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Has anyone ever lost a parent?

My mum died of cancer a couple of years ago and I sometimes feel alone because no-one else my age seems to have been through anything as traumatic. I have to act like an adult at home and then struggle to act 'younger' at college, it's really difficult!

Can anybody on here relate to this?

Reply 1

Finlayson

I can't no, but I have 3 close mates that have each lost a parent in the last few years and I must say I noticed a change in maturity in 1 of them, I can't imagine what it must be like and pray I never find out.

Reply 2

username21537

2

ive lost them in the sense that ill never see them again

Its a long story but in short i dont talk to or see them and they not to me.

Reply 3

Juno

20

My mum died of cancer when I was 15

Reply 4

dave

elbow_fan

My mum died of cancer a couple of years ago and I sometimes feel alone because no-one else my age seems to have been through anything as traumatic. I have to act like an adult at home and then struggle to act 'younger' at college, it's really difficult!

Can anybody on here relate to this?

Yes, I was 14 when my mum died - I was in school at the time and a master came to tell me to get to the hospital asap.
The one thing I can say to you though is don't attempt to act "younger" at college - the only person that'll suffer because of that is you. I found that I grew up very quickly as dad, for a while, wasn't able to cope at all - he and mum had been so much in love. (Yes, love is possible for "old farts". :biggrin:

I had exactly the same feelings of "being alone" in exactly the same circumstances as you, although as time passed, it made me less and less dependent on others, and taught me to rely on no-one but myself.
I hope this is of some help to you. :smile:

Reply 5

Apricot Fairy

16

Good thread. It must be terrible to lose a parent.

Reply 6

kateykat

OP

bodhisattva

Yes, I was 14 when my mum died - I was in school at the time and a master came to tell me to get to the hospital asap.
The one thing I can say to you though is don't attempt to act "younger" at college - the only person that'll suffer because of that is you. I found that I grew up very quickly as dad, for a while, wasn't able to cope at all - he and mum had been so much in love. (Yes, love is possible for "old farts". :biggrin:

I had exactly the same feelings of "being alone" in exactly the same circumstances as you, although as time passed, it made me less and less dependent on others, and taught me to rely on no-one but myself.
I hope this is of some help to you. :smile:

Thanks for that! I remember I was in an English lesson at school when the deputy headteacher came in to get me. It was terrible, there was silence and I was like: "Oh god, this is it" I was left to sit in the foyer for at least an hour because my dad was late picking me up, and when the head of year came to ask me if I was ok I started crying because I just didn't know what to expect when I got to the hospital.

About being dependent on others, I find that too. I don't depend upon anyone but myself (I don't know if that's good or bad) because I've been let down by people so many times. I can do so much for myself now that other people my age have never done. I don't have a mum to cook and make me packed lunches, so I do that myself. I've also learnt how to deal with things emotionally and I have a more reasoned outlook on the world. I never take anything for granted anymore either. I took my mum for granted way too much and it now pisses me off when I see other people do the same. I don't get on with my dad, but I still respect the fact that he keeps a roof over my head; most other people never think about it.

Reply 7

Talya

16

My dad died on 4th November 2002. He was dying for 2 weeks. I miss him but he is suffering much less now. My parents were divorced so I guess I was lucky; yes, my mum was sad but her life wasn't over like she would have felt it was if they'd still been married.

Losing parents is ghey.

I have to give an assembly on the topic of 'Accountability' on the anniversary of his death. Which just so isn't funny at all. Gah.

Reply 8

vin

15

I lost my dad back when i was 11, things were ok though we had lots of family and friends around at the time.

Reply 9

dave

elbow_fan

About being dependent on others, I find that too. I don't depend upon anyone but myself (I don't know if that's good or bad) because I've been let down by people so many times. I can do so much for myself now that other people my age have never done. I don't have a mum to cook and make me packed lunches, so I do that myself. I've also learnt how to deal with things emotionally and I have a more reasoned outlook on the world. I never take anything for granted anymore either. I took my mum for granted way too much and it now pisses me off when I see other people do the same. I don't get on with my dad, but I still respect the fact that he keeps a roof over my head; most other people never think about it.

I think you'll find it's all going to be good for you. Unfortunately it's a hell of a way to learn - but I think it'll stand you in good stead. Judging from what you said about "taking your mum for granted", and the comment about your dad - I think it already has. :smile:

Reply 10

yorkshirelass

14

I haven't lost a parent permanently, but watching my mum go further and further downhill mentally and physically through alcoholism and manic depression over about five years was like she was dying every day. Plus my Dad had his own problems with drink and low self-esteem. Now that's she's a lot better, I definitely don't take her for granted like I did when I was really little. Both my parents admire me for what I've been through and 'coping' as well as I have, but sometimes I think they don't realise that it has affected me. I don't think I'll ever get over some of the more traumatic experiences (having her brought home by police/being in a car with her drink driving/coming home to a pool of blood, etc) in the same way as I don't think people who lose parents can ever really get over it; plus I don't think you ought to be expected to. Although I think such experiences can mature you, I don't think adults should automatically expect maturity. Sometimes I want to act like a fool to make up for all the times I had to keep it together in order to not go insane, but I'm not allowed to.

I can definitely see where you're coming from when you say you feel different to other people, though. I have a really low tolerance for people who waste their lives: bunking school, turning up late for important things, having little respect, etc, and my friends think I should lighten up. Sometimes really stupid things make me cry and people just think I'm weird. Most of my friends have really stable homes and untarnished hopes and dreams, so sometimes I feel like I'm just the bitter, cynical girl who they can't understand and I can't understand them.

I know it sounds hard, but I guess once you get past the teen years that are tough to begin with without the added trauma of losing a parent like you guys have, people will start to recognise you for the assets you have obtained through going through trauma. Wisdom and maturity aren't things you can get with age.

Reply 11

......?

My mums dad died when she was 13 and then her mum when she was 16 but she is a really strong independent person now.

Reply 12

AT82

My uncle died a few weeks leaving his MS suffering wife on her own (the two sons have now graduated and moved on) this means that all his pension money will be needed to pay for 24/7 carers.

I have an old school friend and her mother died of cancer when she was 16, she had to bring up her brothers all by herself, I have seen her brothers about and they seem very nice respectful people.

It must be so hard to have bring up kids at such a young age after loosing a parent.

Its truely tragic when people die young.

Reply 13

Sync

14

I've know a guy who lost his mum a few years back to cancer, and he has matured considerably since then - obviously still has a laugh though, but he seems to have 'changed', but in a good way. :smile:

It's awful when people pass away young: My mum just went to a funeral today of a 30 year old bloke who was killed in a car crash. :frown:

Reply 14

kateykat

OP

yelwalkietalkie

I haven't lost a parent permanently, but watching my mum go further and further downhill mentally and physically through alcoholism and manic depression over about five years was like she was dying every day. Plus my Dad had his own problems with drink and low self-esteem. Now that's she's a lot better, I definitely don't take her for granted like I did when I was really little. Both my parents admire me for what I've been through and 'coping' as well as I have, but sometimes I think they don't realise that it has affected me. I don't think I'll ever get over some of the more traumatic experiences (having her brought home by police/being in a car with her drink driving/coming home to a pool of blood, etc) in the same way as I don't think people who lose parents can ever really get over it; plus I don't think you ought to be expected to. Although I think such experiences can mature you, I don't think adults should automatically expect maturity. Sometimes I want to act like a fool to make up for all the times I had to keep it together in order to not go insane, but I'm not allowed to.

I can definitely see where you're coming from when you say you feel different to other people, though. I have a really low tolerance for people who waste their lives: bunking school, turning up late for important things, having little respect, etc, and my friends think I should lighten up. Sometimes really stupid things make me cry and people just think I'm weird. Most of my friends have really stable homes and untarnished hopes and dreams, so sometimes I feel like I'm just the bitter, cynical girl who they can't understand and I can't understand them.

I know it sounds hard, but I guess once you get past the teen years that are tough to begin with without the added trauma of losing a parent like you guys have, people will start to recognise you for the assets you have obtained through going through trauma. Wisdom and maturity aren't things you can get with age.

I know what you mean about not being able to forget the traumatic experiences. In terms of death, people who have not been in the centre of it all just think: "She died...that's really sad". But for me it's more like: "I watched her slowly deteriorate and I had to deal with this on my own". It feels like her dying was such a small part of what actually happened, if that makes sense. Little things broke my heart during the last few months of her life, like hearing her cry quietly on the day she went into the hospice, not being able to see her for 2 days at a time because she was too tired to get out of bed and watching her dying in bed with a tumour filled tummy and tubes everywhere. I would constantly be asked how she was and I had to say "she's fine" because it was a question that was constantly slipped into normal conversation and I couldn't answer it truthfully without breaking down.

There was also a tremendous amount of relief when she died, simply because I didn't have to see those terrifying and heartbreaking things anymore. No 15 year old should ever have to see what I saw.

Yeah as you say, teen years are difficult enough as it is! I was teased all the way school and even had to sit in a science lesson once hearing some idiot crack cancer jokes (how ANYONE can find them funny is beyond me). I now feel like a bitter and cynical girl too, I suppose it's only natural after what we've been through.

Reply 15

Gem

14

It's awful when someone you love dies, especially when they're young like AT82 and SyncMaster_770 say, my friend died last month of cancer, he was just 22. It seems like such a waste :frown:

Losing a parent is one of the most painful thing you can go through, my thoughts are with you and your family :hugs:

Reply 16

kateykat

OP

SyncMaster_770

I've know a guy who lost his mum a few years back to cancer, and he has matured considerably since then - obviously still has a laugh though, but he seems to have 'changed', but in a good way. :smile:

It's awful when people pass away young: My mum just went to a funeral today of a 30 year old bloke who was killed in a car crash. :frown:

Yeah it is awful, 30 is so young. :frown:

I heard something a couple of weeks ago about a 30 year old woman with a newborn baby who found out she had terminal cancer. It's just something I can't begin to get my head around.

Reply 17

Cherry Kisses

13

*hugs* to all of you out there who have lost a parent.

Reply 18

Gem

14

elbow_fan

Yeah it is awful, 30 is so young. :frown:

I heard something a couple of weeks ago about a 30 year old woman with a newborn baby who found out she had terminal cancer. It's just something I can't begin to get my head around.

Thats just awful, for the woman and for her baby too :frown:

Reply 19

saz_1989

2

I know of two 11 year old girls, both of who's dads died during the summer. My sister's friend's dad died a few years ago, she must have been either 9 or 10 at the time. And closer to home, I have a couple of friends who only have one parent. It does get easier, but there are always things that will upset you.

Has anyone ever lost a parent?

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