Ok, so I'm a guy in my second year at uni. In the last 6 weeks or so I've become really good friends with someone I hadn't met last year, but who I find really, really cool. But now I'm feeling a lot more for him. I've never been with a guy before and nobody knows that about me, and similarly I don't know if he's straight or not. It's just assumed by everyone, including each other I suppose, that we're both straight, and it's past the point of being able to ask directly.
BUT he does have a few traits I would associate with being gay, and I wouldn't be surprised to find he was. We play fight a fair bit and I'm always tempted to just go in for a kiss, but I really don't want to freak him out if I'm reading the signals wrong. Basically if he's interested, I want to go for it, but if he's not I don't want to freak him out and ruin a good friendship. I'd rather have him as a good mate than not at all. But it's killing me not to know either way for sure. I can't think of a way of asking "are we just friends?" without making my intentions obvious, and I know that guys in particular act really differently when they have an admirer they don't like back, be they male or female. I do the same thing myself! Every innocent little thing you do starts to be interpreted as some obsessive crush thing, and it just ****s things up. I really don't want it to happen as these past 6 weeks have been some of my most fun at uni so far. That and we both work on the student union so if he does freak out things could get seriously awkward...
So, yeah. Help?
("OMG UR GHEY JUST STOP BEING GHEY"... yes, let's get those comments out of the way.)
Fallen for my (guy) friend... Watch
- 28-11-2010 02:45
- 28-11-2010 02:59
TBH, these kind of threads have been done here so many times. You could use search function for some really good advice.
If you're not sure he is gay, than it would be pointless to tell him you are in love with him - it could ruin your friendship. And why haven't you come out yet?
You've only known him for six weeks, do you not think it's a bit soon?
- 28-11-2010 05:41
Well it's not necessarily 'in love' quite yet (which is part of the problem: I don't know how to address the matter without making it seem like I've got a madly obsessive gay crush on him... I just want to test the waters to see if something might happen) I just really like him. And the whole coming out business doesn't feel like it would be as straightforward as it should be - I don't exclusively like guys, but then I haven't properly liked a girl the way I like this guy for a few years now. I don't know what I'd be coming out as, and in any case at the moment I just feel like I'd want to come out for something, i.e. this relationship is something I'd come out for, but if it's not going to happen then it's not worth all the fuss. There are family and friend issues I can definitely forsee that would just be better left alone.
And when I say I've only known him six weeks... well that's actually knowing him. I've been aware of him for quite a long time, we just were never friends. And why would six weeks be such a short amount of time to start liking someone? Loads of straight couples pair off into relationships within a few weeks of meeting!
But thank you. I'll have a search for some other threads.
- 28-11-2010 05:59
well cant you get someone to ask him if he's gay?
- 28-11-2010 06:11
Well I don't think that would work for two reasons:
1) Me getting someone to ask if he's gay would be a bit of a 'reveal' of myself, wouldn't it?
2) If it were the other way around and someone asked me if I were gay, I would probably say no.
- 28-11-2010 06:12
Get to know him, pick up on the signs... has he ever talked about gay people? If so in a favourable way or not... the better you know him, they better you know how he'd react if he knew you liked him. But a lot of straight guys have bromances, with playfighting and all that, so don't necessarily jump to any conclusions... It's a difficult one because the longer it goes on, the harder it is to say later...
- 28-11-2010 06:25
Well he's all for gay equality and that... but then my uni is massively liberal and activist and everyone is like that. I mean I feel like I know him pretty well now - we're texting all the time and we've spent a ridiculous amount of time together. He's even commented on "how weird it is that we've become such good friends so quickly... never had that before". There's also been instances where a hug as lasted that little bit longer than you'd expect or he's held on just a tiny bit more once I've let go of a handshake. And we had a play fight the other day that was about 3am and went on far to long considering what it was we were wrestling over. I mean, I could be reading far too much into all this, but then maybe he feels the same and is having just as much an issue over not being able to tell me because he thinks I'm totally straight.
Maybe I could approach it by suggesting we spend less time together? He'll probably pry for a reason and after a nudge or two I'll tell him its because I like him and that I've assumed it won't happen but I don't want to make him feel awkward. That way he might then either say that it's okay and silly to spend less time together and that we should still hang out, or maybe he'll suck my face off. Either way at least I won't come across as some obsessive. But it's difficult to gauge.
- 28-11-2010 06:38
Oh, and I didn't mention that he never talks about girls. The only time I've heard him even refer to his own love life was some discussion about marriage where he pretended to set a date and said "Yes, her name's Janet and I'm going to meet her for the first time next April." But then he said it in a very camp voice.
Ugh. I just really want to go for it, but it would upset me if he distanced himself as a result. This sucks.
- 28-11-2010 12:40
He'd be very silly to assume that you had some sort of obsessive crush on him if you just told him that you like him. If he does take that reaction and he goes awkward on you, that's his problem and loss. I know you say he has only made one reference to girls, and that it was a joke, but surely you've got to the stage where you can talk about people you like or are seeing etc? Maybe ask him if he's ever had a serious relationship? Then he might be more likely to open up, but you still haven't given the game away.
- 28-11-2010 16:57
Hmm, I guess that might be a way to approach it. I still can't decide whether to have a chat about it out of the blue or to wait until we're both a bit drunk and then raise it. Then I could always make the excuse that "I was just drunk!" if I'm rejected.
- 29-11-2010 10:59
Okay, this totally had a happy ending! Thanks everyone.