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Boyfriend said sex was boring and I wasn't good at it Watch

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    (Original post by Pop_tart)
    Please leave this guy, not for me but for yourself! He is a selfish ******.
    Honestly, you deserve so much better than that, who does he think he is to say such a thing? He could have said ''lets try something new =D''

    Honestly don't bother with him again cause all he wants is sex and doesn't care about your feelings a single bit, he is not worth it
    agree!!
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    (Original post by FormerlyHistoryStudent)
    So if your girlfriend laughed at your prowess in bed, or told you outright that you didn't satisfy her at all and were boring in bed, you wouldn't mind?
    I'd sure be disappointed to hear it, and I'd ask her for further explanation and try to find out what I can do better. That's the grown-up approach. Emotionally I'd be largely unmoved by it, like if my boss told me my work was **** or someone said my food wasn't very nice. If I gave a **** about my performance at that thing, then I'd try to improve it, if I didn't, I probably wouldn't.

    (Original post by FormerlyHistoryStudent)
    Or if she insulted your tastes or possessions or parents?
    LOL, what? Give me an example, actually - like what someone might actually say to insult those things? If we're talking about generic insults like "Your parents are ******* gay" or "OMFG you like totally **** music" then I can not express how little I would care. They're meaningless statements said for the sole purpose of evoking a negative emotional response. Anyone who is upset by such things, I blame them entirely.

    Or, if you mean calmer criticisms like, I don't know, "You only have really cheap clothes, eh?" or "Your parents don't earn very much for their age." then, again, instead of melting into a whimpering heap of cry-cry, why not just think about what was said and if it's true? I'll use those to demonstrate:

    1
    "You only have really cheap clothes, eh?"

    "Erm, yea I suppose so - I got this from a charity shop and most things are like from years ago at TK Max or something. I'm not very bothered about expensive brands and stuff."

    or, if it's not true.

    (best to be modest) "Hmm, what makes you say that?"
    Or if you like just go ahead and show them some shop receipts.

    2

    "Your parents don't earn very much for their age."

    Well, how much do they earn? Is it above average, below average? If either of those, then perhaps how do their outgoings affect the usefulness of their earnings, too? Are they happy with what they earn?


    The thing is, what people say about/to you can either be right, in which case why would you get upset; wrong, in which case why would you get upset; or just a meaningless insult intended to upset you, in which case why would you get upset?

    (Original post by FormerlyHistoryStudent)
    After all, it's just words, isn't it.
    Exactly! It is literally just a noise produced by someone else's mouth. Why make yourself so vulnerable by keeping a catalogue of "sounds I shall be offended by"?


    (Original post by FormerlyHistoryStudent)
    Yet again you're assuming a hell of a lot about her, basing your view on stereotypes. You don't seem to see any problem with people being blunt and insensitive, even when it's obviously offensive and likely to hurt other people. You just blame it all on the person they're being insensitive to.
    Pretty much.

    (Original post by FormerlyHistoryStudent)
    Do you not see any value in tact or diplomacy?
    In some situations.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Basically he said "you're not very good at sex are you" and when I got upset, he saidhe meant I was bad because I haven't orgasmed from having sex yet (how does that mean I'm bad? Some girls don't get off from sex right?)

    Then LATER, he said that it was boring. I got upset again and he says we only do "boring positions". We've only been having sex for a month, and I was a virgin until then, I'm still getting used to it.....

    I feel really un-confident now and refused to have sex with him later on when he tried, then he said I was "taking it too seriously and being too sensitive", and that it was "only a joke."

    Meh Am I being too sensitive? What would you do???

    He does have a rather horribly phrased point. Despite misconception it's not his job to make you orgasm, and it probably gets him down if you don't. As a few of my gfs have done, get a banana or dildo or something phallic thats the samish size as your bfs member and have a go with it - this'll show you whether you can orgasm from penetrative sex and then you can take back the skills you've found into the bedroom and show him how.

    If not, try different positions and get him to play with your clit while you have sex. Variety is the spice of life, and it shouldn't make much of an emotional difference to do it in a different position. If not encourage him to give you oral and do things like that.

    I wouldn't dump him unless you've done all of the above.
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    (Original post by StressReliever)
    F*ck him....excuse the pun lol. But really, sod him if he's going to be like that. He's just sulking because you didn't *** and thinks that reflects badly on him. Hence he attempts to make himself feel better by placing the blame on you.
    ^This.
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    What a ****!
    I'm sure you can do far better than that insensitive fool.
    Say goodbye to him.
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    i'd tell him where to go!! if you've only been having sex for a month why should you be good and why should you want to try everything under the sun!! it can take a while to become comfortable with it!! and no, not every girl orgasms in sex, 80% don't so many fake it!! what does he want from you?! to scream and shout for no reason like people in porn, cos that's just unrealistic

    you can do better and i would say you were right to be upset!! give him a slap and send him on his way cos he obviously doesn't care a reet lot!!
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    (Original post by tinywings)
    Surely you not orgasming means he's the one who's bad at sex? Maybe you should tell him that. Or tell him where to go. Preferably both.
    this :yep:
    PLUS u can do much better
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    (Original post by cttp_ngaf)
    I'd sure be disappointed to hear it, and I'd ask her for further explanation and try to find out what I can do better. That's the grown-up approach. Emotionally I'd be largely unmoved by it, like if my boss told me my work was **** or someone said my food wasn't very nice. If I gave a **** about my performance at that thing, then I'd try to improve it, if I didn't, I probably wouldn't.



    LOL, what? Give me an example, actually - like what someone might actually say to insult those things? If we're talking about generic insults like "Your parents are ******* gay" or "OMFG you like totally **** music" then I can not express how little I would care. They're meaningless statements said for the sole purpose of evoking a negative emotional response. Anyone who is upset by such things, I blame them entirely.

    Or, if you mean calmer criticisms like, I don't know, "You only have really cheap clothes, eh?" or "Your parents don't earn very much for their age." then, again, instead of melting into a whimpering heap of cry-cry, why not just think about what was said and if it's true? I'll use those to demonstrate:

    1
    "You only have really cheap clothes, eh?"

    "Erm, yea I suppose so - I got this from a charity shop and most things are like from years ago at TK Max or something. I'm not very bothered about expensive brands and stuff."

    or, if it's not true.

    (best to be modest) "Hmm, what makes you say that?"
    Or if you like just go ahead and show them some shop receipts.

    The thing is, what people say about/to you can either be right, in which case why would you get upset; wrong, in which case why would you get upset; or just a meaningless insult intended to upset you, in which case why would you get upset?
    Ah, but I'm not talking about cheap immature insults like 'OMG your dress sense is so gay', I'm talking about ones which are very cruel and thought through. For example, what if she said straight out 'your mother is selfish and demanding', or what if she ripped to shreds your ability at something which you had always prided yourself on being especially good at?

    Actually, tbh I think I know already what you're going to say in reply :p: 'I wouldn't take any notice because I have enough confidence in my abilities not to get upset if she said i was ****', 'if my mother was like that then I wouldn't be bothered, and if she wasn't then the comments reflect worse on my GF than on my mother anyway'. Tbh if my BF said either of those to me then I'd be pissed off rather than upset, (in that I'd be annoyed, but I wouldn't be crying), and you're clearly a lot more thick-skinned than average so you wouldn't be affected badly at all, but I just don't think it's fair for you to condemn the OP as pathetic for reacting badly to comments which, if true, would be a major slap in the face for someone who was only a beginner still in the first place. A heck of a lot of people, both male and female, don't react well if they're told they're bad in bed.

    Do you not see that most people are a lot more likely to respond well to criticism if it's constructive and done in a way which takes into account how much they've been trying/been doing it for/what things they are doing right? You can't treat everybody in the same way; you have to be able to read people in these situations. I remember being told all about this sort of thing when I was training to be an assistant manager, and it's useful to know in many personal situations as well. From the sounds of it, you seem to be able to take even the most direct and devastating criticism, even if it's actually pretty insulting, without turning a hair; others might not be bothered if it was about one thing but would be offended/upset if it were another (for example, someone might be absolutely fine if someone else criticised their driving ability, but would be very offended if they rubbished their ability in bed.) So I think that the OP's BF should have been a bit more tactful about the bedroom issues, and tried to liven things up by encouraging her to try new things in a nice way, rather than just complaining and criticising. Yes, there's a chance that the OP made up what words he used, but I think it's fair to say that if he had been constructive and encouraging about the issue, she wouldn't have had a problem or posted about it on TSR. Very few people actually do have issues with criticism so long as it's done in the right way.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Basically he said "you're not very good at sex are you" and when I got upset, he saidhe meant I was bad because I haven't orgasmed from having sex yet (how does that mean I'm bad? Some girls don't get off from sex right?)

    Then LATER, he said that it was boring. I got upset again and he says we only do "boring positions". We've only been having sex for a month, and I was a virgin until then, I'm still getting used to it.....

    I feel really un-confident now and refused to have sex with him later on when he tried, then he said I was "taking it too seriously and being too sensitive", and that it was "only a joke."

    Meh Am I being too sensitive? What would you do???

    The up-side is that at least your boyfriend has decided to communicate with you, which is important in any relationship. From his point of view, if the sex is boring him then it's boring him. Moreover, a lot of guys feel insecure when their girlfriends don't orgasm during sex (especially because a lot of them are really ignorant about it and don't realise that it's not always possible). He was probably mean to you because he was feeling insecure himself.

    BUT. And it's a huge 'but'...

    - The way he spoke to you was insensitive and you have every right to feel hurt. If you want your partner to get better at something you have to encourage them with ideas and suggestions, not undermine their confidence.

    - Since you've not been having sex for very long, he should have been far more understanding and patient with you by the sound of it.

    - Your boyfriend clearly knows very little about sex. He seems to expect you to know everything already (when if he's more experienced than you, it should actually be his job to help 'teach' you). He also obviously doesn't understand how female orgasms work.

    My advice is to have a talk with him, explaining that you want him to enjoy sex and that you would appreciate him giving you ideas for new things to try that will make it better. BUT insist that you try new things at your own pace, never doing anything that you don't want to before you are ready.

    Also explain to him that if you are not having orgasms, that is his fault just as much as yours, and that it's something you need to work on together. Then why not give him some suggestions of your own of how he could help make sex better for you too? (That way you're giving him positive, supportive feedback, rather than just telling him that sex with him is s***. You're treating him the way you want him to treat you, and hopefully he will do the same).

    If your boyfriend doesn't buck up and start boosting your confidence instead of undermining it, you should probably dump him. You deserve to be treated with more respect and if he doesn't care about his feelings he can f*** right off and have a w**k instead of coming to you for sex, quite frankly.
 
 
 
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