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Appearance complex ruining my life Watch

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    I don't really know why I'm posting this, I guess I'm looking for advice or people who feel similarly.

    Basically, I am very very unhappy about my physical appearance. I do have a self-esteem problem which I'm currently being counselled for, but these issues affect me more than those regarding my intelligence/personality, which some are likely to call me shallow for; it's not that the other things don't bother me, they do, I think it's just because the looks are there staring me in the face all of the time that they feel worse.

    I would say that I am desperately unhappy about it; I spend most of my evenings looking up ways to have thinner stomach/legs, ways that could cause natural breast growth, what measurements certain celebrities are and how far away from looking like them I am. It gets in the way of my studies and my general happiness. Sometimes, it affects my personal hygiene, which I'm not at all proud of but sometimes I'll think about it so much that it's almost like I feel like I don't deserve to have white teeth or clear skin. That probably makes no sense, but I think it's this common feeling of "I have no right". & then of course if I do neglect one of these routines, I only end up feeling worse about myself.

    It's also hugely getting in the way of my relationship. My boyfriend is getting sick of me feeling so down about myself, but I constantly feel like I cannot be enough for him, and whilst I adore him more than anything it makes me consider breaking up with him because I feel like such an embarrassment; I have thought about deleting my facebook because the thought of his friends going on my profile and seeing my pictures makes me feel sick because I just feel like they know he can do much better and will be laughing about it. My boyfriend also has an ex who's very much still a part of their close circle of friends, and I would never want to stop him from interacting etc with her, but it is a constant reminder of what he once had, and that I can not give him that same sense of pride; his best friend is for ever talking about how hot she is etc, and I feel like my boyfriend deserves to be with someone that makes him the envy of his friends like that, because he really is such a special guy. I find myself looking at her pictures and thinking about how my legs are not as skinny as hers, how my breasts are nowhere near as big as hers, how my waist is not as defined as hers, how she has a really nice bone structure to her face, and attractive eyes and smile, where as mine certainly has none of those things. Sometimes I just cry and cry over it, other times it will make me want to make myself throw up, although I must make it clear that this is something I have never done. I think it stems from a need to punish myself for not being that way and knowing I can't naturally become like that. It does to say the least though sometimes cause nausea, palpitations and even physical trembling of my body. Admittedly, sometimes I have felt like I want to die because I don't want to be without my boyfriend but equally I can't take the huge amounts of pressure and negativity I put on myself. Again, I'd explicitly like to express that whilst thinking this I have never planned to end my life. It affects my sex life, in that I can't relax when having sex and things with my boyfriend because I'm constantly thinking about how disgusting I look and how badly I must be performing, as stand-alone factors but also as comparatives with his ex.

    I think about one day having the money to get plastic surgery, but then I don't know where I would start as there's so many different things I would want done, conflicting with my ethical disagreements with it and the fact that my boyfriend has expressed that he would be seriously unhappy if I did this and that it might even end the relationship. So on that front, I feel like I can't win.

    I don't want to sound like I'm just having a big moan, so I'm sorry if that's how it comes across and maybe it will. I'm expecting some people to say "get a grip", "get some real problems" etc and I don't blame you because it probably sounds pathetic: but I have had my fair share of "real problems" too, and I can assure you this feels just as daunting and difficult than all of those things. I'm saying this, because I'm looking to change, so that I'm not this person who thinks like this anymore, so I'm not this person who often stays up til 4am obsessively worrying about it and wondering what to do and then struggling to get up in the morning and focus on uni work. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone's been similar to this or if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can sort this stuff out, because I'm so confused all of the time.

    If you've got this far, thanks so much for reading this and I hope to hear any responses you might have xxx
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    If you are having counselling I don't really know what more you can do, I don't claim to have much knowledge about this.

    The only thing I can really think to say is that your behaviour and negative attitudes towards yourself could drive your boyfriend away and from your post I can tell this is the last thing you want.

    Stop comparing yourself to his ex, he is with you for a reason, because he wants to be.

    Sorry this probably isn't much help but seeing as I read the post I felt I should put something
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    xxx
    :console:

    Everyone has the odd occasion where they feel down about themselves, but it's quite obvious it's to the extreme in your case and I do genuinely feel for you OP; but it's a positive thing that you're seeking counselling for your 'issues', as an outside perspective can sometimes be more helpful than relying on your own opinions or those of people that know you well (in my experience, at least).

    However, I do think you should stop pushing your boyfriend away! His ex is just so for a reason and he is with you, not her so he's obviously attracted to you and you are putting way too much pressure on yourself to be perfect when, in reality, there's no such thing! You shouldn't have to compare yourself to his ex-girlfriend.

    If it's bothering you as much as it sounds like it is, then this is a 'real problem', which is clearly affecting how you live your life. However, I've never been in the same situation, so I can't give you advice from personal experience. So, the only advice I can give you, is to continue seeing your counsellor and to take advantage of the kind words you may receive from family, friends or your boyfriend; because you're going to need 'em to help get you through this. Anyway, I hope some of that makes sense, I kinda lost track of what I was saying halfway through. Best wishes, I hope it all works out in the end.
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    When I get sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't really know why I'm posting this, I guess I'm looking for advice or people who feel similarly.

    Basically, I am very very unhappy about my physical appearance. I do have a self-esteem problem which I'm currently being counselled for, but these issues affect me more than those regarding my intelligence/personality, which some are likely to call me shallow for; it's not that the other things don't bother me, they do, I think it's just because the looks are there staring me in the face all of the time that they feel worse.

    I would say that I am desperately unhappy about it; I spend most of my evenings looking up ways to have thinner stomach/legs, ways that could cause natural breast growth, what measurements certain celebrities are and how far away from looking like them I am. It gets in the way of my studies and my general happiness. Sometimes, it affects my personal hygiene, which I'm not at all proud of but sometimes I'll think about it so much that it's almost like I feel like I don't deserve to have white teeth or clear skin. That probably makes no sense, but I think it's this common feeling of "I have no right". & then of course if I do neglect one of these routines, I only end up feeling worse about myself.

    It's also hugely getting in the way of my relationship. My boyfriend is getting sick of me feeling so down about myself, but I constantly feel like I cannot be enough for him, and whilst I adore him more than anything it makes me consider breaking up with him because I feel like such an embarrassment; I have thought about deleting my facebook because the thought of his friends going on my profile and seeing my pictures makes me feel sick because I just feel like they know he can do much better and will be laughing about it. My boyfriend also has an ex who's very much still a part of their close circle of friends, and I would never want to stop him from interacting etc with her, but it is a constant reminder of what he once had, and that I can not give him that same sense of pride; his best friend is for ever talking about how hot she is etc, and I feel like my boyfriend deserves to be with someone that makes him the envy of his friends like that, because he really is such a special guy. I find myself looking at her pictures and thinking about how my legs are not as skinny as hers, how my breasts are nowhere near as big as hers, how my waist is not as defined as hers, how she has a really nice bone structure to her face, and attractive eyes and smile, where as mine certainly has none of those things. Sometimes I just cry and cry over it, other times it will make me want to make myself throw up, although I must make it clear that this is something I have never done. I think it stems from a need to punish myself for not being that way and knowing I can't naturally become like that. It does to say the least though sometimes cause nausea, palpitations and even physical trembling of my body. Admittedly, sometimes I have felt like I want to die because I don't want to be without my boyfriend but equally I can't take the huge amounts of pressure and negativity I put on myself. Again, I'd explicitly like to express that whilst thinking this I have never planned to end my life. It affects my sex life, in that I can't relax when having sex and things with my boyfriend because I'm constantly thinking about how disgusting I look and how badly I must be performing, as stand-alone factors but also as comparatives with his ex.

    I think about one day having the money to get plastic surgery, but then I don't know where I would start as there's so many different things I would want done, conflicting with my ethical disagreements with it and the fact that my boyfriend has expressed that he would be seriously unhappy if I did this and that it might even end the relationship. So on that front, I feel like I can't win.

    I don't want to sound like I'm just having a big moan, so I'm sorry if that's how it comes across and maybe it will. I'm expecting some people to say "get a grip", "get some real problems" etc and I don't blame you because it probably sounds pathetic: but I have had my fair share of "real problems" too, and I can assure you this feels just as daunting and difficult than all of those things. I'm saying this, because I'm looking to change, so that I'm not this person who thinks like this anymore, so I'm not this person who often stays up til 4am obsessively worrying about it and wondering what to do and then struggling to get up in the morning and focus on uni work. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone's been similar to this or if anyone has any suggestions as to how I can sort this stuff out, because I'm so confused all of the time.

    If you've got this far, thanks so much for reading this and I hope to hear any responses you might have xxx
    Wow. I almost cried when I read this, and then felt a bit freaked out, and then felt sad again. Heres why - what you have written literally describes how I feel in so much detail - even down to the issues with your relationship i.e. constantly feeling like a 'downgrade' from his ex, feeling guilty for the fact that he is 'stuck' in a relationship with me when he deserves better, not being able to enjoy sex because of it. And also the thing about it affecting personal hygene because you 'don't feel like you deserve to have white teeth' etc...these are literally the same thought s as what go through my head.
    So....I'm sorry, I know that is not helpful in the slightest...I'm afraid that I can't really offer any advice, just empathy. Do you think the counselling isn't really doing much to help then? Its something I have considered getting for years, but haven't been able to bring myself to because I'm worried that it would sound to trivial to someone who isn't experiencing similar feelings :/
    Also I have to say, you're very brave for posting this on here
    xx
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    You are worth all of the effort
    you are worth just as much as I'm worth
    you are no better or less better than anyone else
    Get out of that thinking
    Don't forget all these supermodels usually have pictures that have probably gone days(lol) of constant photoshop
    Nobody is perfect and you're not repulsive,society is.
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    wow. :hugs:
    you're not pathetic at all! every girl feels a little worthless at some point or other but this situation is so extreme! the fact that you are getting counselling means you want to change and I hope things start looking up real soon
    You seem to put a lot of your happiness on your boyfriend which is getting you down...maybe to gain some self confidence you can start a new hobby/develop an existing one in a social setting to meet new people?
    don't know if any of this helped, but all the best to you
 
 
 
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