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another-relationship is over because of uni thread

I'm feeling bitter and sad, and even though i know he reads these forums sometimes, im gonne post anyway. Bascially i had a rocky relationship that has good times but a lot of the time was misunderstanding/arguements, and we foudn we got on better when we weren't technically "gf and bf", but anyway, in the last couple of months there seem to have been lots of arguments about uni, and something that happened at the beginning of the relationship, that i thought both of us were over, kept coming back up agian, it came down to the fact he didn't really trust me at all, i would get so many mixed messages, practically ignored during the day, then teary phonecalls late at night asking me to promise not to leave him. I got th eimpression that he would check up a lot on me at uni, or ask me laodsa questiosn about everything, and this got me annoyed, because I 100% planned to be faithful, truthful, honest, etc, and was trying my hardest to make him feel included by inviting him to freshers events.

One day he made me feel really low, and I (perhaps foolishly) ddecided to meet up with a girlon my course and go out night clubbing, it was great, and her flatmate was really great too, the next day i made the mistake of saying i really liked this guy to my boyf, and it got me thinking that if i was single I would be looking at other guys, and in the back of my mind i already had been, he decided this revalation meant i "didn't deserve him" and if he had any self respect for himself he woudl end it, so he did. Which i didn;t understand, someone rings u up night after night begging you not to dump them, then turns round and dumps you.

We agreed to be "friends" but the next time we saw each other just sorta fell back into each others arms and kissed, but didn't get back together just said something about "special firends" which was really confusing to me but semeed to make sence at the time. Now i find i just miss him all time time, and want the feeling back that he needs me and I am his world and all that other mushy stuff. He seems to have a great new social life, out bowling one night, pub another , clubbing the next, and where as mine has picked up a little bit, my firends say im more confident and happy and stuff(which i feel in the daY) it still seems false to me liek it is just a front i am putting up to cope with things, and i try to keep busy packing for uni, but late at night the feleing is always there, i miss him loads, but i don't think it woudl work at all if we got back together.

Just now i really offended him and it made me cry, even though i shouldn't be crying over someone who just dumped me like that!WE were together for 9months which is the longest relationship i've ever had, and i think one of his longest(2nd or 3rd), and even though everoyne tells me to be positive and ill meet loadsa new people(im sure i will) i still can;t help feleign im going to go to uni and feel miserable and just need to be held and be close to him, so i am afraid i will rebound into some other random guy who doesnt care about mes arm jus for some affection, as i find myself flirting with random guys now, if they show me any interest. At the moment its just txt/msn but i have a feeling if i went out i woudl end up just dancing with maybe mkissing some random guy to try make myself feel better, then i would hate myself more and feel cheap! It's such a mess :confused:

Im up and down all over the place, i think we have only been technically broke up just less thna a week! but it feles like months, cause i used to txt him all the time and talk for hours, now i have to restrain myself from wanting to do that. Even though half the time i have no idea what to talk to him about.Whenver i think back to the relationship i rmember feeling trapped and controlled and not myself because i had to censoreverythign i said so as not to hurt him, and was often made to felel guilty about joeks he took offense to, and it was sooo stressful, but still i feel sad, because then i remmber the good times, most of which were really early on in the relationship and wish things could have stayed like them. THe arguing was so bad, often over nothing, so why can;t i see this negative point and just move on? Or is it just the night times that make me miserable because i am so tired, and think about holding him and fallin asleep next to him. I don't know i just needed to type all this out, in the hope that someone will listen. :frown:

this is a really long post, ill be surprised if anyone manages to read it all!

Reply 1

ciara

13

I think what you need to keep at the front of your mind is all the stuff you said in the last paragraph: a relationship where you argue loads and that makes you feel trapped, hurt and stressed isn't one that you should be staying in, regardless of university.

I know from personal experience how easy it is to get almost addicted to the ups and downs of arguing and then some sort of passionate make-up, it's an endless cycle, but long term it makes you miserable. I also understand that despite all the arguments, you care about him, if only for being close to him for that long. However, from the way you've worded your post it is about feeling loved and needed again and not about this particular ex. I think everyone feels like that after coming out of a long term relationship actually, just because you take it for granted that you're needed and it can be a bit of a shock when you aren't any more.

However, from what you've said I don't think you need him any more. You don't need an emotional (yet unhappy) relationship to give you self worth. Hell, you don't need a man at all! Try to sort of rebuild your mindset around being a singleton again. Concentrate on going to uni and remember not to get yourself a reputation as a bit desperate in fresher's week. That won't help the self worth issue. It might take a bit fo self control for a while (after my similarish dysfunctional relationship I pulled ridiculous amounts of people - it made me feel rubbish after a while), but soon enough you should be back to normal. You know you can have a great time without him, so make sure you do that. And next time you enter a relationship, I'd avoid the over-emotional, crying down the phone type. Maybe it's just me but I find them so stressful.

Good luck!

Cxx

Reply 2

Emily-Sarah

1

You'll find once you get to university that it's a lot more convenient and easy without somebody else to think about, and you'll have so much to do and sort out that one day you'll suddenly realise you haven't thought about it for a while and you'll surprise yourself that you're pretty much over it.
The worst thing you can do is go back into something which (sorry) pretty much isn't going to work out, and have it mess up the best experience of your life at uni. Just forget about him, try not to meet up with him and it'll make it an awful lot easier!

Reply 3

SianyLou

10

I know exactly how you feel.. For ages after being dumped (BY TEXT MIGHT I ADD) by my boyfriend of 2 and a half years (for much the same reasons), I felt like my world was ending cos I simply had no way of filling the time that had just been freed up for me. Lucky for you, you're off to uni for a new start so you can leave all these thoughts as a part of your old life. Me and my boyf broke up back in March, so I got myself a new part time job to fill the time I would be spending with him and ended up with a decent sized paypacket at the end of each month!

I know as well as everyone else that it's hard when a relationship ends, its been such a big part of your life. But if you think back to how much heartache it caused at the time, surely in the longterm you're better without! I know I LOVE not having to report back to my boyfriend now when I don't get home til the small hours...!

Reply 4

Frogsofhope

OP

2

thanks for all the helpful adive people. Like i said in the day time i am fine, the busier I am the better i cope, i just need to try carry that through to the lonely nights! lessthanthree,siara you really made me feel good bout myself, and babynessontoast its good to hear someone has come out the otherside feleing great,emily-sarah hope your right about it being easy once i get to uni :smile:

Reply 5

Tednol

10

When a long relationship ends it is only natural to feel like it is in the end of the world. You have undoubtedly had family and friends tell you time after time to keep your head up and not to worry because university will be just amazing and you'll meet so many people... and if you are anything like me you'll have wanted nothing more than for everybody to shut up and let you wallow in self pity for a bit. But they are right; university is unlike anything you'll have experienced to date. You'll meet so many people, some who will irritate you, some who will make you laugh and some who you will immediately feel at ease amongst. There are an awful lot of great people out there as you will find out.

Feeling sad, and wishing the past was different is not an entirely negative thing. Don't feel bad about the fact you won't always be feeling 100% - it's all part of the healing process. Just take your time, go at your own pace, relax into university and you'll have an incredible time. I promise!

x

Reply 6

MrFulton

Just don't ever forget. Think of how many hundreds of Students our age are in exactly the same situation as yourself. It may not help you personally but we're all in the same boat. Including me. It's just one of those things. Grit your teeth and think positive.

Reply 7

khil

15

Ultimately you know it was for the best that you two broke up. So keep that in mind and allow yourself time to move on. It's perfectly natural to just want to be with someone again - for ages after I broke up with my ex I just wanted someone again etc and someone to need me again etc. It's natural - just let it out and give yourself time. You know it's for the best - don't go back now. It'll take time but the hurt does go away eventually. I still hurt sometimes over my break-up - just a dull ache, nothing too serious - and it's been 8 months. But time does heal. You just gotta give yourself time.

:hugs:

It'll be all right, honey. It's ok. :hugs:

Reply 8

Frogsofhope

OP

2

irisng

Ultimately you know it was for the best that you two broke up. So keep that in mind and allow yourself time to move on. It's perfectly natural to just want to be with someone again - for ages after I broke up with my ex I just wanted someone again etc and someone to need me again etc. It's natural - just let it out and give yourself time. You know it's for the best - don't go back now. It'll take time but the hurt does go away eventually. I still hurt sometimes over my break-up - just a dull ache, nothing too serious - and it's been 8 months. But time does heal. You just gotta give yourself time.

:hugs:

It'll be all right, honey. It's ok. :hugs:

thanks

i know loads of other people are going through it, maybe there can be a people who have just got dumped society and we can all rebound off each other :biggrin:

or something like that :rolleyes:

I know what you(forgot who YOU is) mean about people telling you it will be allright, and just wanting them to shut up while I wallow, but they are also the peopel, liek you guys, giving me much needed positive messages, and wallawing isss sooo lasst week!

Reply 9

naelse

15

have a hug :hugs:

another-relationship is over because of uni thread

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