This will probably turn out to be a long post, so apologies in advance, its mainly just something to allow me to vent.
Basically, I hate the way I look. I'm a 5'10" girl with 38-27-38 proportions, so yeh, I'm pretty 'curvy'. But I hate it, I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. I know loads of people suffer from lack of body confidence, but I feel like I'm the only one.
Ever since my first boyfriend said I 'wasn't that fat' and 'it doesnt matter that I have big hips' when I was 16 I've just become gradually more and more obsessed.
I spend ages trying to find clothes which suit my figure, and have ended up crying feeling useless and fat in shop changing rooms multiple times. Everytime I look in the god damn mirror or just catch my reflection somewhere... I just feel sick. I don't see myself as I actually am, if I look at pictures/videos of me I don't think that is what I look like, its scary.
I'm on a constant mission to lose weight, just to be that bit smaller, that bit closer to being skinny. I envy every other girl who is thinner than me. I have an obsession with counting calories, I'm not allowed to go over 500 kcal a day, and if I do I purge. When I exercise I run until I feel dizzy and my vision goes black. I know its disgusting and its so terrible for my health, I need at least 1200kcal a day blahblah. But I can't stop.
It's like there is this voice in the back of my mind telling me I'm fat, I'm disgusting, I need to lose weight, I need to be thinner.
I think I just need to know if anyone else has ever felt like this? I feel so disconnected from the world, even my boyfriend. Being like this isn't allowing me to live my life to the full. And I feel so f**king pathetic.
Body Issues Watch
- Thread Starter
- 09-12-2010 19:04
- 09-12-2010 20:33
I can relate to a fair bit of what you have said. I developed a hate of my body a couple of years ago and although I was a healthy weight (BMI 19), I decided to lose weight, and - like you - began restricting and counting calories etc. This greatly effected my life, and I have since been diagnosed with anorexia.
It could be that you are in the early stages of an eating disorder too - either you are seeing yourself as fat, but you're really underweight, or it may be that you are a healthy weight...either way it seems to me that you are displaying many symptoms of an eating disorder.
I'd really urge you to see a doctor or seek help of some sort. I understand that you might think they'd just get you to eat more and therefore not help your feeling fat, but TRUST ME - it is more than likely that you have a perfectly good figure (in regards to not fitting clothes in the shops, it is probable that you may fit one size in one shop, and need a different size in another - shops often have very weird sizing, and fashion is often made so it'll only really look good on some people - and by this I don't mean 'thin people') - a therapist will help you to get rid of the voice telling you that you are fat. You'll eventually come to see that you are not fat after all - it is simply your mind that has altered your perception.
I know this might be hard to believe, and I'd place a high bet on you reading this and thinking 'yeah right, but I am actually fat' - but I promise you, you are not!! There are people out there to help those of us with feelings such as those you've described, and you really do not deserve to feel the way you do. So please, please, please, go and see you doctor - you will thank yourself in the long run.
Take care, and please don't hesitate to message me on here if you want to chat or anything - I'm happy to do all I can to help (from experience, I've found online support so helpful).
- 09-12-2010 20:55
I feel Exactly the same as you, right now. I wish I had come out of the other side and I could give you advice but I don't know what to do myself, other than lose weight lol x
- 11-12-2010 02:57
When I read your post, I genuinely thought it was me writing it. I'm the same height, and I have identical measurements (which is freaky).
This time last year, I was doing the same as you. I wouldn't eat more than 500 calories either, and would stay up all night exercising. I was diagnosed with bulimia a year ago this month, and got referred to a psychologist. It's been great speaking to someone about it, and working out why I feel so badly about myself, I'd highly recommend giving it a go
Losing weight never seemed to solve the problem of feeling fat for me, the more I lost, the fatter I felt - it messes with your head. You can identify that it's a problem right now, but in the future, you might not see it that way; so now is a good time to ask someone for help Write it down and give it to a doctor, or a teacher if that's easier than telling them
Hope you're ok
- 11-12-2010 03:44
wow...this thread just highlights how loads of females have low self-esteem...