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Stuck in a moment I can't get out of Watch

    • Thread Starter

    Hi everyone, i'm relatively new to TSR, so I hope you will give me some good advice on what i'm about to unfold to you all.

    I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 19 months now. We got along well at the start, and the sex was awesome, we'd speak practically every night on the phone, text each other all the time, etc etc: The 'honeymoon' period one could say.

    When we first started dating I said to her that I want to take this relationship one day at a time, as it is my first relationship, and the whole notion of "we'll see how it goes" was understood on both parties and we hit it off from there. She used to ring me at near enough every moment possible (on her break at work, texts before work while i was sleeping, after work, and last thing at night). This went on for a good 6 months, and eventually I got sick of the calls on her break so I told her that I didn't want her to ring me, which was fine. We just spoke at the other times.

    I slowly broke away from 'the other times' and a couple of months later we began to speak only at night, which suited me right down to the ground. Our sex life also took a little bit of a dive, from twice a week to barely twice a month.

    THEN it began. "I love you". The 3 deadly words. This was a problem to me. Why? I felt she was too far ahead of me in the (natural?) progression of a relationship. I was still at the start - I wanted and now still currently want a 'see how it goes' relationship. I have told her this, and i've told her that I thought she was WAY too far ahead for me, so she said to me that she 'wasn't in love with me as much as she thought'; I partly-believed this, but knew the underlying truth. She was ultimately telling me this because that's what I 'wanted' to hear.

    I went with it. But i began to neglect her. I wouldn't ring her when i said i would. Sometimes i'd ignore her phonecalls. It sounds really harsh, like i'm a bad person, but when you get 20+ missed calls on a night out from one person, you'll understand what I mean. Our phonecalls went from the initial 3 hours a night to barely 10 minutes every other night.

    Shortly after, I tried to do the right thing and end it. I really tried. I said that it wasn't going to work and that we wanted different things. She said "I love you" in the way which means "I LOVE YOU". I didn't know what to do. It was wrong of me to stick with her, but I did still want some sort of relationship.

    Eventually we sorted it out. I moved into a student house and had the time of my life. Temptation had never really been tested for me until freshers. I ended up having a one night stand. No part of me felt guilty for this at all. In fact, I felt as if I'd achieved something because I'd done it. But I didn't have the balls to tell my girlfriend. I couldn't. It would break her heart. She'd had it done to her before, and i've done it to her again. She doesn't deserve that. No-one does.

    Recently I tried to do the right thing and end the relationship for a second time. I said the same things, along with a few hurtful lines, such as "I don't want you any more". I want her to be happy. I know I make her happy. But I can't stick with her for the sake of it. The problem is that she's too unstable for me to see my future with her.

    Anyway, when I told her that I wanted to end it, she eventually agreed.

    Now here's the scary bit.

    She said to me that her life was over, that she had no reason to be alive, that she was basically going to kill herself. I was in so much shock. I felt as if i drove her to say such a thing. I could tell that she was being deadly serious. I really did not know what to do. She has said she tried it before, and I made her promise that after the initial incident, not to ever try it again. She sounded so serious on the phone.

    So I had to take her back. Lie. tell her that I do want her. Just so she wouldn't do it. Now I feel like her life depends on our relationship and I really don't know what to do. If i stick with her, its for the wrong reasons. But if i don't, she could end her own life. I really care about the girl. From the bottom of my heart, I do. I just don't know how to end the relationship.


    Don't say that later will be better...

    I think you need to be asking yourself some serious questions here.

    You've messed up and you know this. You've used her for sex and she's duly delivered this currency simply to keep you emotionally tied down to her. Everything was fine until she said 'I love you', that's where, quite frankly, you **** yourself. You wanted out but she could not and can't comprehend the world without you. Now do you really want to test her resolve in the suicide threat she made? When emotions run high people say stupid things but will she really carry out such a threat? These are the questions that only you can answer.

    I personally would suggest talking this out in person. You need to be strong, calm and collected. What's the worst that can happen? She knows that you don't want to be in this relationship and she's using emotional blackmail to keep you from leaving. She'll learn to move on, everyone does.
    • TSR Support Team

    Well I can understand not wanting to deal with 20 calls in one night that's far too much but it seems your lack of talking has not helped at all. I know it will hurt but you have to be honest and tell her, so you can let her go find someone else. It's highly unlikely she will kill herself because if she was gonna do it, then she would have told you, but please stop stringing the poor lass along, ditch her before you even think about sleeping around.
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Updated: December 21, 2010
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