I'm going to take a nice shower, wear my favourite clothes and set off to my nearest 24 hour off-licence. There I will buy a bottle of JD and sip it slowly until drunk. Then I will try to commit suicide. I don't know how, I don't know if I'll have the balls, I don't know if I'll die.
I am the biggest douchebag that has existed, I'm sure of it. Maybe it's because I've been a fairly spoiled brat all my life, my parents always willing to forgive me for my mistakes and give me another chance. I've put them through hell in the past few years. I've been a drug addict, gambling addict, alcohol addict and I've failed my A-levels 4 years in a row. Despite this my parents have helped me through my hard times, when I went through depression, they paid for my psychiatrist, and they've paid 12 grand for me to finish my A-levels at a private college.
This summer I went back home for holiday (Turkey). It was an eye opener. I decided to fix up. And surprisingly, I did. I quit smoking weed and cigarettes, I quit gambling and alcohol. I started college, actually did well for a few months. I found a job at a cinema, made new friends, I was fairly happy. Then I started gambling again. I guess life is never good enough for me, I try to hit the jackpot in the hope of getting the things I never got in my childhood days, happiness, a family, my dad. I won some, lost some. My college work deteriorated. I made a lot of money, then lost it. Lost my first paycheck. All those hours of hard work, cleaning up the crap people left behind in a cinema screen (always with a smile, I love my job), all gone in a matter of minutes. I lost my second paycheck too.
Now I'm sitting in bed, laptop on my lap, 4 credit cards hidden under my duvet. All of them my mums. I took them from her purse and lost over £1000 of my mums money.
I will never fix up. Even if i work hard, get AAA go to oxford and graduate, I will never be happy. I'm nearly 21 and I haven't even held hands with a girl ffs. It's just amazing. Life is what you make it, and I've made mine hell. All through terrible choices, fuelled by my scarred past. I've had enough, my time is over.
And yes, I probably won't kill myself, but it feels nice to talk to someone once in a while. Actually talk about real things, not about music, or this and that, pretending everything is ship-shape. Even if it is a forum on tsr.
No need to reply either, I'm beyond help.
Peace and thanks for reading
Off I go... Watch
- Thread Starter
- 03-12-2010 04:39
- 03-12-2010 04:47
don't, just don't do it.
- 03-12-2010 04:49
do u gamble in the hope of getting back what you've lost over the past years? in that case there's no way you are going to make it. otherwise even 500 £ is a good starting bank for your bets and you could have fun if you follow an adequate money managment criterion such as Kelly criterion and similar...
- 03-12-2010 04:55
*The usual suicide is not the anwer reply*
Seeing as you have nothing to lose as you're contemplating suicide, what have you got to lose? 'never held hands with a girl' well get out there and try it. Stop gambling and try replace it with something, masturbation or gaming anything at all. Get out there, go to gigs or try at college.
In the end lifes worthless so make the bloody most out of it, you **** up, you learn (or attempt to) and you proceed onwards, I'm sure there'll be plenty of people telling you not too or some idiots egging you on (scum tbh) but I'll let you make up you're own mind (though with a lil push in the right direction).
Stop any self hating or doubting and just try to look ahead at what can be and make your way there one day at a time.
- 03-12-2010 05:19
You said you consider Turkey your home and that was an eye opener. It seems from what you told us you that this trip sorted out your life temporarily.
My suggestion. Live life in Turkey. Sounds daft in i know but you need some self discipline in your life, maybe a new life in a culture your familiar with is just what you need. If you speak the language and have someone you can live there with then go for it. Get a new job, make new friends. You can always visit family back home on holidays.
It doesn't have to be permenant, just temporary till you know you can contol yourself. Tougher gambling & drinking culture in Turkey could straighten you out.
I had a mate who was going through a rough patch till he quit his job and lived in India (where his parents are from) for a year. He didn't even do a well paid job, i think he was doing farming, but he said the basics was all he needed.
Please know that there are people that care about you, talk to them if you can. Hope it all works out mate.
- 03-12-2010 05:47
08457 90 90 90 Ring the Samaritans. Please read this before you do anything final: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
You lost £1000 of your parents money, but if you choose to end your life then every penny the spent on you will have nothing to show for it. They obviously love and care for you enough to do whatever it takes for you to get what you want, and however angry they may be for what you've done, they'll get over it and will always love you, but if you do this then their hearts will be broken forever. Maybe this is what you needed as a turning point. Prove to yourself and your parents that it wasn't all wasted, work hard and get those grades.
If you're not still seeing a psychiatrist absolutely start going again, depression isn't something that will fix itself, it's a disease and it's extremely difficult to recover from it yourself. Find a gambling addiction support group and don't give yourself time to gamble. Voluntary work is perfect, I'm sure you'll find something to keep your occupied for most of the day. Having a constant routine is the only thing that helped me with mine.
- 03-12-2010 07:13
- 03-12-2010 14:06
Sounds like things are really difficult for you at the moment, I'm sorry. You mention that you'd like to be able to talk to someone - would you consider calling the Samaritans? Their details can be found here: http://www.samaritans.org/ If you don't feel able to speak to them on the phone, you can email them or text them and they will usually respond within a few hours.
I'm going to close this thread now, not because we don't care or we don't want to listen to you, but because we are not in the best position to help you and sometimes people post dangerous advice or make insensitive comments. The people best equipped to listen and not judge are the Samaritans. Please give them a call. Alternatively, the Samaritans can call you with your permission if you feel unable to call them. If you would like me to ask them to call you, please PM me