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My LDR relationship is 5 texts a day - less than number of hours we live apart and.. Watch

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    ..I don't trust her fully, believe everything she tells me is the truth, feel so lonely at times: not so much because I miss her - more because i'm paranoid about her being up to no good and it's just falling apart... is this going to end badly?

    Right, i'll summarise start to finish in this thread in bullet points:

    - Been together just under a year

    - Met up about once a month at the start of the relationship

    - Was really happy with her and never doubted her - 100% trust

    - Continued for about 6 months

    - Found out she lied to me (nothing major - but involved other guys and still a lie)

    - She made a lot of excuses (which apparently weren't her fault - blames her mum)

    - All of this added up and just made me unhappy: I sometimes cried, because I really have done everything for her, given her so many chances, kept her really happy and she does the same too, but not as much as I do and not all the time

    - But, she said and promised she never ever cheated on me

    - Sometimes I believe it, other times I don't; more often than not, I do though

    - We used to talk on phone, instant messaging, etc, regularly and met once a month... now as I said in the title, about 5 texts a day, instant messaging like once a week and phonecalls almost as often as I see her i.e. very rarely

    - Last night I was missing her a lot so rang her... phone went to Orange answer phone messaging. Fair enough, I thought she was asleep and turned her phone off. But her phone wasn't off, she even admitted it to me in the day. Anyway, a bit later I rang, about half-hour, and it was ringing fine...? Clearly, she was lying again and on the phone to somebody else. I mean was there any need? I asked her, she denied it, and said maybe it was signal. Yeah right, lmao. Btw, I don't have a problem with her ringing somebody else or whatever, guy or girl, but i've been asking for a while and I really really missed her and as her boyfriend, I just felt I should have been put first, or atleast certainly not lied to. I'm a very big fan of honesty, and even if it was something bad, like cheating, I would have forgiven her, just for being honest. But I know she would never admit it. Once she told me it was 'less awkward' and 'easier' to not telling me or tell me it was a girl when she met a guy alone. This really pissed me off. Not the meeting guys, the lie. So yeah, that popped up a lot in last nights (lack of - paranoia filled) sleep. This whole paragraph, and others similar to it, are the reason I don't trust her very much, am suspicious she's up to no good behind my back, and most importantly, feel a very very very lack of attention and that her 'love' and attention is shared between other guys and me and that makes me feel like dirt. Just wanna take everything i've ever given her back and tell her to **** off, and I really will do this if it continues. There's a difference between friends and boyfriends and to her what may be normal, to me isn't. So since I have no right or intention to change her to think like me or vice versa, i'll just say 'bye - it isn't going to work', because we're just too different. Sorry for the MASSIVE paragraph - but it was important for those who are going to give serious advice to know where all my 'negativities' came from.

    - The lack of contact/communication is bringing up the lies, excuses, etc and I can't sleep or feel normal and it's all making me trust her less, feel like my attention is shared with other guys, not even in a friendly way, I mean... a lot worse. I'm paranoid she's doing stuff behind my back (I mean if you can lie about meeting other guys - didn't care about the guys, did about the lie, what's stopping you from lying about taking it further?) I had really high hopes for this relationship and now i've just lost them all, well not all, most though

    - It really does affect me so much, like I said above I can't sleep, can't get over it, can't just feel normal that she's mine, fully mine, nothing but mine, and I just demand more love, attention, time, everything otherwise i'm giving it all that I can and not getting anything back and tbh, it's pissing me off now, i'm not even sad anymore, i'm just frustrated, but I won't resort to violence (not with her anyway)


    So, if you've read so far, obviously you'll say dump, leave, it's affecting you, you'll end up hurting yourself or somebody else, but...

    - If she really hasn't cheated, which I do believe more than not, then I can forgive the rest, they are small things - everyone makes mistakes, blah blah crap

    - She can't show me physically much love because I explained the distance and now it's only increasing more and more - so I can't blame her fully (since it's her mum stopping her from talking on phone, going out, etc)

    - I've been told (by her mostly), I could be a lot better off with somebody else but I still want her, but I don't want her with no happiness, no trust, etc. I want her and me to have a good relationship

    - She promises next year, when she moves out for uni, or gets to see me more regularly, she will keep me happy. Atm, I trust this promise but doubt it more and more everyday

    - She says she will do anything that I want, literally anything, she really wants to see me happy, and I know she does, I believe it, but I dunno, I can't accept it in my head

    - She really doesn't want to lose me and admits some of the things she did were a mistake and she promises she will not repeat them or ever hurt me and IF this is true, i'll be really really happy because I do want to be with her, I really do

    So now a few questions, I want to ask anybody who's been in a similar situation:

    1) Can this relationship work? Pretty much a yes/no, will do. Give a reason if you can, although I know you're going to say 'yes - if she keeps her promises', 'no - if she doesn't care about you'.

    2) How do I re-gain trust and lose the paranoia about her cheating, etc? (Read MASSIVE paragraph - If this doesn't happen - this will be the fast immediate destroyer of the relationship; I don't want some 6-month Jeremy Kyle trust program, just something to feel like this is a relationship, not a joke)

    3) How do I (and her) increase communication with her mum being a stupid ****ing *****, until about next September - we will be able to talk/see each other more when she's in uni? (If this doesn't happen - this will be the slow overtime destroyer of the relationship)

    4) How can she show me love and make me feel loved and like i'm the only person she loves, if we don't see each other as much, or at all until next September? She says she wants to, and will do anything, but doesn't really know what to do. I mean I don't even expect much, a phonecall once in a while would keep me happy (yes, you heard right - a phonecall would seem like a relationship to me, that's how bad my head and feelings and thoughts have become) but atm, I don't even get that which I asked her today about and just got the same old mum bull**** excuse?

    5) Even though I don't blame her for half the stuff that upsets me, shall I just leave, and if it was meant to happen, it will. If not, just move on and find somebody else (not the option I want to take - i've never had sex with random girls, and I do just want a long-term sexual and emotional relationship with her, and her only)


    Help, i'm going crazy and i'm guna end up killing myself if I continue to be as hurt as I am and don't get over it. I hate cheats and dishonesty and anything of the sort and I have never done it myself, and nor has she (probably), but I need to make myself believe and accept that.

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    If you cba reading post 1, it is quite long and can be summarised, i'll ask you two questions and i'd appreciate if you answered them:

    1) How do you get rid of paranoia in a relationship? Stop thinking/assuming the worst? Believe and trust your girlfriend when she says she loves you and only you? Listen to her when she says she's never cheated and never will. I believe her, but 1% of me still always thinks 'what if?' and then when I don't speak to her for a long time, she doesn't ring me, I don't see her, it's a very long and complicated LDR, I can't help but think the worst. I really can't help it. 1% becomes A LOT more. Can't sleep at night, nothing. These thoughts destroy me. Absolutely kill me.

    2) How can she show me she loves me from so far away? How can she show me she's committed to me and me only? That there's nobody else behind my back? How can she make me believe that she has never cheated? She loves me, I believe that and she says she'll be willing to do anything, absolutely anything, to make me happy (to show she was grateful for all that i've done and she appreciates me - she took me out for a meal and paid for it all; which was so sweet of her), but she's restricted because she can't see me much (or at all, at times - for 2-3 months), and I don't know... a few phonecalls or summin' would make me really happy, but as explained in post 1, because of her mum, she can't even do that. :|

    Help please.
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    Wow. This sounds incredibly toxic. Relatonships are supposed to be an extension of your life - in a positive way!! Whether she's been unfaithful or you are incredibly insecure, this reltionship is taking over your life in a very negative way. That's not good for you! I empathise to a point, but there comes a time where you have to decide whether the negatives are outweighing the positives, and you sound desperately unhappy. How long this goes on for is very much up to you, I don't think your insecurity is going to improve much, nor is she just going to suddenly decide not to talk to her male friends or call you every night. LDRs only work if you are on the same page, you two are clearly not.
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    Leave her, brutally. Two consecutive text messages, the first one being 'I love you' and the second being 'It's over'. Only this will rectify the rightful paranoia that you have felt.

    Alternatively, you could try talking to her about how you feel...
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    (Original post by Schroedinger's Pandora)
    Wow. This sounds incredibly toxic. Relatonships are supposed to be an extension of your life - in a positive way!! Whether she's been unfaithful or you are incredibly insecure, this reltionship is taking over your life in a very negative way. That's not good for you! I empathise to a point, but there comes a time where you have to decide whether the negatives are outweighing the positives, and you sound desperately unhappy. How long this goes on for is very much up to you, I don't think your insecurity is going to improve much, nor is she just going to suddenly decide not to talk to her male friends or call you every night. LDRs only work if you are on the same page, you two are clearly not.
    Thanks, but this much I already knew.

    This relationship needs improving and I made the thread to basically ask...

    "How do we get this LDR on the same page? Can you please advise me, what actions should me and her take individually to make it a good and happy one? It started so well and now it's falling apart... advice?"

    Ta for replying though.

    :hugs:
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    At the end of the day , if you have told her how you're feeling and the relationship still isn't improving, then she isn't on the same page as you. She clearly doesn't feel the need to ring you every night or doesn't find it odd to lie to you about meeting guys. Lying is bad enough in a normal relatonship but a long distance one? Your head's all over the place, get out before you get sucked into a massive pit of depression. Sometimes things just arent meant to be.
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    Leave it your clearly not happy and the point of being in a relationship it to be happy... you deserve to be happy with someone you love.
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    Firstly, if you've been together just under a year, and you used to meet like once a month...have you only met her like twelve times?

    That point is pretty irrelevant though, I was just curious.

    My one experience of an LDR failed because we didn't talk enough and he kept making up bad excuses as to why he couldn't talk to me more. And I got fed up of it because I knew I deserved better. We were together nearly two years and by the last couple of months I was physically ill from the stress and pain he put me through. Lack of communication and extreme lack of trust for him (he was very vocal about finding other girls attractive at times) just made me go a bit crazy. So I ended it.

    Your situation sounds kind of similar. A relationship isn't something that is necessary for survival that means your individuality is compromised as you are absorbed into a two person unit. A relationship is about being yourself, but with someone else. It's something that makes you happy and enriches your life because there's someone there who you can depend on and who can depend on you. And if it doesn't make you happy, but instead means you're lying awake all night panicking and feeling paranoid, then there is something seriously wrong.

    I'll give you mine and my boyfriend's relationship philosophy and hope it helps. I'll write it as a fun flow chart (mainly cause I can't really think how to word it properly to get the point across).

    1.) Are you happy? Yes: Go to 2, No: Go to 3
    2.) Continue as is. Return to 1 if anything changes.
    3.) Can you change it? Yes: Go to 4, No: Go to 6
    4.) Talk it over with your partner and change what isn't making you happy. Go to 5
    5.) Did it work? Yes: Go to 2, No: Go to 6
    6.) End the relationship, preferably on agreeable terms.
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    (Original post by emmielociraptor)
    Firstly, if you've been together just under a year, and you used to meet like once a month...have you only met her like twelve times?

    Yep - summin' like that; sometimes I didn't see her for 2-2.5 months, but in one period, I saw her 3 times in 3 weeks.

    That point is pretty irrelevant though, I was just curious.

    My one experience of an LDR failed because we didn't talk enough and he kept making up bad excuses as to why he couldn't talk to me more. And I got fed up of it because I knew I deserved better. We were together nearly two years and by the last couple of months I was physically ill from the stress and pain he put me through. Lack of communication and extreme lack of trust for him (he was very vocal about finding other girls attractive at times) just made me go a bit crazy. So I ended it.

    Your situation sounds kind of similar. A relationship isn't something that is necessary for survival that means your individuality is compromised as you are absorbed into a two person unit. A relationship is about being yourself, but with someone else. It's something that makes you happy and enriches your life because there's someone there who you can depend on and who can depend on you. And if it doesn't make you happy, but instead means you're lying awake all night panicking and feeling paranoid, then there is something seriously wrong.

    Yeah... :/

    I'll give you mine and my boyfriend's relationship philosophy and hope it helps. I'll write it as a fun flow chart (mainly cause I can't really think how to word it properly to get the point across).

    1.) Are you happy? Yes: Go to 2, No: Go to 3
    2.) Continue as is. Return to 1 if anything changes.
    3.) Can you change it? Yes: Go to 4, No: Go to 6
    4.) Talk it over with your partner and change what isn't making you happy. Go to 5
    5.) Did it work? Yes: Go to 2, No: Go to 6
    6.) End the relationship, preferably on agreeable terms.
    Thanks, will have a go at changing it, if not, time to end on 'good/agreeable' terms.

    If you don't mind me asking - how exactly though? What should/can possibly change? I mean it would be easier to say X and Y if we saw each other lots, but we don't. I guess the only thing I can ask for is more attention (via phone, meeting if possible, whatever) for now; that will make me trust her more and more too, and lose these 'panicky' feelings. She has made me promises and I believe and hope she will keep them but most (if not all) of them involve when she sees me, what more can she do now? I can't exactly say cut the excuses, I'm just forced into a position where I have to understand it's not her fault (and her mums - whom she doesn't speak against) and tolerate them, even if I don't deserve them. :dontknow:

    Thanks for the reply and advice and potential consequences, though.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks, will have a go at changing it, if not, time to end on 'good/agreeable' terms.

    If you don't mind me asking - how exactly though? What should/can possibly change? I mean it would be easier to say X and Y if we saw each other lots, but we don't. I guess the only thing I can ask for is more attention (via phone, meeting if possible, whatever) for now; that will make me trust her more and more too, and lose these 'panicky' feelings. She has made me promises and I believe and hope she will keep them but most (if not all) of them involve when she sees me, what more can she do now? I can't exactly say cut the excuses, I'm just forced into a position where I have to understand it's not her fault (and her mums - whom she doesn't speak against) and tolerate them, even if I don't deserve them. :dontknow:

    Thanks for the reply and advice and potential consequences, though.
    Just tell her what you told us basically. Tell her what's bothering you and what you need from her and if she can't give you what you need then you have your answer. It may be worth finding out if there's anything that's bothering her too that you can help with.
 
 
 
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