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46 year AGE GAP! Married man/Affair watch

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    I don't really know why I'm posting this; no one can change the way I feel. I guess I'm just hoping for a bit of friendly advice or something. I got involved with a married man, 40 years older than myself; I've fallen deeply in love with him. If I'm honest, I really did love him from the minute we met but my feelings are now so intense that the whole relationship is consuming me. I started college 2 weeks ago but I can't focus in any of my lessons; this man, 'B', is on my mind all day, every day and I just can't cope with it anymore.

    He's my sister's boyfriend's boss and neither of them approve of our relationship, nor does anyone else in my family for that matter. There are no men about in my immediate family. I've never had contact with my dad, and the rest of the men are mostly dead so there's no one there looking out for me or whatever. My mum doesn't like me being involved with 'B' but she says that my happiness is the most important thing, so if he makes me happy she'll accept it. He does make me happy sometimes. In between the arguments, the lies, the lonely nights and other such things that annoy me, 'B' can be the perfect man.

    I know I should be running as far from him as possible, but it's impossible. Whenever we're apart I feel down. He's the only person that can make me happy, and when we spend time together I feel at peace with myself/the world etc. I just don't know what to do. I try to justify it sometimes but I know deep down that it isn't right. His wife would probably be devastated if she knew the truth. But I love him more than I ever thought it were possible to love anyone. I'm far too weak to walk away, and besides how can I give up someone who can make me so happy. I just wish we were together properly. Am I selfish? I don't know. Probably! But am I not entitled to feel happy.

    Since we got together, our relationship has been plagued by fiery rows, and fights. He gets insecure, mainly because of his age, and tries to put me down to make himself feel better. I don't know why he does it. I love him so much, I never even look at other men. We once went 3 days without seeing each other just because we were both too stubborn to make contact. It's like there are always games being played, games I can never win. All I want is to be with him like any other conventional couple but I know it will never be. He'll never leave his wife. Why the **** did he have to involve me in this mess? My heart is being broken more and more every day. I just want to fall to sleep and never wake up again. The pain of it all is making my life hell.

    I've wanted to join the army since I was very young but even that dream doesn't inspire me much anymore. I just want him. I love him so much. We see each other a fair amount as well so it makes it hard to accept not getting that all important commitment from him. We stood at the edge of a roof 6 floors up a few weeks back, and I don't know how I stopped myself from jumping. I just don't want to live if I can't have him. I see him everyday but the nights are so hard. We've only spent a few full nights together during the course of our relationship. They've been the most amazing nights of my entire life but they never last long enough. I want to cuddle up to him every night, be with the man I love whenever I need him there. I'm not sensationalising this whole affair; I honestly would rather die than live without him. Nothing/no one else makes me happy anymore. Everything depends on him.

    He's helped me so much. That's not to say my life is running smoothly now, it's far from easy. It's horrendous to be honest. The age gap makes things even harder. Because nobody approves, I find myself with not one person who I can really confide in about this. I just can't cope witht the pain anymore. I'm self-harming badly again; something I promised to never turn back to.

    For a while, we were both drinking heavily. We spent most of this summer visiting pubs together and just chilling out drinking. I gave up the drink entirely though and haven't touched a drop the past 6-8 weeks. It just seems like I swap one bad habit for another. I had anorexia for a few years, which later developed in to bulimia. I still have problems with bulimia today and this relationship isn't helping. I just long for stability.

    How can I change things. I've tried to end it on so many occasions but we just end up fighting and he gets violent. Last week he held a stanley knife to my neck and threatened to kill me. I know he only does these things when he's drunk or feeling insecure but it still hurts me. I love him so much. I just can't go on like this anymore. It's not fair on anyone. I feel so bad. I just feel worthless, used and good for nothing. Would he even bother to chase me if I walked away? I really don't know anymore.
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    (Original post by char-a-c)
    I try to justify it sometimes but I know deep down that it isn't right. His wife would probably be devastated if she knew the truth.

    Since we got together, our relationship has been plagued by fiery rows, and fights. He gets insecure, mainly because of his age, and tries to put me down to make himself feel better.
    We once went 3 days without seeing each other just because we were both too stubborn to make contact. It's like there are always games being played, games I can never win. All I want is to be with him like any other conventional couple but I know it will never be. He'll never leave his wife. Why the **** did he have to involve me in this mess? My heart is being broken more and more every day. I just want to fall to sleep and never wake up again. The pain of it all is making my life hell.


    In the first few months of our relationship, we were both drinking heavily.

    How can I change things. I've tried to end it on so many occasions but we just end up fighting and he gets violent. Last week he held a stanley knife to my neck and threatened to kill me.
    you love him unbelievably so, you rely on him and feel like there's noone else who makes you feel happy, secure, at peace.
    even if you don't think so, there'll always be someone to talk to- be it strangers on the internet, family members, next door neighbours.
    even if you get rid of the fact that there's this enormous age gap and that he's having this affair with you which, if his wife found out, would ruin her aswell, it's destructive.
    the bit that really got to me was where you said about him threatening to kill you. yes, i may not know you, but you should get out of this relationship. for your own sake.
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    Would he even bother to chase me if I walked away?
    Would you let him catch you?
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    if he threatened to kill you, why on earth are you still thinking about him? Get out!
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    Ring Jeremy Kyle.
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    wowsa..somebody got daddy issues

    seriously
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    (Original post by char-a-c)
    I don't really know why I'm posting this; no one can change the way I feel. I guess I'm just hoping for a bit of friendly advice or something. I got involved with a married man, 40 years older than myself, earlier this year and over the past months I've fallen deeply in love with him. If I'm honest, I really did love him from the minute we met but my feelings are now so intense that the whole relationship is consuming me. I started college 2 weeks ago but I can't focus in any of my lessons; this man, 'B', is on my mind all day, every day and I just can't cope with it anymore.

    He's my sister's boyfriend's boss and neither of them approve of our relationship, nor does anyone else in my family for that matter. There are no men about in my immediate family. I've never had contact with my dad, and the rest of the men are mostly dead so there's no one there looking out for me or whatever. My mum doesn't like me being involved with 'B' but she says that my happiness is the most important thing, so if he makes me happy she'll accept it. He does make me happy sometimes. In between the arguments, the lies, the lonely nights and other such things that annoy me, 'B' can be the perfect man.

    I know I should be running as far from him as possible, but it's impossible. Whenever we're apart I feel down. He's the only person that can make me happy, and when we spend time together I feel at peace with myself/the world etc. I just don't know what to do. I try to justify it sometimes but I know deep down that it isn't right. His wife would probably be devastated if she knew the truth. But I love him more than I ever thought it were possible to love anyone. I'm far too weak to walk away, and besides how can I give up someone who can make me so happy. I just wish we were together properly. Am I selfish? I don't know. Probably! But am I not entitled to feel happy.

    Since we got together, our relationship has been plagued by fiery rows, and fights. He gets insecure, mainly because of his age, and tries to put me down to make himself feel better. I don't know why he does it. I love him so much, I never even look at other men. We once went 3 days without seeing each other just because we were both too stubborn to make contact. It's like there are always games being played, games I can never win. All I want is to be with him like any other conventional couple but I know it will never be. He'll never leave his wife. Why the **** did he have to involve me in this mess? My heart is being broken more and more every day. I just want to fall to sleep and never wake up again. The pain of it all is making my life hell.

    I've wanted to join the army since I was very young but even that dream doesn't inspire me much anymore. I just want him. I love him so much. We see each other a fair amount as well so it makes it hard to accept not getting that all important commitment from him. We stood at the edge of a roof 6 floors up a few weeks back, and I don't know how I stopped myself from jumping. I just don't want to live if I can't have him. I see him everyday but the nights are so hard. We've only spent a few full nights together during the course of our relationship. They've been the most amazing nights of my entire life but they never last long enough. I want to cuddle up to him every night, be with the man I love whenever I need him there. I'm not sensationalising this whole affair; I honestly would rather die than live without him. Nothing/no one else makes me happy anymore. Everything depends on him.

    He's helped me so much. I'd lost all my confidence before I met him and slowly but surely, he's helped me rebuild my life. That's not to say my life is running smoothly now, it's far from easy. It's horrendous to be honest. But at least now I hold my head up and walk with a bit of pride. The age gap makes things even harder. Because nobody approves, I find myself with not one person who I can really confide in about this. I just can't cope witht the pain anymore. I'm self-harming badly again; something I promised to never turn back to.

    In the first few months of our relationship, we were both drinking heavily. We spent most of the summer visiting pubs together and just chilling out drinking. I gave up the drink entirely though and haven't touched a drop the past 6-8 weeks. It just seems like I swap one bad habit for another. I had anorexia for a few years, which later developed in to bulimia. I still have problems with bulimia today and this relationship isn't helping. I just long for stability.

    How can I change things. I've tried to end it on so many occasions but we just end up fighting and he gets violent. Last week he held a stanley knife to my neck and threatened to kill me. I know he only does these things when he's drunk or feeling insecure but it still hurts me. I love him so much. I just can't go on like this anymore. It's not fair on anyone. I feel so bad. I just feel worthless, used and good for nothing. Would he even bother to chase me if I walked away? I really don't know anymore.

    you sound a bit needy. and a bit soft in the head. see a psychiatrist.
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    (Original post by KayleeLand)
    Ring Jeremy Kyle.
    This
    (Original post by poplolly)
    wowsa..somebody got daddy issues

    seriously
    Definitely this
    (Original post by Remarqable M)
    if he threatened to kill you, why on earth are you still thinking about him? Get out!
    Most importantly this.

    He must think he struck gold with you.

    This relationship is so destructive that I honestly would not be surprised to see you on the news soon after something bad has happened. Clearly you are not happy because you have eating disorders and other issues so your mum's stance on "as long as she's happy" does not stand any more and she is well within her rights to drag your ass out of that man's life for your own sake.

    So so so dangerous I can't put it into words.
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    You've got serious issues. I'm not surprised that you've had problems at home. I think that you should get some professional help. Your issues are far deeper than this one man.
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    okay... despite how you feel, or think you feel about him, from your post there seems several reasons why you should stop this altogether..
    1. it seems like what you are looking for is an older male or father figure, while this can definitely seem attractive it is not the best foundation for a serious relationship

    2. you have said that your relationship involves rows, lies, heavy drinking and other destructive behaviour. Im no expert, but if you are someone who is naturally drawn to that sort of addictive/destructive behaviour (as shown by the eating disorders/self harm) then this is surely the last thing you need

    3. please, please, PLEASE don't forget that he is married. if he will never leave his wife then it is clear that he isn't willing to completely commit to you, and you will always just be having a covert affair. Also speaking as someone who's father did a similar thing to what this man is doing (ie. had a affair with a much younger woman) I can tell you that the effect on the family is totally devestating. it his definitely his responsibility to consider that, however, you do seriously have to ask yourself if you could live with causing that much pain to another person too.

    4. you say that you are starting college soon and also that your family disagree with this relationship. i am also worried therefore that it could start to negatively impact on other areas of your life, such as your family life and education

    5. he threatened to KILL you?! enough said.

    all this is only my opinion, and others may disagree. I know how it feels to have feelings for someone who is completely inappropriate for you, but if I were you I would try and end this before you get hurt, despite how you feel.
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    I feel a bit sick after reading that.

    Get out now, call the police, and cut him completely out of your life. There ARE men out there who won't put you down, or hold a knife to your throat, or take advantage of someone's emotions when they should know better.
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    Man up and dump him. Why are you asking us when you already know the answer?
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    You have daddy issues.

    You are not in love with him.
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    This probably isn't what you want to hear, but this relationship is distructive for you. It seems that if he will not leave his wife for you, and your relationship is presumably behind her back, it's only going to end in tears.

    He shouldn't be violent to you under any circumstances, despite the alcohol. And you should let him know the boundries and stand up for yourself. And I know age is only a number in many circumstances, and I generally agree. One might slightly question the motivation of him if he already has a family. He may be using you as an escape

    My advice would be to just try your best to forget him. Delete his number and email and anything else. Your reliance to him is so strong that the only way to get through it is too break it. Initially it will kill, weeks of crying, perhaps months, comfort eating like crazy.. or maybe not even that extreme. But surely that would be better than the prolonged agony that you're going through at the moment.

    If you decide to continue, then communicate with him. But I say leave while you still can. You can do much better than him!
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    Only read the first few paragraphs...

    To put it bluntly, it sounds to me like you have daddy issues. You look to this older man for security and comfort...
    As I was reading, I was waiting to get to the part about your father because I was expecting the absence of a father figure, which I found. Maybe you should take a second and re-evaluate your relationship, and why you feel you need him so badly. If you can confront and reconcile your own feelings about not having a father figure then maybe you can let go of "B".
    Just an opinion.
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    (Original post by AmiiRainbow)
    you love him unbelievably so, you rely on him and feel like there's noone else who makes you feel happy, secure, at peace.
    even if you don't think so, there'll always be someone to talk to- be it strangers on the internet, family members, next door neighbours.
    even if you get rid of the fact that there's this enormous age gap and that he's having this affair with you which, if his wife found out, would ruin her aswell, it's destructive.
    the bit that really got to me was where you said about him threatening to kill you. yes, i may not know you, but you should get out of this relationship. for your own sake.

    I know I rely on him far too much. I spoke to him about it at one point, said I wanted to reduce my dependancy on him but his reply was 'I love it that you rely on me, that's the way it should be'. It's so confusing. He's helped me out a lot. He has a way of motivating me to get on and do the things I need/want to do but then if we have a disagreement he'll pull away completely, leaving me with no one to turn to and no motivation to do anything.
    I know you're right when you say there is always someone to talk to. It's just sometimes I feel so alone with it all. I guess that's why I made this thread; I just want advice from people who aren't at all involved in this situation.
    The thing is, I don't think he would act out his threats, well not the serious ones anyway. He's got a wife, children, and grandchildren. The way I see it, if he won't leave them for me now, he surely wouldn't risk going to prison or whatever because that way he'd lose his family anyway. When he does hit me, I know he regrets it. I really do believe he loves me. That probably sounds naive but I don't know why he'd do everything he does for me if not out of love. He tells me he loves me all the time. He says he doesn't love his wife, and I know they sleep in separate rooms; I've been to his house and seen this with my own eyes. He says he couldn't leave her because a) he put their house in her name and b) his children would take her side and he'd be losing everything. It annoys me though. Why do men get involved with other women if they're never going to leave their current partners. It just seems so selfish.
    I know a lot of 'other women' hate the wives/families of their married men but I could never hate his wife. From what I've picked up, he pretty much ruined her life. She got pregnant at 18 and lost her whole family, effectively ending up imprisoned by him over the years, not really getting anything back from him. I think she's done well to raise her family but I can't help wanting to be with him. I love him so much, he's everything I'll ever want.
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    (Original post by char-a-c)
    I know I rely on him far too much. I spoke to him about it at one point, said I wanted to reduce my dependancy on him but his reply was 'I love it that you rely on me, that's the way it should be'. It's so confusing. He's helped me out a lot. He has a way of motivating me to get on and do the things I need/want to do but then if we have a disagreement he'll pull away completely, leaving me with no one to turn to and no motivation to do anything.
    I know you're right when you say there is always someone to talk to. It's just sometimes I feel so alone with it all. I guess that's why I made this thread; I just want advice from people who aren't at all involved in this situation.
    The thing is, I don't think he would act out his threats, well not the serious ones anyway. He's got a wife, children, and grandchildren. The way I see it, if he won't leave them for me now, he surely wouldn't risk going to prison or whatever because that way he'd lose his family anyway. When he does hit me, I know he regrets it. I really do believe he loves me. That probably sounds naive but I don't know why he'd do everything he does for me if not out of love. He tells me he loves me all the time. He says he doesn't love his wife, and I know they sleep in separate rooms; I've been to his house and seen this with my own eyes. He says he couldn't leave her because a) he put their house in her name and b) his children would take her side and he'd be losing everything. It annoys me though. Why do men get involved with other women if they're never going to leave their current partners. It just seems so selfish.
    I know a lot of 'other women' hate the wives/families of their married men but I could never hate his wife. From what I've picked up, he pretty much ruined her life. She got pregnant at 18 and lost her whole family, effectively ending up imprisoned by him over the years, not really getting anything back from him. I think she's done well to raise her family but I can't help wanting to be with him. I love him so much, he's everything I'll ever want.
    I know what you mean when you say you really love someone and you feel so alone when you have arguments- it's probably not as strong as how you feel it, but i've been there and felt that. Heck, I still have an enormous reliance on him because he can be there for me! But now I know I've got parents, best friends- they may not always literally be there, but I know they're just a phone call or text message away.
    He might love you, but he's either completely there for you or not at all. He can't do that- it's so cruel to you.
    This guy sounds completely selfish to me- he's not only decided to mess you up, but he messed up his wife. It doesn't matter that he doesn't love her. The fact of it is, he's having an affair, and the woman he's betraying he's spent decades repressing.
    I think you need to get out of the relationship- not only for your physical and mental well being- if the worst comes to it, and you feel completely unstable and weak without him, perhaps you could consider councilling of sorts? You need to get out of it not only to save yourself, but for the sakes of the family. Who knows, maybe you being the strong individual you can be will shock him into realise he can't treat like the women who love him like crap.
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    Sounds like you have feelings for you and perhaps vice versa, however if you want to join the army how will that effect your relationship?
    Will he wait?

    Do you want to commit?

    Would he want to commit seriously?

    You need to think about all of this.

    And don't think or say things like:

    I honestly would rather die than live without him.
    and

    I just don't want to live if I can't have him.
    Because even if you did break up, life goes on. You need to move on. Being with him is not the be all and end all.
    You need to seriously evaluate the relationship between you two, and think about how likely it is that you both will be able to stay together and remain in love and compatable with each other
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    The age gap isn't the problem here.

    He probably will never choose you over his wife as he can clearly get away with having a mistress and you love him so much you don't want to hurt him.

    He threatened to kill you, even though he's supposed to care for you. Please seek help and speak to your Mum. You have deep emotional scars you need to address as you sound very vulnerable and I would hate to imagine what could happen to you.
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    tl;dr!

    Lols!

    I'm going to call troll anyway, it started with "I shouldn't say this" then I stopped reading
 
 
 
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