I'm an Asian guy who can't fit in (complicated)
[Thanks to everyone who has the patience to read my post. Alot of time has been spent on spilling my thoughts, I hope I don't sound like a complete tool in it though lol].
Right, so I apologise in advance for any confusion this post might cause (I'm typing whatever's in my head because its getting frustrating, and I'm hoping I can properly put my thoughts out in this post). For those who cant be bothered to read the whole post, you can scroll down to the ''my problem'' bit. But I'd appreciate it if the whole post was read, as this gives a better indication of what I'm feeling and how it affects my problem of fitting in.
Right so I'm an fella of Indian origin, brought up in a fairly cultured household. Growing up, I had this common (although not so common in my eyes back then) outlook on being with this one girl for life. It was a vital that she'd have no physical history with guys because I always found that as being with a 'one person' only thing. It was just a personal outlook that I had, probably compounded by culture too. I know what you're thinking, the bollywood dosage was too high for me, and I probably thought that life is that damn easy and everyone can burst out into song and dance when funtimes arrive
I encountered problems along the way, after thinking my first girlfriend was 'it', I ended up being heart-broken after we ended within 3 months. The emotional damage was quite alot because I attached years of an image of 'the one' to her, so it felt like I knew her longer than I did.
A month after breaking up with her, I turned to a completely different girl. She was beautiful, intelligent, cultured, and never had a boyfriend. This was because she's brought up in a Brahmin (the top Hindu caste) household with really strict values. I remember she was told off once for comming home at 7pm from uni. But, she loved her parents more than anything, and wanted to know that if I was committed then I'd fight for us and stay with her right until marraige.
It actually happened. What were the chances of me finding someone with that outlook!? The only problem was that our personalities didnt match (she was more quiet and a bit too innocent) and I was still missing my ex. But I stayed with her for a year and 4 months, and my feeligns for her grew and grew, and we broke phsyical barriers (all but sex), which was a MASSIVE deal for her, especially since she was going against her parents. Anyway, to cut it down, my ex returned and I became horribly confused. I wanted a break to decide, but opted for a break up (which was my mistake). In my break up she told me to go out with my ex again, because this is the only way I'd realise if I'm pursuing the right thing.
After 3 months of waiting, I got a message from her saying not to come back if it doesnt work out with my ex, as I'm not worth the fight against her parents. In those 3 months, I was only thinking.. I didn't do anything physical with my ex and barely had a relationship. My sisters wedding caused diversion and dragged my ultimate realisation that I actuallly truly love the one I had let go.
It was too late, though. I promised her I'd be with her and I failed. Yeah, sometimes guys are thick and it takes losing someone to realise how much they mean to you.. I did everything to try and get her back, but the bottom line is she's gone and I have to move on. I'm not going to waste too many sentances going on about how I cant live without her etc. But, you can imagine the emotional impact on someone whose wanted to have this one thing right in his life since the age of 14, only to mess it up himself and know that one day some other guy will have all that with the girl he loves.. and its his fault:
My problem:
Fast forward to present. I'm in a completely new year at University.. the personal problems above (breaking up with a long term girlfriend) had distracted me at University and led me to fall behind a year.
So, I'm in 2nd year where all the ''friend groups'' are already made. I feel like a complete nomad, and my day is literally going to University, sitting in the library and trying to work on my own. I kind of tried to socialise with other groups, like fellow asians.. but they're so unapproachable.
I know a handful of these people, and yeah theyre friendly in the ''hey hows work, ok bye'' kinda way but no one has ever really offered me the chance to hang with the rest of them. One asian dude asked me what group im in for coursework, and I answered ''im looking, do you have space in yours''. I got the answer no, but later found out he did infact have space
For those who havent read part 1, I'm really trying to move on from my ex, and don't know many girls. I try my best to put myself out there, but, with Indian girls I can't. If I approach an indian girl in the library, I wouldn't know how she'd react. And, if I get it wrong then I'l expect people to label me in a negative manner.. so I find it hard to take that risk.
There is one guy and his friends I know, and I went out with them throughout freshers... good bunch but since then theyve gone to other events and havent really called me up.. so they don't consider me as being that close it seems (commuting to Uni doesn't help when they're all living out and chilling at flats etc).
I think to myself that maybe I need some attention. Looks wise I'm average, or below average.. but I dont mean to sound arrogant, I believe my personality is truly awesome in a unique manner. For people, especially girls to see that I need to grab their attention, so I've been buying new clothes and trying to go to the gym.. but its hard to stay positive when your life feels so negative.
(sorry girls I'm not trying to imply here that in general you're all shallow.. its just, an average looking but muscular, well dressed guy with no friends stands out ALOT more than an average looking skinny guy with no friends).
I know this post may not feel like it flows, (not that I'm trying to write a story) which makes it harder for you all to follow what I'm trying to say. I guess these are my thoughts/problems and I really REALLY want to meet people, go out, get to know new girls, make new friends (even if theyre guys) and even get some action if it means moving on from my past. Problem is, I just cant.
The thought of ''why is this dude only on about indians'' must have crossed your minds. Its just because I've always been around indians in my social circle, so I naturally try and find them for friends, and yeah I'd probably rather be around them BUT I am also completely open to having white friends for example, and do all the same things.. but once again, how?
Right, so I apologise in advance for any confusion this post might cause (I'm typing whatever's in my head because its getting frustrating, and I'm hoping I can properly put my thoughts out in this post). For those who cant be bothered to read the whole post, you can scroll down to the ''my problem'' bit. But I'd appreciate it if the whole post was read, as this gives a better indication of what I'm feeling and how it affects my problem of fitting in.
Right so I'm an fella of Indian origin, brought up in a fairly cultured household. Growing up, I had this common (although not so common in my eyes back then) outlook on being with this one girl for life. It was a vital that she'd have no physical history with guys because I always found that as being with a 'one person' only thing. It was just a personal outlook that I had, probably compounded by culture too. I know what you're thinking, the bollywood dosage was too high for me, and I probably thought that life is that damn easy and everyone can burst out into song and dance when funtimes arrive
I encountered problems along the way, after thinking my first girlfriend was 'it', I ended up being heart-broken after we ended within 3 months. The emotional damage was quite alot because I attached years of an image of 'the one' to her, so it felt like I knew her longer than I did.
A month after breaking up with her, I turned to a completely different girl. She was beautiful, intelligent, cultured, and never had a boyfriend. This was because she's brought up in a Brahmin (the top Hindu caste) household with really strict values. I remember she was told off once for comming home at 7pm from uni. But, she loved her parents more than anything, and wanted to know that if I was committed then I'd fight for us and stay with her right until marraige.
It actually happened. What were the chances of me finding someone with that outlook!? The only problem was that our personalities didnt match (she was more quiet and a bit too innocent) and I was still missing my ex. But I stayed with her for a year and 4 months, and my feeligns for her grew and grew, and we broke phsyical barriers (all but sex), which was a MASSIVE deal for her, especially since she was going against her parents. Anyway, to cut it down, my ex returned and I became horribly confused. I wanted a break to decide, but opted for a break up (which was my mistake). In my break up she told me to go out with my ex again, because this is the only way I'd realise if I'm pursuing the right thing.
After 3 months of waiting, I got a message from her saying not to come back if it doesnt work out with my ex, as I'm not worth the fight against her parents. In those 3 months, I was only thinking.. I didn't do anything physical with my ex and barely had a relationship. My sisters wedding caused diversion and dragged my ultimate realisation that I actuallly truly love the one I had let go.
It was too late, though. I promised her I'd be with her and I failed. Yeah, sometimes guys are thick and it takes losing someone to realise how much they mean to you.. I did everything to try and get her back, but the bottom line is she's gone and I have to move on. I'm not going to waste too many sentances going on about how I cant live without her etc. But, you can imagine the emotional impact on someone whose wanted to have this one thing right in his life since the age of 14, only to mess it up himself and know that one day some other guy will have all that with the girl he loves.. and its his fault:
My problem:
Fast forward to present. I'm in a completely new year at University.. the personal problems above (breaking up with a long term girlfriend) had distracted me at University and led me to fall behind a year.
So, I'm in 2nd year where all the ''friend groups'' are already made. I feel like a complete nomad, and my day is literally going to University, sitting in the library and trying to work on my own. I kind of tried to socialise with other groups, like fellow asians.. but they're so unapproachable.
I know a handful of these people, and yeah theyre friendly in the ''hey hows work, ok bye'' kinda way but no one has ever really offered me the chance to hang with the rest of them. One asian dude asked me what group im in for coursework, and I answered ''im looking, do you have space in yours''. I got the answer no, but later found out he did infact have space
For those who havent read part 1, I'm really trying to move on from my ex, and don't know many girls. I try my best to put myself out there, but, with Indian girls I can't. If I approach an indian girl in the library, I wouldn't know how she'd react. And, if I get it wrong then I'l expect people to label me in a negative manner.. so I find it hard to take that risk.
There is one guy and his friends I know, and I went out with them throughout freshers... good bunch but since then theyve gone to other events and havent really called me up.. so they don't consider me as being that close it seems (commuting to Uni doesn't help when they're all living out and chilling at flats etc).
I think to myself that maybe I need some attention. Looks wise I'm average, or below average.. but I dont mean to sound arrogant, I believe my personality is truly awesome in a unique manner. For people, especially girls to see that I need to grab their attention, so I've been buying new clothes and trying to go to the gym.. but its hard to stay positive when your life feels so negative.
(sorry girls I'm not trying to imply here that in general you're all shallow.. its just, an average looking but muscular, well dressed guy with no friends stands out ALOT more than an average looking skinny guy with no friends).
I know this post may not feel like it flows, (not that I'm trying to write a story) which makes it harder for you all to follow what I'm trying to say. I guess these are my thoughts/problems and I really REALLY want to meet people, go out, get to know new girls, make new friends (even if theyre guys) and even get some action if it means moving on from my past. Problem is, I just cant.
The thought of ''why is this dude only on about indians'' must have crossed your minds. Its just because I've always been around indians in my social circle, so I naturally try and find them for friends, and yeah I'd probably rather be around them BUT I am also completely open to having white friends for example, and do all the same things.. but once again, how?
Scroll to see replies
Wow. Concise notes plz!?
sooo sorry i just looked at the length and cudnt start to read it either :/
*hugs*
Post is 2 parts, hardly related.
Part 1. Had a gf for 3 months, he dumped him. Got a second one for 1y,4months, and altough they made good progress ( sex life ) he felt they weren't quite compatible so he dumped her when old gf came back, then realized he loved the second one. Ofc, she said he isn't worth the trouble. He admits he's made mistakes, want to move on, can't.
Part 2. No real friends or circle of acquaintances due to living off campus, being new in second year. Wants to meet new people, be it girls or friend-guys, preferably indians, but white would do it as well.
My advice bit : Hang around more in groups, just randomly, until they befriend you enough to ask you to events and whatnot. Also, get into societies, where you can just show up for events alone, and mix and mingle.
Part 1. Had a gf for 3 months, he dumped him. Got a second one for 1y,4months, and altough they made good progress ( sex life ) he felt they weren't quite compatible so he dumped her when old gf came back, then realized he loved the second one. Ofc, she said he isn't worth the trouble. He admits he's made mistakes, want to move on, can't.
Part 2. No real friends or circle of acquaintances due to living off campus, being new in second year. Wants to meet new people, be it girls or friend-guys, preferably indians, but white would do it as well.
My advice bit : Hang around more in groups, just randomly, until they befriend you enough to ask you to events and whatnot. Also, get into societies, where you can just show up for events alone, and mix and mingle.
Original post by lonely14
I've skimmed your post and what I get is that
you can't fit in at university because you've used to socialise with Indians, but now having trouble doing that with white people (people from other race)?
And you also want a girlfriend?
you can't fit in at university because you've used to socialise with Indians, but now having trouble doing that with white people (people from other race)?
And you also want a girlfriend?
Not exactly.. sorry everyone for the length, il cut it down here:
* I had a long term girlfriend and lost her due to my own mistakes.
* The problems of losing her led to me being distracted and falling behind a year.
* The new year I'm in all have their own group circles, I can't seem to get to know anyone properly. Indian gus are unapproachable and seem to judge my worth before making an effort.
*Indian girls are even more so, feel reluctant to approach an indian girl at uni because if I mess up then everyone will label me as 'that guy'.
* I just end up going to university, sitting in the library and working alone.. then returning home.
* Want to make new friends, more so with indian girls/even white girls because I want to move on.
additional point
*I am a virgin, because I was saving it for the girl I love. Now I realise life isnt perfect, and I should live in the moment more. But... obviously you need friends & know girls for that.
Wow eh lol I actually read that all but mainly because I also talk/ write a lot.
That's quite a cringe, the fact you mostly only stick with fellow brown people, nothing different to a lot of brownies I know. I tend to fit in with anything, you need to open up and not take race etc into account when making friends, hate when people do that. Seriously isn't the whole point of University or in fact anything, work, to travel etc to go out and make new friends. Learn from different people.
You can make friends that way and maybe see if they have a brown person for you to be with... Open up your friend circle. Yes looks do matter as it is a first impression, at least try to look OK, it is a bit of both really as in also being smart and having some humour. Work on that and the library thing sounds cool, if you sometimes get bored of studying just check people out with a group of friends. Even a lone just start talking to people who have a book that is of the same thing you're doing, ask for help or just small talk...
Hope that somehow helped.
That's quite a cringe, the fact you mostly only stick with fellow brown people, nothing different to a lot of brownies I know. I tend to fit in with anything, you need to open up and not take race etc into account when making friends, hate when people do that. Seriously isn't the whole point of University or in fact anything, work, to travel etc to go out and make new friends. Learn from different people.
You can make friends that way and maybe see if they have a brown person for you to be with... Open up your friend circle. Yes looks do matter as it is a first impression, at least try to look OK, it is a bit of both really as in also being smart and having some humour. Work on that and the library thing sounds cool, if you sometimes get bored of studying just check people out with a group of friends. Even a lone just start talking to people who have a book that is of the same thing you're doing, ask for help or just small talk...
Hope that somehow helped.
Original post by *mMmMm*
Wow eh lol I actually read that all but mainly because I also talk/ write a lot.
That's quite a cringe, the fact you mostly only stick with fellow brown people, nothing different to a lot of brownies I know. I tend to fit in with anything, you need to open up and not take race etc into account when making friends, hate when people do that. Seriously isn't the whole point of University or in fact anything, work, to travel etc to go out and make new friends. Learn from different people.
You can make friends that way and maybe see if they have a brown person for you to be with... Open up your friend circle. Yes looks do matter as it is a first impression, at least try to look OK, it is a bit of both really as in also being smart and having some humour. Work on that and the library thing sounds cool, if you sometimes get bored of studying just check people out with a group of friends. Even a lone just start talking to people who have a book that is of the same thing you're doing, ask for help or just small talk...
Hope that somehow helped.
That's quite a cringe, the fact you mostly only stick with fellow brown people, nothing different to a lot of brownies I know. I tend to fit in with anything, you need to open up and not take race etc into account when making friends, hate when people do that. Seriously isn't the whole point of University or in fact anything, work, to travel etc to go out and make new friends. Learn from different people.
You can make friends that way and maybe see if they have a brown person for you to be with... Open up your friend circle. Yes looks do matter as it is a first impression, at least try to look OK, it is a bit of both really as in also being smart and having some humour. Work on that and the library thing sounds cool, if you sometimes get bored of studying just check people out with a group of friends. Even a lone just start talking to people who have a book that is of the same thing you're doing, ask for help or just small talk...
Hope that somehow helped.
It did, thanks. The brown friends only thing is something I was brought into from back home, at high school I encountered some racism and so didn't find having white friends an option as much. However now I'm over that and am completely open to knowing anyone.. infact the more diverse the better.
I used indian girls in my post because 1) my uni is quite asian and 2) im indian too so I feel like i have a better chance with them.
Original post by iLoveRandomness
Post is 2 parts, hardly related.
Part 1. Had a gf for 3 months, he dumped him. Got a second one for 1y,4months, and altough they made good progress ( sex life ) he felt they weren't quite compatible so he dumped her when old gf came back, then realized he loved the second one. Ofc, she said he isn't worth the trouble. He admits he's made mistakes, want to move on, can't.
Part 2. No real friends or circle of acquaintances due to living off campus, being new in second year. Wants to meet new people, be it girls or friend-guys, preferably indians, but white would do it as well.
My advice bit : Hang around more in groups, just randomly, until they befriend you enough to ask you to events and whatnot. Also, get into societies, where you can just show up for events alone, and mix and mingle.
Part 1. Had a gf for 3 months, he dumped him. Got a second one for 1y,4months, and altough they made good progress ( sex life ) he felt they weren't quite compatible so he dumped her when old gf came back, then realized he loved the second one. Ofc, she said he isn't worth the trouble. He admits he's made mistakes, want to move on, can't.
Part 2. No real friends or circle of acquaintances due to living off campus, being new in second year. Wants to meet new people, be it girls or friend-guys, preferably indians, but white would do it as well.
My advice bit : Hang around more in groups, just randomly, until they befriend you enough to ask you to events and whatnot. Also, get into societies, where you can just show up for events alone, and mix and mingle.
Thanks for summarising. pretty much spot on and I appreciate the advice. The societies at my universities kinda suck though, none of them are really that active apart from the Islam soc, which I get a creepy feeling would try to convert me
Original post by Anonymous
It did, thanks. The brown friends only thing is something I was brought into from back home, at high school I encountered some racism and so didn't find having white friends an option as much. However now I'm over that and am completely open to knowing anyone.. infact the more diverse the better.
I used indian girls in my post because 1) my uni is quite asian and 2) im indian too so I feel like i have a better chance with them.
I used indian girls in my post because 1) my uni is quite asian and 2) im indian too so I feel like i have a better chance with them.
This may sound racist to myself.
Join Indian society.
Take some food with you, lots of it enough to share, ask some random asian chick if she wants some. Bung a few samosas your mum made in your bag next time.
Go to temple and find a nice little religious virgin.
Ask parents or relatives to sort you out with a mrs.
Cruise down brown people places or events, mela I dunno then go yo can I has yer digits.
Just go up to any random chick behind a bookshelf, eye contact, then go yer bootipul yaar.
Go India and bring someone back next time.
Was partly kidding there but people do do that...
Ahem on a serious note, isn't there anyone else you can hang with if you're brown looking for fellow brownies, at a place full of them. Surely there's something similar... Music? If you play dhol or something, see who else does and build an interest.
Well for a start you should probably shouldn't be living in Bradistan if you want to get away from Indians and Pakistanis.
Secondly I take it you're not a Muslim then. Good. Less chance of you exploding.
Finally, get a white girlfriend, they're not as uptight about marriage and sex as their indian counterparts. Cruise around nightclubs at 2am, be on the prowl; if you see a drunken fat slag pissing like a horse in the middle of the pavement, she's all yours bro.
Secondly I take it you're not a Muslim then. Good. Less chance of you exploding.
Finally, get a white girlfriend, they're not as uptight about marriage and sex as their indian counterparts. Cruise around nightclubs at 2am, be on the prowl; if you see a drunken fat slag pissing like a horse in the middle of the pavement, she's all yours bro.
Original post by The-Real-One
Well for a start you should probably shouldn't be living in Bradistan if you want to get away from Indians and Pakistanis.
Secondly I take it you're not a Muslim then. Good. Less chance of you exploding.
Finally, get a white girlfriend, they're not as uptight about marriage and sex as their indian counterparts. Cruise around nightclubs at 2am, be on the prowl; if you see a drunken fat slag pissing like a horse in the middle of the pavement, she's all yours bro.
Secondly I take it you're not a Muslim then. Good. Less chance of you exploding.
Finally, get a white girlfriend, they're not as uptight about marriage and sex as their indian counterparts. Cruise around nightclubs at 2am, be on the prowl; if you see a drunken fat slag pissing like a horse in the middle of the pavement, she's all yours bro.
Just because I don't take offence to a racist line towards another religion, doesn't mean I'd join in on the banter. Grow up you ignorant tool.
Secondly, losing my virginity isn't really the problem. That can be solved with a bit of alcohol and a one night stand from a night out. The problem is making sound friends at university when most the group circles have already been made.
Original post by newlife
OP you, my friend have given me an idea.
what?
This reminds me of this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyhcgWm-XcA
Anna: Confidence Cohen, confidence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyhcgWm-XcA
Anna: Confidence Cohen, confidence
well, i'm not sure you need to be trying so hard! that usually does tend to backfire.
maybe you could start by hanging out with that group of guys you already know (: find some event that you wanna go to, and call them up! then just be really open at social events, make new friends, talk to people as if you already know them--that's the secret to confidence. and don't be picky, of course, just talk to anybody and everybody, even if you don't feel like you're as popular/good-looking as them.
and don't think too much about your past (: live in the now! let your personality shine through when you're talking to people, and think positively (: what you need is probably a confidence boost.
(i don't think your post is too long, btw. reading the full thing was much more meaningful and informative than the pithy summary.)
hope this helps, anyway. and do cheer up and don't worry so much about the friends thing, you probably have more than you realise!
xx
maybe you could start by hanging out with that group of guys you already know (: find some event that you wanna go to, and call them up! then just be really open at social events, make new friends, talk to people as if you already know them--that's the secret to confidence. and don't be picky, of course, just talk to anybody and everybody, even if you don't feel like you're as popular/good-looking as them.
and don't think too much about your past (: live in the now! let your personality shine through when you're talking to people, and think positively (: what you need is probably a confidence boost.
(i don't think your post is too long, btw. reading the full thing was much more meaningful and informative than the pithy summary.)
hope this helps, anyway. and do cheer up and don't worry so much about the friends thing, you probably have more than you realise!
xx
You seriously have to get a job or join some sort of society, either at uni or near home. That way, you'll have a group of friends/more people you'll know. I reckon finding friends on your course should be your priority and the only way to do that is to look like an idiot and do silly things to initiate conversation. If they accept you (which they should with some persistence..), they'll eventually see the real you anyway.
Basically, don't be afraid to talk.
Basically, don't be afraid to talk.
(edited 13 years ago)
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