Open Relationships...

2

I'm thinking of suggesting this idea to my boyfriend of two years. Basically, I cheated on him last night and it's has made me realise that perhaps I don't want to be in a long-term relationship while at university. This is a complicated situation (emotionally, for me, anyway - see links below if you're interested!!) as he is undoubtedly the person closest to me and I’m now feeling pretty terrible. We have talked about it before, and I remember him being rather vague but saying that he would agree to it if I wanted it. Has anyone ever been involved in an open relationship? If so, how did it go and do you have any advice?

EDIT: Can I just say also that I am against cheating, and at one point in our relationship I was completely devoted to him - however, after he insisted that we should take a break when I got to uni because he was "fed up" of me, I kind of detached myself from him, to stop myself getting hurt. In fact, I think he half broke my heart last year by telling me that, but now has completely confused the situation further by telling me recently that now he doesn't want to go on a break, and that he totally loves me. Now, though, I have come round to the whole trial separtion idea and prepared myself for it - but he doesn't want it! So maybe me cheating on him was my way of getting back at him for hurting me so much in the past, or maybe it I just needed to do something that would spur me on to solving our 'issues'... I don't know :confused:

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Reply 1

Icy Ghost

2

*reading threads*...

Reply 2

TKR

15

no no no and quadruple no

relationships need to be proper, or not really at all...

Reply 3

qwerty_st/n

11

i've only ever had one 'open' relationship that we both agreed on, suffice to say it didn't last. it was a good idea at the time, we both felt that we were too young to be tied down in a heavy relationship. but after a while, jealousy and insecurity started to creep in and then one of us would be like 'is suchabody better in bed than me?' and i know that i started to make comparisons between my bf and whoever else i'd slept with like who was better and stuff, and that made me paranoid cos i would always be wondering if he did the same, it was mental torture. and eventually i just realised that he didnt do it for me anymore we just ended up as f*ck buddies, i didnt love him and i doubt he still loved me, i noticed that more after i'd left to go to uni so we put a stop to it

but then we probably wouldnt have lasted anyway. even after all that i still prefer the concept of an open relationship cos i dont like the constraints of a serious relationship, so i'd only end up cheating anyway. which probably makes me sound like a right scrubber :redface:

Reply 4

Segat1

16

Ok babe
havng looked at your threads, my advice to you two is to break up for a period of tme so you can experiment, explore that side of you. If you still want to be together, then get back together.

It would be terrible if your boyf said yes to open relationship if he didn't mean it. I am sure he would not be too thrilled about the fact that you want to have sex with other people. And you have already done this .... IMO when people cheat they are unhappy with thier current set up. You can't hurt him tho.

that said, sometimes open relationships work. it involves a lot of trust tho.

Good luck babe.

Reply 5

ciara

13

I think people generally want open relationships so they can keep their emotional dependence on one person but not have to worry about proper commitment. I think that's why i thought I wanted one at the start of uni - we were moving to be hours apart and I thought freshers week would be hard. Now I'm back in a committed relationship, cos I realised despite finding other people attractive I had no desire to kiss them or anything..I loved my boyfriend too much. If you are finding you do have a desire to kiss them etc then I think you need a break. I suppose open relationships might work sometimes but they generally just cause confusion and can be quite unfair on one person.

Cxx

Reply 6

*starry_eyed_*

14

to me I'd hate to be in an open relationship, I have to know where I stand

Reply 7

willey

4

ok if im being honest i think you should have told your boyfriend your feelings before you cheated on him! its just wrong! especially as u have been together for 2 years!

disagree with open relationships, im either 100% into the relationship or not at all!

do you love your boyfriend btw?

Reply 8

mynameis

thats an easy way out ..

cheat first and rather than appologising, insist on an open relationship.

Reply 9

Endymion

9

Personally, it would break my heart to know my partner was cheating on me; I couldn't cope with 'sharing' something I loved. However, now you've done it, you must tell your bf and ask what he wants to do. If he can deal with it, then fine, but you must ask.

Reply 10

xXMessedUpXx

15

I think it'd be better to split up if you feel that way. I've always thought that if you're with someone..you're with that person and that person only. Somehow it seems wrong...

Reply 11

hugatree

11

ciara

I realised despite finding other people attractive I had no desire to kiss them or anything..I loved my boyfriend too much. If you are finding you do have a desire to kiss them etc then I think you need a break. I suppose open relationships might work sometimes but they generally just cause confusion and can be quite unfair on one person.

I agree on this bit. :smile:

My bf and I have been together for over a year and have recently decided to have an open relationship instead 'cos it's long distance (and I'm talking different countries here).
I don't have feelings for anyone else, no desire to kiss anyone. I nearly had sex with a friend of mine but I'm glad it didn't happen 'cos I just didn't care enough.
It's true though; at 19, keeping up a long distance relationship is hard. More experience and affection (even if just for comfort) are necessary for most people. Just be aware of the possible consequences - it may not always work out anymore with your partner.

SophistiCat I'd suggest it to your boyfriend. Don't be afraid of his reaction; he'll hear you out if he loves you enough and/or agrees with you. :smile:

Reply 12

Endymion

9

hugatree

I agree on this bit. :smile:

My bf and I have been together for over a year and have recently decided to have an open relationship instead 'cos it's long distance (and I'm talking different countries here).
I don't have feelings for anyone else, no desire to kiss anyone. I nearly had sex with a friend of mine but I'm glad it didn't happen 'cos I just didn't care enough.
It's true though; at 19, keeping up a long distance relationship is hard. More experience and affection (even if just for comfort) are necessary for most people. Just be aware of the possible consequences - it may not always work out anymore with your partner.

SophistiCat I'd suggest it to your boyfriend. Don't be afraid of his reaction; he'll hear you out if he loves you enough and/or agrees with you. :smile:

Just realised I feel quite strongly about this topic.

How can you love someone if you want to have sex with someone else? Surely monogamy is part of love? If you aren’t faithful to your partner then how can you command any respect for them?

If you agree to an ‘open relationship’ then it just destroys the relationship element for me. You’re just a person who enjoys sex and intends to fulfil your desires with different people. Don’t get me wrong I’m not criticising this way of life, but I find it a bit hypocritical to say you love someone, but then intend to sleep with another person.

/me prepares to take a barrage of abuse.

Reply 13

asgardrune

1

SophistiCat

I cheated on him last night and it's has made me realise that perhaps I don't want to be in a long-term relationship while at university.

if you have cheated on him your not even worth having a relationship :eek:

so tell him, brake up, and stay single

(yep...cheating makes me throw up :eek:

)

Reply 14

marcusfox

16

SophistiCat

I'm thinking of suggesting this idea to my boyfriend of two years. Basically, I cheated on him last night and it's has made me realise that perhaps I don't want to be in a long-term relationship while at university. This is a complicated situation (emotionally, for me, anyway - see links below if you're interested!!) as he is undoubtedly the person closest to me and I’m now feeling rather odd, but not quite as guilty/regretful as I probably should. We have talked about it before, and I remember him being rather vague but saying that he would agree to it if I wanted it. Has anyone ever been involved in an open relationship? If so, how did it go and do you have any advice?

In my opinion, people who cheat on their partners without having the decency to dump them first are morally bankrupt scum. I don't know the history, but I'm sure if he's a decent person (and he seems so by not being happy about it but letting you have the choice if you want it because he loves you), he'll have had plenty of opportunities to cheat on you if he wanted to in those two years too but hasn't, because it's not what decent people do. Basically all people want in an open relationship is all the friendship and companionship they had when they were boyfriend/girlfriend, plus the opportunity to go out and sleep with whoever they like.

If you were any sort of decent person, you'd tell him that you don't love him anymore and he's free to find someone else. Otherwise, why are you messing him around like this?

Marcus

Reply 15

Atomic Dave

8

xXMessedUpXx

I think it'd be better to split up if you feel that way. I've always thought that if you're with someone..you're with that person and that person only. Somehow it seems wrong...

Ditto.

Reply 16

marcusfox

16

I'm going to keep my opinions on cheating to myself this time. You wouldn't like them anyway.

Marcus

Reply 17

hugatree

11

Endymion

Just realised I feel quite strongly about this topic.

How can you love someone if you want to have sex with someone else? Surely monogamy is part of love? If you aren’t faithful to your partner then how can you command any respect for them?

If you agree to an ‘open relationship’ then it just destroys the relationship element for me. You’re just a person who enjoys sex and intends to fulfil your desires with different people. Don’t get me wrong I’m not criticising this way of life, but I find it a bit hypocritical to say you love someone, but then intend to sleep with another person.

/me prepares to take a barrage of abuse.

You don't know us or what it's like what we have. :smile:

And tbh I'd rather not be in one anyway.
Oh. And I do NOT WANT to have sex with someone else. Just thought I'd clear that up. It's a comfort thing, for lack of physical affection.
I respect your views on this but don't judge what you don't know. :smile:

--------------

marcusfox

I'm going to keep my opinions on cheating to myself this time. You wouldn't like them anyway.

Marcus

You're right, you'd just get ned repped for telling people what you think. Some people are not mature enough for a discussion. :rolleyes:

Reply 18

hugatree

11

I know exactly what you mean. :smile:

Thing is though, when you really love eachother, you can't just break up. But it's also hard to keep up what you had if you hardly ever see eachother.

So the open relationship would be that it's okay to see other people, and get back to being 'exclusive' when there is more time for eachother. That is, if you haven't fallen in love with someone else, or out of love with the previous partner.

It is, however, very hard to commit yourself to anyone else if you're really in love with someone already - you keep thinking about the other one (and therefore it might be easier to not fall in love with a new person). So yes, for people that get jealous easily, it's not a good option.
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I like you. :smile:

Completely agree.

Reply 19

Endymion

9

Didn't say that at all; I've had sex with people I don't love, but then again I wasn't saying "I love someone else" at the same time. I was merely pointing out that by having 'a comfort thing' or casual sex, as I like to call it, it's very disrespectful (and weird?) if you also profess you're in love with your partner.

But of course, I respect everyone's opinions. Just trying to get my 'love & casual sex' viewpoint (how they don't mix etc.) viewpoint across. :smile:

(edited 5 years ago)

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