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How to end a long term, long distance relationship with someone infatuated with you? Watch

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    Hello TSR, wanting to keep it short and not hurl a massive essay at people out there, I want to outline my problem in bullet points. I would massively appreciate some help, maybe even from people who have had a similar experience before, because I feel completely trapped

    The background:
    - First relationship.
    - Been in a long term relationship for almost 4 years now.
    - It's been long distance since June 2009 (we're on opposite ends of the world) but we are supposed to be in the same country from next year.
    - Over the past year I've lost interest, but tried to force myself to recoup my feelings for her (didn't work).
    - For the past half a year it's become more and more clear to me that I want to end this relationship. Still tried to force myself to reciprocate her feelings for me, which as I said didn't and doesn't work.
    - All this has nothing to do with other girls/love interest/wanting to shag people. I'm unhappy in my relationship and feel almost suffocated by it, and it almost feels like a chore to keep her happy and the only real reason I'm in it is to keep her happy, as I still care about her. I don't love her anymore though, which I've been (successfully) hiding for a long time now.

    The problem:
    - I want to break up with her. I don't want to keep having to pretend I'm happy with our relationship, that's not fair on her or me.
    - She is completely obsessed with me, infatuated even. She suspects absolutely nothing and seems to genuinely believe that our relationship would never end. I don't think she would ever even think about breaking up with me, at least not anywhere in the near future.
    - She is looking forward to our 4 year anniversary like nothing else (early next year), and she seems completely oblivious that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. She might have a very slight idea, but it's definitely not anywhere near as serious as I'm contemplating ending the relationship...
    - As crazy or ridiculous as this may sound, I'm actually worried she would fall into massive depression if I broke up with her (she is extremely emotional and has had to take medication for depression before) and that she would harm herself and never be happy again

    Some other issues:
    - Until I see her in person next year, the only way to be in touch with her is Email, because of the time difference
    - I know breaking up my email or sms or such is really weak. But would it genuinely be better if I waited for her to get back, and tell her I'm breaking up shortly before or after our 4 year anniversary?

    So, that's my problem I'm in a long term, long distance relationship i don't want to be in, with someone who is completely obsessed with me and who I'm not sure would recover any time soon were I to break up with her... It feels like if I broke up with her, I would be some sort of wolf eating up red riding hood, and I don't want to ruin someone's life at the same time I can't keep lying to myself and her, pretending that everything is fine...

    Does anyone have any tips on how to tackle this? The only thing I know for sure is that it can't stay this way

    PS: turned out to be longer post than I planned, sorry about that =/
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    You can't seriously be planning to end such a relationship over email or text - what a douchbag!
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    Even if you do end it over email or text it's not like you can't have a conversation after it. I feel really sorry for you because of your situation and I hope everyone is okay at the end of it.

    Don't you talk on MSN or Skype or anything?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Wall of text
    You sure its not just the way you are feeling is due to the fact that you have been apart for so long? Keeping in touch is all well and good, but you can only but so much love in an email and a text!

    It worth it for you to see if you feel any different when you can actually see each other in the flesh? If so, wait and see what happens, if not just end it with a "Dear John" letter. Letters are nicer than emails and texts even if its to break up.
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    get 4 year anniversary sex and then break up with her.
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    Okay, so I was gonna suggest waiting until you see her in person - but if you keep waiting for the 'right time' to break up with her it is obviously never going to come. I do, however, think dumping her over SMS or e-mail is a bit weak, particularly seeing as you've been together so long... but obviously you can't wait until you see her in person. Do you have Skype? (Admittedly that still involves using technology as your medium, but at least it'd kinda be face-to-face). Just tread gently OP and good luck...
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    (Original post by Broderss)
    get 4 year anniversary sex and then break up with her.
    LAD
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    this might be interesting to you.

    i experienced the exact same thing 2 years ago, except i was the girl who the guy dated AFTER he was dumped by this girl who is in the exact same position as you are in.
    they were in a relationship for like 4 years. in high school and in a community where love at a young age is frowned upon, so technically can be looked upon as a long distance relationship :P

    she started losing interest and started to realised she would be much happier with someone else or even Alone. so she tried breaking up with him, but he'd not let it happen. it took her almost 2 years and severe hurting to finally get him off her. he started to hate her like hell and also went into severe clinical depression. (he had taken pills for depression earlier too)

    i started dating him because i thought he needed that support, but instead actually fell for him and DIED when i started to realise everything he said or did was in spite of her, rather than in love for me.

    he's dating someone else now, though im sure she's still on his mind.

    But he's a guy, so they people directly connected didnt face much outwardly as much as he hit himself intrinsically. in other words, you're chick is going to give you hell. and keep sending you 'ill never forget you' texts and random **** like that.

    pm me if you need more help. But break up with her sooner than later, breaking up before the anniversary is better, at least she doesnt get to say 'he waited 4 YEARS BEFORE HE DITCHED ME VIA EMAIL, THE DOUCHE'

    edit: omg my ex sounds like a complete poof. i think you might have helped me finally get rid of those residual feelings OP )
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello TSR, wanting to keep it short and not hurl a massive essay at people out there, I want to outline my problem in bullet points. I would massively appreciate some help, maybe even from people who have had a similar experience before, because I feel completely trapped

    The background:
    - First relationship.
    - Been in a long term relationship for almost 4 years now.
    - It's been long distance since June 2009 (we're on opposite ends of the world) but we are supposed to be in the same country from next year.
    - Over the past year I've lost interest, but tried to force myself to recoup my feelings for her (didn't work).
    - For the past half a year it's become more and more clear to me that I want to end this relationship. Still tried to force myself to reciprocate her feelings for me, which as I said didn't and doesn't work.
    - All this has nothing to do with other girls/love interest/wanting to shag people. I'm unhappy in my relationship and feel almost suffocated by it, and it almost feels like a chore to keep her happy and the only real reason I'm in it is to keep her happy, as I still care about her. I don't love her anymore though, which I've been (successfully) hiding for a long time now.

    The problem:
    - I want to break up with her. I don't want to keep having to pretend I'm happy with our relationship, that's not fair on her or me.
    - She is completely obsessed with me, infatuated even. She suspects absolutely nothing and seems to genuinely believe that our relationship would never end. I don't think she would ever even think about breaking up with me, at least not anywhere in the near future.
    - She is looking forward to our 4 year anniversary like nothing else (early next year), and she seems completely oblivious that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. She might have a very slight idea, but it's definitely not anywhere near as serious as I'm contemplating ending the relationship...
    - As crazy or ridiculous as this may sound, I'm actually worried she would fall into massive depression if I broke up with her (she is extremely emotional and has had to take medication for depression before) and that she would harm herself and never be happy again

    Some other issues:
    - Until I see her in person next year, the only way to be in touch with her is Email, because of the time difference
    - I know breaking up my email or sms or such is really weak. But would it genuinely be better if I waited for her to get back, and tell her I'm breaking up shortly before or after our 4 year anniversary?

    So, that's my problem I'm in a long term, long distance relationship i don't want to be in, with someone who is completely obsessed with me and who I'm not sure would recover any time soon were I to break up with her... It feels like if I broke up with her, I would be some sort of wolf eating up red riding hood, and I don't want to ruin someone's life at the same time I can't keep lying to myself and her, pretending that everything is fine...

    Does anyone have any tips on how to tackle this? The only thing I know for sure is that it can't stay this way

    PS: turned out to be longer post than I planned, sorry about that =/
    Sorry to hear that another ltr ldr is going down the tubes.

    Probably the best way to get yourself out of this situation is to give her reason to want to break up with you. That way she can be very angry with you and move on with her life.

    Don’t do email or snail mail, do something like webcam with skype video. Tell her that you would like to do something outrageous for your fourth such as an mff with her best friend. That will probably trip her trigger. Another thought is to hire a local to walk around nude in the background while you’re talking with her on webcam.

    Yeah I know, everybody will say I’m a cold bloodied SOB, but your real interest should be in her and setting her free. The best way to do that is to give her reason to hate you so she can move on instead of clinging to the idea that you may get back together. Please don’t play the ‘Oh it’s not you it’s me’ BS that most in your position do.

    Best wishes
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    the time difference is a poor excuse not to talk to her on the phone
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    I think for one day of your life you should get up in the middle of the night to speak to her on webcam.

    Goodness me, how was this ever working? I'm in an international LDR after the guy I was living with went abroad with work but I can't imagine how it works never speaking on the phone even?

    If you were my bloke feeling like this, I'd want you to end it over the webcam as soon as possible now really. You sound like this isn't a snap decision and that you've really made your mind up. I think waiting to see her in a couple of months is pretty cruel as obviously she's going to be really excited about it and also probably planning anniversary activities and what not as she sounds like she's into that kind of thing. This is just going to cause an even bigger thump to the ground for her.

    I think you should send her an email to schedule a call with her as soon as really and break it to her gently but firmly to her. Don't say anything cruel but also it's so important you make it crystal clear that it's totally over. I would then break off all contact.

    Good luck!
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    whoa. if you have that much to say about an LDR, youve wasted your life. LDRs are good for jerking off if porn doesnt get you there anymore, bad for actual life and cereal busines. text the slut and tell her you have been diagnosed with schizophrenia but you think theyre wrong. all capital letters..
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    (Original post by reisen)
    the time difference is a poor excuse not to talk to her on the phone
    This ^

    Last year I lived in England while my girlfriend lived in America (8 hours behind) I'd regularly stay up till 6am my time just to talk to her until she went to bed 10pm her time. (Pretty much daily)
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    Simple just tell her, it will hurt her but do you want this dragging on much longer, least then she is free to find someone else.
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    A possible suggestion, break up with her soon on the phone or something. But say let's meet up for coffee when you're both in the same country? And you could give stuff you have of hers and she of yours back so it is definitely a broken up meeting. And just have that time to give it face-to-face closure?

    You already know it's going to be tough no matter you do, so be nice and gentle (obviously) about it but be very clear about what you say. Make sure if she really thinks about it she can't construe any of it wrongly, e.g. if you say 'it's not working out like this' she may think 'i can do something different and make it work!'

    Also, obviously you know her better lol but it's a possibility she does suspect something/feels slightly like this herself and that's why she's clinging on so bad, because even if she thought it wasn't working that great/fell out of love she still feels the need to have you as support and doesn't want to lose you no matter what, for that long a relationship you must be a real comfort to her, in love or not.

    Good luck man, hope whatever you do it goes alright
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    Why post anonymous if you're that eager to dump her? :eyeball:

    As for your question, you're mucking her about and being very dishonest now frankly. Man up, be straight and dump her so you can all move on sooner. Ignorance is not bliss. You may not be cheating but you are lying. Surely she deserves better than that?
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    (Original post by Rancorous)
    You can't seriously be planning to end such a relationship over email or text - what a douchbag!
    I agree.... my boyfriend did this to me last week after nearly 4 years together.

    I won't see him until Christmas because we are at different unis.

    BUT I do think if you're so far away from eachother, it would be better to break it off just to not lead her on.

    When will you see her again OP?
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    (Original post by trooper6)
    Sorry to hear that another ltr ldr is going down the tubes.

    Probably the best way to get yourself out of this situation is to give her reason to want to break up with you. That way she can be very angry with you and move on with her life.

    Don’t do email or snail mail, do something like webcam with skype video. Tell her that you would like to do something outrageous for your fourth such as an mff with her best friend. That will probably trip her trigger. Another thought is to hire a local to walk around nude in the background while you’re talking with her on webcam.

    Yeah I know, everybody will say I’m a cold bloodied SOB, but your real interest should be in her and setting her free. The best way to do that is to give her reason to hate you so she can move on instead of clinging to the idea that you may get back together. Please don’t play the ‘Oh it’s not you it’s me’ BS that most in your position do.

    Best wishes
    I've been in a similar situation.

    That's the easiest way but not the best, especially when she doesn't really deserve it.

    Just text her saying you need to talk to her one night then do it over the phone. Odds are that she's probably sort of clicked on how you're feeling lately, she just doesn't want to admit it's true. Her way of keeping a positive tint on things is to keep going on about your 4 year anniversary as if everything will be ok.

    Phone her and tell her.
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    (Original post by johno090)
    I've been in a similar situation.

    That's the easiest way but not the best, especially when she doesn't really deserve it.

    Just text her saying you need to talk to her one night then do it over the phone. Odds are that she's probably sort of clicked on how you're feeling lately, she just doesn't want to admit it's true. Her way of keeping a positive tint on things is to keep going on about your 4 year anniversary as if everything will be ok.

    Phone her and tell her.
    Let me be clear; she doesn’t deserve anything that she’s going to get. She has already wasted four of her prime years on him.

    If you say ‘well I just want to move along with life’ or ‘we just can’t spend enough time together’ or ‘it’s not you it’s me’ kind of BS, you’re giving her some hope that you can get back together.

    While it may stroke your ego to feel that she still cares for you years down the road and stills has hope, it’s just outright cruel to leave her with that kind of emotional baggage imo.

    I believe that if you ever cared for her and are determined to end the relationship; you have a responsibility to help her move on. Do her a favor; give her a reason to break up with you (you’re not going to be heartbroken if she breaks up with you anyway).

    Sometimes doing the right thing is not doing the nicest thing.

    Best wishes
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    Just do a runner.

    Or pretend that you thought that it had finished anyway. :hmmmm2:
 
 
 
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