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The Chair. Short story by me Watch

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    This is a short story I've finally got round to finishing and slapping onto my CW blg to get lost in the internet.

    Let me know what you think etc


    Clicky, yeah?
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    Gross.
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    (Original post by Wilzyy)
    Gross.
    Thank you. Just the response I wanted
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    The narrator is a mermaid? Now that is kinky

    Once I’d finished having my fin with the...
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    (Original post by Joinedup)
    The narrator is a mermaid? Now that is kinky
    Damn, you beat me to it.

    In terms of the story, I suppose it does what it says on the tin. There are shades of of a 'Sin City' kind of noire, but not enough. Instead, it is a childish 'Darren Shan'-esque horror. If you were to implement another level to the overall story rather than keeping it so superficial, and use more vivid imagery (I'm thinking Angela Carter here), then it could have been quite something. As it is, it's a short story equivalent of 'Hostel'. And simple gore with nothing else supporting it does not work in novels as it does in films, I'm afraid.
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    There's a market for that sort of thing - top shelf paperbacks in motorway service stations for some reason... I reckon HGV drivers are into it.
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    you got sum scurry thoughts
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    If there was a plot, I couldn't find it.
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    (Original post by Sir_Vile_Minds)
    Thank you. Just the response I wanted
    Lol. I love those gory murder books though tbh.
    The more sadistic the better
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    Not well written, not a good plot and childish grammar. Wouldn't do badly for an 'early teen' style horror book, however.
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    Oh right the constructive criticism is you've been too descriptive of the who does what to whoms and not enough on what the protagonist is getting out of it - which would make it more engaging.

    also there's bits that just don't seem to make sense... dirty cloth with clean tools carefully laid out on it... then dirty gloves... then having to go off and find something obvious when clearly a lot of meticulous planning has already gone in, if you needed the protagonist out of the room at that point it could just to have been to smoke a fag and perhaps illuminate us a bit with an internal monologue while leaving the guy to stew.o

    really it's not twisted enough - ever seen a film called peeping tom? good twist in that but I can't say any more cos I don't know how to do spoilers.
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    To reply to the mentionings here:

    You're all so horrible! I write this story and all you do is attack me. This forum is so self-centred and elitist. I was just releasing my mind and you call me names. Waaaaaah!!

    Moving onto a serious, non-TSRer message.

    Plot - As with most short stories of this tiny length, there wasn't one.

    Writing - Bit meh really, I didn't consider using it for anything special.

    As I was scribbling it down I noticed a lot of repetitiveness which I actually expected people to point out =/

    What will I do with it next? Let it get lost in the interwebz and lay unread on my harddrive.
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    (Original post by Joinedup)
    Oh right the constructive criticism is you've been too descriptive of the who does what to whoms and not enough on what the protagonist is getting out of it - which would make it more engaging.

    also there's bits that just don't seem to make sense... dirty cloth with clean tools carefully laid out on it... then dirty gloves... then having to go off and find something obvious when clearly a lot of meticulous planning has already gone in, if you needed the protagonist out of the room at that point it could just to have been to smoke a fag and perhaps illuminate us a bit with an internal monologue while leaving the guy to stew.o

    really it's not twisted enough - ever seen a film called peeping tom? good twist in that but I can't say any more cos I don't know how to do spoilers.
    [ spoiler ] Quote [ / spoiler ]

    I've heard of the film in the past but not taken notice of it.

    I'll take in everything that people have said and also get my nose into some books again.

    Ta.
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    I couldn't read the whole thing - story is not really the type of thing I'm interested in - but just some comments on the writing itself. Repetititivity (the appropriateness of some typos) isn't what killed it, really. It's bursting with clichés - I'd need a magnifying glass to find something truly original - but that's not entirely it either. You tend to string together clauses unnecessarily with commas, and the writing is a little awkward. Like 'Disorientated he tried to move' at the beginning of a sentence - typical for somebody who wants to change the sentence pattern/order around a little bit, but it just comes off feeling odd.

    I mean it's a surprisingly good start, in a sense, most writing done by anybody under 25 is terrible. But your word choice - which is good - is getting in the way of your prose. Detail in writing should always be founded on synecdoche: you give fragments of the truth and leave the reader to fill in the rest. Don't go so heavy on the adverbs.

    As for clichés, well, that's your choice. I would avoid anything that is remotely like anything that has been done before, if you see what I mean. And be careful what you reveal about yourself. A liking for/arousal from torture? Really?
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    Not bad, but sound a little bit like a cross between Dexter and something gay.
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    (Original post by a daedalus)
    I couldn't read the whole thing - story is not really the type of thing I'm interested in - but just some comments on the writing itself. Repetititivity (the appropriateness of some typos) isn't what killed it, really. It's bursting with clichés - I'd need a magnifying glass to find something truly original - but that's not entirely it either. You tend to string together clauses unnecessarily with commas, and the writing is a little awkward. Like 'Disorientated he tried to move' at the beginning of a sentence - typical for somebody who wants to change the sentence pattern/order around a little bit, but it just comes off feeling odd.

    I mean it's a surprisingly good start, in a sense, most writing done by anybody under 25 is terrible. But your word choice - which is good - is getting in the way of your prose. Detail in writing should always be founded on synecdoche: you give fragments of the truth and leave the reader to fill in the rest. Don't go so heavy on the adverbs.

    As for clichés, well, that's your choice. I would avoid anything that is remotely like anything that has been done before, if you see what I mean. And be careful what you reveal about yourself. A liking for/arousal from torture? Really?
    Your points are definitely true, as are the other members' points. However, I personally wouldn't take extreme pleasure in torturing someone. I like reading fictional crap about it but that's it.

    On that note..... Be careful when in East London/Beckton... it's snowing :p:
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    Read it twice before I got that you were a woman!

    I'm sorry, but I don't rate the story that much. The willy-waving over the "DSLR" is very TSR. Towards the middle the victim actually seemed to be in control, like when you meekly put down one torture instrument because he asked you to. Subtler torture like you seem to have done has to be combined with extreme sadism and explanations of why your torturer enjoys it more, otherwise it seems more lame than it might in reality be.

    You have to really get the enjoyment of the torturer across and savour every bit of pain in emotive language.
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    mmmmmmmmm... not great... plus you can't spell "fun"
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    (Original post by bobbycrisp)
    mmmmmmmmm... not great... plus you can't spell "fun"
    I did try and re-read each paragraph. Clearly mussid out the smalled typo. As people said though, it sounds like the protagonist is a mermaid.

    Please note: I did see the typos in this message but choose note to edit :dontknow:
 
 
 
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