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How to deal with my partner and his parents dictating to me? Watch

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    I'm starting to feel pressure. My partner has told me that when we're in a 2 bed place we will have his parents to stay even though I cant cope with that because i have bipolar and aspergers syndrome. I haven't been given a choice, him and his mum have just TOLD me that its going to happen despite my mental health problems.
    He has also TOLD me that we'll be inviting his totally evil sister that has been estranged from him and his family for 6yrs to our wedding. I CANNOT get married with her there, I tried to compromise with my partner, but hes just said that she would be invited despite all my reasonable concerns.
    Being dictated to like this is worrying me, we should be discussing and compromising, instead of him and his parents telling me how things are going to be.
    How can our relationship progress how we'd like when i've got these developing worries?
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    Is he making any compromises for you? Is he putting up with any of your dictating/nutty family/parents? In which case it is perfectly fair as Marriage/relationships are all about give and take.


    If however he is forcing this on you without even discussing the topic and you are the one making all the allowances for him then there is something wrong. You need to think about this relationship and know that it is right and fair regardless of his family. I understand that you are marrying HIM not his family and therefore you should not need to put up or care about them but at the end of the day if you love him you will have to understand his priorities and and the social conventions he wishes to live by.

    I'm really sorry for the crappy advice I suppose you know how bad/bearable it really is. It's your call but there is nothing you can really do. He has a right to invite his sister to his wedding and you need to screw her and enjoy your day for yourself. Surely his parents are nice? And they don't plan to stay for days on end. I hope it all works out for you :dontknow:

    :console:
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    (Original post by ipulledhermione)
    Is he making any compromises for you? Is he putting up with any of your dictating/nutty family/parents? In which case it is perfectly fair as Marriage/relationships are all about give and take.


    If however he is forcing this on you without even discussing the topic and you are the one making all the allowances for him then there is something wrong. You need to think about this relationship and know that it is right and fair regardless of his family. I understand that you are marrying HIM not his family and therefore you should not need to put up or care about them but at the end of the day if you love him you will have to understand his priorities and and the social conventions he wishes to live by.

    I'm really sorry for the crappy advice I suppose you know how bad/bearable it really is. It's your call but there is nothing you can really do. He has a right to invite his sister to his wedding and you need to screw her and enjoy your day for yourself. Surely his parents are nice? And they don't plan to stay for days on end. I hope it all works out for you :dontknow:

    :console:
    thanks for your reply his parents would probably be up 2 weekends a month, I wouldn't mind if they stayed in a hotel, just cant face them staying with us for anytime.
    all evrey well saying screw the sister and its the kind of advice i would give out myself, but me, my parents and his parents suspect that she could cause quite an upset on the day as she's been very cruel to my partner i hate the woman for hurting him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    thanks for your reply his parents would probably be up 2 weekends a month, I wouldn't mind if they stayed in a hotel, just cant face them staying with us for anytime.
    all evrey well saying screw the sister and its the kind of advice i would give out myself, but me, my parents and his parents suspect that she could cause quite an upset on the day as she's been very cruel to my partner i hate the woman for hurting him.
    awww that's so romantic. Hmm I guess you need to express this to your partner. I mean just listen to yourself, it's not as though you don't want her there for yourself, it's the fact that she is a cruel person who has caused your partner distress, why would he want to invite her to his wedding. Ask him, what is more important: abiding to the social code of weddings or yours and his joint happiness. This is the beginning of a new stage in your life, why in the world would you poison that day, that memory with someone who will no doubt make a fuss and perhaps even ruin the day for you. I don't think your BF is comprehending just exactly what the meaning of a wedding is. It is a new start and it is between TWO, not one person. You are the other half of this marriage, this relationship this family unit and you have every right to voice what you think. If he cannot comprehend and take it on board - why the **** is he marrying you? It's a matter of maturity.

    As for the parents, that is a bit much in my opinion, but there is no 'right' amount of time to be staying over. I personally do not know of anyone, or have heard of anyones parents staying over after marriage. But again, if your BF feels it necessary then it is something you need to discuss with him. Even though it would be nice for them to stay in a hotel, they won't. It costs a lot and what sort of parents says 'Aye I'm going to go visit my son...No we are staying in a B&B' If you have a 2 bed and they want to visit they will stay over. Unless you can sort something out with your BF I really don't know what to say other than: Let your BF know that this is a problem and then when a time comes when you need him to compromise then bring it up. He is not asking you for a one off favour - he is disrupting the course of your day t day life and imposing his rule. You can love him and bear with it but at least understand what cards you have to play with.

    I really don't mean to taint your relationship with 'you did/i did' card playing games but it's all about give/take. He is doing all the taking, he owes you some giving. Good luck!
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    (Original post by ipulledhermione)
    awww that's so romantic. Hmm I guess you need to express this to your partner. I mean just listen to yourself, it's not as though you don't want her there for yourself, it's the fact that she is a cruel person who has caused your partner distress, why would he want to invite her to his wedding. Ask him, what is more important: abiding to the social code of weddings or yours and his joint happiness. This is the beginning of a new stage in your life, why in the world would you poison that day, that memory with someone who will no doubt make a fuss and perhaps even ruin the day for you. I don't think your BF is comprehending just exactly what the meaning of a wedding is. It is a new start and it is between TWO, not one person. You are the other half of this marriage, this relationship this family unit and you have every right to voice what you think. If he cannot comprehend and take it on board - why the **** is he marrying you? It's a matter of maturity.

    As for the parents, that is a bit much in my opinion, but there is no 'right' amount of time to be staying over. I personally do not know of anyone, or have heard of anyones parents staying over after marriage. But again, if your BF feels it necessary then it is something you need to discuss with him. Even though it would be nice for them to stay in a hotel, they won't. It costs a lot and what sort of parents says 'Aye I'm going to go visit my son...No we are staying in a B&B' If you have a 2 bed and they want to visit they will stay over. Unless you can sort something out with your BF I really don't know what to say other than: Let your BF know that this is a problem and then when a time comes when you need him to compromise then bring it up. He is not asking you for a one off favour - he is disrupting the course of your day t day life and imposing his rule. You can love him and bear with it but at least understand what cards you have to play with.

    I really don't mean to taint your relationship with 'you did/i did' card playing games but it's all about give/take. He is doing all the taking, he owes you some giving. Good luck!
    You're very insightful and see it the same way as me. Nice to have some confirmation that I'm not being unreasonable.
    Personally, I think my happiness should come before his sisters (but thats only because she's been so nasty, ordinarily I would say she should be on an equal footing to me ). And I also feel that my mental well being should come before his parents demanding to stay with us. This business with the in-laws is an absolute minefield, I can see why people are frightened of marriage! lol. Anyways, thanks for your thoughts
 
 
 
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