Turn on thread page Beta

What to do about boyfriends ex? watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Hi guys,

    Please keep anon or delete...

    This is a bit of a complicated one but I'd appreciate any advice from you guys. My bf and I are 21 and have been going out for almost a year now (we are in our fourth yr of uni but have been friends since first year)..

    In second year, he asked me out but I wasn't ready at the time and didn't feel that way so I said no..It was a difficult time but we still stayed friends. Then a year after this (in third yr), I started having feelings for him, told him and we have been together since then..Our relationship is brilliant and we really love each other - I also completely trust him.

    Anyways there is this girl who he has also known since first year. They got together in first year for a bit but it didn't work out (that was before he told me how he felt). Then after I said no to him in 2nd year, he had quite a longish on/off friends with benefits thing with this girl - He was very open about this after I had rejected him but were still friends. In the end, the FWB thing didn't work out and neither him or this girl wanted a relationship or had feelings for each other. Shortly after that was when I told him how i felt and since then its all been fine.

    However, this girl is now in class at uni because she has taken the same option bsc as me (i wont go into detail about options and things). The bottom line is that I now see her everyday...she is really nice and I know that nothing will ever happen with her and my bf again cz I am with him etc..and I completely trust him. They are still good friends (as they have a lot of mutual friends etc) but I'm just finding it really weird seeing her everyday and we say hi and get on etc, but I am just constantly reminded of their FWB thing when I see her. I don't mean to be immature about it or anything but don't think there is much I can do..do you think I'm odd for feeling like that? and what can i do?

    Thanks and sorry for the long post..xxx
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    Get over it
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    any constructive advice please? I should also add that a friend of mine thinks he just had the fwb thing to get over me saying no to him...its just everytime i see his ex, i'm just constantly reminded of it xxx
    Offline

    7
    ReputationRep:
    Uh, well, aside from dropping out of uni, there really isn't anything you can do apart from "getting over it".
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    What were you expecting people to say?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    tell your boyfriend how you feel, its not a crime to feel weird about him seeing someone who he used to have casual sex with.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    any constructive advice please? I should also add that a friend of mine thinks he just had the fwb thing to get over me saying no to him...its just everytime i see his ex, i'm just constantly reminded of it xxx
    There's no constructive advice possible. I was serious. All you can do except throw a fit whenever you see her, drop out, or force her to drop out, is get over it.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    How long have you been in the same class for? It might seem weird now but if you give it time you should just naturally get past it. I think it's normal to feel a bit odd, but there's nothing you can do to change the situation so you've just got to adjust to it.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Sorry BumperBo..i didn't mean to make it sound as though you weren't being seriuos or anything. I know that its something I need to adjust to and get over - but I just don't really know how?? And its weird, cz I completely trust my bf so its not as though I'm worried that something will happen - it just feels odd cz i've gone from hardly ever seeing her to seeing her everyday.

    jg87 - its only been 2 weeks so still early days, hopefully it will get better with time maybe...

    Does any one have any suggestions of how to just get past it or adjust to the situation??
    I mean we do speak and I think shes a nice person, but its just weird cz sometimes I just can't help but have this image of her having a FWB thing with my boyfriend..i think i also just find it really weird cz hes my first bf so i've never really had this issue before..xxx
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    If she's really nice and you know nothing will ever happen then there's nothing you can do - you have to put up with it and try and get over it.

    He can't go back in time and not go out with her. Everyone has past relationships or baggage, so just try and look past it and don't let it ruin your relationship.

    It's really not hard.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    I can understand how it might be slightly weird for you, but it'll be weird for her to see her old FWB's girlfriend everyday, despite the fact that she never got emotionally attached. Something's telling me you can't handle the idea of him having been intimate with someone else, which is slightly unfair really when you did reject him. He couldn't just wait around for the possibility of you declaring love. Be an adult about it and get over it. It sounds like he jumped at the opportunity to be with you despite your previous rejection, so he must be fairly smitten with you.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    People shouldn't have to pretend their past didn't exist just because they're with someone new. Just me an adult about it he's with you not her.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi guys,

    Please keep anon or delete...

    This is a bit of a complicated one but I'd appreciate any advice from you guys. My bf and I are 21 and have been going out for almost a year now (we are in our fourth yr of uni but have been friends since first year)..

    In second year, he asked me out but I wasn't ready at the time and didn't feel that way so I said no..It was a difficult time but we still stayed friends. Then a year after this (in third yr), I started having feelings for him, told him and we have been together since then..Our relationship is brilliant and we really love each other - I also completely trust him.

    Anyways there is this girl who he has also known since first year. They got together in first year for a bit but it didn't work out (that was before he told me how he felt). Then after I said no to him in 2nd year, he had quite a longish on/off friends with benefits thing with this girl - He was very open about this after I had rejected him but were still friends. In the end, the FWB thing didn't work out and neither him or this girl wanted a relationship or had feelings for each other. Shortly after that was when I told him how i felt and since then its all been fine.

    However, this girl is now in class at uni because she has taken the same option bsc as me (i wont go into detail about options and things). The bottom line is that I now see her everyday...she is really nice and I know that nothing will ever happen with her and my bf again cz I am with him etc..and I completely trust him. They are still good friends (as they have a lot of mutual friends etc) but I'm just finding it really weird seeing her everyday and we say hi and get on etc, but I am just constantly reminded of their FWB thing when I see her. I don't mean to be immature about it or anything but don't think there is much I can do..do you think I'm odd for feeling like that? and what can i do?

    Thanks and sorry for the long post..xxx
    just try and remain friendly with her, if nothing happens between you three then all is fine, but if something does indeed happen confront her and tell her that you will not tolerate her
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Climbontoyourseahorse)
    I can understand how it might be slightly weird for you, but it'll be weird for her to see her old FWB's girlfriend everyday, despite the fact that she never got emotionally attached. Something's telling me you can't handle the idea of him having been intimate with someone else, which is slightly unfair really when you did reject him. He couldn't just wait around for the possibility of you declaring love. Be an adult about it and get over it. It sounds like he jumped at the opportunity to be with you despite your previous rejection, so he must be fairly smitten with you.
    Yeh I think to an extent it probably is kind of weird for her too..the circumstances under which they first got together was a bit odd (basically he was vvv drunk and she kind of took advantage of him), but I do think at one point she did genuinly like him, and they did try to be in a relationship before the FWB thing but he said it never worked our. However, I know there are no feelings between them now, but I am still uncomfortable for some reason. I think you are right, I do find the thought of him being intimate with someone else really upsetting, even though I don't have any right to feel that way - and everything between us is really great now despite all the stuff thats happened. I do think I am being adult about it as in i've not acted any differently towards her - i just can't seem to get it out of my head though xx
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by big-boss-91)
    just try and remain friendly with her, if nothing happens between you three then all is fine, but if something does indeed happen confront her and tell her that you will not tolerate her
    thanks..i KNOW that nothing will happen between her and my bf, they are still friends and they both have that right to be friends. she isn't a malicious type of girl or anything and so I don't think I would ever have to deal with that...i just still feel uncomfortable sometimes because I'm just aware that he has been with her in that way and they do have quite a bit of history together as they werent just FWB, but were friends before that and tried to have a relationship prior to that too..i just don't know what to do to stop thinking about it and getting over it...im sure my bf will understand if I tell him, but theres really nothing that anyone can do xxx
    Online

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Maybe trying to get to know her would help? Then you would associate seeing each her with other things about her other than just she is his ex? I know it's a weird idea but it sounds like pretending nothing happened when you see her is making it harder for you atm?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    thanks..i KNOW that nothing will happen between her and my bf, they are still friends and they both have that right to be friends. she isn't a malicious type of girl or anything and so I don't think I would ever have to deal with that...i just still feel uncomfortable sometimes because I'm just aware that he has been with her in that way and they do have quite a bit of history together as they werent just FWB, but were friends before that and tried to have a relationship prior to that too..i just don't know what to do to stop thinking about it and getting over it...im sure my bf will understand if I tell him, but theres really nothing that anyone can do xxx
    yeah try and keep it safe, and i think it'll be a good idea to talk to your boyfriend about the situation and how you feel about it, he will understand what you're going through and maybe he'll reassure you.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by CyclopsRock)
    What were you expecting people to say?
    "Here, rub this suspiciously ornate lamp!"
    • #2
    #2

    I am in a similar situation, but my bf is 8 years older than me and was married to his ex. I met him not long after she had left him and I knew at that point that they were still really good friends, just that she was no longer "in" love with him. I have only met her a few times since then, but I always find it unbelievably awkward and have no clue as to how to handle the situation. For that reason I have mainly gotten on with the "just get over it" approach, ignoring it and hoping it will sort itself out. So far it's going ok, but i still feel a massive amount of tension around her (it doesn't help that the few times I have met her have been at national events for an organisation she has been in since she was a teenager and now runs, and so I feel like everyone there is friends of them as a couple that have known them forever, and I'm just filling in for her when we're there now, as I never got to go to them as an ordinary person, only as his gf!)

    I can promise it should get a little better, but I don't think you will ever be able to get over it completely: it is one thing to say that is the mature, adult approach, but I don't think many people really handle close exes well!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Smile88egc)
    Maybe trying to get to know her would help? Then you would associate seeing each her with other things about her other than just she is his ex? I know it's a weird idea but it sounds like pretending nothing happened when you see her is making it harder for you atm?
    I agree that it is harder for me when i see her to pretend nothing happened etc because all I associate her with is being with my bf in that way..thing is i know from my boyfriend that she has had quite a few relationships or just generally been with more guys (whereas iv only ever been with one) and so I think this situation is probably effecting her less than it does with me..or at lease she is probably not letting it play on her mind as much as me. I wouldn't mind spending time with her since she is in my class for a whole year not and I guess i was always abit curious about her, but I just worry that it will make things even harder if i do, which is why i feel awkward about it as I'm not sure how to handle the situation. xxx
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: October 4, 2010
The home of Results and Clearing

2,684

people online now

1,567,000

students helped last year
Poll
How are you feeling about GCSE results day?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.