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Dealing with the death of my sister...
Well... my sister died on Tuesday morning, and I'm finding the whole grieving process entirely alien. I realise it's going to be hard, however I seem to be dealing with it in an unconventional way. I've just started university, and have made loads of new friends and settled in well. This came as a shock because I had a pretty hard upbringing - my mum is an alcoholic and my sister was a heroin addict. Throughout my life I'd felt uneasy and totally lacked any feeling of stability. I'd also learnt to shut myself off from the family problems, I'd never cry or anything - mainly because there would be nobody there to comfort me.
Now that Natalie has died though, I realise that I have to confront my past, and it's an incredibly daunting prospect. Since I'm in Sheffield and all my family are on the Isle of Man, I haven't seen them yet. Tomorrow I'm meeting my dad in Glasgow (where his family is from), and then I'll be going back for the funeral in a couple of weeks. While I've been speaking to them, they've been saying how they can hardly eat or sleep - and can not stop crying. I've cried a few times, and Natalie is always on my mind - but I've just got on with it apart from that. Tonight I've been in one of the flats dancing my arse off, seemingly happier than ever. We were singing Oasis songs as well, they were her favourite band so it was like a tribute to her.
I just feel that if my family could see my acting like this, they'd think I was really cold and that I'm not bothered. But I really do care, Natalie was my only sister, and before she became addicted to drugs she was my best friend.
Just wondered if anyone has any advice or could share their experiences... I'd really appreciate it
Now that Natalie has died though, I realise that I have to confront my past, and it's an incredibly daunting prospect. Since I'm in Sheffield and all my family are on the Isle of Man, I haven't seen them yet. Tomorrow I'm meeting my dad in Glasgow (where his family is from), and then I'll be going back for the funeral in a couple of weeks. While I've been speaking to them, they've been saying how they can hardly eat or sleep - and can not stop crying. I've cried a few times, and Natalie is always on my mind - but I've just got on with it apart from that. Tonight I've been in one of the flats dancing my arse off, seemingly happier than ever. We were singing Oasis songs as well, they were her favourite band so it was like a tribute to her.
I just feel that if my family could see my acting like this, they'd think I was really cold and that I'm not bothered. But I really do care, Natalie was my only sister, and before she became addicted to drugs she was my best friend.
Just wondered if anyone has any advice or could share their experiences... I'd really appreciate it
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Sorry to hear that SophistiCat...
I dont really know what to say as i dont feel you were asking anything particularly, so i'll just say, that if that's your way of dealing, that's your way of dealing...it may be that it just doesnt sink in until a lot longer, but it doesnt mean you should change anything or force feelings.
Hugs.x
I dont really know what to say as i dont feel you were asking anything particularly, so i'll just say, that if that's your way of dealing, that's your way of dealing...it may be that it just doesnt sink in until a lot longer, but it doesnt mean you should change anything or force feelings.
Hugs.x
Fleece
Sorry to hear that SophistiCat...
I dont really know what to say as i dont feel you were asking anything particularly, so i'll just say, that if that's your way of dealing, that's your way of dealing...it may be that it just doesnt sink in until a lot longer, but it doesnt mean you should change anything or force feelings.
Hugs.x
I dont really know what to say as i dont feel you were asking anything particularly, so i'll just say, that if that's your way of dealing, that's your way of dealing...it may be that it just doesnt sink in until a lot longer, but it doesnt mean you should change anything or force feelings.
Hugs.x
Thanks - I've just edited it a little.. hey you're from Chesterfield - that's where my boyfriend lives
Thats harsh...
I'm soo sorry...
And here i am feling sorry for myself for stupid reasons..
But done feel guilty about having fun... I mean just because ur a strong person and have gotten used to not becoming very emotional it deosnt mean u dont care...
Although u should let it out if its bothering u, talk to someone about it, itll help...
GOOD LUCK
I'm soo sorry...
And here i am feling sorry for myself for stupid reasons..
But done feel guilty about having fun... I mean just because ur a strong person and have gotten used to not becoming very emotional it deosnt mean u dont care...
Although u should let it out if its bothering u, talk to someone about it, itll help...
GOOD LUCK
My Grandma died while I was away at uni in my first year, and though it's not in circumstances anywhere near as bad as yours, the feeling of "my family are all grieving and I'm not involved" was definitely there. I had to go home for the funeral and I still didn't properly feel quite part of things because although I'd known everything was going on, I hadn't actually been there.
Different people respond to grief differently, and not crying does not necessarily make you a bad person, or mean that you don't miss your sister as much as the rest of your family do. I think it's better that you remember your sister in a happy way, rather than crying over all the sad things that happened to her.
Different people respond to grief differently, and not crying does not necessarily make you a bad person, or mean that you don't miss your sister as much as the rest of your family do. I think it's better that you remember your sister in a happy way, rather than crying over all the sad things that happened to her.
My Grandma die when I was 10 years old, people thought that i could not understand anth, coz I was too little, but I did understand and after 10 years I still remember every min of that day, how my mom told me that and how funerial was...she was so kind to me and will be always in my heart...
It is always hard to lose someone...especially someone you really loved and cared...but you need to be strong...and I am really sorry...
and they way you reacted, theer is nothing bad in that...different people react on this kind of thigs in different ways...
It is always hard to lose someone...especially someone you really loved and cared...but you need to be strong...and I am really sorry...
and they way you reacted, theer is nothing bad in that...different people react on this kind of thigs in different ways...
Maybe you are in shock/denial. I would guess that when you get home it will hit you a lot harder.
Do Not confuse your love for your sister with the amount of time that you feel you should morn her. Being happy or laughing after your sisters death does not mean that you love her any less. Many people make this mistake and consciously live in a perpetual state of misery. They feel that they have to be sad and that by doing so it will express how much they loved this person. Your sister wouldn’t want you to cry every time you think of her. She’d want you to smile and laugh as you remembered your moments together. So I think that your sister would be glad that you are not letting this cripple you.
I believe that our personalities are a collection of those who have been close to us in our lives. All the time you spent with her had to rub off on you and her existence is now alive within you and it always will be. Try to keep that in mind in the days ahead.
My heart goes out to you, hang in there
Do Not confuse your love for your sister with the amount of time that you feel you should morn her. Being happy or laughing after your sisters death does not mean that you love her any less. Many people make this mistake and consciously live in a perpetual state of misery. They feel that they have to be sad and that by doing so it will express how much they loved this person. Your sister wouldn’t want you to cry every time you think of her. She’d want you to smile and laugh as you remembered your moments together. So I think that your sister would be glad that you are not letting this cripple you.
I believe that our personalities are a collection of those who have been close to us in our lives. All the time you spent with her had to rub off on you and her existence is now alive within you and it always will be. Try to keep that in mind in the days ahead.
My heart goes out to you, hang in there
im really sorry about your sister. imo, you are dealing with it in a v good way. its ok to be still go out and have a good time. its brilliant that even though you are mourning her, you can still manage to go out and have a enjoy yourself. i dont know many people who could do that, i know i couldnt. would your sister want you to be out having a good time, making loads of new friends, or sitting or your room, staying in and dwelling on it? there is no wrong or right way to deal with death, everyone has different ways of doing it.
I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. It's a terrible tragedy and I appreciate it's at a very difficult time for you. My dad died half way through my first year, and I felt like I had to hold it together and carry on when really I felt quite wobbly inside.
Don't pretend to be ok, just let your emotions come out as they seem fit. You can grieve in many different ways, crying is just one of them, being happy is a good thing - it's good you can still see joy in the day and I'm sure your sister would be smiling down on you. I found it hard to deal with the fact my mum was crying non stop and I didn't feel like that, just remeber each experience of a bereavement is very different, it's completely unique and try and respect others feelings and hopefully your family will respect yours and how you are coping. PM me if you ever want to chat, you aren't alone.
Don't pretend to be ok, just let your emotions come out as they seem fit. You can grieve in many different ways, crying is just one of them, being happy is a good thing - it's good you can still see joy in the day and I'm sure your sister would be smiling down on you. I found it hard to deal with the fact my mum was crying non stop and I didn't feel like that, just remeber each experience of a bereavement is very different, it's completely unique and try and respect others feelings and hopefully your family will respect yours and how you are coping. PM me if you ever want to chat, you aren't alone.
Firstly I am so sorry to hear that your sister has passed away 
It must be a bad time for both you and your family.
Secondly, I think you're dealing with it really well, like people say it might be that it's not hit you yet, or it could be that you're reacting this way because of your childhood you mention. What I want to say is that people grieve in different ways, some cry and look at photo's whilst other pick themselves up and get on with things, no method is right or wrong, it's whatever works for you, don't let other people tell you differently. I know it's different, but when my Great-Grandma died, I felt like I couldn't cry as I had to be strong for others, as they weren't coping as well. It might be that you feel you need to hold it together for your family? You said your sister was a heroin addict so maybe, deep down in your heart, you thought that one day this might happen and so you aren't surprised? I'm not sure.
Anyway, just hang on in there and grieve in whatever way you need to.
It must be a bad time for both you and your family.Secondly, I think you're dealing with it really well, like people say it might be that it's not hit you yet, or it could be that you're reacting this way because of your childhood you mention. What I want to say is that people grieve in different ways, some cry and look at photo's whilst other pick themselves up and get on with things, no method is right or wrong, it's whatever works for you, don't let other people tell you differently. I know it's different, but when my Great-Grandma died, I felt like I couldn't cry as I had to be strong for others, as they weren't coping as well. It might be that you feel you need to hold it together for your family? You said your sister was a heroin addict so maybe, deep down in your heart, you thought that one day this might happen and so you aren't surprised? I'm not sure.
Anyway, just hang on in there and grieve in whatever way you need to.
Im sorry about your sister. Maybe this is your way of dealing with the pain,ignoring it until it's bearable. If my sister died-well- I dunno.
I'm really sorry for your loss. But people are so right when they say everyone grieves differently. There is no way you should feel bad about how you feel. It's not like you don't care and you're not confronting your family with your happiness at parties or anything. I think as long as you respect the grief of your family, it really doesn't matter that you feel differently.
My grandma died in 2000. I was aways at a friend's house when my dad called and told me and he was really crushed. It was so awkward talking to him because I didn't ... feel anything really. So then my friends' parents asked if I wanted to go early, but I didn't. Instead, I went to the movies with my friend that very night. It did feel awkward and sort of like a weight on me, but I didn't cry. I did go to the funeral a couple of days later tho. But again, I didn't cry. All of my family did, most of them were devastated. But not me. And I did feel sorry about that and I would have liked to "integrate" and cry, but I just didn't feel that way.
Then my beloved dog died this summer. She was 14 and the best friend I have ever had. I will love her forever and I still kiss her picture whenever I leave the house. Every night I pray that she's doing alright where she is now and that I will see her again. Sometimes thinking of her makes me break down in tears and when she died, it was the worst I can imagine going through. I was crying until I literally wasn't capable of anymore crying and my entire body hurt. I thought I might as well die, too, because life didn't seem worth living anymore. Now to most people that sounds crazy or pathetic and they would say she was just a dog. They would have understood this process better if it had been about my grandma.
But it doesn't matter what people say. All that matters is how you feel about it and that's okay. It's your way of dealing with something terrible and difficult and there is no right or wrong. Whatever works for you is alright. No-one can tell you how to grieve.
All the best xoxox
My grandma died in 2000. I was aways at a friend's house when my dad called and told me and he was really crushed. It was so awkward talking to him because I didn't ... feel anything really. So then my friends' parents asked if I wanted to go early, but I didn't. Instead, I went to the movies with my friend that very night. It did feel awkward and sort of like a weight on me, but I didn't cry. I did go to the funeral a couple of days later tho. But again, I didn't cry. All of my family did, most of them were devastated. But not me. And I did feel sorry about that and I would have liked to "integrate" and cry, but I just didn't feel that way.
Then my beloved dog died this summer. She was 14 and the best friend I have ever had. I will love her forever and I still kiss her picture whenever I leave the house. Every night I pray that she's doing alright where she is now and that I will see her again. Sometimes thinking of her makes me break down in tears and when she died, it was the worst I can imagine going through. I was crying until I literally wasn't capable of anymore crying and my entire body hurt. I thought I might as well die, too, because life didn't seem worth living anymore. Now to most people that sounds crazy or pathetic and they would say she was just a dog. They would have understood this process better if it had been about my grandma.
But it doesn't matter what people say. All that matters is how you feel about it and that's okay. It's your way of dealing with something terrible and difficult and there is no right or wrong. Whatever works for you is alright. No-one can tell you how to grieve.
All the best xoxox
This may or may not apply to you but when you first experience somebody close to you passing away I'm afraid it's not possible to realise just what that means. In the coming months you'll pick up the phone, begin to write an e-mail. look at some clothes and just have to tell her about them. But you can't and then the finality starts to sink in, the bleak finality. When death visits again you know what is to come, and know what it's about, and you'll greave more "normally" for your loss. I don't think people understand this the first time round.
But for now just act as you feel, do not behave in a way because you think that is how you should or is expected to. Never shut her out, reaving is a long and natural process and you will when ready.
And don't bottle things up, the TSR will always be there for you if ever you feel alone and want to talk. You've taken a hard knock and it sounds like you've had some before. I'm sure your post has brought us all down to earth a little.
But for now just act as you feel, do not behave in a way because you think that is how you should or is expected to. Never shut her out, reaving is a long and natural process and you will when ready.
And don't bottle things up, the TSR will always be there for you if ever you feel alone and want to talk. You've taken a hard knock and it sounds like you've had some before. I'm sure your post has brought us all down to earth a little.
SophistiCat
Well... my sister died on Tuesday morning, and I'm finding the whole grieving process entirely alien. I realise it's going to be hard, however I seem to be dealing with it in an unconventional way. I've just started university, and have made loads of new friends and settled in well. This came as a shock because I had a pretty hard upbringing - my mum is an alcoholic and my sister was a heroin addict. Throughout my life I'd felt uneasy and totally lacked any feeling of stability. I'd also learnt to shut myself off from the family problems, I'd never cry or anything - mainly because there would be nobody there to comfort me.
Now that Natalie has died though, I realise that I have to confront my past, and it's an incredibly daunting prospect. Since I'm in Sheffield and all my family are on the Isle of Man, I haven't seen them yet. Tomorrow I'm meeting my dad in Glasgow (where his family is from), and then I'll be going back for the funeral in a couple of weeks. While I've been speaking to them, they've been saying how they can hardly eat or sleep - and can not stop crying. I've cried a few times, and Natalie is always on my mind - but I've just got on with it apart from that. Tonight I've been in one of the flats dancing my arse off, seemingly happier than ever. We were singing Oasis songs as well, they were her favourite band so it was like a tribute to her.
I just feel that if my family could see my acting like this, they'd think I was really cold and that I'm not bothered. But I really do care, Natalie was my only sister, and before she became addicted to drugs she was my best friend.
Just wondered if anyone has any advice or could share their experiences... I'd really appreciate it
Now that Natalie has died though, I realise that I have to confront my past, and it's an incredibly daunting prospect. Since I'm in Sheffield and all my family are on the Isle of Man, I haven't seen them yet. Tomorrow I'm meeting my dad in Glasgow (where his family is from), and then I'll be going back for the funeral in a couple of weeks. While I've been speaking to them, they've been saying how they can hardly eat or sleep - and can not stop crying. I've cried a few times, and Natalie is always on my mind - but I've just got on with it apart from that. Tonight I've been in one of the flats dancing my arse off, seemingly happier than ever. We were singing Oasis songs as well, they were her favourite band so it was like a tribute to her.
I just feel that if my family could see my acting like this, they'd think I was really cold and that I'm not bothered. But I really do care, Natalie was my only sister, and before she became addicted to drugs she was my best friend.
Just wondered if anyone has any advice or could share their experiences... I'd really appreciate it
I echo everyone by saying I truly am sorry for your loss: i can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but just hang in there.. I don't think your family will think you're being cold at all: you're obviously dealing with your sister's death differently, and there's nothing wrong by not openly crying or grieving, since different people cope in equally different ways.
When you go back for her funeral, then maybe that will give you the opportunity to talk things over and give you time to grieve and reflect. Then, when you return to uni, hopefully you can throw yourself into your new life and with your new friends, and in this way move on: just because you've been trying to carry on with uni life as normally as possible, doesn't mean that you're ever going to forget your sister.
You say that she was your best friend before her addiction - I definitely think that she's smiling down on you and knows that you're grieving in your own way. All the best hun, and PM me if you ever want to talk about anything
i'm sorry for your loss sophisticat.
i know my situation was completely different, but when my uncle died i didn;t cry at all or even feel particularly sad until the funeral when it all came suddenly. this has happened most times someone i knew died, so i think what's happening to you is probably just your way of dealing with it.
i'd just say make sure your friends know how you feel so they're a bit prepared if your feelings suddenly switch and you get really sad.
i know my situation was completely different, but when my uncle died i didn;t cry at all or even feel particularly sad until the funeral when it all came suddenly. this has happened most times someone i knew died, so i think what's happening to you is probably just your way of dealing with it.
i'd just say make sure your friends know how you feel so they're a bit prepared if your feelings suddenly switch and you get really sad.
I had a younger sister die when I was 7 years old. She was just 15 months old. She had a condition which I think is called Mitocondrial Cytopathy whixh basically means the mitocondria in her cells didn't function prpoperly so very little energy was being released. As a result her immune system was severely weakened and so when she caught a particularly bad cold it soon developed into pneumonia and she wasn't able to breathe on her own anymore. Eventually my dad and step-mum decided to have the ventilator turned off so that my little sister could be at rest. The memory having to kiss her goodbye and walk away for the last time has always stuck with me. I was seriously depressed by the whole ideal but found that the best thing to do was to talk to friends in detail about the whole thing and that way it seemed to lift a bit of the weight off my shoulders. Everyone copes in their own way though. Unfortunately another one of my siblings at my dad's house now appears to have Mitocondrial Cytopathy, and rather worryingly he has shown symptoms at the same age as my little sister- so at the moment we are just praying it doesn't end the same way.
My mum is also an alcholic by the way, though fortunately she has now not had a drink in 9 years. There was a period of about 9 months, just before she went on the wagon, in which she entered an anorexic and alcohlic downwards spiral, during which I had to look after her on my own- my parents are divorced and at the time my mum had just split from her long term partner- before I went to boarding school I went from my dad's house to my mum's house on average every other day (very complex situation). During that time I had to make sure she was eating, I had to cook, clean and loads of other household duties when she was to weak or passed out to do so herself. I know exactly how it feels to have a direct relative who is an alcoholic- so just PM me if you want any advice or just sokmeone to listen. Just remember though that if you can get her off the booze life will improve- my mum has since remarried and now has two more children in addition to me. Alcoholics Anonymous is the best place to help with the detox- my mum has been going to meetings there for 9 years now and she hasn't slipped off once.
My mum is also an alcholic by the way, though fortunately she has now not had a drink in 9 years. There was a period of about 9 months, just before she went on the wagon, in which she entered an anorexic and alcohlic downwards spiral, during which I had to look after her on my own- my parents are divorced and at the time my mum had just split from her long term partner- before I went to boarding school I went from my dad's house to my mum's house on average every other day (very complex situation). During that time I had to make sure she was eating, I had to cook, clean and loads of other household duties when she was to weak or passed out to do so herself. I know exactly how it feels to have a direct relative who is an alcoholic- so just PM me if you want any advice or just sokmeone to listen. Just remember though that if you can get her off the booze life will improve- my mum has since remarried and now has two more children in addition to me. Alcoholics Anonymous is the best place to help with the detox- my mum has been going to meetings there for 9 years now and she hasn't slipped off once.
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