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Alcohol, Consequences & Unprotected Sex...
Ok, so this is a message that's likely to cause quite a bit of controversy I'd imagine. Please bear with me and perhaps try to exercise a little bit of compassion before flaming me unbelievably...
Firstly, I'm going to give some background information. I'm 22 years old and in my fourth year of University, I've off on had two serious relationships, one prior to Uni and one during. I've been officially single for about 5 months, and in that time have radically come to realise that I'm generally considered quite unattractive, and this fact coupled with the fact I'm naturally shy makes me pretty useless with women in every sense. I simply do not know how to talk to women or have the confidence to approach them, mainly because when I have tried in the past I often receive a "why the hell are YOU talking to ME" look.
However, if I drink, I lose the first initial barrier (i.e. I no longer care that I'm unattractive) and therefore feel able to talk to women, so on nights out generally I'm able to pull without too much difficulty if I have a few drinks (nb. not get completely drunk). The problem is, if I drink too much (about 1 in 3 nights out, unfortunately), then I get severe memory loss. If I lose parts of a night out usually I know I behave bizarrely out of character and not like myself. It's almost a weekly occurrance that if I drink, I will end up forgetting at least one hour of a night out. However, without drinking, I feel depressed and pathetic because I cannot talk to/attract any women. Whereas I know many, many people on these forums moan about the fact they can't attract women - my situation is slightly different, I take every possible step to ensure I look as good as I *can*, i.e. I dress well, I'm well groomed, smell nice, but I'm simply not good looking.
The point about drinking brings me on to the first issue here - it is a problem. I've frequently done certain things I regret when drunk - but only when I can't remember. I often wake up after nights out worried to ask my friends what happened in the period I can't remember...
I was at a student night on Tuesday and was talking to a girl far and away 'out of my league', let's call her Susie. We'd gone out late, and as such I'd had many Double Vodka's to 'catch up' with the rest of the people that were out. However, they all simply kicked in at once, and my period of memory loss starts when i was in the club talking to Susie.
My friends inform me that nothing else really happened, except I was talking to Susie and some of her friends, dancing, the usual night out behaviour. When the club kicked out, apparently I was with Susie outside, my friends nearby, and she was trying frequently to walk away from me [this is part of the night I don't remember, and if it's true I'm particularly embarassed, worried and concerned about, remember - i'm stating what I have done is out of character] but I was trying to persuade her to stay, my friends have said that she would walk off but i kept hold of her arm and pulled her back, repeatedly for a few minutes. How bad I was being I'm not really sure, my friends thought it was funny [i.e. they laughed at me, rather than intervening], but they are particularly steretypically 'laddish' about certain things (hence, I feel too embarassed to ask them what may or may not have happened further, as I will NEVER hear the end of it). Apparently I kissed Susie, but she seemed particularly not interested and essentially pushed me off of her.
The next thing that I personally remember (i.e. I don't remember any of being outside the club) is being at a nearby takeaway with Susie, her friend and my friend. Susie was very very drunk, as I actually remember I needed to support her weight with my arm that was around her waist (please remember when judging me here, that I was easily as drunk as she may have been, Ijust don't fall over). We had gone in to buy food, and then were standing outside. Some of Susie's other mates pulled up in a taxi, her friend got inside with them as did Susie for a brief moment, then she came back outside the taxi and said "Are you not coming back with me?", I pointed out there was no room in the Taxi and she suggested we get another one, to which I agreed.
I don't remember much about the taxi ride, except for the fact we were kissing in the back of the taxi and Susie dropped chips all over the cab, and I was very apologetic (it's worth noting here that when I don't remember things through drinking, to other people I can still come across very coherent and make sense, e.g. I've made plans when that drunk with people and known nothing about them).
The next thing I remember is being back at Susie's house, where she proceeded to open yet another bottle of wine, whilst we were sitting downstairs talking to some other people in the house. I remember one of Susie's sober housemates (i.e. whom had not been out) telling me that I was repeating myself to her, i.e. asked her the same questions twice. Shortly after this (or so it seemed at the time), the other went upstairs to bed and Susie and I were sat drinking the wine. She said "I know this is cheesy but do you want to come up to see my room?" and up she went and I followed.
I don't remember much else about what happened, except minor details about the room, that I put a CD on, and that we'd drank at least 2/3 of the bottle of wine by this point. I vaguely remember us having sex, both still fairly clothed. I woke up at about 5.30, attempted to wake Susie but she was comatosed and realised I 'needed' to get home (irrational drunken logic, but from this point onward I remember what happened), so I left her a note with my phone number saying I needed to be in for an early lecture and put 'text me if you like', the main reason for this wording being that Susie was very good looking and I'm not and I figured she was unlikely to want to do this again; it was simply because she was very drunk she had.
I walked home (about 2 miles, as I had no money) feeling happy in the knowledge that I'd slept with an attractive girl (bear in mind that I had no recollection of the reprehensible manner in which I apparently first kissed her outside the club, or really the sex itself anyway). I got back home and went to bed briefly, as I did, in fact, need to be up for my lecture at 11.
About 12 I received a text from Susie, saying "Hey it's Susie. I'm sorry for my behaviour last night, whatever it was(!), I'm really not normally like that I was just very drunk. p.s. What happened between us? X."
I replied saying "not to worry about being drunk as she wasn't the only one, I was so drunk I was repeating myself to one of your housemates [as I DO remember that], and that I thought we'd had sex, and that it'd been unprotected [another sign of my ridiculous out-of-character drunkenness]."
That was 3 days ago, and I've not had a text back from Susie since that.
I've not texted Susie for the reasons I've already mentioned (i.e. her being far far more attractive than me) and embarassment/shock of what my friends have told me that I did outside the club, which I don't remember in any way. Surely it can't have been that bad/unrequited, if she invited me to go back with her? Although in all fairness, she appears to have been as drunk if not moreso than me (cf. me supporting her weight). Plus, surely if she wanted any further contact she'd have texted me back after the previous message (i.e. I presume her sober housemate I spoke to is likely to have pointed out I'm a minger, or suchlike).
Today, I've noticed that I appear to have a rash, which looks simply like candidal balantis (male thrush, I recognise the symptoms as one of my former girlfriends was particuarly prone to this when she was on the pill), I really hope it isn't anything more. I know for a fact I had no form of STI before sleeping with Susie as I had been tested for pretty much everything and got the all clear.
I wasn't going to contact Susie again (reasons above), though the whole thing has been preying on my mind and worrying me sick - what exactly I did or didn't do. The fact I don't really remember anything about whether or not we had sex (well, I suppose I definately know now that we did). Now it appear s that I may have to? Should I contact her about the rash? What on earth would you say to someone about that - especially as I'm assuming it's come from her?! Or even just to apologise further for the way I have acted? Remember that when I texted her back about 'what happened between us?' I had no idea about the outside of the club incident, I only remember being inside the club, the chippy, then her house (which, even in retrospect, looks like she definately wanted to do something with me (!)).
I'm embarassed worried and concerned about it all. The advice I would like is:
--
Should I contact her again? if I do, how and what should I say to her? Given all the information above. Do I mention the rash?
--
I know the simple answer regarding my behaviour when I'm very drunk (that i've forgotten) would simply be to 'stop drinking'. However, as I mentioned at the start of the post I simply cannot talk to women without having something to drink. Some nights I can drink all night and will be fine, no memory loss whatsoever and I'll stay in control. On other nights (such as this one) I wake up feeling mortified about what I've done and think I should never drink again.
Whether or not I lose control/lose memory is completely random, I've experimented with every type of food drink/spirit combintation I can - there never seems to be a cause I can isolate, it just happens, usually when I'm more relaxed and don't focus on making sure that I *remember* everything I'm doing...
Thanks for any replies, and while I know I deserve criticism for my actions you can be assured that I am my own worst critic and desperate to find a way of changing the entire situation, without sinking into a minefield of depression. I would really like to hear from people who can suggest positive ways this situation, and the drinking situation, can be positively rectified so I don't live in fear of drinking too much whenever I'm near alcohol.
and for the record, I'm already aware I show clear symptoms of alcoholism.
Peter.
Firstly, I'm going to give some background information. I'm 22 years old and in my fourth year of University, I've off on had two serious relationships, one prior to Uni and one during. I've been officially single for about 5 months, and in that time have radically come to realise that I'm generally considered quite unattractive, and this fact coupled with the fact I'm naturally shy makes me pretty useless with women in every sense. I simply do not know how to talk to women or have the confidence to approach them, mainly because when I have tried in the past I often receive a "why the hell are YOU talking to ME" look.
However, if I drink, I lose the first initial barrier (i.e. I no longer care that I'm unattractive) and therefore feel able to talk to women, so on nights out generally I'm able to pull without too much difficulty if I have a few drinks (nb. not get completely drunk). The problem is, if I drink too much (about 1 in 3 nights out, unfortunately), then I get severe memory loss. If I lose parts of a night out usually I know I behave bizarrely out of character and not like myself. It's almost a weekly occurrance that if I drink, I will end up forgetting at least one hour of a night out. However, without drinking, I feel depressed and pathetic because I cannot talk to/attract any women. Whereas I know many, many people on these forums moan about the fact they can't attract women - my situation is slightly different, I take every possible step to ensure I look as good as I *can*, i.e. I dress well, I'm well groomed, smell nice, but I'm simply not good looking.
The point about drinking brings me on to the first issue here - it is a problem. I've frequently done certain things I regret when drunk - but only when I can't remember. I often wake up after nights out worried to ask my friends what happened in the period I can't remember...
I was at a student night on Tuesday and was talking to a girl far and away 'out of my league', let's call her Susie. We'd gone out late, and as such I'd had many Double Vodka's to 'catch up' with the rest of the people that were out. However, they all simply kicked in at once, and my period of memory loss starts when i was in the club talking to Susie.
My friends inform me that nothing else really happened, except I was talking to Susie and some of her friends, dancing, the usual night out behaviour. When the club kicked out, apparently I was with Susie outside, my friends nearby, and she was trying frequently to walk away from me [this is part of the night I don't remember, and if it's true I'm particularly embarassed, worried and concerned about, remember - i'm stating what I have done is out of character] but I was trying to persuade her to stay, my friends have said that she would walk off but i kept hold of her arm and pulled her back, repeatedly for a few minutes. How bad I was being I'm not really sure, my friends thought it was funny [i.e. they laughed at me, rather than intervening], but they are particularly steretypically 'laddish' about certain things (hence, I feel too embarassed to ask them what may or may not have happened further, as I will NEVER hear the end of it). Apparently I kissed Susie, but she seemed particularly not interested and essentially pushed me off of her.
The next thing that I personally remember (i.e. I don't remember any of being outside the club) is being at a nearby takeaway with Susie, her friend and my friend. Susie was very very drunk, as I actually remember I needed to support her weight with my arm that was around her waist (please remember when judging me here, that I was easily as drunk as she may have been, Ijust don't fall over). We had gone in to buy food, and then were standing outside. Some of Susie's other mates pulled up in a taxi, her friend got inside with them as did Susie for a brief moment, then she came back outside the taxi and said "Are you not coming back with me?", I pointed out there was no room in the Taxi and she suggested we get another one, to which I agreed.
I don't remember much about the taxi ride, except for the fact we were kissing in the back of the taxi and Susie dropped chips all over the cab, and I was very apologetic (it's worth noting here that when I don't remember things through drinking, to other people I can still come across very coherent and make sense, e.g. I've made plans when that drunk with people and known nothing about them).
The next thing I remember is being back at Susie's house, where she proceeded to open yet another bottle of wine, whilst we were sitting downstairs talking to some other people in the house. I remember one of Susie's sober housemates (i.e. whom had not been out) telling me that I was repeating myself to her, i.e. asked her the same questions twice. Shortly after this (or so it seemed at the time), the other went upstairs to bed and Susie and I were sat drinking the wine. She said "I know this is cheesy but do you want to come up to see my room?" and up she went and I followed.
I don't remember much else about what happened, except minor details about the room, that I put a CD on, and that we'd drank at least 2/3 of the bottle of wine by this point. I vaguely remember us having sex, both still fairly clothed. I woke up at about 5.30, attempted to wake Susie but she was comatosed and realised I 'needed' to get home (irrational drunken logic, but from this point onward I remember what happened), so I left her a note with my phone number saying I needed to be in for an early lecture and put 'text me if you like', the main reason for this wording being that Susie was very good looking and I'm not and I figured she was unlikely to want to do this again; it was simply because she was very drunk she had.
I walked home (about 2 miles, as I had no money) feeling happy in the knowledge that I'd slept with an attractive girl (bear in mind that I had no recollection of the reprehensible manner in which I apparently first kissed her outside the club, or really the sex itself anyway). I got back home and went to bed briefly, as I did, in fact, need to be up for my lecture at 11.
About 12 I received a text from Susie, saying "Hey it's Susie. I'm sorry for my behaviour last night, whatever it was(!), I'm really not normally like that I was just very drunk. p.s. What happened between us? X."
I replied saying "not to worry about being drunk as she wasn't the only one, I was so drunk I was repeating myself to one of your housemates [as I DO remember that], and that I thought we'd had sex, and that it'd been unprotected [another sign of my ridiculous out-of-character drunkenness]."
That was 3 days ago, and I've not had a text back from Susie since that.
I've not texted Susie for the reasons I've already mentioned (i.e. her being far far more attractive than me) and embarassment/shock of what my friends have told me that I did outside the club, which I don't remember in any way. Surely it can't have been that bad/unrequited, if she invited me to go back with her? Although in all fairness, she appears to have been as drunk if not moreso than me (cf. me supporting her weight). Plus, surely if she wanted any further contact she'd have texted me back after the previous message (i.e. I presume her sober housemate I spoke to is likely to have pointed out I'm a minger, or suchlike).
Today, I've noticed that I appear to have a rash, which looks simply like candidal balantis (male thrush, I recognise the symptoms as one of my former girlfriends was particuarly prone to this when she was on the pill), I really hope it isn't anything more. I know for a fact I had no form of STI before sleeping with Susie as I had been tested for pretty much everything and got the all clear.
I wasn't going to contact Susie again (reasons above), though the whole thing has been preying on my mind and worrying me sick - what exactly I did or didn't do. The fact I don't really remember anything about whether or not we had sex (well, I suppose I definately know now that we did). Now it appear s that I may have to? Should I contact her about the rash? What on earth would you say to someone about that - especially as I'm assuming it's come from her?! Or even just to apologise further for the way I have acted? Remember that when I texted her back about 'what happened between us?' I had no idea about the outside of the club incident, I only remember being inside the club, the chippy, then her house (which, even in retrospect, looks like she definately wanted to do something with me (!)).
I'm embarassed worried and concerned about it all. The advice I would like is:
--
Should I contact her again? if I do, how and what should I say to her? Given all the information above. Do I mention the rash?
--
I know the simple answer regarding my behaviour when I'm very drunk (that i've forgotten) would simply be to 'stop drinking'. However, as I mentioned at the start of the post I simply cannot talk to women without having something to drink. Some nights I can drink all night and will be fine, no memory loss whatsoever and I'll stay in control. On other nights (such as this one) I wake up feeling mortified about what I've done and think I should never drink again.
Whether or not I lose control/lose memory is completely random, I've experimented with every type of food drink/spirit combintation I can - there never seems to be a cause I can isolate, it just happens, usually when I'm more relaxed and don't focus on making sure that I *remember* everything I'm doing...
Thanks for any replies, and while I know I deserve criticism for my actions you can be assured that I am my own worst critic and desperate to find a way of changing the entire situation, without sinking into a minefield of depression. I would really like to hear from people who can suggest positive ways this situation, and the drinking situation, can be positively rectified so I don't live in fear of drinking too much whenever I'm near alcohol.
and for the record, I'm already aware I show clear symptoms of alcoholism.
Peter.
Scroll to see replies
1. Go see your GP about the rash and find out what it is
2. Contact Susie. She probably feels as bad as you do. As a girl, this is what I would like to hear: Tell her that despite of what happened you respect her and understand that she's normally like that and that you won't be telling about it to everyone. The standars are different to girls than guys so she'll feel probably worse than you. And she might be worried about gettin a bad reputation so tell her that won't happen. If you want to know her feelings towards you just be straightforward and ask. Though it'd be good to tell her you won't be offended if she's not interested and understand that she was drunk. Don't mention the rash just yet, but if you find out for sure you have a STD then tell her. It'll be awkward but she must know.
But you need to make sure you won't have problems like this in the futire. If you need alcohol to gain confidence that's fine, lots of people do. Just don't drink so much. 4-5 drinks should be enough. And you really should try to gain some self confidence. If you take care of your appearance and have had girlfriends in the past you can't be that bad. I'm quite sure you just think you're ugly. If you want an objective opinion send me your photo (e-mail address on my profile) and I'll tell you what I think and what you could do to look better. And girls don't care about your apperance that muvh anyway. You can charm us with your humour and confidence if you don't look that good.
2. Contact Susie. She probably feels as bad as you do. As a girl, this is what I would like to hear: Tell her that despite of what happened you respect her and understand that she's normally like that and that you won't be telling about it to everyone. The standars are different to girls than guys so she'll feel probably worse than you. And she might be worried about gettin a bad reputation so tell her that won't happen. If you want to know her feelings towards you just be straightforward and ask. Though it'd be good to tell her you won't be offended if she's not interested and understand that she was drunk. Don't mention the rash just yet, but if you find out for sure you have a STD then tell her. It'll be awkward but she must know.
But you need to make sure you won't have problems like this in the futire. If you need alcohol to gain confidence that's fine, lots of people do. Just don't drink so much. 4-5 drinks should be enough. And you really should try to gain some self confidence. If you take care of your appearance and have had girlfriends in the past you can't be that bad. I'm quite sure you just think you're ugly. If you want an objective opinion send me your photo (e-mail address on my profile) and I'll tell you what I think and what you could do to look better. And girls don't care about your apperance that muvh anyway. You can charm us with your humour and confidence if you don't look that good.
I'd start by going to an AA meeting. You don't need drink to talk to girls, it's as simple as that. You might believe you do, but you don't. There are plenty of guys with girls who, looks-wise at least, are totally out of their league. Do you think it's because the guys are in a constant state of drunkeness? Nope, it's because girls tend to value certain things above looks. Seriously, the drink's about the most worrying thing and memory-loss isn't a good sign. Get yourself to a GP and then an AA meeting. In my opinion going out every night to pull is a pretty meaningless existence anyway - add far too much alcohol and unprotected (potentially STD riddled) casual sex and you've really not got a very attractive set of events (in my opinion). Maybe you should try to get to know girls in a different context. Girls won't respect you because you're hammered and seem a bit of a laugh, they'll respect you if you make an effort to engage them in conversation as friends without a view to copping off with them. First thing though you should try to get a bit of self-respect. Sorry if it sounds harsh but there's no point skirting around the issue.
viviki
Get to a STI clinic and see what happens.
What the heck stds don't show up for three years?
What the heck stds don't show up for three years?
hmm... seconded, none I've ever heard of. Last time I went (this isn't the first occasion of this
) I was informed that it can take up to two weeks for HIV, but that was the longest. I'm not about to start reading up on them as I can't get any testing/treatment 'til at least monday 
englishstudent
I'd start by going to an AA meeting. You don't need drink to talk to girls, it's as simple as that. You might believe you do, but you don't. There are plenty of guys with girls who, looks-wise at least, are totally out of their league. Do you think it's because the guys are in a constant state of drunkeness? Nope, it's because girls tend to value certain things above looks.
True enough, I've thought about going along to an AA meeting but in truth I feel no dependancy on Alcohol throughout life in general, it's purely when meeting women. My two (serious) girlfriends were both much better looking than myself, and in all fairness I know I'm a very decent, fun person. However, my ridiculous shyness/paranoia about my looks prevents me from acting 'normally' around girls until I've spent quite a long time with them, so as to feel comfortable. If I'm not drunk, I clam up and seem boring and disinterested.
englishstudent
Seriously, the drink's about the most worrying thing and memory-loss isn't a good sign. Get yourself to a GP and then an AA meeting. In my opinion going out every night to pull is a pretty meaningless existence anyway - add far too much alcohol and unprotected (potentially STD riddled) casual sex and you've really not got a very attractive set of events (in my opinion). Maybe you should try to get to know girls in a different context. Girls won't respect you because you're hammered and seem a bit of a laugh, they'll respect you if you make an effort to engage them in conversation as friends without a view to copping off with them. First thing though you should try to get a bit of self-respect. Sorry if it sounds harsh but there's no point skirting around the issue.
Seriously, the drink's about the most worrying thing and memory-loss isn't a good sign. Get yourself to a GP and then an AA meeting. In my opinion going out every night to pull is a pretty meaningless existence anyway - add far too much alcohol and unprotected (potentially STD riddled) casual sex and you've really not got a very attractive set of events (in my opinion). Maybe you should try to get to know girls in a different context. Girls won't respect you because you're hammered and seem a bit of a laugh, they'll respect you if you make an effort to engage them in conversation as friends without a view to copping off with them. First thing though you should try to get a bit of self-respect. Sorry if it sounds harsh but there's no point skirting around the issue.
I've always had the memory-loss thing (since I ever first touched a drink), as other people I know have similar problems with it I've never really concerned myself too much with it - it was mainly just the way I apparently acted towards 'Susie' outside this club that truly worried me, as that is soo ridiculously out of character - I really loathe really pushy blokes.
Self-respect isn't that easy to come by.
Ok, Peter, firstly, I know that alcohol is very addictive and so please try to make a good effort to keep away from it... especially when going to clubs, pubs etc. Stop with a maximum of 2 glasses... not more, and make that a concerted effort. What if (God forbid) something else happens when you are dead drunk? Think of your safety, and if you want to feel outgoing, don't resort to alcohol even if your mates drink as much as they want to. If that doesn't stop you, think of the health effects.
As for all this unattractiveness, learn to love yourself first, and then go about loving others. Moreover beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. I was talking with someone recently and commenting that someone was quite handsome... and got a retort back, saying that the guy wasn't. So if you think that you are unattractive, it is very possible that for numerous others, you are good looking
And there is more to a guy than just looks. In fact, looks would be way down in any sensible girls criteria.
And if always need alcohol to make you outgoing, how are you going to spend the rest of 24/7? Would this pretence of being sociable thanks to alcohol work forever... and if this is a image you are trying to project, say some girl thinks that you are outgoing, and later when it turns that you aren't, how will that end up?
When it comes to being shy, try socialising more with friends and striking up friendly conversations and soon you'll do well in socialising with others too.
But why is it that you just want to pull some random people? That sounds very insecure. I would say can't you know someone gradually and then thinking of whether she is 'pull-worthy'?
As to calling the girl, wait until you find out for sure that it is this infection and then you could perhaps just text her, ask for a meet-up and convey it coherently.
As for all this unattractiveness, learn to love yourself first, and then go about loving others. Moreover beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. I was talking with someone recently and commenting that someone was quite handsome... and got a retort back, saying that the guy wasn't. So if you think that you are unattractive, it is very possible that for numerous others, you are good looking
And there is more to a guy than just looks. In fact, looks would be way down in any sensible girls criteria.And if always need alcohol to make you outgoing, how are you going to spend the rest of 24/7? Would this pretence of being sociable thanks to alcohol work forever... and if this is a image you are trying to project, say some girl thinks that you are outgoing, and later when it turns that you aren't, how will that end up?
When it comes to being shy, try socialising more with friends and striking up friendly conversations and soon you'll do well in socialising with others too.
But why is it that you just want to pull some random people? That sounds very insecure. I would say can't you know someone gradually and then thinking of whether she is 'pull-worthy'?
As to calling the girl, wait until you find out for sure that it is this infection and then you could perhaps just text her, ask for a meet-up and convey it coherently.
Kismet
1. Go see your GP about the rash and find out what it is
2. Contact Susie. She probably feels as bad as you do. As a girl, this is what I would like to hear: Tell her that despite of what happened you respect her and understand that she's normally like that and that you won't be telling about it to everyone. I've had a night of drunken sex too and felt cheap and awful after it. The standars are different to girls than guys so she'll feel probably worse than you. And she might be worried about gettin a bad reputation so tell her that won't happen. If you want to know her feelings towards you just be straightforward and ask. Though it'd be good to tell her you won't be offended if she's not interested and understand that she was drunk. Don't mention the rash just yet, but if you find out for sure you have a STD then tell her. It'll be awkward but she must know.
2. Contact Susie. She probably feels as bad as you do. As a girl, this is what I would like to hear: Tell her that despite of what happened you respect her and understand that she's normally like that and that you won't be telling about it to everyone. I've had a night of drunken sex too and felt cheap and awful after it. The standars are different to girls than guys so she'll feel probably worse than you. And she might be worried about gettin a bad reputation so tell her that won't happen. If you want to know her feelings towards you just be straightforward and ask. Though it'd be good to tell her you won't be offended if she's not interested and understand that she was drunk. Don't mention the rash just yet, but if you find out for sure you have a STD then tell her. It'll be awkward but she must know.
Thanks for your opinions (and the same to the other replies)
kismet
But you need to make sure you won't have problems like this in the futire. If you need alcohol to gain confidence that's fine, lots of people do. Just don't drink so much. 4-5 drinks should be enough. And you really should try to gain some self confidence. If you take care of your appearance and have had girlfriends in the past you can't be that bad. I'm quite sure you just think you're ugly. If you want an objective opinion send me your photo (e-mail address on my profile) and I'll tell you what I think and what you could do to look better. And girls don't care about your apperance that muvh anyway. You can charm us with your humour and confidence if you don't look that good.
Well, I've always been told I'm ridiculous. I dislike my appearance so much I cant look into reflective surfaces when I'm outside... I'm certain there's nothing I could feasibly do to look any better than I do short of surgery, which is actually something I've considered (!). Both my girlfriends were well aware that I loathe my appearance so it was possibly an issue in the relationships, but I've never really been able to think of a realistic way to make it any better (i.e. I'm a cynic with regards to counselling etc.). I probably judge myself too harshly, but there again all my friends are very good looking which doesn't really help (i.e. will be hounded frequently by women when we're out, whereas if I speak to any women I always without question have to approach them).
Drinking to get confidence is one thing, I don't whether it's my physiology or not but it's the case that I can drink up to a point, then my memory goes n it appears my behaviour changes. The point at which I drink to, remains a mystery to me as I've never been able to find it, varies with mood, food eaten, yadda yadda yadda. Once I hit that point I'll keep drinking either til I run out of money or the bar closes - whichever is the sooner.
It's hard to gain confidence in your appearance when everything around you reminds you you're either remarkably average or worse... a typical example is going for a hair cut, I perceive in general the manner in which different people get treated based on looks... the shallowness of society re: looks is what I'm going to be doing my PhD on... well, if I can ever get any funding. I'd love to try and gain some confidence.
Cheers.
Have you always though that you're ugly or has there been an event that made you think so? What is that you don't like about yourself? Is there a particular problem like weight or skin or something? Even though you're sceptical about councelling you could always give it a go - you won't lose anything.
fleur-de-lis
Ok, Peter, firstly, I know that alcohol is very addictive and so please try to make a good effort to keep away from it... especially when going to clubs, pubs etc. Stop with a maximum of 2 glasses... not more, and make that a concerted effort. What if (God forbid) something else happens when you are dead drunk? Think of your safety, and if you want to feel outgoing, don't resort to alcohol even if your mates drink as much as they want to. If that doesn't stop you, think of the health effects.
Wise words, I've been in far more dangerous situations through drinking (than the unprotected sex lottery) and I even gave up for 2 months at one point. Generally though nights out with other people that are drunk are not remotely enjoyable unless I'm drunk. As my friends all drink, it's a hard situation. If I moderate it, eventually I will hit a point where I'll keep on drinking i.e. I drink therefore start enjoying myself more, therefore I continue to drink more).
fleur-de-lis
As for all this unattractiveness, learn to love yourself first, and then go about loving others. Moreover beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. I was talking with someone recently and commenting that someone was quite handsome... and got a retort back, saying that the guy wasn't. So if you think that you are unattractive, it is very possible that for numerous others, you are good looking And there is more to a guy than just looks. In fact, looks would be way down in any sensible girls criteria.
And if always need alcohol to make you outgoing, how are you going to spend the rest of 24/7? Would this pretence of being sociable thanks to alcohol work forever... and if this is a image you are trying to project, say some girl thinks that you are outgoing, and later when it turns that you aren't, how will that end up?
When it comes to being shy, try socialising more with friends and striking up friendly conversations and soon you'll do well in socialising with others too.
But why is it that you just want to pull some random people? That sounds very insecure. I would say can't you know someone gradually and then thinking of whether she is 'pull-worthy'?
As to calling the girl, wait until you find out for sure that it is this infection and then you could perhaps just text her, ask for a meet-up and convey it coherently.
As for all this unattractiveness, learn to love yourself first, and then go about loving others. Moreover beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. I was talking with someone recently and commenting that someone was quite handsome... and got a retort back, saying that the guy wasn't. So if you think that you are unattractive, it is very possible that for numerous others, you are good looking
And there is more to a guy than just looks. In fact, looks would be way down in any sensible girls criteria.And if always need alcohol to make you outgoing, how are you going to spend the rest of 24/7? Would this pretence of being sociable thanks to alcohol work forever... and if this is a image you are trying to project, say some girl thinks that you are outgoing, and later when it turns that you aren't, how will that end up?
When it comes to being shy, try socialising more with friends and striking up friendly conversations and soon you'll do well in socialising with others too.
But why is it that you just want to pull some random people? That sounds very insecure. I would say can't you know someone gradually and then thinking of whether she is 'pull-worthy'?
As to calling the girl, wait until you find out for sure that it is this infection and then you could perhaps just text her, ask for a meet-up and convey it coherently.
I think something I've not really accurately conveyed is that I only need to be drinking when I first meet women i.e. the two relationships I've had were 3 and 1 years in length, respectively, and both ended by me. After I know someone (i.e. if they're forced to spend time around me for a while, e.g. work etc.) then I relax and can be myself.
As to me being in-secure, that much itself is very true - I'm very insecure about my looks. However, I know fully that at this moment I don't want a relationship at all (although to be honest, based on what I do remember of the girl I slept with the other day, she seemed very nice indeed). Basically, I've thought that I need to just pull lots of randoms to make myself feel better but it's not really panning out that way at all. Hence me finishing the relationships (finished 1st to start 2nd, which was a big mistake it transpired).
I don't know, I'm a very mixed up individual I suppose. I don't know what I actually want so working out how to get it is pretty difficult. Whatever I'm doing now definately isn't right tho
I don't have a big problem socialising, I only really seem to have male friends though (and they're the same). Well, there's a few exceptions. It's just to socialise with women I don't know, I feel I need to be drinking
peterjdavis
Wise words, I've been in far more dangerous situations through drinking (than the unprotected sex lottery) and I even gave up for 2 months at one point. Generally though nights out with other people that are drunk are not remotely enjoyable unless I'm drunk. As my friends all drink, it's a hard situation. If I moderate it, eventually I will hit a point where I'll keep on drinking i.e. I drink therefore start enjoying myself more, therefore I continue to drink more).
True... I agree that I find that the usual nights out aren't fun unless you drink. But based on the posts you have made here, I believe that you are quite a sensible person- so do try to see the dangerous situations which you'll be exposed to... I don't want to be a prophet of doom or gloom, and so I am not spelling out what are the probable occurances. Moreover, think of the liver damage... just strengthen your mind, and make a resolve not to drink more than 2 glasses per night. Is that too much to ask?
I think something I've not really accurately conveyed is that I only need to be drinking when I first meet women i.e. the two relationships I've had were 3 and 1 years in length, respectively, and both ended by me. After I know someone (i.e. if they're forced to spend time around me for a while, e.g. work etc.) then I relax and can be myself.
Isn't like deception? Do you really want to do this?
However, I know fully that at this moment I don't want a relationship at all. Basically, I've thought that I need to just pull lots of randoms to make myself feel better but it's not really panning out that way at all.
You'll have to weigh whether the random pulls are worth the risks your health would be having. Would you rather have 101 random pulls and risk losing a major part of your life (or money, if you are lucky)?
I don't know, I'm a very mixed up individual I suppose. I don't know what I actually want so working out how to get it is pretty difficult. Whatever I'm doing now definately isn't right tho
I feel that you need to take some time off from all this clubbing and stuff. Sit down, take a piece of paper and write down what exactly you want, and how you will reach there and the sacrifices you have to make. If you are serious about your Ph.D, you obviously are looking at long term research- do you want your lifestyle to jeopardise your plans?
I usually am not so outspoken, btw, but I feel that this might be helpful in your case.
You won't gain self respect from drinking and sleeping with random people. Instead you'll just start to loathe yourslef at some points. You need to concentrate on yourself and find a way to respect yourself and feel good about yourself. Is it really just tyour appearance that is the problem?
The last thing I'll say tonight is this: You've got to love yourself before you can let others love you. Now I'm off to bed
The last thing I'll say tonight is this: You've got to love yourself before you can let others love you. Now I'm off to bed
just a quick one to clarify fleur: When I drink when I first meet women, it essentially allows me to act the same way I would do if I knew them better, as I'm not concerned about the way I look to them. So it's not really deception, if anything - it's actually the opposite, they get to know my actual personality rather than the paranoid introverted exterior that they'd otherwise be talking to. At least, I think that's what happens...
peterjdavis
just a quick one to clarify fleur: When I drink when I first meet women, it essentially allows me to act the same way I would do if I knew them better, as I'm not concerned about the way I look to them. So it's not really deception, if anything - it's actually the opposite, they get to know my actual personality rather than the paranoid introverted exterior that they'd otherwise be talking to. At least, I think that's what happens...
Ok, I understand- kind of like the reason why I started drinking (and mine had some peer influence too). Just gets rid of your inhibitions I suppose. But just weigh the pros and cons about drinking... if you just start emerging from that shell, I am sure that you wouldn't need any alcohol to make you confident.
Firstly, you're 22, it's time to grow up. You should have learned long ago how much you can sensibly drink. We all know when we've reached the point that we've had enough to lose our inhibitions, and aren't 'drunk' yet but any more and we will be.
Stop making excuses, be a man, grow up, and accept when you've had enough to drink. You should know by 22 that being absolutely plastered is not cool, funny, impressive, attractive etc.
Secondly, you did a stupid thing and you know it. Be a man and take responsibility. Go and get tested. If there is something, tell the girl. If there isn't, go and see her and apologise for your actions anyway. Fair enough, she was drunk too, but that's her issue, not yours.
Stop making excuses, be a man, grow up, and accept when you've had enough to drink. You should know by 22 that being absolutely plastered is not cool, funny, impressive, attractive etc.
Secondly, you did a stupid thing and you know it. Be a man and take responsibility. Go and get tested. If there is something, tell the girl. If there isn't, go and see her and apologise for your actions anyway. Fair enough, she was drunk too, but that's her issue, not yours.
why should he have to apologise to the girl its not like he took advantage of her she had the choice over how drunk she got.
I wouldn't see her again unless something comes up, although I would maybe text her to check shes on the pill unless you want any minimes running around. If she didn't answer the text she is clearly hideously embarrassed about the whole thing anyway so don't make it worse for her. Chalk it down to a one night thing and thats it if your STI checks are fine.
I would actually suggest you stop drinking for a while though if you can't handle your booze to that extent you shouldn't be drinking.
I wouldn't see her again unless something comes up, although I would maybe text her to check shes on the pill unless you want any minimes running around. If she didn't answer the text she is clearly hideously embarrassed about the whole thing anyway so don't make it worse for her. Chalk it down to a one night thing and thats it if your STI checks are fine.
I would actually suggest you stop drinking for a while though if you can't handle your booze to that extent you shouldn't be drinking.
I say good on you!! Fom what you said I can't seem to see anything wrong with what you did. Sure you *should* have used protection and maybe you *shouldn't* have drunk so much. However from the way you tell it, it was just a typical drunken one night stand. Nothing to be ashamed of, it happens all the time (or so I am told!).
peterjdavis
Should I contact her again? if I do, how and what should I say to her? Given all the information above. Do I mention the rash?
Should I contact her again? if I do, how and what should I say to her? Given all the information above. Do I mention the rash?
That's a tough situation to be in. I think the first thing you should do is get yourself down to a clinic and get checked for any signs of nasty STD's. I don't think you should ask Susie about the rash; if she's showing no signs of wanting to talk to you at the minute, I'm sure asking her if she has STD's isn't going to be the best conversation starter either.
On whether to contact Susie again, it depends on what you want the outcome to be. If you do actually like her, and hope for something good to become of the situation, then maybe you should try to contact her. Maybe call her, but if she seems offhand know to leave it at that.
You also said you thought you were "not attractive" but, you can't be that bad if you've had 2 girlfriends in the past. The most attractive thing in someone is confidence, and if you ACT confident and believe that you ARE decent enough looking, others will begin to think so too. If you continue complaining about looking bad, others will just accept that as the truth too. Weird; but that's the way our minds work.
and for the record, I'm already aware I show clear symptoms of alcoholism.
I think after this incident you've hopefully realised that you can't continue with this kind of attitude to alcohol. Why do you need to get totally wasted? Why not just have a few drinks. A few drinks can give you that extra boost of confidence without leaving you forgetting who/what you've done. It's probably not that you become any better looking when drunk, it's the confidence, something you can pretend to have without the use of alcohol.
peterjdavis
hmm... seconded, none I've ever heard of. Last time I went (this isn't the first occasion of this ) I was informed that it can take up to two weeks for HIV, but that was the longest. I'm not about to start reading up on them as I can't get any testing/treatment 'til at least monday
) I was informed that it can take up to two weeks for HIV, but that was the longest. I'm not about to start reading up on them as I can't get any testing/treatment 'til at least monday No, it's 3-6 months for HIV
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