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Really need some advice, feel awful. :( Watch

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    I expect this will be quite a long story.

    Just over 3 years ago (August 2007), I met my first boyfriend (person A), and we became very close and fell in love very quickly, and we got together September that year. We developed a very strong bond of trust, and he was someone I could always rely upon, and likewise with him, plus we have a lot of things in common, so we always had things to talk about. We became best friends, and he literally felt like my ‘other half’. He’s someone I call whenever I have anything on my mind, just to let him know my thoughts on something, or what I’ve been up to. We were long distant from the start, but since I started Uni (a year after we got together), we saw each other pretty often – at the weekends, and some holidays.

    In the last year of our relationship, we’ve had a few problems, relationship wise. I’d get a bit annoyed about some of the domestic things – him being a bit lazy, us not doing much during the day so we’d get irritable with each other, etc. It’s almost like we became the same person, with very similar mindsets. Eventually I just didn’t feel sexually attracted to him (though that could be to do with the fact sex was hurting me for a while, so I never wanted it). I began to feel curious for other guys. In June this year, we suggested going in an open relationship, to see how we felt with other people. I saw some guy for three weeks, but he wasn’t right for me.

    Then I met someone in July (person B), and I really really liked him, and person A and I agreed that if he liked me back, I’d want to start a relationship with person B, essentially breaking person A and I up. Person B and I have been going out since then, and it’s been going really well. But person A and I remained best friends – there was never any malice or reason to dislike each other, especially since we get along so well, so we stayed very close. In October, he told me he still loved me, and wanted me back, but because I wanted to see where person B and will I go, he took it really badly and stopped talking to me for a month. During that month I felt terrible, really lost and down, like half a person. Person B was really supportive, but scared I’d break up with him. Then person A said he was okay being my friend again, so I was really happy about that. Things were really good for a while – we were close again, and person B and I were getting closer too. But I went to visit person A for a few days this week, during which he said he still loved me, and thinks I am the perfect girl for him. He realises the mistakes we made, and wants to work hard to make things work. I felt awful, told him I couldn’t just break up with person B, especially since things ‘feel’ like a relationship with person B, rather than a strong friendship.

    I feel terrible with myself now, knowing that person A is miserable and heart-broken. I really care for him very much, and for him not to be in my life would hurt a lot. It still sometimes feels like he is my ‘other half’, and without him in my life I’d feel lost and heartbroken. With person B, I love him romantically, but we’re not as close as person A and I are (yet). It feels as though it’s my responsibility that my ex is heart-broken, because we shared so much and are so close. He says things like, “I’d be happy letting you go with [person B] if I knew he was better for you, but I know I am. I know your heart, what you want in life, we both want the same things, we’re both best friends and get along so well”. It really kills me when he says things like this, because I’m really terrified of losing him, like I did a month ago. But at the same time, even though person B and I aren’t as close (it’s been 5 months after all), he’s a very supportive person, we get along really well, and I definitely ‘feel’ the chemistry with him. When person A asked why I’m with person B, I replied, “Because he’s different, but it feels great and I want to see where it’s going”. I can’t give person B 100%, because of person A, and I don’t know whether it’s just the excitement that’s keeping me with person B (though I definitely feel like I’d miss him a lot, when I think about losing him, and before person A told me he loved me this week, I'd been feeling very loving and happy with person B), or if person A and I can re-build what we had into a romantic relationship, since he’s definitely an amazing person.

    Any advice would be helpful, I just don’t know what to do.
    • #1
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    You can't have a pity relationship, or one without chemistry with person A. It seems likely (to me) that a future relationship with him would fail again. Maybe he only wants you now because he didn't find a "person B" of his own. It isn't fair to keep him so close or expect him to be your friend. You need to let him go his own way. Perhaps you can be friends again one day if you are both in happy relationships, but not if one is yearning after the other.

    I think it might be better for you to spend time alone without person B in the picture either, but I doubt you would want to go along with that somehow . Just be prepared for things to fail if you are only with him because it makes an exciting change. By "be prepared" I mean you must decide 100% to not go crawling back to A as your second best option/ for comfort if things with B fail. It isn't fair to treat A that way. You have to leave him alone y'hear?

    I have some experience of having mistreated a guy in a similar way and it is something I really regret and feel guilty about. Pity relationships are cruel you must avoid them.
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    okay so im not sure how much help this is gonna be but it sounds to me as if you met your soul mate in person a just it was too early. as if hes the person your meant to end up with but after you've experienced the whole dating thing.
    Personally i think its not nice to do what your doing to person A (not that im judging or anything - your situations horrible and people get hurt) as he obviously has strong feelings for you. But you have to do the right thing - either leave person B to choose person A or cut person A out entierly and let him move on with his life.

    Good luck - hope things sort themselves out xx
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    (Original post by Person_123)
    I expect this will be quite a long story.

    Just over 3 years ago (August 2007), I met my first boyfriend (person A), and we became very close and fell in love very quickly, and we got together September that year. We developed a very strong bond of trust, and he was someone I could always rely upon, and likewise with him, plus we have a lot of things in common, so we always had things to talk about. We became best friends, and he literally felt like my ‘other half’. He’s someone I call whenever I have anything on my mind, just to let him know my thoughts on something, or what I’ve been up to. We were long distant from the start, but since I started Uni (a year after we got together), we saw each other pretty often – at the weekends, and some holidays.

    In the last year of our relationship, we’ve had a few problems, relationship wise. I’d get a bit annoyed about some of the domestic things – him being a bit lazy, us not doing much during the day so we’d get irritable with each other, etc. It’s almost like we became the same person, with very similar mindsets. Eventually I just didn’t feel sexually attracted to him (though that could be to do with the fact sex was hurting me for a while, so I never wanted it). I began to feel curious for other guys. In June this year, we suggested going in an open relationship, to see how we felt with other people. I saw some guy for three weeks, but he wasn’t right for me.

    Then I met someone in July (person B), and I really really liked him, and person A and I agreed that if he liked me back, I’d want to start a relationship with person B, essentially breaking person A and I up. Person B and I have been going out since then, and it’s been going really well. But person A and I remained best friends – there was never any malice or reason to dislike each other, especially since we get along so well, so we stayed very close. In October, he told me he still loved me, and wanted me back, but because I wanted to see where person B and will I go, he took it really badly and stopped talking to me for a month. During that month I felt terrible, really lost and down, like half a person. Person B was really supportive, but scared I’d break up with him. Then person A said he was okay being my friend again, so I was really happy about that. Things were really good for a while – we were close again, and person B and I were getting closer too. But I went to visit person A for a few days this week, during which he said he still loved me, and thinks I am the perfect girl for him. He realises the mistakes we made, and wants to work hard to make things work. I felt awful, told him I couldn’t just break up with person B, especially since things ‘feel’ like a relationship with person B, rather than a strong friendship.

    I feel terrible with myself now, knowing that person A is miserable and heart-broken. I really care for him very much, and for him not to be in my life would hurt a lot. It still sometimes feels like he is my ‘other half’, and without him in my life I’d feel lost and heartbroken. With person B, I love him romantically, but we’re not as close as person A and I are (yet). It feels as though it’s my responsibility that my ex is heart-broken, because we shared so much and are so close. He says things like, “I’d be happy letting you go with [person B] if I knew he was better for you, but I know I am. I know your heart, what you want in life, we both want the same things, we’re both best friends and get along so well”. It really kills me when he says things like this, because I’m really terrified of losing him, like I did a month ago. But at the same time, even though person B and I aren’t as close (it’s been 5 months after all), he’s a very supportive person, we get along really well, and I definitely ‘feel’ the chemistry with him. When person A asked why I’m with person B, I replied, “Because he’s different, but it feels great and I want to see where it’s going”. I can’t give person B 100%, because of person A, and I don’t know whether it’s just the excitement that’s keeping me with person B (though I definitely feel like I’d miss him a lot, when I think about losing him, and before person A told me he loved me this week, I'd been feeling very loving and happy with person B), or if person A and I can re-build what we had into a romantic relationship, since he’s definitely an amazing person.

    Any advice would be helpful, I just don’t know what to do.
    could you summarise please?
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    You messed up the moment you decided to begin an open relationship with someone that you care about.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Just be prepared for things to fail if you are only with him because it makes an exciting change.
    To be honest, it's not about the exciting change. Person B is actually a really lovely person, and we've really been trying to make something of our relationship. It's just person A who is making it difficult, seeing as I care about his feelings so much.

    I just don't want to lose the closeness person A and I built up over the years. I recently (today) spoke to person B, who isn't happy with the situation at all. He thinks person A is being disrespectful, and wants me to stay away from seeing him in person, for a while at least.

    I tried to speak to person A, telling him how person B feels, but he got angry and said he wanted to stop talking to me for a while. Which is understandable. I don't want him to be in the picture just because he -is- the safe option, I want us to be close friends. At the moment, our friendship is in limbo; one of us yearns for the other, it's not an even friendship.

    Thanks for the advice.
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    You need to choose , you can't have them both, or you will lose them both.
 
 
 
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