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Bhaal85
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#21
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#21
(Original post by a_musical_gal)
Yep every word.
I rarely compiment people. But what you wrote held my interest.
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4Ed
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#22
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#22
(Original post by a_musical_gal)
Yep every word.
I think it is an outstanding piece of writing - unique, creative, with some beautiful language and imagery. Except the last sentence there should be:

He had only spoken to her a few times, but she adored him
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AllergicToFairydust
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#23
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#23
[COLOR=purple]next bit (including the last few lines of the last bit)

The reward ceremony would take place tomorrow. She along with her best friend, Georgina who won the tennis tournament, would come one by one on the stage and be presented with a small cup with the school’s name and event engraved finely. She pictured her being presented with the cup, the headmistress shaking her hand and the audience’s applause, her father’s proud face, her mother joyfully weeping and then his face appeared brightly smiling. Julian. He was a best friend of Georgina’s brother who she had met during a stay at Georgina’s house last summer. He only spoke to her a few times but she adored him, her boys with the sparkling blue eyes. He’d come up to her, afterwards, and say something corny like your beauty is only matched by diamonds and then kissed her hand softy.
But it was only a fantasy. Julian would not be there and he certainly wouldn’t be kissing her hand, he was in Cornwall attending his boarding school which was only a mile from a girls’ boarding school. However, she would enjoy writing about this fantasy in her diary later in fantastic detail.
“Alicia, Alicia!” She heard the familiar voice of Georgina shouting and turning she saw her blond haired, brown eyed petite friend heading towards her dressing in her tennis outfit, her racket in her left hand. “Hello, been practicing?” Alicia asked.
“Yes, Miss Howard is a dear. She’s agreed to extra lessons on Saturdays afternoon. She is supposed to tutor pupils who cannot play very well then but she has a half an hour where she can give me and extra lesson. Isn’t it great?” Alicia nodded half-heartily, she was disappointed. Alicia loved her chess as much as Georgina loved her tennis and she always showed an interest but Georgina never asked about chess. Walking to their dorm, Alicia and Georgina talked delightfully of the reward ceremony tomorrow before changing for supper and heading to the Grand Hall.
Afterwards, Georgina brushed her hair until it shone brightly and retreated to her bed and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Alicia, however, wrote three pages in her golden bound red diary, writing everything about the chess game and Julian. Finishing with “I wish fantasies come true”, she blow out the candle and fell asleep.
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GH
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#24
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#24
(Original post by a_musical_gal)
[COLOR=purple]next bit (including the last few lines of the last bit)

The reward ceremony would take place tomorrow. She along with her best friend, Georgina who won the tennis tournament, would come one by one on the stage and be presented with a small cup with the school’s name and event engraved finely. She pictured her being presented with the cup, the headmistress shaking her hand and the audience’s applause, her father’s proud face, her mother joyfully weeping and then his face appeared brightly smiling. Julian. He was a best friend of Georgina’s brother who she had met during a stay at Georgina’s house last summer. He only spoke to her a few times but she adored him, her boys with the sparkling blue eyes. He’d come up to her, afterwards, and say something corny like your beauty is only matched by diamonds and then kissed her hand softy.
But it was only a fantasy. Julian would not be there and he certainly wouldn’t be kissing her hand, he was in Cornwall attending his boarding school which was only a mile from a girls’ boarding school. However, she would enjoy writing about this fantasy in her diary later in fantastic detail.
“Alicia, Alicia!” She heard the familiar voice of Georgina shouting and turning she saw her blond haired, brown eyed petite friend heading towards her dressing in her tennis outfit, her racket in her left hand. “Hello, been practicing?” Alicia asked.
“Yes, Miss Howard is a dear. She’s agreed to extra lessons on Saturdays afternoon. She is supposed to tutor pupils who cannot play very well then but she has a half an hour where she can give me and extra lesson. Isn’t it great?” Alicia nodded half-heartily, she was disappointed. Alicia loved her chess as much as Georgina loved her tennis and she always showed an interest but Georgina never asked about chess. Walking to their dorm, Alicia and Georgina talked delightfully of the reward ceremony tomorrow before changing for supper and heading to the Grand Hall.
Afterwards, Georgina brushed her hair until it shone brightly and retreated to her bed and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Alicia, however, wrote three pages in her golden bound red diary, writing everything about the chess game and Julian. Finishing with “I wish fantasies come true”, she blow out the candle and fell asleep.
Nice story.
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4Ed
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#25
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#25
(Original post by 2776 2)
Nice story.
when is the setting of your story? I'd hate to be pinickety, but I'm not sure that's how people talk anymore - your dialogue extract seems to be straight out of an Enid Blyton 'Mallory Towers' or 'St Claires' novel.

Iron out the grammar and it will be even better.
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hitchhiker_13
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#26
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#26
The reward ceremony would take place tomorrow. She, along with her best friend Georgina, who won the tennis tournament, would come one by one on to the stage and be presented with a small cup with the school’s name and event engraved finely. She pictured herself being presented with the cup; the headmistress shaking her hand and the audience’s applause; her father’s proud face; her mother joyfully weeping, and then his face appeared brightly smiling. Julian. He was a best friend of Georgina’s brother who she had met during a stay at Georgina’s house last summer. He had only spoken to her a few times but she adored him, her boy with the sparkling blue eyes. He’d come up to her afterwards, and said something corny like, "Your beauty is only matched by diamonds." and then kissed her hand softy.
But it was only a fantasy. Julian would not be there and he certainly wouldn’t be kissing her hand, he was in Cornwall attending his boarding school which was only a mile from a girls’ boarding school. However, she would enjoy writing about this fantasy in her diary later in fantastic detail.
“Alicia, Alicia!”
She heard the familiar voice of Georgina shouting and turning she saw her blond haired, brown eyed petite friend heading towards her dressing in her tennis outfit, her racket in her left hand. “Hello, been practising?” Alicia asked.
“Yes, Miss Howard is a dear. She’s agreed to extra lessons on Saturday afternoon. She is supposed to tutor pupils who cannot play very well then but she has a half an hour where she can give me an extra lesson. Isn’t it great?”
Alicia nodded half-heartily; she was disappointed. Alicia loved her chess as much as Georgina loved her tennis, and she always showed an interest but Georgina never asked about chess. Walking to their dorm, Alicia and Georgina talked delightfully of the reward ceremony tomorrow before changing for supper and heading to the Grand Hall.
Afterwards, Georgina brushed her hair until it shone brightly and retreated to her bed and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Alicia, however, wrote three pages in her golden bound red diary, writing everything about the chess game and Julian. Finishing with “I wish fantasies came true”, she blew out the candle and fell asleep.



I know this is rude, but I thought if everyone else was being pernickety...
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Tobias
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#27
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#27
(Original post by a_musical_gal)

Read the following - do you understand it?

Dancing elegantly around each other coyly without any music, they never met or touched. The movement on the marbled checkered floor echoed in the majestic hall, as all eyes gazed on them occasionally clapping. It seemed to on forever for the dancers dressed in black and white, gracefully moving in a combination of steps used for decades until only there were only four of dancers left. Two blackly dressed, Two whitely dressed. The dance was almost complete, soon there would be a solo dancer left on the floor engulfed in celebration. This time it would be white.

“Checkmate,” said the girl as she made her final move and then rested her hands on her navy pleated skirt.

In chess it's impossible for there only to be one piece left on the board, to be literal.
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onearmedscissor
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#28
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#28
(Original post by Tobias)
In chess it's impossible for there only to be one piece left on the board, to be literal.
2, Kings can't be taken. Also, it's extremely rare that only 2 pieces are left, stalemate after 50 moves.
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Bhaal85
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#29
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#29
(Original post by onearmedscissor)
2, Kings can't be taken. Also, it's extremely rare that only 2 pieces are left, stalemate after 50 moves.
Once can dream, though, cant they?
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4Ed
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#30
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#30
(Original post by onearmedscissor)
2, Kings can't be taken. Also, it's extremely rare that only 2 pieces are left, stalemate after 50 moves.
this girl's a chess champ innit? AND it's a storybook - you can't just have the classic queen-rook-bishop checkmate - you gotta hve something special
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Dude
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#31
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#31
(Original post by a_musical_gal)

Read the following - do you understand it?

Dancing elegantly around each other coyly without any music, they never met or touched. The movement on the marbled checkered floor echoed in the majestic hall, as all eyes gazed on them occasionally clapping. It seemed to on forever for the dancers dressed in black and white, gracefully moving in a combination of steps used for decades until only there were only four of dancers left. Two blackly dressed, Two whitely dressed. The dance was almost complete, soon there would be a solo dancer left on the floor engulfed in celebration. This time it would be white.

“Checkmate,” said the girl as she made her final move and then rested her hands on her navy pleated skirt.

that is really celver that. i love things like that.
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AllergicToFairydust
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#32
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#32
What if it was that other game, what is it called? the other one where the pieces are flat and jump over each other?

Yes, it is supposed to sound like its straight out of a Enid Blyton book because she was my childhood hero (until I found she was dead!) and I'm using stuff and lingo she would so I have something to write about when I analise aka

I decided to write my story in the era in which Enid Blyton wrote many of her boarding school stories for example The Twins at St Claires and her many other which were my favourite books as I grew up. However, Enid Blyton avoided anything romantic in her stories for example in The Famous Five, the four children have grown up together and in the last book Julian (yes this is where I got my names from George and Julian, remember them!) was about 17 or 18 years old yet he never expirenced one sexual feeling towards any girl he encounted.
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serendipity
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#33
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#33
(Original post by a_musical_gal)
What if it was that other game, what is it called? the other one where the pieces are flat and jump over each other?

Yes, it is supposed to sound like its straight out of a Enid Blyton book because she was my childhood hero (until I found she was dead!) and I'm using stuff and lingo she would so I have something to write about when I analise aka

I decided to write my story in the era in which Enid Blyton wrote many of her boarding school stories for example The Twins at St Claires and her many other which were my favourite books as I grew up. However, Enid Blyton avoided anything romantic in her stories for example in The Famous Five, the four children have grown up together and in the last book Julian (yes this is where I got my names from George and Julian, remember them!) was about 17 or 18 years old yet he never expirenced one sexual feeling towards any girl he encounted.
Maybe he was a eunuch?
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4Ed
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#34
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#34
(Original post by a_musical_gal)
What if it was that other game, what is it called? the other one where the pieces are flat and jump over each other?

Yes, it is supposed to sound like its straight out of a Enid Blyton book because she was my childhood hero (until I found she was dead!) and I'm using stuff and lingo she would so I have something to write about when I analise aka

I decided to write my story in the era in which Enid Blyton wrote many of her boarding school stories for example The Twins at St Claires and her many other which were my favourite books as I grew up. However, Enid Blyton avoided anything romantic in her stories for example in The Famous Five, the four children have grown up together and in the last book Julian (yes this is where I got my names from George and Julian, remember them!) was about 17 or 18 years old yet he never expirenced one sexual feeling towards any girl he encounted.
respect. I used to love Enid Blyton books - for some reason I also read the Twins at St Claires and Mallory Towers stuff as well... I can see the Enid Blyton influence there you're right about the lack of sexual emotions, and I think that's the spirit that should prevail in children's novels, instead of writers like Jacqueline Wilson, who seem to make obsession with blokes her priority!

One also notices (unfortunately) how Enid Blyton's character's names have some innuendo to them.... ****, Fanny, etc etc... but that doesnt detract from how great the stories were.

Oh and that other game = checkers
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serendipity
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(Original post by 4Ed)
respect. I used to love Enid Blyton books - for some reason I also read the Twins at St Claires and Mallory Towers stuff as well... I can see the Enid Blyton influence there you're right about the lack of sexual emotions, and I think that's the spirit that should prevail in children's novels, instead of writers like Jacqueline Wilson, who seem to make obsession with blokes her priority!

One also notices (unfortunately) how Enid Blyton's character's names have some innuendo to them.... ****, Fanny, etc etc... but that doesnt detract from how great the stories were.

Oh and that other game = checkers
Ahhh the Magic Faraway Tree!!! How amazing was that??!
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TK
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#36
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#36
(Original post by 4Ed)
respect. I used to love Enid Blyton books - for some reason I also read the Twins at St Claires and Mallory Towers stuff as well... I can see the Enid Blyton influence there you're right about the lack of sexual emotions, and I think that's the spirit that should prevail in children's novels, instead of writers like Jacqueline Wilson, who seem to make obsession with blokes her priority!

One also notices (unfortunately) how Enid Blyton's character's names have some innuendo to them.... ****, Fanny, etc etc... but that doesnt detract from how great the stories were.

Oh and that other game = checkers
LMAO. I love Enid Blyton and Jaqueline Wilson
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4Ed
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#37
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#37
(Original post by serendipity)
Ahhh the Magic Faraway Tree!!! How amazing was that??!
yeah that was one of my favourites too although I didn't think moonface literally had a moon on his face until i saw the diagram on the book!

did anyone read the children of Cherrytree/Willow Farm etc? My fav was probably teh Famous Five or the Secrets series (not secret 7)
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prince_capri
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#38
(Original post by Sire)
*chuckles* I liked that one. Thought it was chess, but couldn't be entirely sure until DtheStudent said so. Very nice.
um hmmm..........good point made !!!
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AllergicToFairydust
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#39
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#39
well, my story won't be full on sexual emotions and stuff just basically what I have planned is....

1. Georgina's (from here on known as G) brother AND Julian turn up at the school next day as their school has broken up for summer and they are staying near by to wait for G to finish school tomorrow.

2. Alicia (ditto but A) is a mad rush to go to the hospital wing because G has fallen down some stairs, drops her diary and Julian finds it and reads the last entry.

3. The reward cememory (- G because she is still in the hospital wing, broken arm) is held and afterwards Julian goes up to A to hand her back her diary and then asks her if she want to go for a walk into the garden, she accepts and then they exit the hall holding hands!

suggestions? comments?
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dylan plant
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#40
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#40
(Original post by a_musical_gal)

Read the following - do you understand it?

Dancing elegantly around each other coyly without any music, they never met or touched. The movement on the marbled checkered floor echoed in the majestic hall, as all eyes gazed on them occasionally clapping. It seemed to on forever for the dancers dressed in black and white, gracefully moving in a combination of steps used for decades until only there were only four of dancers left. Two blackly dressed, Two whitely dressed. The dance was almost complete, soon there would be a solo dancer left on the floor engulfed in celebration. This time it would be white.

“Checkmate,” said the girl as she made her final move and then rested her hands on her navy pleated skirt.

not at all
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