Making her see sense

Ok, I have a friend who went out with a guy for 6 months. They only saw each-other once a week during these months, were never sexually intimate, never went to each-others houses (she actually didn't even know his address!) and weren't even able to speak to each-other on the phone (they solely communicated via text or MSN)
Anyway, this relationship broke down when he finished with her about a month ago (via MSN!) however she has taken it extremely badly. She won't sleep, won't eat and keeps saying how he's made a mistake & that they were gonna be together forever. The problem has now gotten 100x worse. She is talking about leaving University because she can't face seeing him around there (he goes to the same Uni as her & occasionly shares lectures with her) :confused:

I told her that she would be giving up a hell of a lot doing that & that breaking up with someone is no reason for leaving Uni. Her next idea is that she is going to transfer to another University but the problem is her course is rare and she can only transfer to Bristol, Leicester, Liverpool or UCL & all of those places (bar UCL) will mean her moving half-way up the country (we live on the south coast).
I personally think this is too extreme, there is no need to move from a Uni she has been at for a year & start a new life at the other end of the country (all alone) because a relationship of 6 months has broken down. The probem is I can't get her to see this, I can't convince her that she is going too far :frown:

Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I just let her go? Does anyone else think she is being too extreme?
Any advice would be appreciated, esp. considering we have to be back at Uni in about 10 days :afraid:

Reply 1

~Raven~

Oh dear.... I think she is being VERY extreme, but I know how it feels to have to see your ex all over the place.

has she been like this before over a guy? The best idea I have really is to provide her with some good coping/avoidance techniques, e.g focus on her work, get a new haircut etc... but I'm sure you've tried all those.

If she goes... i think she'll regret it but then again I don't know her.

Reply 2

envoy

This does sound a little extreme, but I suspect it indicates most about how she viewed the situation.
I don't know what you have said exactly to her so far, but perhaps you should get her thinking about the good things she has by staying at her current university- ask her what she likes (or, if she is very sad, then what she liked) about being there in order to get her thinking about what she will be leaving if she chooses to go ahead. Though don't say as much, just bring it up to let her dwell on the ramifications of what she is proposing.
I think that you need to draw out her thoughts about the situation, about where it was going and contrast it with the reality- what you describe sounds more akin to protracted dating than a relationship. Perhaps do this by getting her to look at the way other friends conduct relationships.Again, though, have to be fairly subtle!
An important point is that she is punishing herself for the behaviour of another. In the aftermath of a relationship it is difficult to attain equilibrium and she sounds very down, so no doubt this exacerbates things for her. Clearly, though, the hopes she had for the relationship were not shared by the other party. Why do this to herself for someone who is not worthy of it?

You don't mention whether she has made serious, albeit informal inquiries, to the other universities. As you say, time is short, so *if* she was serious I would think that things should be reaching an advanced stage by now.

Finally (!), if she is adamant about making a change then I suggest she might want to go for some person-centred counselling. It can help when someone is facing a major decision.

Reply 3

fuglyduckling

Man... that's crazy! She is taking this way too seriously. Hope she can put this in perspective. Take her shopping, or ice-skating (or whatever it is girls like to do these days :rolleyes:

), and try to cheer her up. It's cool that she has you there to help her deal with this. :cool:

Reply 4

Logan

Even for a relationship that only lasted for 6 months... met each other for a fewweeks... and then just text and msn. I think the woman is desperate to have more of their relationship.. like to meet more often, talk more often, and get pretty intimate with each other. Since that did not happen i think she wasnt quite ready to let the relationship go. I really pity her though, I just find women to be extremely sensetive sometimes especially when it comes to relationship. (heck i even got to be slapped in the face and hated by the friends of my friend - yep shes a she - just because i called her "irresponsible" which i did not even really mean it to be that way.

Reply 5

PFC123

Thanks everyone, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought it had gone too far :smile:

The problem is that this was her first ever relationship of any kind, she had never even been on a 'date' with anyone before this guy which is why I think it's taken it's toll on her :redface:

Reply 6

envoy

I wondered about this. It does make things more difficult. It sounds harsh, but it demonstrates important things: that an occurence does not signify the same things to different people and that happiness shouldn't be dependent upon another. One day I hope to live by these thoughts!