This discussion is now closed.

Check out other Related discussions

Would appreciate a little relationship advice..

You know when something's bothering you so much that you can't stop thinking about anything but it and it starts to take over your life and everyday thoughts? I'm stuck in a bit of a rut..

Have been in a long distance relationship (both when at home and at uni) with a girl that I genuinely think the world of for about the last 2 years, and we're both at the beginning of our second year of uni, at opposite ends of the country. I'm not going to beat around the bush.. things have always been tough, we're both have similar (and equally moody and attention-seeking) characters, and when we've not got each other's attention in the past we've always fought for it. And occasionally that's led to fallings-out. But somehow we've managed to stay together - i always used to be certain that it was because we adored each other and were wholeheartedly in love. That's a strong word, yes, but i'm not a kid.. i'm in love with the girl, she knows that I am. We know each other incredibly well, shared pretty much every thought (from my perspective, anyway) and often used to talk and dream about a serious future together. She's my everything, and when we're together nothing else in the world matters.. when we're apart for a few weeks i crave her company and her kisses and cuddles. I'd be speaking to her about this right now, nobody is closer to me.. but I wanted the opinions of outsiders this time - perhaps for reassurance, or for a kick up the arse.

Until perhaps the middle of this past summer, we'd spend hours on end talking on MSN, would txt all day long, and generally be in touch with each other's lives despite the distance. There'd be the occasional falling-out or argument, but the only reason for it would be the fact that we couldn't get enough of each other's attention:
If she'd spent an evening out with friends and I'd ask about it only to hear "yeah, it was great" .. I'd feel left out and get a little upset. Meanwhile she'd be wary of telling me too much and making me upset that she was having a great time without me. It's mainly my fault for putting her in the kind of situation where she can't win, I realise.. but I only want to be a part of her life.
If she'd been pissed off for a few days and not wanted to tell me what was wrong because it's none of my business, I'd just bite my tongue and try to be the patient boyfriend.. trying my best to cheer her up nonetheless. But I'm not always the most patient of characters - if I had a conversation with her and it was entirely one-sided, only to hear "yeah I guess" and "if you want" to questions and so on, I'd get frustrated.. and bring up the matter, asking her what the problem was and not to take it out on me. But that only comes across as me "having a go" :frown:

.. which makes her state of mind even worse.

.. those are just a couple of examples, really.. the point being that I'm not trying to portray myself as a saint, more to show that we have had a fairly volatile relationship. But ultimately a very loving one, and one in which we've both felt very certain and secure. And wanted, too. Enough ranting.. the problem is that recently, since she's been back from a summer family holiday.. things have kinda changed. She was initially adamant that her having time off from her ordinary life and meanwhile having time to think about it, had made her come to the conclusion that she really wanted and loved me. I was flattered and felt amazing about how we'd be turning over a new leaf.. but over the course of the next few weeks, what with the stress of working all day to pay off overdrafts and credit cards, we had more stupid arguments. They weren't even arguments, they were just stupid little things that you can't sort out with a simple kiss as in a normal relationship- it's all the fault of the distance. Things like her not having a huge amount of time to talk to me because of being ill, spending time with friends and working.. which meant that i felt like she'd forgotten about me. Even when she did go out and have fun, I didn't hear anything about it, when I'd expected her to go "ah yeah it was cool, we did this this and this, we had a great time" .. I ended up getting arsey, basically. What I haven't mentioned until now is that we're both very stubborn people, and when we'd done something that had irritated or upset the other in the past we'd always end up intentionally not texting each other.. which always got out of hand, both of us not wanting to be the first to apologise or make a move to sort it out. You might not understand, but it's difficult to explain.

Anyway, at this point things just didn't go right for us .. my girlfriend got a new puppy and was working whenever she wasn't spending time looking after it. I was working 40+ hours a week and couldn't get access to a computer for the entire time.. we rarely speak on the phone because it's inconvenient and she doesn't like talking that way. For the last 3 weeks or so, I was asked to understand that she wasn't being horrible, neglecting me, or ignoring me.. she just needed time to herself to think about her own life rather than 'us'. It was hard to take, but understandable because the fallings-out had been one time too many, and we've been giving our relationship "one last chance" time and time again since the beginning of the year.. I continued to text a couple of times a day, because she'd said that she "couldn't handle" cutting me out of her life altogether. But I never got any random spontaneous texts from her. It felt like she just wanted me when she had no other attention.

Last weekend we saw each other for the first time in 3 weeks .. the first time since being at uni in the second year, and it was basically my opportunity to see if we were still right together.. to find out how she felt about us. It was lovely to see her.. I'll never forget how it feels to be with her for the rest of my life, no matter what happens, and things felt the same to me. Except for one thing missing.. intimacy. Every cuddle or kiss, except maybe one or two, was initiated by me.. and it didn't always feel as though it was appreciated. But that aside, we tried to use the time to find out whether we were still best friends, above all else. To me it felt like we were, and my feelings for her are as intense as they ever have been - we spent hours talking about lots of different things, but our relationship wasn't really one of them. She was very confused every time I brought the subject up - I wanted to leave knowing that we were together properly or whether I should start moving on, that's all. At times she said that she really wanted me, and that she thought the world of me.. she sat on my knees, facing me, and told me that she loved me. But somehow at other times she said that she'd been speaking to one of her best friends from home, and told her that she "didn't feel the same [about us] any more" .. she admitted that she felt like "something was missing physically" between us, and she said that she didn't want sex or any kind of intimacy.

I left on monday morning feeling utterly in love with the girl, but a little messed around and confused. Infact.. a lot. I don't know what to think - am i supposed to be patient and let our relationship grow into what it once was? Am i supposed to have taken the opportunity to move on? I can't let go of her, but somehow something's telling me that she wants me to.. perhaps she wants to be free, and all this is just to make me fed up of her. But then why wouldn't she just have told me so and ended things? I wish she'd just talk to me and be honest, rather than pissed off with life and me all the time. All i want is her.

Sorry to rant on for so long.. if you've managed to make it this far, congrats! And feel free to add any comments or advice you might have.. it's been really useful to let this all out.

Reply 1

Ruhr_Phantom

1

People can be so funny sometimes, its hard to knw what to do, although saying things like that is not gonna help you. Perhaps if you give her some space to work out what is going on, either she will decide that there is nothing left there anymore or she will realise that she really loves you and wants you. Waiting is difficult but if you keep persuing it you might just end up pushing her away. :biggrin:

Reply 2

Leigh

15

I apologise in advance; after all that explaining, I feel any response I could give will be inadequet.

It sounds like you have a lot going for the pair of you that you really don't want to lose. If I was in that situation, I think (I've never been there to know), I'd think seriously about what I wanted, and try to factor her in after; she seems to be going after what she wants so you should do the same.
If you still want her, and are patient enough to wait it out, tell her you understand her situation and are willing to see what happens; be willing to compromise and see if you both can ride it out. It seems a lot of the problem is outside influences, like the puppy and the distance, as opposed to a direct problem between the two of you? I may be wrong there, but if that's the case, it might be beneficial to take it easy for a while and see what happens. The best thing to do is talk about it; it's not going to go away so don't try to pretend it isn't there.

On the other hand, if you aren't happy waiting, tell her so. Explain how confused you feel and that you don't think she's being fair on you and you want to work out a solution now.

The worst thing you could probably do is not do anything about it; either explaining you want to wait or making the two of you come to a conclusion and losing her completely. Maybe due to circumstances or whatever it won't be possible that the two of you stay together (I hope not), but surely in that case you'd want to do it as a mutual thing and both accept it and stay close; losing your girlfriend and a close friend is twice as bad as just losing a girlfriend, right?

I'm not sure how well I've explained myself, but I've tried to explain what I think I'd do. Whether it fits your situation at all, or if it's any use, I don't know, but best of luck with it all the same.

Reply 3

Ruhr_Phantom

1

KingLeigh

I apologise in advance; after all that explaining, I feel any response I could give will be inadequet.

It sounds like you have a lot going for the pair of you that you really don't want to lose. If I was in that situation, I think (I've never been there to know), I'd think seriously about what I wanted, and try to factor her in after; she seems to be going after what she wants so you should do the same.
If you still want her, and are patient enough to wait it out, tell her you understand her situation and are willing to see what happens; be willing to compromise and see if you both can ride it out. It seems a lot of the problem is outside influences, like the puppy and the distance, as opposed to a direct problem between the two of you? I may be wrong there, but if that's the case, it might be beneficial to take it easy for a while and see what happens. The best thing to do is talk about it; it's not going to go away so don't try to pretend it isn't there.

On the other hand, if you aren't happy waiting, tell her so. Explain how confused you feel and that you don't think she's being fair on you and you want to work out a solution now.

The worst thing you could probably do is not do anything about it; either explaining you want to wait or making the two of you come to a conclusion and losing her completely. Maybe due to circumstances or whatever it won't be possible that the two of you stay together (I hope not), but surely in that case you'd want to do it as a mutual thing and both accept it and stay close; losing your girlfriend and a close friend is twice as bad as just losing a girlfriend, right?

I'm not sure how well I've explained myself, but I've tried to explain what I think I'd do. Whether it fits your situation at all, or if it's any use, I don't know, but best of luck with it all the same.

Good piece of advice :smile:

thread too long.

Not everything can be summed up in three sentances!

Reply 6

SammyL

OP

Thankyou both very much for the advice, it's been really reassuring and useful. Like you say, Leigh, i've just got to be patient and compromise I guess.. and it's always been the case that more often than not the problem is to do with outside influences, yeah. As far as I can see, we're great together and always have been.. she's always said the same too. I do feel like she's been less willing to give 'us' a chance recently, to an extent, but again that's partly my fault for being so impatient and arsey. The way i think about it, during my more sane moments like this, is why would she have been txting me every day when she was on holiday in the Med? If she didn't want me, she could easily have forgotten about me. Without sounding like an arrogant, pretentious (?) bugger, sometimes I'm just scared that she cares about me too much to tell me straight that she doesn't feel the same. Yeah, i'm paranoid :redface:

Anyway, fingers crossed we'll grow into our relationship was once was, because like you say (again!) we've got far too much going for us for me to just give up on that.

Oh, and just for the record.. I agree about the length of the thread! But nobody said you had to read it all. :smile:

Reply 7

saz_1989

2

Us females are weird. Sometimes when we're annoyed, we know it's for a stupid reason, and hence we don't say anything, but we act funny. The best way to get her out of this strange mood is to just show her how much you love her; even the iciest heart will melt to that soon enough.

Reply 8

SammyL

OP

L.J

Us females are weird. Sometimes when we're annoyed, we know it's for a stupid reason, and hence we don't say anything, but we act funny. The best way to get her out of this strange mood is to just show her how much you love her; even the iciest heart will melt to that soon enough.

Heh ja, I'll try my best! Patience is a virtue, and I wasn't born with any :redface:

But she means a hell of a lot to me, so if I can remind myself not to be an arse she'll be worth waiting for.

Reply 9

kriztinae

14

wow long thread!
anyway a mate of mine is i think in somewhat a similar situation.
he loves his girfriend so much and distance is a huge problem in their life etc.
if you can be patient then yes be patient but its unfair on you to be.
think you should speak to her about how u feel, just like you've managed to tell us all about it and we are complete strangers.
she seems confused and unsure what she wants. she clearly loves you but she must be afraid of something? maybe shes afraid of getting into that last argument which will ruin the relationship for good? i know i was like that and i was scared of losing him.
she wants the attention and your love and everything but maybe she feels that giving each other a bit of space will decrease the amount of arguments.
whatever it is at the end of the day i think talking to her will help this situation,. but not on msn or text, face to face. thats the only way you can ever get anything out of anyone truly and honestly.
good luck with whatever you do :smile:

Reply 10

RoCkPoRt

its unfair for her to be behaving in the way she is. to be perfectly blunt, it sounds like she has, or is, falling out of love with you. confront her with your feelings and a solution, if you have one, and dont let her get out of answering any questions about your relationship you may have. if you arent happy with the answers and where your relationship is headed, get out of it, cause you'll end up hurt much more badly a little while down the line.

Reply 11

SammyL

OP

Hmm.. that's an incredibly difficult statement to just accept, but i appreciate your honesty - that's probably how things come across. Perhaps it's just me that has to wake up and accept that, but there's still a very big part of me that wonders why she doesn't just tell me, if she's falling out of love with me. Maybe she doesn't know if she is herself.

I don't want to back her into a corner and fire a million questions at her, because that's not a nice way to go about things - it seems a bit hostile, and maybe i'm an idiot but i'd rather her show me how she feels, either way. Yeah, the lack of intimacy last weekend was a pretty sure sign you might say, but what am i supposed to do when she tells me "i do love you y'know.." - sit there and say "no you don't"..?! Like kriztinae said, maybe she's just been afraid of getting into that last argument which would ruin the relationship for good.. and so that's been the only logical thing for her to do, us have some space between us. And then maybe those few weeks have made her less willing to be physically close to someone.. *shrug*

Ahh, it's all a bit too complicated..! Cheers for your advice, guys..

Reply 12

RoCkPoRt

yes, the truth often is ****ing hard to accept, but thats just the way **** goes, you know what i mean? i've been in your position before, trust me, and i did what advised you to do, and i'm glad i did. but ultimately you gotta make your own choices and all that. she WON'T tell you she is falling out of love with you - girls are NOT that honest, no matter what they claim. hell, i doubt anyone would say that to their S.O. i am not suggesting backing her into a corner and beginning a verbal assault - just lay down what you really want to know, and if she can't answer a few simple questions, you know for a fact you don't have anything. sorry to be so blunt, but thats the way **** slides. yes, if she says she loves you, but acts conversely, you DO have to come out and say '********'. call your S.O. when they blatantly are ripping the **** out of your trust, harsh as it may seem. its not worth ****ing yourself up over. nobody is EVER going to be worth as much as you.. EVER, trust me.

Would appreciate a little relationship advice..

Related discussions

Articles for you