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I want to love her... watch

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    About six weeks ago I broke up with my gf - we'd been together almost three years.

    There was always a nagging doubt in my mind about whether the relationship was right... about whether I loved her...

    I also feared I wasn't ready to settle down yet. Less in the sense that I wanted to sleep around, more in terms of having my independence, not having to let anyone know where I was, etc.

    After we broke up I felt relief at having done it and was sure it was the right thing. That lasted about two weeks. Now I miss her. The thing is, she is literally the perfect girl - she is intelligent, really beautiful, loving, caring, etc. I am genuinely not going to find another girl like her.

    However, as I said, when we were together I had these doubts. Part of me wants to tell her I miss her and try to win her back. But another part thinks I might just end up feeling the same way again and I can't break her heart again... so I am staying quiet.

    What can I do?
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    I feel if I can't love this girl, I will never be able to love anyone.
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    we are in one ship in my case she left my 8 weeks ago and i never forget her she is very pretty but she doesn't love me i am made on her i don't live without her but i live normally its strange but i can't sleep
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    This is only my opinion, at the end of the day it's your own decision, but it sounds to me that you are doing the right thing. You have spent three years with her, and obviously will still have some feelings even if it's not love, so it's natural to miss her company. I think the relief you felt at the start and the nagging feelings show your real emotions. If you got back together with her I think you'd go back to feeling unsettled again and end up repeating the whole thing.

    I know it's hard, and will take a little while to get used to, but I think you're doing the right thing to avoid hurting her again.
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    Don't mistake attachment for love. Give it time, and you'll know you did the right thing. After 3 years with someone you're going to be very in tune... it takes a bit of time.
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    (Original post by Journalistic)
    I feel if I can't love this girl, I will never be able to love anyone.
    :teehee:
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    (Original post by kpwxx)
    This is only my opinion, at the end of the day it's your own decision, but it sounds to me that you are doing the right thing. You have spent three years with her, and obviously will still have some feelings even if it's not love, so it's natural to miss her company. I think the relief you felt at the start and the nagging feelings show your real emotions. If you got back together with her I think you'd go back to feeling unsettled again and end up repeating the whole thing.

    I know it's hard, and will take a little while to get used to, but I think you're doing the right thing to avoid hurting her again.
    Hi, thank you so much for your reply - I really appreciate it.

    Just to ask: why do you think that the doubt and the relief are my true feeling? You might be right... but why should I discount the fact that I miss her? I have even pictured us together with kids, etc. It scares the hell out of me that I have made the wrong decision, so I am pleased to hear the argument that I haven't! But... what makes you say it?
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    (Original post by Journalistic)
    Hi, thank you so much for your reply - I really appreciate it.

    Just to ask: why do you think that the doubt and the relief are my true feeling? You might be right... but why should I discount the fact that I miss her? I have even pictured us together with kids, etc. It scares the hell out of me that I have made the wrong decision, so I am pleased to hear the argument that I haven't! But... what makes you say it?
    Mainly I suppose cause it's natural to feel like you miss someone, but not so natural to always feel like the relationship isn't right. Plus from other examples of friends etc it usually turns out the doubt is the true emotion, and just comes creeping back if the couple get back together.

    Like I said though, you will know best in the end. xxx
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    (Original post by karateworm)
    Don't mistake attachment for love. Give it time, and you'll know you did the right thing. After 3 years with someone you're going to be very in tune... it takes a bit of time.
    You're right. I think my main problem is that I don't really know why I didn't love her as much as I should, which makes me wonder whether I will love anyone properly (because, as I said, this girl is really, really wonderful). So my default position is to miss her...

    Thanks for the reply.
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    (Original post by kpwxx)
    Mainly I suppose cause it's natural to feel like you miss someone, but not so natural to always feel like the relationship isn't right. Plus from other examples of friends etc it usually turns out the doubt is the true emotion, and just comes creeping back if the couple get back together.

    Like I said though, you will know best in the end. xxx
    Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you again!
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    (Original post by Journalistic)
    About six weeks ago I broke up with my gf - we'd been together almost three years.

    There was always a nagging doubt in my mind about whether the relationship was right... about whether I loved her...

    I also feared I wasn't ready to settle down yet. Less in the sense that I wanted to sleep around, more in terms of having my independence, not having to let anyone know where I was, etc.

    After we broke up I felt relief at having done it and was sure it was the right thing. That lasted about two weeks. Now I miss her. The thing is, she is literally the perfect girl - she is intelligent, really beautiful, loving, caring, etc. I am genuinely not going to find another girl like her.

    However, as I said, when we were together I had these doubts. Part of me wants to tell her I miss her and try to win her back. But another part thinks I might just end up feeling the same way again and I can't break her heart again... so I am staying quiet.

    What can I do?

    I broke up with my boyfriend two days ago and these are so so similar to the reasons he gave me.

    Basically that he loves me and I mean the world to him but he has nagging doubts about not being grown up enough to be in a serious relationship and that he can't be the boyfriend I want and needs to be on his own.

    It was really nice to read your post and see if from a guys point of view.

    My advice would be to really really evaluate your feelings, are they selfish or selfless? How did she take the break up? Were you honest with her? If you genuinely miss her and want to be with her, you'll know and you should tell her. But if you can't genuinely promise yourself you can give her 100% then you need to leave her to move on, and make it clear it's over.
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    Doubt should always be listened to. There is nothing in this world to say that you can't miss her, want her, care for her and cherish her and still feel there is something wrong with the relationship.

    I've had three serious relationships. The first was with a jerk but I didn't listen to my doubts and got very hurt. The second was with a really lovely person but I learnt from the first that if you have doubts, you need to listen to them. My second boyfriend was attractive, caring, gentle, funny, decent, intelligent but that didn't stop the relationship being something that at the end of the day didn't suit me. I spent nearly four years of my life trying to work out how to handle relationships, whether doubts were natural, whether I had to strength to leave when I wasn't happy. Each time a relationship ended, I would be relieved and then I would mope and pine and wonder if I did the right thing.

    With time I healed and was able to look back and say that yes, I did do the right thing. Ending a relationship with a jerk is one thing but ending a relationship with a really wonderful person is something entirely different, but that doesn't make it any less the right thing to do.

    If you have doubts, stay away from her and give both of you time to heal and move on. Doubts eat away at a person and can make them say, do and feel things that are not in line with their character.

    I understand your worry about love. I thought I was in love with my second boyfriend but I always wondered why it didn't feel the way I expected it should. I worried that maybe I wasn't able to love if I couldn't love someone as sweet, gentle and kind as he was. I now know that isn't true. Sometimes it takes more than for someone to 'tick all the boxes' to make a relationship work.

    My boyfriend (current and hopefully forever) is a little insecure, scatter brained, lacking focus and a university drop out. However, I'm totally and competely mad about him and his flaws do not bother me in the slightest. I never think "I love him but I just wish . . ." I think loving someone truly, despite their flaws and perhaps because of their flaws, is a more powerful, beautiful thing than trying to love someone who is flawless. Don't put her virtues on a pedestal - get out there, make a life for yourself and you'll probably find someone that fits you like a glove, despite not necessarily being perfect on paper. Love is a funny thing.

    I should add that my boyfriend is amazing - I made him out to be somehow inferior to my second boyfriend but that isn't the case at all. It's just than when I was with my second boyfriend, I had a hard time imagining someone more genuine, more kind, more intelligent, etc. Sometimes you need to actually find someone to realise they were the one you were waiting for - sometimes out imagination just doesn't cut it.
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    If your had doubts she was the right one for you, if you get back together those doubts will come back and you will end up hurting her even more.
    My ex broke up with me 4 months ago, he felt we weren't right together, but for 2 months he missed me and really wanted to give it another try, I went back to him cos I loved him so much, and didn't think he would hurt me again. 2 weeks after we got back together his doubts came back, and realised we arent right for eachother. It hurt me so much, having to go through the heartbreak all over again. Don't do it to her. And don't do it to yourself. You ended it for a reason, you'll end up ending it again if you get back together. If my ex was asking this question, I wouldn't want someone to tell him he ended it for a reason, I want him back!! But I don't want to go through that pain again, and if you had doubts, they will come back. It's natural to miss someone, and you will find someone else who is just as perfect as her, but who you won't have doubts about.
 
 
 
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