relationship.....'issue'

i've been with my boyfriend for a few months now and we haven't had sex yet. i lost my virginity a couple years ago in a one off to an ex and it was a really big mistake and left me feeling pretty messed up and used. since then, i've felt really weird about everything and it made me treat guys differently and stuff. i'm getting better and i'm getting over what happened but i find it really difficult letting people near me. i've had boyfriends before this one and i had the same problem, it's just with this one i like him so much and i don't want to drive him away because of a stupid mistake i made just because i feel strange about letting him come near me. i don't know what to do, i know it really annoys him every time i say no, don't get me wrong, he is brilliant about it and says it's ok and he's fine with it, but i know he's not. anyone know how i can stop feeling like this? i know it's kind of a big question to ask, but i couldn't bear losing him, and i don't know what to do or how to completely get over it.
thank you if you do help in any way!

Reply 1

President_Ben

15

Tell him to read exactly that.

It shows you care a great deal and hopefully, he will too.

Time is a great healer.

Reply 2

DeLboY

I agree, if you can tell him exactly what you have just written there, then I don't forsee any problems. If he cares about you, he'll understand.

Reply 3

JonnyB

2

Preferably not this ACTUAL page, he might be slightly pissed/creeped out that you would post it here. :rolleyes:

Reply 4

leannemarie

11

I would agree, just tell him how you feel and why you feel it and just explain that you need some more time to get over it. If he doesn't understand then I'd say he's not worth it! I wouldn't be afraid about talking to him because he should at least try to understand and respect what you say/how you feel.

Reply 5

technik

13

tell him the reason for your saying no, rather than just saying no. his reaction will also tell you some valuable information

Reply 6

~NC~

11

Tell him why you dont feel ready, if he is worthy of you he will understand and will not hold it against you however if he leaves you becasue of it he is not good enough for you, you posting it on here shows that ypu care a lot about him.

Reply 7

keyka

i totally agree with Nutchopper, if he loves you he'll understand and wait 'til you're ready, if he hes not satisfied with that then tell him where to go. you can't change the way he feels but you can explain why you feel that way and then let him do the changing. Also, try not to feel too bad about what happened- we all make mistakes. Being more careful about what you do now is probably a good thing and your guy should respect you for that. hope it all sorts out. :smile:

Reply 8

saywhatnow

OP

6

thank you everyone! in response to...well, all of you really....he knows a bit about why i just can't, like about what happened and stuff. but i don't even know myself why i keep saying no, i know it wouldn't be like it was last time and he wouldn't hurt me like my ex did. i can't get over it though, and it's so weird, he said he'll wait till i'm ready, but he's going away soon and he keeps suggesting me staying over. i know he wants us to spend time together before he's gone but i also know that he's doing it in the vague hope we'll sleep together before he goes away which makes me even more worried about it! it's like i've got myself into a mental mess and i don't know why i'm in it or how to get out of it. anyone ever feel like that?

Reply 9

TheLameSaint

1

Wait, you were prepared to have a fling with your ex, but the guy you're currently with you'll not let him touch you.

Makes sense.

Reply 10

envoy

saywhatnow

thank you everyone! in response to...well, all of you really....he knows a bit about why i just can't, like about what happened and stuff. but i don't even know myself why i keep saying no, i know it wouldn't be like it was last time and he wouldn't hurt me like my ex did. i can't get over it though, and it's so weird, he said he'll wait till i'm ready, but he's going away soon and he keeps suggesting me staying over. i know he wants us to spend time together before he's gone but i also know that he's doing it in the vague hope we'll sleep together before he goes away which makes me even more worried about it! it's like i've got myself into a mental mess and i don't know why i'm in it or how to get out of it. anyone ever feel like that?

I think it is true that people tend to remember things that affected them negatively more than the things that are positive because it is helpful i.e. don't want to go through that experience again. At least that is my attitude towards these things. I don't know how far you have gone with your boyfriend, but I think that you are right to exercise caution because anything you will do when you are concerned in this way has the potential to impact greatly upon you. I suggest that you think about the following questions: do you want to be more intimate with this guy? That is, is it your experience of sex that is holding you back as opposed to the man? What is holding you back? Why do you feel this pressure- is it societal expectations or things that he says and does? Why do you think that you should have sex? With him?

The only thing that I can suggest is that, if it is the case that you would like to have sex with him then, you set definite boundaries to what you are comfortable with. Emphasise the importance of trust. Hopefully with time you will get used to getting gradually closer to him until sex is a possibility. Don't rush it though. Be very clear about your comfort zone and increases in that; and don't be afraid to tell him to stop at whatever stage. That he cares about you means he will care about your boundaries.

Reply 11

saywhatnow

OP

6

TheLameSaint

Wait, you were prepared to have a fling with your ex, but the guy you're currently with you'll not let him touch you.

Makes sense.

actually the relationship ended but i still liked him and was dumb enough to believe he liked me too so i didn't realise it was going to be a one-off (fling is such an over- estimation)

so i think it does make sense.

Reply 12

saywhatnow

OP

6

envoy

I think it is true that people tend to remember things that affected them negatively more than the things that are positive because it is helpful i.e. don't want to go through that experience again. At least that is my attitude towards these things. I don't know how far you have gone with your boyfriend, but I think that you are right to exercise caution because anything you will do when you are concerned in this way has the potential to impact greatly upon you. I suggest that you think about the following questions: do you want to be more intimate with this guy? That is, is it your experience of sex that is holding you back as opposed to the man? What is holding you back? Why do you feel this pressure- is it societal expectations or things that he says and does? Why do you think that you should have sex? With him?

The only thing that I can suggest is that, if it is the case that you would like to have sex with him then, you set definite boundaries to what you are comfortable with. Emphasise the importance of trust. Hopefully with time you will get used to getting gradually closer to him until sex is a possibility. Don't rush it though. Be very clear about your comfort zone and increases in that; and don't be afraid to tell him to stop at whatever stage. That he cares about you means he will care about your boundaries.

thank you, that was really helpful, you sound like you know what you're talking about! i will think about what you said, you're right about the negative experiences. i seem to have adopted the 'learn from your mistakes and the past' philosophy, only i do it too much sometimes!

relationship.....'issue'

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