Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Female in twenties - Previous abuse/violence...Can't date. Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Basically, as a young girl I have grown up seeing women in my life being abused by men generation after generation. Additionally, I have experienced going through a period where violence was used on a female figure to 'put her in her place'. Growing up, I was physically repeatedly beaten by male siblings and sons of family friends to again, 'put me in my place, 'make me feel that I have wronged' and that 'I deserved it'. By this, I mean physically punched, pushed, hit and at one time kicked in the face. The majority of this occurence was pre-16.

    As a child I was touched inappropriately at times and did not know that it was wrong back then. Age 11, a trusted male role model indirectly sexually abused me and at age 14, a trusted family friend who watched me grow up started to prey and groom me. It was a different side to this male's persona who abused the vulnerability in me. Although these 2 incidents each occurred once, I still have memories of them and they have had some profound effect on me.

    I am disheartened to have grown up finally realising the impact it has had on me. I definitely do not look at men the same way, and this applies to all which is a shame. Everytime I have given a chance to a guy and pursued ahead with a relationship, it turns out they are pretty much the same. I am now starting to think that maybe it is the type of personality I have that is attracted the same type of guy.

    Currently, I am not ready to date, yet even go any further 'all the way' with a guy. I cannot let men touch me and no matter how much I deny it, there is some sense of fear present towards males in general. Now that I am in university, I have so far experienced males who either try and 'get into me' or males who are nice as friends first and then 'strike' and you see their true colours.

    I know some of you may suggest counselling, but I can't see a few sessions of talking to someone can wipe away the damage that has been done. I have tried self-help and educating myself with psychological books - The best ones in fact. I know what to avoid, what to look out for to protect myself etc. But still, they never wipe away the past and I still experience disappointments with males in all senses.

    I know for my own comfort, sanity and protection, I should not date right now but I feel as though if I can't be ready now..when will I ever be ready? Am I destined to be alone for a lifetime because of violations in the past?

    Frankly, I feel quite robbed of a life and lastly, with regards to experiencing any kind of love emotionally and physically. I am now approaching 23..
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    I am a strong advocate of counselling in such situations. I think you would be surprised how powerful it can be talking to someone and letting these things out.
    • #2
    #2

    This might not help you much but I grew up in a violent household from which we managed to escape when I was 15 (basically we were trapped with threats of violence). I moved in with a guy at 18, who turned out to be violent too - on the outside I went for someone who was from a completely different background, look and even nationality from my father but he turned out to have the same, violent horrible side. Even though I swore to go for the opposite. Now again, I'm trying to escape because he has his own set of threats (non-violent this time). But that's not to say you'll be the same. I don't think I'm going to move in with a man again unless I know him REALLY WELL, I actually don't have the desire to anymore. Get to know men, don't jump into anything too fast -- you don't have to give up altogether at all. Find a doctor to talk to, to work out your issues which is something I didn't do.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Reflexive)
    I am a strong advocate of counselling in such situations. I think you would be surprised how powerful it can be talking to someone and letting these things out.
    Who exactly could I approach though? Should I go for counselling in my university or referred from a GP? One of the reasons why I have avoided so far is as I have stated it above, but also because I did not want such information to leak out onto a medical record. I also did not feel comfortable knowing that the university would know that I am a receiver of counselling.

    I have thought about it on many occasions. It's just proceeding ahead with it. But I do wish to do something about it because I don't want to leave it too late. As years pass by, I feel more and more robbed. Additionally, I still feel vulnerable and apprehensive at university, particularly because there are males varying in age to a great extent. The latest incident has involved an older male inflicting violence indirectly to show me all the actions in quotations above. The consequential result is that I grovelled, begged for forgiveness and had to be sorry. Lastly, I have been burdened with the injection of fear into me
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This might not help you much but I grew up in a violent household from which we managed to escape when I was 15 (basically we were trapped with threats of violence). I moved in with a guy at 18, who turned out to be violent too - on the outside I went for someone who was from a completely different background, look and even nationality from my father but he turned out to have the same, violent horrible side. Even though I swore to go for the opposite. Now again, I'm trying to escape because he has his own set of threats (non-violent this time). But that's not to say you'll be the same. I don't think I'm going to move in with a man again unless I know him REALLY WELL, I actually don't have the desire to anymore. Get to know men, don't jump into anything too fast -- you don't have to give up altogether at all. Find a doctor to talk to, to work out your issues which is something I didn't do.
    I actually do understand. I didn't mention in the post above that I have been in an abusive and violent relationship. Again, this is what made me realise something wasn't right and turn to self-help books. Even the most innocently looking and nicest of all guys can be abusive and violent. This is what led me to believe that it was my persona that attracted such men into my life. It further damages me. But one thing I have noticed from all this through generations and direct/indirect experience, is the occurence of such traumatic actions from such men are related to control, rights and dominance.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have thought about it on many occasions. It's just proceeding ahead with it. But I do wish to do something about it because I don't want to leave it too late. As years pass by, I feel more and more robbed. Additionally, I still feel vulnerable and apprehensive at university, particularly because there are males varying in age to a great extent. The latest incident has involved an older male inflicting violence indirectly to show me all the actions in quotations above. The consequential result is that I grovelled, begged for forgiveness and had to be sorry. Lastly, I have been burdened with the injection of fear into me
    I don't quite understand what you mean with the latter part of that. So this was violence that you witnessed? In which case why did you have to beg for forgiveness.

    Much better to go through your university since NHS waiting lists can be very long. The uni service keeps it to themselves - your department will not know. You don't need to worry about it going on your medical record. It could turn out to be one of the best things you've ever done. I know a lot about accessing counselling and about it in general. PM me if you want to discuss in private.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Who exactly could I approach though? Should I go for counselling in my university or referred from a GP? One of the reasons why I have avoided so far is as I have stated it above, but also because I did not want such information to leak out onto a medical record. I also did not feel comfortable knowing that the university would know that I am a receiver of counselling.
    University counselling is probably a good idea. With the GP there's likely to be a longer waiting list. It won't go on any medical record, and only the counselling service will have any record of you having counselling. It won't be shared with any academic staff or anything like that. Of course don't expect a few sessions to "fix" you.

    Now that I am in university, I have so far experienced males who either try and 'get into me' or males who are nice as friends first and then 'strike' and you see their true colours.
    Chances are some of those guys are actually decent. But given your past experiences it's understandable that you wouldn't see them that way. I mean it's normal that if someone genuinely likes you they will make a move on you, if that's what you mean by "strike".
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Reflexive)
    I don't quite understand what you mean with the latter part of that. So this was violence that you witnessed? In which case why did you have to beg for forgiveness.

    Much better to go through your university since NHS waiting lists can be very long. The uni service keeps it to themselves - your department will not know. You don't need to worry about it going on your medical record. It could turn out to be one of the best things you've ever done. I know a lot about accessing counselling and about it in general. PM me if you want to discuss in private.
    The male became angry with me but obviously hitting or physically beating me would land him with a criminal record for assault. Therefore, he was aggressive indirectly by becoming mentally eratic towards me - Becoming violent, breaking things and throwing everything around. Nevertheless, it still had the same impact on me regardless of whether the attack was directly or indirectly inflicted upon me. The effect was just the same where fear was injected into me, but just that there were no scars to show for it.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Are you lonely? Like you I think you should not date at the moment at least, and instead focus on becoming strong, happy and confident on your own. I have no experience with counseling but I suppose it could help with that.

    Do NOT ever date just because it's the done thing / you think you have to. You do not have to be in a relationship to be happy.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The male became angry with me but obviously hitting or physically beating me would land him with a criminal record for assault. Therefore, he was aggressive indirectly by becoming mentally eratic towards me - Becoming violent, breaking things and throwing everything around. Nevertheless, it still had the same impact on me regardless of whether the attack was directly or indirectly inflicted upon me. The effect was just the same where fear was injected into me, but just that there were no scars to show for it.
    I think you've been unlucky to dated such nobs, though like you say there could be some peverse way in which you're attracting such people. I don't think you're gonna get to the bottom of that on a TSR thread tbh.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Reflexive)
    I think you've been unlucky to dated such nobs, though like you say there could be some peverse way in which you're attracting such people. I don't think you're gonna get to the bottom of that on a TSR thread tbh.
    I know TSR isn't the answer to my problem, it's just reassurance. Like I mentioned, I do want to go ahead with counselling. It's just plunging ahead with it. The only problem I am worried about is whether counselling will open up more emotions which may make me become more fragile and unstable to work. After all, helping one problem may not help another but make it worse i.e. Affecting studies.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know TSR isn't the answer to my problem, it's just reassurance. Like I mentioned, I do want to go ahead with counselling. It's just plunging ahead with it. The only problem I am worried about is whether counselling will open up more emotions which may make me become more fragile and unstable to work. After all, helping one problem may not help another but make it worse i.e. Affecting studies.
    This is true so perhaps you might want to put it off. Though beware of rationalisations you might be making to avoid the emotional effort.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    You seem very good at expressing yourself in writing and if you feel that you'd not talk to someone in person about this (at least at first), the Samaritans are very, very good. A few years ago when I used them, they had a system where you’d literally email them your problems and the email is answered by a trained Samaritan. The emails are answered by a different person each time, but you really can't tell that. They're a Christian organisation, but they don't push any religious views whatsoever. Luckily, I've never had to use them since then, but I'd definitely speak to them again if I needed to.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: December 4, 2010
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    What newspaper do you read/prefer?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.