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Awkwardness with my mum
I've been experiencing this every time I come home from uni and despite trying everything I can think of nothing seems to help the situation, so I'd appreciate any advice you could give me, and sorry if I sound too whiney, I really need to vent!
Basically my brother and I are part of a single-parent family and my mum has never had a job, so we're not very well off at all. I've started helping out as much as I can by giving my mum all the money I have left over from my loan to pay her off for everything I cost her in the holidays such as extra food, and I help around the house when I can (or when I'm allowed to).
I didn't mind the situation at all during the Christmas holidays, as I really missed everyone at home, but in this past year whenever I came home all I seem to hear from my mum is complaints about how much I cost her and how much I inconvenience her. I've not heard her say she's glad to have me back and recently she's often started saying about how I should go back to uni and live in accommodation there. My mum's a very straightforward person and when she says something like that she means it!
I think it's gone beyond a joke now, since I have to ask her permission whenever I want a shower/bath, eat any snacks etc, and she picks fault with literally anything that I do. I've tried talking seriously to her a few times but she always cuts off the convo by saying that I have nothing to complain about as I'm 'rich with my student loan'. I'm hoping that she'll feel a bit better towards me when I start my job next week, so I can start paying her more money, but I'm worried I'll just feel more resentful towards her than ever. It's getting so bad that I don't want to come home for Christmas or even at all again, because I just can't stand being made to feel like such a nuisance all the time.
Do I need to stop being so sensitive because it's just a normal part of growing up and wanting my own independence, or is there something extra I should be doing to help her out? Any replies appreciated!
Basically my brother and I are part of a single-parent family and my mum has never had a job, so we're not very well off at all. I've started helping out as much as I can by giving my mum all the money I have left over from my loan to pay her off for everything I cost her in the holidays such as extra food, and I help around the house when I can (or when I'm allowed to).
I didn't mind the situation at all during the Christmas holidays, as I really missed everyone at home, but in this past year whenever I came home all I seem to hear from my mum is complaints about how much I cost her and how much I inconvenience her. I've not heard her say she's glad to have me back and recently she's often started saying about how I should go back to uni and live in accommodation there. My mum's a very straightforward person and when she says something like that she means it!
I think it's gone beyond a joke now, since I have to ask her permission whenever I want a shower/bath, eat any snacks etc, and she picks fault with literally anything that I do. I've tried talking seriously to her a few times but she always cuts off the convo by saying that I have nothing to complain about as I'm 'rich with my student loan'. I'm hoping that she'll feel a bit better towards me when I start my job next week, so I can start paying her more money, but I'm worried I'll just feel more resentful towards her than ever. It's getting so bad that I don't want to come home for Christmas or even at all again, because I just can't stand being made to feel like such a nuisance all the time.
Do I need to stop being so sensitive because it's just a normal part of growing up and wanting my own independence, or is there something extra I should be doing to help her out? Any replies appreciated!
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Your mom sounds slightly jealous of you! I think there's a certain resentment that she hasn't been able to live up to ideals of the kind of life she thought she'd have. I an only imagine that this part of her problem, because when I had my son last year I fell into a pit of depression when I (thought I) 'realised' that I would never amount to anything more than a mom.
Also, she has given up her life to raise you and now you're as good as leaving the nest and she's probably feeling lonely and, in a way, used up. I'm notsaying that you used her but she may feel that her uses as a mother are limited except to give you the money she doesn't have.
Perhaps, encourage her to do something for herself. It sounds like she needs a new lease of life - a hobby, an education or just new friends?
As for the home situation, if it's that bad then you ould try to chip in by doing the food shopping or paying for the electricity. Just one thing to take the load off your mom a bit.
I know she's messing with your head a bit! But, trust me, she doesn't mean what she is saying to you. She 'means' it at the time but, in the long run, she'll always want the best for you. She's not there to be maliious and to make you feel bad for amounting to something more, academically.
To ease it right away though, I think you two should go out and have a bit of fun. Go to a restaurant or go shopping. You don't have to spend a packet.. you've got your student discount!
Anyway, that's my little take on the situation. Don't tell your mom I said any of this.... I don't like getting into trouble with moms!
Also, she has given up her life to raise you and now you're as good as leaving the nest and she's probably feeling lonely and, in a way, used up. I'm notsaying that you used her but she may feel that her uses as a mother are limited except to give you the money she doesn't have.
Perhaps, encourage her to do something for herself. It sounds like she needs a new lease of life - a hobby, an education or just new friends?
As for the home situation, if it's that bad then you ould try to chip in by doing the food shopping or paying for the electricity. Just one thing to take the load off your mom a bit.
I know she's messing with your head a bit! But, trust me, she doesn't mean what she is saying to you. She 'means' it at the time but, in the long run, she'll always want the best for you. She's not there to be maliious and to make you feel bad for amounting to something more, academically.
To ease it right away though, I think you two should go out and have a bit of fun. Go to a restaurant or go shopping. You don't have to spend a packet.. you've got your student discount!
Anyway, that's my little take on the situation. Don't tell your mom I said any of this.... I don't like getting into trouble with moms!
pikaboo
I'd rather leave on good terms with my family first though. At this rate my mum will be throwing a party when I leave and that makes me feel kinda crap 
Well she is being difficult...shes tryin to make you guilty just because you have money. Yet you have no control... if shes not able to work and just claims benefits, whos fault is that? Surely not yours, as you're self-sufficient
Edit: You've made a clear effort to help but she doesnt appreciate it...what kind of a mum is that?
Kura1984
Your mom sounds slightly jealous of you! I think there's a certain resentment that she hasn't been able to live up to ideals of the kind of life she thought she'd have. I an only imagine that this part of her problem, because when I had my son last year I fell into a pit of depression when I (thought I) 'realised' that I would never amount to anything more than a mom.
Also, she has given up her life to raise you and now you're as good as leaving the nest and she's probably feeling lonely and, in a way, used up. I'm notsaying that you used her but she may feel that her uses as a mother are limited except to give you the money she doesn't have.
Perhaps, encourage her to do something for herself. It sounds like she needs a new lease of life - a hobby, an education or just new friends?
As for the home situation, if it's that bad then you ould try to chip in by doing the food shopping or paying for the electricity. Just one thing to take the load off your mom a bit.
I know she's messing with your head a bit! But, trust me, she doesn't mean what she is saying to you. She 'means' it at the time but, in the long run, she'll always want the best for you. She's not there to be maliious and to make you feel bad for amounting to something more, academically.
To ease it right away though, I think you two should go out and have a bit of fun. Go to a restaurant or go shopping. You don't have to spend a packet.. you've got your student discount!
Anyway, that's my little take on the situation. Don't tell your mom I said any of this.... I don't like getting into trouble with moms!
Also, she has given up her life to raise you and now you're as good as leaving the nest and she's probably feeling lonely and, in a way, used up. I'm notsaying that you used her but she may feel that her uses as a mother are limited except to give you the money she doesn't have.
Perhaps, encourage her to do something for herself. It sounds like she needs a new lease of life - a hobby, an education or just new friends?
As for the home situation, if it's that bad then you ould try to chip in by doing the food shopping or paying for the electricity. Just one thing to take the load off your mom a bit.
I know she's messing with your head a bit! But, trust me, she doesn't mean what she is saying to you. She 'means' it at the time but, in the long run, she'll always want the best for you. She's not there to be maliious and to make you feel bad for amounting to something more, academically.
To ease it right away though, I think you two should go out and have a bit of fun. Go to a restaurant or go shopping. You don't have to spend a packet.. you've got your student discount!
Anyway, that's my little take on the situation. Don't tell your mom I said any of this.... I don't like getting into trouble with moms!
The ironic thing is since I left my mum's been going out far more and has a boyfriend (supposedly, since I've not met him
) so I thought she'd be happier and loosen up, but it seems to be the opposite. I've offered literally all the money I have left to help pay for bills etc, but she won't accept it...I think you're onto something and she might be a bit too proud to take my money for anything significant like that, but it still doesn't stop her from constantly snapping. Anyhoo thanks for the reply, it's a bit more reassuring
I wish I could take her out somewhere as a treat but she'd just see it as a waste of my money, and only a short-term solution. Meh.
pikaboo
I'd rather leave on good terms with my family first though. At this rate my mum will be throwing a party when I leave and that makes me feel kinda crap
Yea it sounds like shes annoyed at herself and is taking it out on you, can't she get a job? Just help with financial bits here and there so she'l have less stuff to worry about. I think you should approach her when shes in a better mood and have a discussion about this to try and sort things out. (Though if shes anything like mine this will be impossible)
She is doing training but it's a long-term committment and right now it doesn't seem to be progressing very quickly. All part-time jobs would give her less money than benefits do. It's a really frustrating situation, maybe I'll just have to leave and hope she'll feel better towards me when I'm 200 miles away and sending her a few cheques, lol.
wow i had no idea there were people in the same situation as me!
I can't really offer you any advice. I've gotten to the point where I don't care any more. I've tried to understand. I've tried to explain. And now I just don't see the point. I've decided to leave as soon as possible. I know I'll feel guilty and I'll miss her but the way i see it, at least I'll have done something to deserve the guilt, rather than being made to feel guilty when I'm doing literally everything in my power to help, even getting in serious debt on her behalf (she asked me to pay off her credit cards for her) I'm getting jobs at uni during the holidays and maybe coming back for 2 or 3 wek visits every now and then but otherwise I'm out. I'm 18. It shouldn't be my responsibility. I've been looking after my mother since I was 8 and I just want to be allowed to be a little bit selfish for once. I've missed out on my childhood and there's no way I'm going to let this ruin uni for me as well.
I can't really offer you any advice. I've gotten to the point where I don't care any more. I've tried to understand. I've tried to explain. And now I just don't see the point. I've decided to leave as soon as possible. I know I'll feel guilty and I'll miss her but the way i see it, at least I'll have done something to deserve the guilt, rather than being made to feel guilty when I'm doing literally everything in my power to help, even getting in serious debt on her behalf (she asked me to pay off her credit cards for her) I'm getting jobs at uni during the holidays and maybe coming back for 2 or 3 wek visits every now and then but otherwise I'm out. I'm 18. It shouldn't be my responsibility. I've been looking after my mother since I was 8 and I just want to be allowed to be a little bit selfish for once. I've missed out on my childhood and there's no way I'm going to let this ruin uni for me as well.
send her money in the post so that way she cant say no, and your not here to see her shouting or moaning at you
Don't give her any of your student loan money. That's given to you for a reason and you'll have to pay it back. Perhaps when you're back home consider buying your own food or whatever though, if you can. Basically take the load off of her "hospitality" as much as possible.
She gets benefits. If she can't support herself with these then there's probably a reason for it that's more her fault than anyone else's. You're a student, you're going to be skint and are not in the position to be some sort of provider for your family. If your mother keeps making you feel guilty, I recommend telling her to **** off.
She gets benefits. If she can't support herself with these then there's probably a reason for it that's more her fault than anyone else's. You're a student, you're going to be skint and are not in the position to be some sort of provider for your family. If your mother keeps making you feel guilty, I recommend telling her to **** off.
I feel sad because we used to be so close, and got on so well. Since I got more self-sufficient though she seems to be using any excuse to have a go at me. I have a 12 month contract on the student house I'm renting at uni, maybe I will just stay there all year. It's a bit pathetic it's come to this, really.
Maybe you will have to stay in Durham then. 
She's so tight with her money, but then she goes out every night, it's becoming a bit obvious she's trying to use you for your loan.
She's so tight with her money, but then she goes out every night, it's becoming a bit obvious she's trying to use you for your loan.
sr4470
Let us know how it goes.
Bah, I get neg repped despite nearly everyone being in agreement with me?
Bah, I get neg repped despite nearly everyone being in agreement with me?
Lol don't worry, I wanted some honest opinions, I'll make up the rep when I can.
tis_me_lord
Maybe you will have to stay in Durham then.
She's so tight with her money, but then she goes out every night, it's becoming a bit obvious she's trying to use you for your loan.
She's so tight with her money, but then she goes out every night, it's becoming a bit obvious she's trying to use you for your loan.
I'm in a no-win situation, I miss people so badly when I'm in Durham but then I love the independence and not being nagged at constantly. Maybe just very short visits home are the answer, then she can't accuse me of taking up all her money.
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