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Being a young carer....

Hey,

It feels quite odd to be writing this post, as i have cared for my parents for so long but its only started to affect me now. Im 17 and would say that i am a carer for both my mum and dad to some extent. At times they can both be well but at other times i have to do everything because they are not well enough to do things for themselves. My mum suffers from severe depression and is going through a very bad patch at the moment, all of her medication is changing and its affecting her badly. She also has a degenerative spine and prolapsed discs in her back so has problems with mobility and things. My dad had cancer many years ago and is now suffering from some after effects of the thorough treatement he had (he developed a rare type of diabetes, has poor liver/ kidney/ heart and lung function and just generally isn't too well). At the moment both mum and dad are unwell and i am having to care for them and its getting to me a lot. I am an only child and feel so alone sometimes. Today, i had the day off college and mum came home from her job and burst into tears and cried all afternoon in bed and i cooked dinner, cleaned all the house and tried to do some studying too. Dad came home, feeling unwell and i had to help him move around the house as he had blood infection which has spread to a joint, making moving hard. Mum seemed to cheer up then, which made me feel awful because it feels like i can't make her happy. I just want to live a normal life without all this pressure and just focus on my college work and friends but i can't. I feel so selfish for thinking and feeling like this. I just wondered if anyone else was in the same position and what they do to cope? None of my friends know my situation and at college i lead a really active life and do as much as possible and am always really cheerful so no one suspects anything. Its just difficult to keep all of this hidden away and still remain in control.

Lou
xxx

Reply 1

qwerty_st/n

11

sparkly_tiara

Hey,

It feels quite odd to be writing this post, as i have cared for my parents for so long but its only started to affect me now. Im 17 and would say that i am a carer for both my mum and dad to some extent. At times they can both be well but at other times i have to do everything because they are not well enough to do things for themselves. My mum suffers from severe depression and is going through a very bad patch at the moment, all of her medication is changing and its affecting her badly. She also has a degenerative spine and prolapsed discs in her back so has problems with mobility and things. My dad had cancer many years ago and is now suffering from some after effects of the thorough treatement he had (he developed a rare type of diabetes, has poor liver/ kidney/ heart and lung function and just generally isn't too well). At the moment both mum and dad are unwell and i am having to care for them and its getting to me a lot. I am an only child and feel so alone sometimes. Today, i had the day off college and mum came home from her job and burst into tears and cried all afternoon in bed and i cooked dinner, cleaned all the house and tried to do some studying too. Dad came home, feeling unwell and i had to help him move around the house as he had blood infection which has spread to a joint, making moving hard. Mum seemed to cheer up then, which made me feel awful because it feels like i can't make her happy. I just want to live a normal life without all this pressure and just focus on my college work and friends but i can't. I feel so selfish for thinking and feeling like this. I just wondered if anyone else was in the same position and what they do to cope? None of my friends know my situation and at college i lead a really active life and do as much as possible and am always really cheerful so no one suspects anything. Its just difficult to keep all of this hidden away and still remain in control.

Lou
xxx

ive got a lot of respect for people who do what you do. it must be really hard to be on your own and caring for both of your parents, especially at your age, its a lot to deal with on top of your studying, and a lot of people would have cracked under the strain by now.
i would say though, that there is nothing selfish in you wanting to live a normal life, and you should never feel guilty about it. i know other people who are carers who feel the same, and there will be times when you start to feel resentful towards your parents, but i think the most important thing is that you dont bottle it up, can you talk to your parents about it? or maybe someone else if you dont feel comfortable talking it over with them?
having never been in your situation, theres not really much advice i can give, but i do know that if you feel that you need more help, social services are now beginning to offer more to carers to take some of the strain away, and if you havent already i would reccommend that you get in touch with them to see if theres anything they can do, especially when times get hard, at 17 you dont need that kind of responsibility, all i can say is that i really admire your strength :smile:

Reply 2

akutenshi2001

sparkly_tiara

Hey,

It feels quite odd to be writing this post, as i have cared for my parents for so long but its only started to affect me now. Im 17 and would say that i am a carer for both my mum and dad to some extent. At times they can both be well but at other times i have to do everything because they are not well enough to do things for themselves. My mum suffers from severe depression and is going through a very bad patch at the moment, all of her medication is changing and its affecting her badly. She also has a degenerative spine and prolapsed discs in her back so has problems with mobility and things. My dad had cancer many years ago and is now suffering from some after effects of the thorough treatement he had (he developed a rare type of diabetes, has poor liver/ kidney/ heart and lung function and just generally isn't too well). At the moment both mum and dad are unwell and i am having to care for them and its getting to me a lot. I am an only child and feel so alone sometimes. Today, i had the day off college and mum came home from her job and burst into tears and cried all afternoon in bed and i cooked dinner, cleaned all the house and tried to do some studying too. Dad came home, feeling unwell and i had to help him move around the house as he had blood infection which has spread to a joint, making moving hard. Mum seemed to cheer up then, which made me feel awful because it feels like i can't make her happy. I just want to live a normal life without all this pressure and just focus on my college work and friends but i can't. I feel so selfish for thinking and feeling like this. I just wondered if anyone else was in the same position and what they do to cope? None of my friends know my situation and at college i lead a really active life and do as much as possible and am always really cheerful so no one suspects anything. Its just difficult to keep all of this hidden away and still remain in control.

Lou
xxx

Hello. Sorry, but I am not personally in a poistion similar to you, so can not give you any tips ; but let me say that I have so much respect for you, and you should be incredible proud, that you have coped all this time. You are far from selfish for wanting to have help with the prssure you feel, so dont feel bad about wanting it.

If there any organisation in your local area to help young carers (you would be surprised how mnay there are)? Maybe, if you are not already in contact, you could try asking them for a little relief?
Or do you have a relative you can trust? I know you have prob thought of these your self, but these are the only options i can think of.

Lastly, and i am sorry if i over step a mark, but you dont have to keep it all away. You need to look after your self as well as your parents. Why not try talking to your friends, just to rant and rave( it can be quite cathargic). Or if you dont want to talk to someone close to home, you could try a counseling service;or if you just want a understanding ear, i would be pleased to hear from you.

It will get better. My own mother sufferes from depression, and i know how heart breaking it can be, but it will get easier.

Its all I can offer you at the moment i am afraid.

If you do want to contact a young carers association, but dont know how, drop me a line ( i work with enough youth/forum/link/social workers to know how to contact them lol!)

Be happy
HLF

Reply 3

sparkly_tiara

OP

2

Thanks for both of the replies. I would talk to my friends but it just seems a million miles away from the problems in their lives that i can't expect them to understand and i don't want to burden them with it. Sometimes it is nice to have such a distinct seperation from the two sides in my life.... with friends i can just try and forget about whats going on at home sometimes. I feel guilty about moaning about this though... there are carers out there who do FAR more for their parents than i do. And then there are the good times, when my responsibilites are far reduced, perhaps just doing the cleaning and ironing and both parents are happy and thats nice to see. I have considered going for counselling though... i went earlier this year for something that happened to me (my parents have no idea and i wanted it to stay this way because i didnt want to burden them with it, after all they have enough to cope with) and it helped a lot so perhaps it would help with this too? I think im just struggling now because i have a lot on my plate, with college work and problems or whatever, it just makes life hard.

Thank you for the replies though.

Lou
xxx

Reply 4

akutenshi2001

sparkly_tiara

Thanks for both of the replies. I would talk to my friends but it just seems a million miles away from the problems in their lives that i can't expect them to understand and i don't want to burden them with it. Sometimes it is nice to have such a distinct seperation from the two sides in my life.... with friends i can just try and forget about whats going on at home sometimes. I feel guilty about moaning about this though... there are carers out there who do FAR more for their parents than i do. And then there are the good times, when my responsibilites are far reduced, perhaps just doing the cleaning and ironing and both parents are happy and thats nice to see. I have considered going for counselling though... i went earlier this year for something that happened to me (my parents have no idea and i wanted it to stay this way because i didnt want to burden them with it, after all they have enough to cope with) and it helped a lot so perhaps it would help with this too? I think im just struggling now because i have a lot on my plate, with college work and problems or whatever, it just makes life hard.

Thank you for the replies though.

Lou
xxx

Reading through the reply, it really stricks me that you NEED to talk about this; i can practically put the vocal tones in lol! Why not type everything out. rant and complain and apolgise and pour evything out, not just about being a carer but everything, and leave it. You can send it to someone. delete it, or save it. Either way, your feelings are out and you can look back. You will notice (as I have from your small writings) that above all you love your parents and nothing will change that, but right now you need need a bit of support too.

You have no need to feel guilty. Yes, others may do more, but they may get more support themselves, and you cn never compare experiences like this.

Just try to write it out thing. I did it when my brother was born ( HUGH ISSUES!) and it really helped me just put everything together. |I know I sound like a right hippie (it comes with hanging with Youth workers lol) but hey, i could be telling you to hug trees. :P

I hope you feel better soon.
feel free to call on me for any more hippie advice.

HLF

save a tree - eat a beaver

Reply 5

sparkly_tiara

OP

2

Writing sounds a good idea, get everything out of my system and things. May well give it a go tonight, it can't do any harm!

Lou
xxx

Reply 6

akutenshi2001

sparkly_tiara

Writing sounds a good idea, get everything out of my system and things. May well give it a go tonight, it can't do any harm!

Lou
xxx

nods solumly

glad to help, i will hug a tree is celebration >huges a oak<

Reply 7

Apricot Fairy

16

Maybe you could just choose one trusted friend to talk to? Just let them know what your situation is and say you don't want everyone to know, as you like to act normally and have some kind of escape. But having one person to turn to might relieve some of the pressure.

Does your school/college have a counsellor? Talk to someone with pastoral responsibilities who may be able to put you in touch with someone you can talk to, or even an authority who might be able to give you some kind of assistance.

You don't have to do this alone. There are people out there who can help you, and make your life a lot less difficult.

Finally, as everyone else has said, I have a lot of respect for you. Good luck xxx

Reply 8

Gem

14

It is obvious reading your posts that you love and care for your parents so much :smile:

But I can imagine (or at least try to imagine) just how hard that is, and how sometimes you need to let it all out.

There are Young Carers Associations and Societies out there, just so you can talk to other people in your position, and you might not feel as alone. As it says on your little location bit you live in Hampshire, I did a search (hope you dont mind) and found this site which is dedicated to Carers in Hampshire, it might be worth a look :smile:

You never know there could be a meeting right near you. Even if it just helps you feel 'normal' for an hour every week, it might make the world of difference.

I wish you all the very best, it must be so hard trying to fit in caring, school work and other stuff :hugs:

Reply 9

Max Power

what you are doing right now is pretty exceptional.

You are juggling so much, and trying to make so many people happy as well as studing and working for yourself. What you are doing is difficult. There is no denying that.

However, a position worse than yours is one in which a person works very hard for no purpose whatsover, or when no one sees any use in you.

What you are doing has a purpose. People need you. Right now you are doing something that deserves much praise and is much appreciated.

When you are feeling down, take a deep breath, remember why you are doing this, and who you are doing this for, and then continue to do what you are doing.

However, although U sound like a person of great maturity, for everyone there sometimes comes a point when everyone needs help. I'm not sure if that point has come yet for u. But if it does don't be afraid to ask, and don't feel guilty for doing so.

Ur an exceptional person.

In the end u will get what u deserve, and if u haven't got what u deserve, then it aint the end.

Reply 10

leannemarie

11

I care for my nan who is classed as disabled, so I get Carer's Allowance for her which means that I don't have to worry too much about getting a job. I know how you feel about wanting to escape, I frequently do because my nan doesn't need to be watched over all the time, but I still feel guilty when I leave her by herself. The important thing is to get some help I think. Try a citizens' advice bureau near you. It is very hard when you have to support someone both physically and emotionally. My nan is epileptic and I used to get flashbacks from when I found her having her first seizure over a year ago now. Nobody else in the family has ever seen her have one, so they don't know how terrifying it is. I would talk it over with a trusted friend, and discuss ways in which you could get help. There is no use trying to do it all by yourself, otherwise you could get ill which wouldn't help either of your parents.

Reply 11

Natalie561

I am a young carer too, my 10 year old triplet brother has cerebral palsy and i am 1 of 5 children so i do a lot of helping around the house also which can be quite hard and even harder as i have had an scoliosis operation in febuary therefore im not allowed to do certain things but am still a carer!

Reply 12

Juno

20

I used to care for my mum when she had cancer, but then she died :frown:

She went to a day hospice occasionally though, which really helped. It was only one or two days a week for a morning or afternoon, but it meant I got a bit of time to myself to do what I wanted! There are probably similar things near you, and maybe your doctor/hospital can help if your parents ever go for check ups. Or the young carer's association may point you in the right direction.

Reply 13

*starry_eyed_*

14

I really admire people like you and cannot begin to imagine how hard it must be for you when al lseems to go wrong. The fact that you care for your parents, alongside leading an actvie college life, just goes to show what a great person you are- we need more of you in this world! :smile:

As I don't have any experience of this, myself, I can only praise you for what you do and say that though you do this, if you ever feel you can't do it anymore, you will definitely have the support you want. Though you don't want to 'burden' you friends with what goes on in your life, don't you think they should know? riends are supposed to be there for you when you want them to and disappear when ypou dn't. I'm sure they WILL help you, or at least give you an ear to listen! Anyway, carry on with being the poerfect person you are and enjoy your time at the same time! :smile:

Reply 14

yorkshirelass

14

I'm in a fairly similar situation to you. Both my parents suffer from depression and alcoholism, which I've had to deal with since I was around 11. I'm also an only child and the rest of the family isn't particularly close these days so I had to deal with it head on myself. It's definitely a lonely position to be in, but it doesn't have to be this way. It took several years before I could pluck up the courage to tell my school what was going on so allowances could be made for me handing in homework/coursework in late and more years still before I could tell my friends what was going on. I guess lying is a coping strategy, albeit not a very useful one. Once I started telling my friends, I felt stupid since I had covered my tracks for so long, but it felt so much better, believe me. Just find one friend you can tell, and see how it goes. Oh, and what you're doing is very, very admirable compared to how I coped. I definitely didn't help my parents in the situation they were in. I just left them to wallow in their own self pity and semi-psychotic behaviour and didn't get anyone in (like, medical professionals) to look at them. I wouldn't know how to express my own anger towards them so I'd take it out on them without directing it into some constructive vent. Several times my Mum threatened to commit suicide directly because of what I'd said to her - how bad did that make me feel? I also didn't help out with housework; my house would be such a tip with months of housework not done! So, in short my message is that you're coping well, but you would be a whole lot better off if you could talk to a friend.

Reply 15

sparkly_tiara

OP

2

Everyone has made such lovely comments in response to this thread, its so unbelievably touching. It was also interesting to see that there are others in this situation too. Im thinking that i may well have to get some help in the near future, as i hope to be at uni next september and i will need to make some sort of arrangements to make sure my parents are okay. I also wanted to apologise in case i made my life seem really awful and dull, its not, i was just at the end of my tether when i first posted and i appreciate that people have been through far worse im sure!

Lou
xxx

Reply 16

beach surf babe

14

sparkly_tiara

Im thinking that i may well have to get some help in the near future, as i hope to be at uni next september and i will need to make some sort of arrangements to make sure my parents are okay. I also wanted to apologise in case i made my life seem really awful and dull, its not, i was just at the end of my tether when i first posted and i appreciate that people have been through far worse im sure!
xxx

I'm surprised you've not got any help before....it must be really tough for you at times. Its crazy what we put up with when we have to... As for the point about making your life seem really awful...if thats how you feel at times then no can argue with that. Hope you do get the help you need and you should let your friends know whats goin on in your life...they can't help you if they don't know.... :smile:

Reply 17

Juno

20

sparkly_tiara

Everyone has made such lovely comments in response to this thread, its so unbelievably touching. It was also interesting to see that there are others in this situation too. Im thinking that i may well have to get some help in the near future, as i hope to be at uni next september and i will need to make some sort of arrangements to make sure my parents are okay. I also wanted to apologise in case i made my life seem really awful and dull, its not, i was just at the end of my tether when i first posted and i appreciate that people have been through far worse im sure!

Lou
xxx

It probably would be best to try to get help now then, as it can take a while to get things sorted. And your parents might take a while to adjust to the new arrangements.

Reply 18

naelse

15

a good idea would be to get in touch with social services. I am my mum's only carer (she has lupus) and the social worker arranged for carers to come in and look after her during my GCSE exams to take some strain off me. Unfortunately mum decided that she couldn't stand having strangers in her home so there were no carers for AS and A2 but it did help....

Being a young carer....

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