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    I know what I'm about to put will sound incredibly selfish to a lot of people so sorry in advance. Also sorry for how long this is...

    I dont know why I'm posting this on here, just to get it off my chest I suppose and seeing as my parents wont take me seriously...

    Since I was thirteen I've been struggling to keep it together. It started with this really out of the blue crazy obsession with germs, I became so petrified of catching anything that I'd constantly be washing me hands and my lips so much so that they eventually got so sore that they bled cos of all the cuts. Obviously my parents noticed but I was mortified with what I was doing, I knew it wasnt right, but felt that if I told them the truth they'd laugh at me or worse feel sorry for me. Likewise, if I stopped, bad things would happen. So I blamed it on echzma which I used to suffer from as a child.

    Anyway, this whole fixation got more overwhelming with time, soon I was turning taps on and off etc a certain number of times e.g. 9 would be a good number but never 4. I'd also have to chant certain words over and over again to keep me 'safe'. This really messed me up trying to keep it a secret- only a couple of my friends know about it even now.

    So I got to 15, and like lots of teenagers I became paranoid about my looks but soon I got addicted to checking the mirror, got obsessed over my nose, my skin etc to the point that I wouldnt leave the house if I didnt look 'right'. I felt like the ugliest person in the room constantly and can remember sitting in front of my mirror drawing in eyeliner all of the parts of my face I'd like to change over it then crying. I know it sounds vein and I hate it but I find it hard to look people in the eye cos I'm scared of them being disgusted by my appearance.

    All of this led me to feeling really low and when I told my parents I felt ugly and upset they said it was part of being a teenager. But nowadays I can feel brief bursts of happiness where I feel untouchable and in control followed by literally weeks of sadness and this feeling of hopelessness that just kills me.

    This year I feel like it's all caught up with me. Whereas before I could keep it a secret more or less how I was feeling, now I cant be bothered. I'm tired of life tbh even though I realise that I've been dealt a pretty good hand, I cant see a future truly I cant.

    Looking back at home vids, I remember how lively I used to be always smiling, but I cant remember the last morning I woke up and felt truly positive.

    I'm not looking for sympathy, I know I'll probs get loads of stick for being so selfish when there's people out there dying, this is purely my way of being able to state what's been going on in my life, I really cant understand where and why it all went wrong.



    kinda sounds like OCD/depression/another disorder which i cant name, but basically means you look in the mirror and dont see yourself as others see you. i think if you spoke to a doctor about this they could find ways to help you. i know you can get medication which helps with certain types of OCD, for example.
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Updated: December 6, 2010
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