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Boyfriend makes no effort in bed
I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year, and I'm so frustrated with our sex life that I could scream - but I don't know how to talk to him about it.
Basically we only have sex a couple of times a week, I never normally get foreplay (occasionally if I'm not 'ready' enough he'll touch me a bit for a couple of minutes but no oral) and sex never lasts more than 5-10 minutes. I only get oral if (I presume) he's feeling a bit guilty because I haven't had an orgasm the last 3 or more times we've had sex. He only ever seems to want sex as a quickie last thing at night when we drop into bed and I'm shattered, and if I initiate in the morning it is always hurried and with me on top because he is too sleepy to do the work, even if he's got a couple of hours to get himself out of bed and get to uni, it seems like he'd rather be sitting drinking coffee and surfing the net than having sex with me. I can't complain I don't orgasm when we do have sex, I touch myself during and 'help myself along' so I don't go without, but I can only do this when I'm underneath. When I'm on top, I can't come at all, but he never offers to help me finish off, or even seems to wonder if I am satisfied when he knows I haven't had an orgasm (obviously I'm not). He jokingly calls me a 'sex pest' when I try to initiate.
I've tried dropping hints - I've told him I'd like to spend longer on sex, and that I prefer sex during the day when I've got the energy. When we've had sex and I haven't come, and he has just let that be, I've made comments about hoping he's going to be up for a repeat performance later because I'll be feeling frustrated. I've even showed him pictures of positions I like. I told him I could orgasm through intercourse without touching myself if we took our time over it, but he said he didn't think he'd last that long so he was fine with me touching myself. I've also said I don't feel like we have sex often enough. Once, after I'd dropped lots of hints about having sex earlier, he came up to bed about 9 - but it only happened the once before things went back to usual.
He doesn't give me oral sex often - last time was probably about 6 weeks ago? But then he doesn't seem that interested in receiving it either.
The frustrating thing is, in other ways he's a great boyfriend and contrary to how it sounds - I'm just frustrated and a bit resentful - I'm very much in love with him. He'll spend hours cooking me a meal, he's always wanting to go places with me and he's incredibly smart and interesting but he won't put any energy or effort into sex! He doesn't like calling it sex either, he prefers to call it 'making love'. He is very affectionate, but I don't know what to do to get him more interested in spending time on sex. Even in the first months together, he never wanted sex much. Is he just not into sex, or is there any way to ask him tactfully for more without offending him, other than the ways I've tried?
Basically we only have sex a couple of times a week, I never normally get foreplay (occasionally if I'm not 'ready' enough he'll touch me a bit for a couple of minutes but no oral) and sex never lasts more than 5-10 minutes. I only get oral if (I presume) he's feeling a bit guilty because I haven't had an orgasm the last 3 or more times we've had sex. He only ever seems to want sex as a quickie last thing at night when we drop into bed and I'm shattered, and if I initiate in the morning it is always hurried and with me on top because he is too sleepy to do the work, even if he's got a couple of hours to get himself out of bed and get to uni, it seems like he'd rather be sitting drinking coffee and surfing the net than having sex with me. I can't complain I don't orgasm when we do have sex, I touch myself during and 'help myself along' so I don't go without, but I can only do this when I'm underneath. When I'm on top, I can't come at all, but he never offers to help me finish off, or even seems to wonder if I am satisfied when he knows I haven't had an orgasm (obviously I'm not). He jokingly calls me a 'sex pest' when I try to initiate.
I've tried dropping hints - I've told him I'd like to spend longer on sex, and that I prefer sex during the day when I've got the energy. When we've had sex and I haven't come, and he has just let that be, I've made comments about hoping he's going to be up for a repeat performance later because I'll be feeling frustrated. I've even showed him pictures of positions I like. I told him I could orgasm through intercourse without touching myself if we took our time over it, but he said he didn't think he'd last that long so he was fine with me touching myself. I've also said I don't feel like we have sex often enough. Once, after I'd dropped lots of hints about having sex earlier, he came up to bed about 9 - but it only happened the once before things went back to usual.
He doesn't give me oral sex often - last time was probably about 6 weeks ago? But then he doesn't seem that interested in receiving it either.
The frustrating thing is, in other ways he's a great boyfriend and contrary to how it sounds - I'm just frustrated and a bit resentful - I'm very much in love with him. He'll spend hours cooking me a meal, he's always wanting to go places with me and he's incredibly smart and interesting but he won't put any energy or effort into sex! He doesn't like calling it sex either, he prefers to call it 'making love'. He is very affectionate, but I don't know what to do to get him more interested in spending time on sex. Even in the first months together, he never wanted sex much. Is he just not into sex, or is there any way to ask him tactfully for more without offending him, other than the ways I've tried?
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Ouch... I feel sorry for you 
And you're in a tough situation as do you love him... The thing is, a healthy sex life where both people are completely satisfied is important to a relationship. It may not seem worth leaving him over now, but its the type of thing that can build up and effect other areas of your relationship and eventually drive you apart anyway. If ever you're unhappy with your partner or arent getting what YOU want out of the relationship the best thing is always to be honest. Dont hint, you know how oblivious us guys can be 
just be honest, brutally honest and tell him everything you've just said in this thread.
I dont really know what else to tell you good luck!!
And you're in a tough situation as do you love him... The thing is, a healthy sex life where both people are completely satisfied is important to a relationship. It may not seem worth leaving him over now, but its the type of thing that can build up and effect other areas of your relationship and eventually drive you apart anyway. If ever you're unhappy with your partner or arent getting what YOU want out of the relationship the best thing is always to be honest. Dont hint, you know how oblivious us guys can be just be honest, brutally honest and tell him everything you've just said in this thread. I dont really know what else to tell you
good luck!!(edited 14 years ago)
You need to talk to him about it. Sex (mainly the intimacy of it) is a massive part of relationships and it should not be something you can't talk about. You have to be honest with him.
If you're worried about his reaction, try to soften the blow by making any conversation suggestions of what you could do together rather then berating him for the bad things. Eg, we could try this...
Set the scene for a romantic night in, light some candles and have a little heart-to-heart over a drink/some chocolate. It's best to talk then to bottle these things up. Good luck
If you're worried about his reaction, try to soften the blow by making any conversation suggestions of what you could do together rather then berating him for the bad things. Eg, we could try this...
Set the scene for a romantic night in, light some candles and have a little heart-to-heart over a drink/some chocolate. It's best to talk then to bottle these things up. Good luck
Jeez, stop dropping hints and contront him! It's not that hard.
CB91
Jeez, stop dropping hints and contront him! It's not that hard.
That's what she said.
Anonymous
he prefers to call it 'making love'
I was reading the post thinking "Hmm, he sounds a bit gay". Then I read this and thought "Yeah, he's definitely gay".
Tell him to pull his finger out.
Then put it back in.
Repeat this.
Actually, have you tried back passaging?
Try Lingerie, create a mood, make it more special.
Tease the little b**ch.
and then try make it last longer...
go down on him during....
maybe he'll do the same?
Then put it back in.
Repeat this.
Actually, have you tried back passaging?
Try Lingerie, create a mood, make it more special.
Tease the little b**ch.
and then try make it last longer...
go down on him during....
maybe he'll do the same?
HumanNature1992
That's what she said.
That's what she said.
Chumbaniya
I was reading the post thinking "Hmm, he sounds a bit gay". Then I read this and thought "Yeah, he's definitely gay".
He isn't gay, he's had his fair share of girlfriends, he's got porn stashed in his top drawer and it is straight porn.
Funny, he's the last guy you'd expect to be mushy and romantic and cuddly rather than really into sex - he's built, works out at the gym, looks tough...
...and for the guy who said he probably didn't find me attractive enough, thanks for the vote of confidence
He says he loves me, but he seems to want to be all affectionate, rather than sexual so much, and seems more interested in talking to me and doing other stuff with me rather than getting in my knickers.
Anonymous
I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year, and I'm so frustrated with our sex life that I could scream - but I don't know how to talk to him about it.
Basically we only have sex a couple of times a week, I never normally get foreplay (occasionally if I'm not 'ready' enough he'll touch me a bit for a couple of minutes but no oral) and sex never lasts more than 5-10 minutes. I only get oral if (I presume) he's feeling a bit guilty because I haven't had an orgasm the last 3 or more times we've had sex. He only ever seems to want sex as a quickie last thing at night when we drop into bed and I'm shattered, and if I initiate in the morning it is always hurried and with me on top because he is too sleepy to do the work, even if he's got a couple of hours to get himself out of bed and get to uni, it seems like he'd rather be sitting drinking coffee and surfing the net than having sex with me. I can't complain I don't orgasm when we do have sex, I touch myself during and 'help myself along' so I don't go without, but I can only do this when I'm underneath. When I'm on top, I can't come at all, but he never offers to help me finish off, or even seems to wonder if I am satisfied when he knows I haven't had an orgasm (obviously I'm not). He jokingly calls me a 'sex pest' when I try to initiate.
I've tried dropping hints - I've told him I'd like to spend longer on sex, and that I prefer sex during the day when I've got the energy. When we've had sex and I haven't come, and he has just let that be, I've made comments about hoping he's going to be up for a repeat performance later because I'll be feeling frustrated. I've even showed him pictures of positions I like. I told him I could orgasm through intercourse without touching myself if we took our time over it, but he said he didn't think he'd last that long so he was fine with me touching myself. I've also said I don't feel like we have sex often enough. Once, after I'd dropped lots of hints about having sex earlier, he came up to bed about 9 - but it only happened the once before things went back to usual.
He doesn't give me oral sex often - last time was probably about 6 weeks ago? But then he doesn't seem that interested in receiving it either.
The frustrating thing is, in other ways he's a great boyfriend and contrary to how it sounds - I'm just frustrated and a bit resentful - I'm very much in love with him. He'll spend hours cooking me a meal, he's always wanting to go places with me and he's incredibly smart and interesting but he won't put any energy or effort into sex! He doesn't like calling it sex either, he prefers to call it 'making love'. He is very affectionate, but I don't know what to do to get him more interested in spending time on sex. Even in the first months together, he never wanted sex much. Is he just not into sex, or is there any way to ask him tactfully for more without offending him, other than the ways I've tried?
Basically we only have sex a couple of times a week, I never normally get foreplay (occasionally if I'm not 'ready' enough he'll touch me a bit for a couple of minutes but no oral) and sex never lasts more than 5-10 minutes. I only get oral if (I presume) he's feeling a bit guilty because I haven't had an orgasm the last 3 or more times we've had sex. He only ever seems to want sex as a quickie last thing at night when we drop into bed and I'm shattered, and if I initiate in the morning it is always hurried and with me on top because he is too sleepy to do the work, even if he's got a couple of hours to get himself out of bed and get to uni, it seems like he'd rather be sitting drinking coffee and surfing the net than having sex with me. I can't complain I don't orgasm when we do have sex, I touch myself during and 'help myself along' so I don't go without, but I can only do this when I'm underneath. When I'm on top, I can't come at all, but he never offers to help me finish off, or even seems to wonder if I am satisfied when he knows I haven't had an orgasm (obviously I'm not). He jokingly calls me a 'sex pest' when I try to initiate.
I've tried dropping hints - I've told him I'd like to spend longer on sex, and that I prefer sex during the day when I've got the energy. When we've had sex and I haven't come, and he has just let that be, I've made comments about hoping he's going to be up for a repeat performance later because I'll be feeling frustrated. I've even showed him pictures of positions I like. I told him I could orgasm through intercourse without touching myself if we took our time over it, but he said he didn't think he'd last that long so he was fine with me touching myself. I've also said I don't feel like we have sex often enough. Once, after I'd dropped lots of hints about having sex earlier, he came up to bed about 9 - but it only happened the once before things went back to usual.
He doesn't give me oral sex often - last time was probably about 6 weeks ago? But then he doesn't seem that interested in receiving it either.
The frustrating thing is, in other ways he's a great boyfriend and contrary to how it sounds - I'm just frustrated and a bit resentful - I'm very much in love with him. He'll spend hours cooking me a meal, he's always wanting to go places with me and he's incredibly smart and interesting but he won't put any energy or effort into sex! He doesn't like calling it sex either, he prefers to call it 'making love'. He is very affectionate, but I don't know what to do to get him more interested in spending time on sex. Even in the first months together, he never wanted sex much. Is he just not into sex, or is there any way to ask him tactfully for more without offending him, other than the ways I've tried?
was the sex always this bad or was it good and then started to decline?
Anonymous
He isn't gay, he's had his fair share of girlfriends, he's got porn stashed in his top drawer and it is straight porn.
Funny, he's the last guy you'd expect to be mushy and romantic and cuddly rather than really into sex - he's built, works out at the gym, looks tough...
He says he loves me, but he seems to want to be all affectionate, rather than sexual so much, and seems more interested in talking to me and doing other stuff with me rather than getting in my knickers.
Funny, he's the last guy you'd expect to be mushy and romantic and cuddly rather than really into sex - he's built, works out at the gym, looks tough...
He says he loves me, but he seems to want to be all affectionate, rather than sexual so much, and seems more interested in talking to me and doing other stuff with me rather than getting in my knickers.
Plenty of gay guys have had girlfriends and work out.
The last paragraph definitely suggests that he's at least a bit camp.
Kiwiiiii
You just don't click in bed ...that is bad
I left my ex for that!
I left my ex for that!
how meaaaan!
Anonymous
I'm so frustrated with our sex life that I could scream
I bet you could
Confront him. Im pretty sure both of you can work that out.
Make him horny or maybe he's just not comfortable with you yet that he's too shy to do the positions you were talking about.
Make him horny or maybe he's just not comfortable with you yet that he's too shy to do the positions you were talking about.
kristinaalovesu
how meaaaan!
Why ? Good sex is one of the main subjects if you want a healthy relationship. Can you survive 1 year with a 10 minute sex every now and then + she don't like oral + nothing except 3 positions cuz she is shy .. well thanks but no thanks. Call me a bad guy but I prefer a decent sex life.
Anonymous
I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year, and I'm so frustrated with our sex life that I could scream - but I don't know how to talk to him about it.
Basically we only have sex a couple of times a week, I never normally get foreplay (occasionally if I'm not 'ready' enough he'll touch me a bit for a couple of minutes but no oral) and sex never lasts more than 5-10 minutes. I only get oral if (I presume) he's feeling a bit guilty because I haven't had an orgasm the last 3 or more times we've had sex. He only ever seems to want sex as a quickie last thing at night when we drop into bed and I'm shattered, and if I initiate in the morning it is always hurried and with me on top because he is too sleepy to do the work, even if he's got a couple of hours to get himself out of bed and get to uni, it seems like he'd rather be sitting drinking coffee and surfing the net than having sex with me. I can't complain I don't orgasm when we do have sex, I touch myself during and 'help myself along' so I don't go without, but I can only do this when I'm underneath. When I'm on top, I can't come at all, but he never offers to help me finish off, or even seems to wonder if I am satisfied when he knows I haven't had an orgasm (obviously I'm not). He jokingly calls me a 'sex pest' when I try to initiate.
I've tried dropping hints - I've told him I'd like to spend longer on sex, and that I prefer sex during the day when I've got the energy. When we've had sex and I haven't come, and he has just let that be, I've made comments about hoping he's going to be up for a repeat performance later because I'll be feeling frustrated. I've even showed him pictures of positions I like. I told him I could orgasm through intercourse without touching myself if we took our time over it, but he said he didn't think he'd last that long so he was fine with me touching myself. I've also said I don't feel like we have sex often enough. Once, after I'd dropped lots of hints about having sex earlier, he came up to bed about 9 - but it only happened the once before things went back to usual.
He doesn't give me oral sex often - last time was probably about 6 weeks ago? But then he doesn't seem that interested in receiving it either.
The frustrating thing is, in other ways he's a great boyfriend and contrary to how it sounds - I'm just frustrated and a bit resentful - I'm very much in love with him. He'll spend hours cooking me a meal, he's always wanting to go places with me and he's incredibly smart and interesting but he won't put any energy or effort into sex! He doesn't like calling it sex either, he prefers to call it 'making love'. He is very affectionate, but I don't know what to do to get him more interested in spending time on sex. Even in the first months together, he never wanted sex much. Is he just not into sex, or is there any way to ask him tactfully for more without offending him, other than the ways I've tried?
Basically we only have sex a couple of times a week, I never normally get foreplay (occasionally if I'm not 'ready' enough he'll touch me a bit for a couple of minutes but no oral) and sex never lasts more than 5-10 minutes. I only get oral if (I presume) he's feeling a bit guilty because I haven't had an orgasm the last 3 or more times we've had sex. He only ever seems to want sex as a quickie last thing at night when we drop into bed and I'm shattered, and if I initiate in the morning it is always hurried and with me on top because he is too sleepy to do the work, even if he's got a couple of hours to get himself out of bed and get to uni, it seems like he'd rather be sitting drinking coffee and surfing the net than having sex with me. I can't complain I don't orgasm when we do have sex, I touch myself during and 'help myself along' so I don't go without, but I can only do this when I'm underneath. When I'm on top, I can't come at all, but he never offers to help me finish off, or even seems to wonder if I am satisfied when he knows I haven't had an orgasm (obviously I'm not). He jokingly calls me a 'sex pest' when I try to initiate.
I've tried dropping hints - I've told him I'd like to spend longer on sex, and that I prefer sex during the day when I've got the energy. When we've had sex and I haven't come, and he has just let that be, I've made comments about hoping he's going to be up for a repeat performance later because I'll be feeling frustrated. I've even showed him pictures of positions I like. I told him I could orgasm through intercourse without touching myself if we took our time over it, but he said he didn't think he'd last that long so he was fine with me touching myself. I've also said I don't feel like we have sex often enough. Once, after I'd dropped lots of hints about having sex earlier, he came up to bed about 9 - but it only happened the once before things went back to usual.
He doesn't give me oral sex often - last time was probably about 6 weeks ago? But then he doesn't seem that interested in receiving it either.
The frustrating thing is, in other ways he's a great boyfriend and contrary to how it sounds - I'm just frustrated and a bit resentful - I'm very much in love with him. He'll spend hours cooking me a meal, he's always wanting to go places with me and he's incredibly smart and interesting but he won't put any energy or effort into sex! He doesn't like calling it sex either, he prefers to call it 'making love'. He is very affectionate, but I don't know what to do to get him more interested in spending time on sex. Even in the first months together, he never wanted sex much. Is he just not into sex, or is there any way to ask him tactfully for more without offending him, other than the ways I've tried?
Wait if you're doing most of the work youself why not take him out of the equation altogether
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