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I'm really hurting...Long... Watch

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    First of all, apologies for the length of this post, I know it is long but don't read it if you don't want to, I'm new here, I just would really appreciate some non-biased advice.


    When I started at university in september 2008, I immediately became close to this guy in my flat. We became best friends and were really close. There was nothing romantic in it at all until about december time when we had a drunken kiss and from then on, we'd fool around most nights, cuddle, kiss and sleep together etc. I lost my virginity to him. He didn't know I was a virgin at the time. This continued all the time, literally pretty much every night. I began to fall in love with him. Not only was he my best friend but I soon saw this other side to him, he was just amazing. In february it was his birthday, and his ex girlfriend came to stay to celebrate with us. He slept with me the night before she arrived, and that was it, I hardly saw him for the 5 days she was down to stay. They were basically holed up in his room, opposite from mine, having sex all the time. It hurt like hell. On the night of his actual birthday, I noticed that his ex kept trying to hold his hand and cuddle him and stuff but he kept looking at me, seeing that I saw and would snap his hand away and stuff. Literally I can't describe how much that hurt. I wasn't even aware that his ex was coming to stay and to know that he was sleeping with her and holding her like he did me across the hall for those 5 days was awful.

    Anyway she went away again and I had like a week distancing myself from him, telling myself to remember how much that hurt and that he was no good for me etc. But I was weak and after about 10 days we began to fall into the same old pattern.

    I should say at this point that I'd only had 2 boyfriends before and was pretty much convinced no guy was ever going to like me. I had, and still do have very low self esteem. However on a night out, I kissed a guy in a club cos I was feeling so down about the situation and just desperately needed to feel wanted. My flatmate saw and stormed off. When we got back to our halls he went absolutely mad at me and he told me he'd never felt so jealous and upset in his entire life.

    It came to april and we began to spend a lot more time together, every day 24/7. I knew though that during this time, he was texting his ex a lot aswell. Term was ending and I knew he was going to go home and I kind of resigned myself to the fact that he was going to get back together with her. I would try not to think about it but every so often it'd catch me and I'd have to go and cry and stuff. Despite all the heartache, he was still my best friend and we'd have a fantastic time together. I've literally never connected with anyone as much as him. I still am yet to meet anyone that I have connected with on the same level.

    So May arrived and he was going to leave a few days before me. I was inconsolable the day he left, we spoke for a little while and he said that he didn't really know what he wanted in regards to us. As he drove away I thought my heart was going to break. I didn't think I'd see him all summer because I was convinced that he'd go back to his ex and I'd just be totally forgotten about. On my second to last day of university I texted him saying that I wanted him to leave me alone, if he wanted to be with me he could be, but he obviously didn't want to be so I wanted to be left alone. He replied saying that he didn't know what he wanted, that his ex wanted to get back together with him but he didn't know which one of us he wanted. I didn't reply. On my final day, he came to surprise me. He said he wanted to spend my last day with me and that he'd missed me loads. We spoke and he said I was undermining myself. He said that whatever happened between me and him, I was a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have me and that he was an idiot for not being able to decide.

    When we both left the next morning, he said I should go to visit him at his house in 2 weeks. I did and it was fantastic. We had such a good time. On the morning I was due to leave I asked him what this meant. He said he still didn't know. That broke my heart more than anything in the world. I cried all the way home.

    In the next 2 weeks he said he wanted to come and visit me at my home in London. He came to stay and something had changed. He was attentive and affectionate and I knew something was different. He told me he was going to move into our university 2nd year house earlier because he'd got a job there and was bored at home, and as I'd also got a job there, we went back to our university town about 6 weeks before our other housemates joined us. On our second night there, he said to me "I want us to be together, let's not mess this up".

    And so we began. I still hated the fact that he texted his ex girlfriend as I was convinced she was going to steal him away from me but I kept telling myself it'd be okay.

    We had 4 months of being so in love with eachother. I was so unbelievably happy. I literally loved him like I never thought possible. Then one day, I was using his computer, and went to watch an episode of sex and the city. When I loaded his media player up, the last played video was a camera file. Curiosity got the better of me. I clicked on it and it was a sex tape of him and his ex gf. I have literally never been so devastated in my entire life. I confronted him and he tried to fend it off as a mistake, and I believed him at first. But over the coming months, due to his general stupidness and not covering his tracks properly. I discovered that he had emailed girls from sex websites swapping and requesting pictures, and also had a huge log of sex videos and photos from his time with his ex girlfriend. This abused my trust so badly, I kept finding them and I kept forgiving him, believing it'd be the last time. I had absolutely no self esteem left at all and didn't understand why he was with me. On the final time, I said that I wanted him to delete everything in front of me. It took him 3 weeks to do this. Every day I'd ask him to do it and he'd say "Yeah I'll do it later". Eventually after 3 weeks, he deleted everything in front of me. I didn't trust him that it was gone though. I'm not sure I believe him that it's really gone to this day.

    Anyway we built on our relationship and very slowly I began to trust him again. It got to april this year and we discussed housing arrangements for next year. It was decided that me him and his friend would get a place together. Meanwhile our relationship was fine, we were best friends, affectionate and loving and we were genuinely okay. I never felt ok with him texting his ex again, and I still hate it when he texts her, but I think that's understandable. I guess I've never felt good enough for him ever.

    When we moved into our flat in June this year, we were ok for like 2 weeks, then on our year anniversary he broke up with me saying he wasn't happy anymore. I was devastated. It hurt beyond my wildest dreams. Being in love with this guy for almost 2 years, going through all the hurt and heartache he put me through with his ex, the porn, everything else, it just killed me.

    About 3 days later, my girlfriends from home came to stay. We went out for a girls night out, and I met a guy. He was really nice and funny and cute and most of all, he made me feel wanted and attractive. He wanted me to go back to his hotel room with him, I said no and all we did was kiss a few times. My ex found out and went absolutely mad. He literally went mental. He said he wanted to try again and that he didn't want me with another guy.

    We tried again but after a week he said that I'd abused his trust so badly by kissing another guy that he couldn't be with me anymore and that he didn't love me anymore.

    This was about a 4 months ago. I miss him so so badly. He's my first love, the guy I lost my virginity to, he's just everything to me. We live together so I see him all the time but not being able to hold him, touch him or go to bed cuddling him like we used to, it just kills me. I cry myself to sleep every night. I wish I could leave but I'm in my final university year. I'm trying to concentrate on my course but I'm just dying inside. I love him, I really do. I'm so mad at him for ruining our relationship in the first place, but I know I was wrong to kiss the other guy. I don't know what to do. He says we can take things slow and see if we want to try again, but for now he just wants to "enjoy eachothers company".

    Why isn't this hurting him like it is me. He said he loved me more than anything in the world once upon a time. This relationship has been a total mindscrew from start to finish. But we live together and I feel that we should try to give it another go. Occasionally he tells me he loves me still and he still asks me to sleep with him and we have sex still and everything. I just don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. He keeps saying he doesn't think he can trust me ever again. Which kills me as, before everything else, he was my best friend, he still is. He's my absolute world. Also I know he's dating other girls now, while I'm stuck at home waiting for him.

    Writing this all out...I can't believe I am still wasting my time being near him...but I love him...

    Any advice would be appreciated. Once again, really sorry for the length, feels really good to get that all out though!
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    Bump...took ages to get approved...
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    I think you need some distance from him. I think you should move somewhere else and not see him for a while so that you can get your head clear. It must be so hard living with him and knowing he is out on dates with other girls when you still love him. If he is saying you can take things slow and try again then why is he even going out on dates with other girls.

    Also, he shouldnt be telling you he still loves you and having sex with you but then not being sure about getting back together because he doesnt trust you, that will just be messing with your head and its not fair. I think it might just be time to let him go and move to another place and eventually meet someone else.

    Sorry if this is not good advice lol. I thought I might as well give some advice since I read it all.
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    Your whole relationship is so f*ckd up. You need to get far far away and rebuild yourself emotionally and mentally. I feel for you!
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    :hugs: sweetie i know its hard but he never felt for you like you did for him, look at the double standards in your post, he can go and have sex with his ex yet you cant kiss another guy when broken up etc. stop having sex with him now- it releases chemicals that are going to cloud your judgement. he really hasnt treated you well so get some space and if he cares for you enough he will try hard for you back not keeping you in this limbo- its not fair. read through what you've said and think about how it sounds to someone from the outside- he has treated you dreadfully- stand up for yourself- nothing you've done here is wrong
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    Find another guy who doesn't have ex complications...
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    shorten it a bit and I might read?
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    keep writing
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    Well next time don't fancy a guy who obviously still like his ex enough to bonk her and is seeing other girls. You are just another addition to his long list of endeavors.

    In other words..he used another Virgin aka YOU!
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    similar situation (however, im a guy)... but you've got it alot worse... stop having sex NOW. if hes says he still wants to be friends, BE FRIENDS! not **** buddys... then when he says that he wants to be more than friends, remind yourself of how much he overacted when you kissed that other guy, how he betrayed and hurt you and just SAY NO... That'll **** with his head.
    then maybe he'll change...
    and keep busy (ie. work like mad on your degree, get as many hours working as possible and go out with your girlfriends ALL THE TIME... then youll have no "alone time" where you would normally be thinking of him).

    good luck
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    :console:
    sorry hon, but I don't think this is ever going to work out ... he just seems to have double standards, one rule for him, one rule for you.
    So my advice would be keep your distance, don't sleep with him, work on getting over him and then you can move forward, I know it hurts but I think it's for the best. What he's done so far goes to show he's never really going to change; I'm concerned all he's ever going to do is take take take from you then make you feel guilty so he can carry on doing it.
    If you are happy to confide in a friend then that might help you get through it.
    :hugs:
 
 
 
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