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Ready to scream

Lately there's been a feeling I haven't quite been able to shake off. I'm not sure if that's the thing that's making me frustrated or if it's the actual reason for the feeling, but I'm frustrated. Feeling down, tired, very "blah", etc.

It's just...everything feels same-y lately. Life's suddenly gotten so monotonous (or has it always been like that and I've only just noticed?). Get up, go to college. Learn things. Go to work. Set the table, feed a resident, load the dishwasher, leave work. Playing domestic to old people. Even though I've got many breaks/free periods in my timetable, every day will be the same as the following weeks'. This Thursday will be the same as the next because it's timetabled. A routine. It isn't enough to have college days that aren't 9 -3 now, because each week is still some routine that's beginning to look even more pointless as time goes on.

I've got to go to Edinburgh in less than two weeks for an Open Day and I'm tempted to forget about the return flight and stay there (causing a lot of problems for my family in the meantime). I know it's running away but if I don't do something soon, I will lose it. Already I've been tempted, on my way to work, to forget about it and walk around for two hours/do something drastically random and adrenaline-filled. If I ever do that, I'll lose my job. I don't want to, and I want to stay at college (I like my subjects) but it's just all...I'm tired of it all. Feeling down all the time, knowing that the idea that I could just walk away from everything is too dangerous and it's too easy.

I don't want to do something different every day/every week just for the sake of it, just because I'll be scared of going back to the normality of everything (where everything is as it should be: college, work, coursework, sleep).

I realise this may make not much sense or it may just appear to be some angsty teenage blog entry (I did write something similar in my LJ :P) but I just really needed to get it out and see if anyone else felt the same way. Someone said to me I should take a small break because I "need it".

Everything just feels like it's all packed into my head and I can't quite shift it.

Reply 1

alexcutts

How long have you been working? It might be nice to take some time off (paid), maybe make a little holiday of your open day...

Reply 2

Daragh

Things will get better, trust me.

Reply 3

lostinfantasies

I've been working almost seven months at the nursing home. It's just two or three nights a week, feeding a resident and loading the washing machine & dishwasher, etc. As it's a part-time job I doubt I get a holiday (except for when my family's booked one), and the Open Day to Edinburgh falls between two days I'm working (working Wednesday and Saturday, OD's on the Thursday). I'm desperate to get out of here, but I'm always worried about work and family and college and everyone's reactions if I just decided to forget about everything and leave.

Part of me wants to take this selfish action though. I'm tired, emotionally, and I want to get outta here. It shouldn't have to be a big deal or anything.

My job isn't exactly strenuous, but it's seen little change, and I see the same four walls each night I work and to be honest, they're not that thrilling :P

*hugs deej2 back :smile:

Reply 4

Evenstar

If you're at college studying, then you are obviously working towards something. Things will get better; you are just starting out on the path of the rest of your life.

Reply 5

lostinfantasies

Evenstar

If you're at college studying, then you are obviously working towards something. Things will get better; you are just starting out on the path of the rest of your life.

I know; my aim in life is to become an Occupational Therapist (hence why I took Sociology, Psychology and Human Bio). But right now it's hard to think about then.

Thanks *hugs*.

Reply 6

alexcutts

you're entitled to four weeks a year, paid pro rata (so you'll get paid for those 3 days) - just so you/anyone else who needs a break but can't afford to is aware

I got quite like that a few years ago, I ended up dropping an A Level, trying to get out more. You can always do something spontaneous (when i'm really bored I tend to go on a long walk)... call in sick, phone up a friend. I'm not sure what course you're doing (and what grades you'll need), but every day doesn't have to be about work.

One other thing - I can completely understand what you mean about peoples reactions, theres no way you could try and talk to your family about leaving without them telling you not to..

Anyway, trying to help (even if its not the best advice :tongue:

)... maybe its just a temporary phase? I get very bored with routine from time to time as well...

Reply 7

lostinfantasies

I hope it's temporary :biggrin:

. Couldn't stand feeling like this ALL the time lol.

Nah, I can picture what my family would say. "You've just had a two-month break, what more d'ya need?" / "you've been back at college a week!". Which is fair enough.

I've sort of just made the decision to switch my mobile off and not go online for a few days (forums, MSN, LJ, etc.) Maybe this'll help, maybe it won't, but it's worth a try/an attempt at being "invisible" for a few days while I think.

Reply 8

Little Girl Red

i felt exactly like this in january this year - i was just so tired of school and everything being the same and it all felt so unbelievable pointless. like you i just felt like i could not take any more of it. everything was all the same, i couldnt just do what i liked. i felt trapped and i hated it.
also like you, i was in year 13. so what im going to say is this: the way i got through it was just firmly focusing on the magical date (for me, may 11) when you leave school and finally each day is it's own. i did some stuff to help me feel a bit more alive again: i went to centerparcs with my boyfriend (and his family, but it was still awesome); i attempted to pass my driving test (and failed); i went to alton towers; i went camping for a week in the gower. of course you have to revise for your exams too, but i had 5 weeks of study leave before even my first (and 7 weeks before my last). i lined up 4 "holidays" in a row so that they were always there like a magical week - cyprus with my friends, camping in the gower (again) with my scouting friends, canada with my family (they pay - yay!), and the official scout camp.
and now of course EVERYTHING is changing with uni. different friends, different place to live, different things to learn - literally everything is different and whilst that is scary, it is still EXCITING.
so my advice is to you - focus on the day when you get out of school. until that time (i know, its what...8 months away?) try and do little things like going to a theme park with your friends, trying a new sport (waterskiing - dry slope skiing - climbing -caving) or ANYTHING that is a little unusual. lol in january i ended up taking at least one day off school every single week for a month and a half. i wouldnt advise that but doing different things helps to break up the monotone. also you must remember that in a year (only one year! and it passes so quickly) you will be leaving your home and living somewhere completly different, where nothing will be the same. and that is what you must focus on most of all.
you will get through it.

Reply 9

Icy Ghost

Don't worry about it. You'll see that your life will get better soon!

Reply 10

lilsk8achic666

Stick in but maybe find something new to do one night of the week, like go bowling, or go 2 the pix with your friends, or g ofor a run, a swim, anything a little bit different that you can change each week so it's not as monotonous. Don't give up its not worth the hassle in the future :smile: