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    I'm not entirely sure how to phrase this in a competent manner or really how to express how I feel properly. Essentially, it all boils down to feeling indequate and lonely, inferior and useless.

    I'm 20, I've never had a girlfriend, I've never had sex, I've never slept in the same bed as a girl or had a close relationship with a girl. I've kissed girls on nights out but have never gotten further than this and all but one experience has been at gigs rather than clubs, I don't know how to approach girls in a club situation at all.

    I don't just have problems approaching girls, I'm pretty much bordering on having social anxiety disorder, I feel incredible discomfort meeting new people and generally try to avoid that situation all together, I constantly feel like people are judging me and constantly feel inadequate and pessimistic, assuming people will think I'm boring and hopeless before they get to know me. Don't get me wrong, I want to meet people but I just don't know how to make a good impression and even after I know people for quite a while, unless I feel absolutely 100% comfortable with them, I still will hold back and I know people can't be bothered with people like me. So generally, I end up making awkward conversation with regards to the weather/university/other boring subjects. I don't think I'm a particularly unlikeable person but I'm not the kind of person anyone ever cares about seeing again. I'm that guy that people think 'Oh yeah, he's alright but I won't miss him'. I don't know how to form any connections with people because I'm so scared of expressing my feelings. I never hug people or tell them how much I like them, I never make it clear how much I appreciate people because I'm so scared they don't feel the same way. So people rarely stay in contact with me, maybe they really don't like me but maybe it's also because they think I don't like them? I really don't know, they probably don't actually like me in the first place.

    I don't know how to flirt with girls or even just how to talk to them normally, I get flustered and incredibly scared, ending up just wanting the conversation to end and thus normally end up looking for excuses to excuse myself and sit in my room. We frequently have people over in our house but normally, I end up just saying Hi and then sitting in my room for the rest of the evening, too scared to go in and actually try and socialise. In fact the only time I'll stick around and socialise when other people are over is when I'm drinking.

    I have pretty much zero self-confidence, I procrastinate and put things off, I don't tell other people that I can do things for them, for fear of not being able to do things to their satisfactions, I constantly sell myself short and try to lower expectations so other people won't be dissappointed with me. I think I'm boring and useless, I don't have many hobbies and I'm not very active, I sleep for 12 hours a day and still find it hard to get out of bed unless I have a proper reason to get out of bed for (I'm going into my 2nd year of univeristy, doing a very hard course which I think I'll fail) and even when I do manage to get up, I still feel tired and worn out.

    I'm really not happy all, I've gone to the GP after reading about S.A.D on the internet and while the GP said I should go to a councellor and she gave me some pills for anxiety, I worry though that I'm just over exaggerating and thus am too scared to go to the councellor. I mean, for the most part I can handle social situations. People who have social anxiety disorder, tend to end up skipping classes, completely avoiding social contact etc etc etc whereas I merely feel discomfort in dealing with them. There are certain situations which I will try my best to avoid, such as being alone with people I don't know, being in groups (sober) with people I don't know, being alone with a person I don't feel 100% comfortable with, going on dates (Which actually causes panic attacks) but if I'm forced into these situations I can generally deal with them, barring dates, it doesn't resort to panic attacks and I actively sick people I feel comfortable with to go on nights out with to clubs etc although, if I go out, I always get drunk. In general, there is a long list of specific social situations in which I will feel incredibly awkward but I don't seem to feel so much discomfort as to resort in a panic attack, I'll try to make excuses to get away from the situation but I don't seem to experience the level of discomfort associated with anxiety disorders.

    I'd say I probably am depressed, I used to cut myself due to feeling quite depressed, primarily due to self-loathing and a complete inability to approach women. I rarely feel happy with life and primarily view it as a pointless exercise. I find it hard to see the good things in life. Most people would say friends, love and hobbies but I don't have any friends that I feel really close to and I never have, I always feel like I like them more than me and that if I didn't stay in contact with them, they wouldn't stay in contact with me. I don't know if this is a distorted view or not but it's how I feel. With regards to love, again, that's pretty much non-existant, any girl I've ever liked hasn't liked me or it hasn't worked out and for the reasons that I've previously stated it's very hard for me to get close to a girl. I don't have many hobbies, university takes up a lot of time, as does general house chores (cleaning, cooking etc) and I like computers, which isn't exactly a social hobby after that I spend a lot of time just wasting time, which seems circular to the depression since I can't motivate myself. So I find it hard to actually make time for anything else.

    I know this thread is really long, I'm not expecting much in the way of useful replies, some advice of what to do would be nice but if anything I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts (and by no means is this all of them! It would be even more depressing if I could sum up all my problems in one thread! I think this gives a bit of an insight though)
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    Advice?
    Get a hobby where you can meet people, like warhammer, gaming, football etc.
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    You sound quite a bit like me as of late, since I just moved to another country where I don't even speak their native language. Though I'm not as bothered by it as you are.

    Just get out more and do things where people HAVE to interact with you (sports?) so you'll learn.

    Idk about letting people in, though, I have that too. I was on anxiety meds for a while, which really helped, but idk how the whole drug system works here and can't be arsed to figure it out >_>
    Go for the pills if you think they'll help, you clearly have an anxiety issue, even if it isn't impossibly severe.
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    i think u should go holiday for a while.

    cheers
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    #2

    I was just like you dude, so I know how it feels,

    Basically to get myself out of the rut, I had to force myself to make friends.

    Guy friends, basically if you in to sports like football go to the park and if you see people play football ask to play, they wont refuse, people are always looking for people to play.

    I done this yesterday, people from different halls were playing football on their own, I went to like 5 groups people asking them to join so we can all play together in a match, everyone agreed and we got to talking and friendships were made

    as far as girls,start of by being friends with girls,girls from work or girls who are your flatmates,I really mean friends,dont fantasize about having sex with them, even if they offer you sex refuse,

    when you have female friends,you practise on how to talk to girls and be comfortable around girls,then when you are comfortable you are ready to look for girls to date.
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    Omg, thats how I FEEL about myself!

    High five! Except you're the guy version of me. Yayayayay.
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    Learn to play the guitar. Or basketball and join a team.
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    You'd fit perfectly into the mmorpg community.
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    (Original post by asdfg0987)
    Learn to play the guitar. Or basketball and join a team.
    I already know how to play, I'm so mediocre at it though, despite having been playing for nearly 5 years.

    Thank you for the replies and sorry for wasting quite a bit of your time with such a long post. I should mention, I really am not a sporty person, I'm not fat (quite skinny) but I'm very unfit and am just generally really terrible at sports, I was always next to last to be picked for any team. I don't mind racket games too much, such as ping pong, badminton and tennis, since I can do those by myself but I dunno...Actually getting myself to join a society and do it seems incredibly daunting and I don't want to embarrass myself...

    The medication doesn't really seem to help that much to be honest, one of the major problems with the anxiety when I get it really bad (such as moving into halls for the first time, going on dates, first time going to lectures etc) is that I start to feel very nauseous to the point where I will actually have to run to the bathroom and either throw up or try to make myself sick to try and avoid actually being sick in a place where there isn't a toilet nearby. Of course this is incredibly embarrassing and just adds to the anxiety because then I start to worry that I'm going to be sick and that just makes me feel even worse...
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    #1

    Bump, some more advice/suggestions/ideas would be nice, thanks
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    You don't want to be meeting girls at clubs. You want to meet them in a situation where you can talk to them and get to know them. A drunken encounter very rarely materialises into anything worthwhile. Join clubs and try meet people with similar interests. I met my girlfriend at a party and spent the whole night chatting to her and just hit it off and I was a late starter myself like you.

    Just hang in there and you'll meet a girl who likes you for who you are and you'll feel comfortable around. You have to make sure you look in the right places though.

    If an average looking guy like me can manage it (see profile pic), I'm sure you can too.
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    What are you expecting people to say that you don't already know?
    There's the obvious advice of just trying to talk to people and trying to relax, but let's be honest, you're just making excuses for being the way you are. Which is pretty typical for pathetic people. Man up and do something about it instead of posting on the forums all day wondering where it all went wrong.
    • #3
    #3

    I feel the same in many respects but that is despite having played sports in teams all my life. These are the only times I am truly happy but its ultimately unfulfilling because no one has the same time for me in more conventional social situations.

    Sport is a good release and can take your mind off the social problems in my experience but would not be the solution. The problem is more fundamental and you can't exactly carry a football around with you wherever you go for example - you have to be comfortable with yourself.
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    (Original post by Davezk)
    You don't want to be meeting girls at clubs. You want to meet them in a situation where you can talk to them and get to know them. A drunken encounter very rarely materialises into anything worthwhile. Join clubs and try meet people with similar interests. I met my girlfriend at a party and spent the whole night chatting to her and just hit it off and I was a late starter myself like you.

    Just hang in there and you'll meet a girl who likes you for who you are and you'll feel comfortable around. You have to make sure you look in the right places though.

    If an average looking guy like me can manage it (see profile pic), I'm sure you can too.
    Mm, maybe you're right and I just need to find someone who I can really talk to but it hasn't happened in the past 10 years so forgive me for being so pessimistic about it happening in the near future. I just find it so hard to believe someone will like me for who I am, why would a girl like someone who is so pessimistic and boring, so uninteresting and anxious when they can go out and find someone amazing.

    (Original post by piszczel)
    What are you expecting people to say that you don't already know?
    There's the obvious advice of just trying to talk to people and trying to relax, but let's be honest, you're just making excuses for being the way you are. Which is pretty typical for pathetic people. Man up and do something about it instead of posting on the forums all day wondering where it all went wrong.
    I dunno...I probably am just making up excuses, maybe I should just accept that I'm ****? I'm not sure what sort of replies I'm looking for, it was a combination of just wanting to write down how I feel and also vaguely hoping someone would come along and just say the right thing. What that is, I don't know and will they say it, most certainly not but it was a small hope.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I was just like you dude, so I know how it feels,

    Basically to get myself out of the rut, I had to force myself to make friends.

    Guy friends, basically if you in to sports like football go to the park and if you see people play football ask to play, they wont refuse, people are always looking for people to play.

    I done this yesterday, people from different halls were playing football on their own, I went to like 5 groups people asking them to join so we can all play together in a match, everyone agreed and we got to talking and friendships were made

    as far as girls,start of by being friends with girls,girls from work or girls who are your flatmates,I really mean friends,dont fantasize about having sex with them, even if they offer you sex refuse,

    when you have female friends,you practise on how to talk to girls and be comfortable around girls,then when you are comfortable you are ready to look for girls to date.
    There's really no way I'd be able to approach strangers and ask to join in, it's really the worst thing I can imagine. I'm really far, far too shy and social anxious to do that, it's the sort of situation I would tend to avoid rather than plunge myself into. I know it's the sort of thing I should be doing but I really just wouldn't be able to make myself do it.

    The problem is, it's just so hard to actually get started with learning how to talk and be around people and women. I can't approach strangers at all so I never actually meet that many new people to even talk to and then after that, I'm just far too scared of embarrassing myself to even get started...I'm really pretty hopeless...

    I might try and join a society this year though and play ping pong but I don't think that will help to be honest, a lot of players tend to be guys and even then, I'd find it hard to actually talk to them, I can imagine just going, playing, maybe talking a bit before/after playing and then just going home and not actually making any friends.
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    Ugh so depressing reading that, it sounds EXACTLY like me, I get advice from counsellors etc to get out there and make friends too, but the problem is, I just don't like 99% of people i meet, there's never a connection, its very rare that i meet someone like minded that i can connect with, and i only like to have friends that I can be close with which i currently only have 1 and he lives about 50 miles away and he never wants to go out anyway . I've never had a job, relationship, dont have a driving license even, just failed first year of uni, no 'out there' hobbies, I just feel so ******* useless.

    I crave physical touch & intimacy too which i never get, drives me crazy. The bit where you can't express your emotions to people aswell, wanting to hug them/generally be more outgoing towards people - spot on with me too, i just CANT no matter what tactics/different mindsets i try!!! :mad:

    I've tried so much, but i keep feeling like im taking steps back, yesterday i went on a night out (my friend who lives 50 miles away had to organise people for me to go with LOL :p: ) and i can never think of anything to say to people, i was even wasted on alcohol too and couldn't think of a ******* thing to say or be like everyone else and just be outgoing. I've got to the point where I'm quite depressed about it all now that i don't give a **** anymore - which has killed off a lot of the anxiety, but the problem with not being able to converse with people still remains. I can talk to people and keep their attention drawn for hours & hours to people online, but my conversations will last 10 seconds if i'm lucky in real life.

    I really have no idea what the problem is, anxiety, pessimism ( i used to be very optimistic until i came uni so i doubt ), or even me being a twin, which leads me to ask... Are you a twin by any chance aswell? I can't help but think me & my twin being in the same class every year at school since we were toddlers was a good idea, we only ever spoke to eachother and never mingled with the other kids.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I already know how to play, I'm so mediocre at it though, despite having been playing for nearly 5 years.

    Thank you for the replies and sorry for wasting quite a bit of your time with such a long post. I should mention, I really am not a sporty person, I'm not fat (quite skinny) but I'm very unfit and am just generally really terrible at sports, I was always next to last to be picked for any team. I don't mind racket games too much, such as ping pong, badminton and tennis, since I can do those by myself but I dunno...Actually getting myself to join a society and do it seems incredibly daunting and I don't want to embarrass myself...

    The medication doesn't really seem to help that much to be honest, one of the major problems with the anxiety when I get it really bad (such as moving into halls for the first time, going on dates, first time going to lectures etc) is that I start to feel very nauseous to the point where I will actually have to run to the bathroom and either throw up or try to make myself sick to try and avoid actually being sick in a place where there isn't a toilet nearby. Of course this is incredibly embarrassing and just adds to the anxiety because then I start to worry that I'm going to be sick and that just makes me feel even worse...
    Well you need to be motivated to learn. Anyway you won't embarass yourself if you join a society. Many people will be in the same position as you and it will help your social anxiety imo. These are people you'll never meet again most likely so what's the point in not giving it a shot? The problem won't be solved by taking medications (But I'm no expert :/) and the only way I see how to get over the social anxiety is to tackle the problem head on, and the first step towards doing that is getting out of your comfort zone.
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    (Original post by Lewk)
    Ugh so depressing reading that, it sounds EXACTLY like me, I get advice from counsellors etc to get out there and make friends too, but the problem is, I just don't like 99% of people i meet, there's never a connection, its very rare that i meet someone like minded that i can connect with, and i only like to have friends that I can be close with which i currently only have 1 and he lives about 50 miles away and he never wants to go out anyway . I've never had a job, relationship, dont have a driving license even, just failed first year of uni, no 'out there' hobbies, I just feel so ******* useless.

    I crave physical touch & intimacy too which i never get, drives me crazy. The bit where you can't express your emotions to people aswell, wanting to hug them/generally be more outgoing towards people - spot on with me too, i just CANT no matter what tactics/different mindsets i try!!! :mad:

    I've tried so much, but i keep feeling like im taking steps back, yesterday i went on a night out (my friend who lives 50 miles away had to organise people for me to go with LOL :p: ) and i can never think of anything to say to people, i was even wasted on alcohol too and couldn't think of a ******* thing to say or be like everyone else and just be outgoing. I've got to the point where I'm quite depressed about it all now that i don't give a **** anymore - which has killed off a lot of the anxiety, but the problem with not being able to converse with people still remains. I can talk to people and keep their attention drawn for hours & hours to people online, but my conversations will last 10 seconds if i'm lucky in real life.

    I really have no idea what the problem is, anxiety, pessimism ( i used to be very optimistic until i came uni so i doubt ), or even me being a twin, which leads me to ask... Are you a twin by any chance aswell? I can't help but think me & my twin being in the same class every year at school since we were toddlers was a good idea, we only ever spoke to eachother and never mingled with the other kids.
    No I'm not a twin. I'm the same with regards to talking online as well, I can do that okay but when it comes to talking in real life I just can't think of anything and unless I'm talking to a friend all I can think about is trying to get out of the situation. I'm not so bad when I'm drunk because I'm not really in any state to care and just kind of say whatever, although even then I won't actually approach anyone and I don't think anyone wants to converse with a very drunk person for any length of time, not to mention that it's never anything meaningful and is forgotten the next day.
 
 
 
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