I agree with the fact that there is little scope to know how every day life will be with the person, but these things can be seen by their living habits. Is their flat tidy, do they leave everything to the last minute? Or if they are living with their parents, how much do they help around the house? If living together before marriage is not an option, these things need and can be discussed with each other to sort out your expectations of each other.
To some extent you are certainly right - the things you mention can be a good indication of how someone will behave. Unfortunately it doesn't always work; some people are good at putting on a facade in front of a loved one, and some people just behave differently towards their parents from the way they behave towards their partner. In cases like that, there is no substitute for actual experience. It all depends on the people involved, I suppose.
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Fluffy
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#58
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I've lived with my other half for 5 years. Do not see the point of engagement and marriage unles we decide to have children.

I've seen a lot of good, stable relationships disintergrate after those 2 little words have been uttered...
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shady lane
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#59
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(Original post by Fluffy)
I've lived with my other half for 5 years. Do not see the point of engagement and marriage unles we decide to have children.

I've seen a lot of good, stable relationships disintergrate after those 2 little words have been uttered...
I am not saying that living together is wrong, and I'm not saying that marriage is the best thing ever.
I think the reasons so many marriages break up is that people think it IS about romance. Marriage is not about romance!
Of course I will love the man I marry. But there are a LOT of things that are more important:
-what are his values?
- does he want children? how many?
- how does he want to raise children?
- is he ambitious? does he have goals?
- does he respect me? do i respect him?
- does he have a good relationship with his family?
- does he have the same attitude about relationships and commitment as I do?
Those are the things I will be looking for. So yes, I would hope the person I marry is not just like "we love each other, that's all we need." No, it's not. Which is why I don't feel I need to live with the person.

In terms of staying over nights, I dated someone for a year at uni, I spent one to two nights a week sleeping over at his place. And I definitely know his habits: cleanliness, responsibilities, doing the groceries, cooking, paying bills, etc. But I didn't need to be living with him in his apartment to learn those things. And given the way we broke up, I am SO happy I had my own place!
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lisac
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#60
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#60
i was with my 1st bloke 3 years and my ex about 3 and half years and i wouldnt have considered it at all!
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