Right so about 3 months ago now, I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me 9 months into our relationship, he kissed another girl, nothing major but still no excuse for it and it still caused the hugest break down of trust. cheating is cheating. over two of the last three months i was distraught but he stayed by me telling me how sorry he was and wouldnt let me give up on our relationship even when times were at their hardest. and i'd say about a month ago i began to get over what has happened. im not totally over it, but enough to say that i really want to put it in the past now, i've decided to give him his last chance, it's up to him whether he wants to stay faithfull to me this time. if he doesn't then i'm gone. it's up to him. however lately we've been having a few little arguments only over tiny little things but they've usually blown out of control on his part, i can manage to stay perfectly calm, but he gets angry and in a mess, he usually ends up in tears saying he doesn't know what to do, he feels lost and empty, he tells me he hates himself for what he's done to me. basically hes stuck in a hole, he can't seem to move on from what he's done. i want him to so bad, but, what can i do? should i carry on just being there for him helping him to get over it and move forward. or should i break up with him for his sake? i'm so stuck. i want to make things better. does what he's feeling show he's truly sorry and can i trust him not to do it again? so confused, any advice is welcome... thanks.
My boyfriend cheated on me, HE can't get over it...? Help me... So stuck.. Watch
- 08-12-2010 14:21
- 08-12-2010 15:59
I am in almost exactly the same situation. We've decided to take a break, so we can both reflect on what has happened. I need time to forgive him and see if I could trust him again, while he said he needs time to forgive himself for what has happened, and decide if he can truly commit.
I can't tell you if everything is going to be okay after taking this break, especially as it's tearing me apart, trying to deal with what has happened and trying to deal with the possibility that he might not want to continue the relationship if he feels he can't commit, etc.
Just remember that you are of course the one who should have the upper hand in all of this, as you are the one who was cheated on and didn't deserve it. But at the same time, try to consider that things can't go back to normal immediately. He has certain issues to deal with too, and it's two people who make the relationship.
If he's decent, he'll be feeling awful about what he did (sounds like he does). Maybe take a short break to give you both some time to consider what has happened? Most threads I've read on here, and people that I've spoken to say that a relationship can't move past the cheating unless both people have accepted and forgiven what has happened. You both might just need some time apart to deal with what has happened. Hope that helps x
- 08-12-2010 22:30
I think a break sounds like a good idea, however like you said there's the possibility that he may not want to continue after, but i guess its worth the risk, i don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel like they really can be with me.
- 09-12-2010 11:54
I'm in exactly the same position as Anon #2. The post could have been written by me. (It's kind of consoling to know that there are more people in this situation.)
We've been on this break for almost three weeks now (with no contact whatsoever - I removed him from facebook to get separation), and it's got to the stage where I know that I love him and forgive him for what he did. Ultimately, though, he needs to forgive himself too, and he needs to know that he wants to commit to me if we're going to be able to move on from this.
The possibility that he may not want to carry on with the relationship is absolutely terrifying to me, because I love him a lot and really don't want to lose him. But if he doesn't want to stay with me after this time apart, well, he was never going to be happy with me. And after everything he's already put me through (with the cheating and then the second thoughts), I deserve better. And so do you, OP - if you take a break and he doesn't want to get back together, then you'll know what his feelings really are, and you can go out and find someone who'll be crazy about you. No relationship is perfect, but it's not unreasonable to hold out for someone who's sure about wanting to be with you.
- 09-12-2010 22:13
Does any one else get the impression that he might still be hiding something because of the guilt? Or is the guilt understandable?
- 09-12-2010 22:17
Just make it clear that it's his last chance. And if he decides he doesn't really want to be with you, then he isn't worth it anyway.
- 09-12-2010 22:44
Possibly, why not ask him? Have you? Although mine is quite devastated and has sworn nothing else had happened.
- 09-12-2010 22:57
I could never get back with a cheater- purely because I personally couldn't get over it.
Maybe you should go on a break?
- 09-12-2010 23:07
- 09-12-2010 23:08
I would leave him, but then I would never have given him a second chance after finding out he cheated in the first place. You say he wouldn't let you give up on the relationship? Do you mean that literally? He has no right to make you do anything.
- 09-12-2010 23:13
He cheated on you and you forgave him and you've put it in the past.
If he ever does do it again, get him to tell you immediately and then of course you should break up with him.
Its good that he admitted it to you instead of hiding it from you.
You should question him and ask him if there is anything else.
His reactions could be either that theres more to the story, or that he truly feels sorry for what hes done and he is still carrying the guilt and blame for it.
- 09-12-2010 23:24
He's sworn to me he'd never let it happen again, although I told him not to swear anything because you never know. He promised if anything ever did happen again he'd tell me straight off because he'd know that he'd no way deserve to be with me and he wouldn't want to put me through the pain again...
- 09-12-2010 23:25
ouchhh hard one.
it's not like a mega cheat..
plus he's sorry about it..
what worries me is that you've had arguments aminly cos of him..but if it's cos he blames himself for cheating on you then its a different story..but what if it's cos he knows you wont leave him?
i think give him ONE more chance but thats it. no going back afterwards..
- 09-12-2010 23:30
You’re dating a girl.
- 09-12-2010 23:47
It sounds like he is making you pity him so it looks like he is the victim.
I know because ive done this myself (not cheated but other arguements) where i make it seem like the girlfriend is in the wrong and i should be felt sorry for.
its not a good trait and i try not to do it. I dont know what its called, just manipulative i guess.
Either way, he is milking it big time.