Not sure if this is really the right place to post this, and it is trivial compared to some of the other issues posted on here, but I'd like a second opinion.
Last year, I'm in my third year of uni and have lived with the same people since year 1 (well almost). This year, there are just four of us -two friends and one of the friend's girlfriend. She also lived with us last year and I thought we'd got on really well.
Things started to go wrong over the summer. Our tenancy finished on 30th June and the new one started 1st July at a new house (we were dropping from 7 to 4 people: 1 going to France, 1 moving back home and 1 moving in with people from her course). I couldn't be there on the day of the move out because I was on a Vacation Placement with a law firm (i'm doing a law degree and had got a summer vac scheme placement). I therefore moved my stuff out the weekend before and had agreed that they'd collect the keys for the new house on the 1st and we'd meet up at 6pm and exchange.
I got out of work and got a text from the GF basically saying "we're going home now". I ended up getting my key the following weekend. No biggie -although I thought it was strange that there was no info as to why the plan had changed. I also got a text from one of the ppl I live with saying that I had been put in the ground floor bedroom. Again, fair enough, although I'm not sure if they tossed a coin or just shotgunned the rooms.
I then got a text from her asking me why I hadn't brought my TV back -I always left my TV in the lounge so everyone could watch it. I texted back that I had it at home, but would bring it back when I moved in -I just got a one word answer from the GF: "fine". So I took the bait and asked what the problem was -she said that she thought I was selfish and was always trying to 'score points;. This came out of the blue for me, she added at the end "by the way, we're buying our own food this year." (We'd all eaten together the year before) -again no discussion or anything like that.
To cut the story short, we made up and agreed to have a fresh start.
However, this term, I've noticed that there is an atmosphere. I can't quite explain it -we still talk, but everyone seems kind of guarded and there are long silent pauses. Not friendly pauses, but kind of tense pauses. I've also noticed that none of my other housemates will ever stay in the room alone with me, if that makes sense. I've only realised in the past 6 weeks or so, but if I'm in the lounge watching TV for instance, or if somebody is out and there's just another person and me in, they'll just go to their room. Yet, I've come back a few times now when there have been two people sitting in the lounge. I may be paranoid, but I've walked in and conversations have stopped instantly when I have arrived.
I've tried to make an effort by suggesting we do things -I suggested we get a pizza one night -nobody even texted me back. Another time, I suggested we go to the pub -again, no reply. Another time, we'd agreed to go to the pub at a certain time. I got a text saying that one of the housemates couldn't do that time, so we were going at a different time, even though they knew I was at work at that time so wouldn't be able to go. The reply was "we're still going. May b another time".
The other day, I saw a Facebook message on my friend's laptop when he went upstairs to the bathroom -his laptop was in the living room, and he'd left the message open when he went to the bathroom -apparently, one of the people we used to live with is coming back from Germany where she's spending a year abroad and they're all meeting up on Monday and going out. Despite the fact everyone telling me they're going home on Fri or Sat. The thing that puzzled me was that in the message, I saw my name from this person who is living abroad -she said basically that she hopes they can fix it so I'm not there. I didn't see what the reply was, but I couldn't believe that nobody told me! I've kept quiet.
The context to this is that the GF and this person living in Germany didn't get on last year, but they've made up and now seem to be really close. I've noticed that since we've stopped eating together, the GF spends all her time with her BF (i.e. one of my friends). It's totally different from last year -last year, he might go to bed and she might stay up and watch something or whatever (or vice versa), now if she or he goes to bed, the other one follows straight away. Then because there's just the two of us left (me and the other housemate), he then always says "i should go to bed"......again, this sounds trivial, but you have to put it in the context of what happened last year which was totally different. It's actually like living with different people!
The latest situation is the GF text me tonight saying, and I quote, "well dun u left ur light on again". She'd been at work all day and I left about lunchtime. I left a Christmas card and a few cookies. What do I get? That text. I have no idea where "again" comes from -it could just be the fact that last year I had a lamp that was touch sensitive -basically it was over sensitive and so came on when I was away. But I don't think so, if you read "well done" and "again", and the lack of an "x" on the text, it suggests that this is something that's been bugging her. My reply was that I was really sorry, I didn't do it on purpose and that she could go in and turn it off (they have a key because the fuse box is in my room and obviously if I'm not there and the power goes off, there's a big problem,) or I'd get the train back down on Monday to turn it off myself if she preferred. (I go to uni in Reading and live in Cardiff). I also asked if I'd done something to annoy her. The reply was "For God's sake, how do you turn "you left the light on' into me having a problem?" I replied that I was sorry, I thought maybe I'd done something, and I would try to be more careful. I even thanked her for telling me so that I would remember in future! Did I get a reply? No.
Reading this mammoth post back, it looks like it's hell. It really isn't. We have had a laugh at times -but I feel somehow distant and unable to relate to them any more. They all get on really well and clearly there are issues. But nobody will tell me what they are. There's this situation on Monday -again, nobody has told me about it. It feels kind of "them and me" -like an irritant. These are people I care about and don't want to just let 3 years go down the pan. But I'm really at the end of my tether and just want to know what it is I've done. Maybe I'm reading way too much into it. I've been working pretty hard -especially at the start of term, I had a lot of deadlines very early on, and maybe they took that as a sign that I wasn't interested/being friendly.
Don't get me wrong -we talk and everyone seems normal when others are around -we have been out, but it's been at other people's suggestion, never mine -as I say, every time I suggest something, it's mainly the GF that vetoes it. For instance, I suggested we do a secret santa -one of the guys did a tentative yes -she said "I've got loads of shopping to do already and [her BF] has loads of work to do so don't ask him." Loads of work entailed going with her Christmas shopping on Sunday, to incorporate lunch. Maybe it's money worries -i.e. the light (cost of electricity) and cost of a £5 Crimbo present? I administer the bills and seem to have only really been asking for money when I speak to her.
Further example -whenever I go down the road to the shop, I ask the others if they want anything. Sometimes people reciprocate, but not always. Last year, we'd quite often pop down the road together to get some milk or take the recycling etc -not this year.
How do I go about working out what the problem is if nobody will tell me?! How would you handle this situation?
Right. Got it off my chest now -feel better already! I wanted to write all this down because it's been going round and round in my head for half of the term, and I am just starting to feel like every day is a chore. You wake up full of dread wondering how you're going to get through the day.
Maybe this is the problem? Maybe I've been looking miserable this term (I don't think I have, but reading this back, it would suggest otherwise.)
One other thing is that I'm gay. They don't know (in that I've never told them) but I just have an inkling they may know anyway. It's never come up in conversation to be honest -the assumption is always made that I'm straight. I don't know if that's even relevant, but for all I know, it could be because I don't know what else it could be.
There are just so many possible explanations for such intangible changes in behaviour from everyone -could it be that I'm the one whose changed and not them? I just don't know. I know nobody can solve this on here, but any advice or experiences would be appreciated. There are two sides to every story, and I've obviously done something to upset somebody and I suspect it has just snowballed into a big problem which they think I must be aware of -which I'm not. Maybe they just don't like me any more. But then why pretend? Maybe I'm being oversensitive which is supported by the exasperated/pissed off reply she sent to me.
I also know this is a long post. Sorry.
hmm. Tricky situation? Watch
- Thread Starter
- 19-12-2010 04:05
- 19-12-2010 04:14
Maybe you're just a nob?
No, seriously though you should get them all together and ask them if they've got a problem to admit it and not be little *****es about it.
- 19-12-2010 04:29
Girl sounds like a real ***** :/
It would make sense if you've only just moved in with them and didnt know them, but for the 3rd year, I dont get it, just gonna have to ask them
- 19-12-2010 04:41
I'd say ask them, just try to bring it out in the open.
I wouldn't mention the meet up with the girl coming back from Germany because you just look like you've been reading his facebook behind his back if you do that. Although, maybe you could phone/ text/ message her and ask her when/ if she's back for christmas, and if she'd like to go for a drink. That might encourage her to reveal what the problem is ...
- 19-12-2010 04:44
The context to this is that the GF and this person living in Germany didn't get on last year, but they've made up and now seem to be really close.
When women who once hated each other make up, sparks fly.
- 19-12-2010 04:48
wtf :/ they are acting so cold towards you..and you dont do the things they have been doing - without reason!
so heres what u do
1. turn up at the thing organisd by that girl hu went abroad and be lik to the others thanks for telling me u b*tches. smile then walk away and chat to the othrs
2. just next time you are all together just ask wtf there problem is
3. stop being so nice!! your letting them get away with treating you like rubbish! next time that b*tch gf gets mouthy, give ger mouth bk! and no, not in a nice sexual way.
4. be a prick back..it will keep them on there feet..also like by going out wth other people, not respnding to texts, YOU leaving first...cos at this rate - looks like they are having fun watching you go through all of this
- 19-12-2010 05:08
Awwww *hugs* I am so sorry to hear theyre being cold towards you!
I never understand why people are so unfriendly towards others, it will continuously perplex me.
Basically, my advice would be to ignore it completely. Act like its not bothering you. If it was 1v1 then confrontation might be advantageous, but lets face it, its 3 of them (I may have read it wrong) giving you the cold shoulder, so even IF you confronted one/all it will not work to your advantage, but instead they will stick up for each other, and then gossip behind your back even more.
It could be that you have changed, maybe more work load made you seem disinterested in them? Maybe they think you just want to use them when it suits you? Personally though, it sounds like THEY have changed, and grown nastier.....maybe they found out you were gay and thought you were hiding it from them? I dont know.
My best advice would be to keep your head down, dont be too nice...youll just become a doormat. Instead, be pleasant, and, if theyre not interested thats their problem. If you act desperate to be their friend they will just continue behaving like this.
Good luck! Feel free to message me if your still worried.