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Anyone with experience in dating a single parent? Watch

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    Please share some tips. Those who came from a single parent background please contribute as well.

    -When in relationship with the parent, to what extent should the child be involved?
    -If there is an involvement, what type of role should one play?
    -How seriously should this role be taken?
    -What should absolutely be avoided?
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    Seeing as the majority of us are 18-21 I can't see all that many people having dated a single parent before...

    The role of the child is to be a child. Do not try to have sex with the child - this is usually a dealbreaker with said single parent.
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    (Original post by psychocustard)
    Seeing as the majority of us are 18-21 I can't see all that many people having dated a single parent before...

    The role of the child is to be a child. Do not try to have sex with the child - this is usually a dealbreaker with said single parent.
    You would be surprised how many 17-21 are already parents Am pretty sure these young parents wouldn't be off relationships

    Anyway I also looking at it in the perspective of those who may have had a stepfather/mother or grew up to experience relationships where their mom or dad started seeing someone new. Am sure they would have a better insight to this than the parent or the one dating the parent LOL.
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    (Original post by Iorek)
    You would be surprised how many 17-21 are already parents Am pretty sure these young parents wouldn't be off relationships

    Anyway I also looking at it in the perspective of those who may have had a stepfather/mother or grew up to experience relationships where their mom or dad started seeing someone new. Am sure they would have a better insight to this than the parent or the one dating the parent LOL.
    My step-mum was about 19 when she started seeing my dad and about 21 when she moved in with him- although technically I guess he wasn't a single parent cos I lived with my mum, it does happen to people that young.

    Having been in the position of having both my parents start relationships again when I was pretty young, I will do my best to give you some advice.
    First of all, for the love of god, take it slow. The kid will have had enough upheaval and doesn't need someone new suddenly around and all over their mum all the time. Make sure the kid gets to spend enough time with their parents, I used to love it when my step-mum went out for the evening so it would just be me and my Dad (actually, to be perfectly honest, despite the fact that I'm now 18 and they've been married for 10 years and have two kids together, I STILL want one-on-one time with my Dad xD)

    Anyways, my step-dad was always great, he didn't move in straight away (unlike step-mother) and he really made an effort to be nice to me. When they got engaged, I was the first person they told, and when they got married (I was six) it was just me and them on a beach in Australia which was lovely, and made me feel all important and included.

    That was a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps. I think dating a single parent is probably ridiculously hard and I think you should only do it if you're really serious about the other person.
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    I've got a few friends who have been in this situation. I agree with the previous post - take it slow. For starters I would treat the kid as you would any other friend's young child, and speak to them in that manner. Don't put any pressure on them to do things with you, or to like you (sounds obvious, but so many people make that mistake!) I'll write the rest from the perspective of you going out with the child's mother...

    I think the other thing to watch for when you're going down this route with someone in the age range that you mentioned, is to be aware of the child's father. If you're going to attempt going out with someone who's only recently (and by that I mean last 6 months) split from the child's father, then it may be more trouble than it's worth as the child's dad may be quite hostile to the idea of another man being around the kid. Think long and hard about whether it's the kind of situation you want to put yourself in. I'm not saying this will be the case with everyone single parent you come across...but it's definitely something I've known to happen.
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    just one thing to remember, you will never EVER come first, once you realise that just act normal and remember when you do go out, there's a little one back in the house
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    (Original post by riotgrrl)
    My step-mum was about 19 when she started seeing my dad and about 21 when she moved in with him- although technically I guess he wasn't a single parent cos I lived with my mum, it does happen to people that young.

    Having been in the position of having both my parents start relationships again when I was pretty young, I will do my best to give you some advice.
    First of all, for the love of god, take it slow. The kid will have had enough upheaval and doesn't need someone new suddenly around and all over their mum all the time. Make sure the kid gets to spend enough time with their parents, I used to love it when my step-mum went out for the evening so it would just be me and my Dad (actually, to be perfectly honest, despite the fact that I'm now 18 and they've been married for 10 years and have two kids together, I STILL want one-on-one time with my Dad xD)

    Anyways, my step-dad was always great, he didn't move in straight away (unlike step-mother) and he really made an effort to be nice to me. When they got engaged, I was the first person they told, and when they got married (I was six) it was just me and them on a beach in Australia which was lovely, and made me feel all important and included.

    That was a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps. I think dating a single parent is probably ridiculously hard and I think you should only do it if you're really serious about the other person.
    Thank you for sharing, now I have some better insights into this matter.

    But the situation is somewhat different, my gf has a child but does stays with my gf's mom (through a prior arrangement till she finishes uni) and we were both living in student residence at the time we met, she mentioned it once or twice, I never really asked beyond what she said. I never met the child till February and tbh I had forgotten she had one. The visits continued to happen on a weekly basis in which time I would either leave town or lock myself away on the pretext of doing essays.

    Anyway I did not foresee the relationship lasting beyond July, as I had planned to leave the UK the moment I received my scroll. But a job offer came along, decided to take it.

    July she moved in without her child because she wanted to find work. Tbh, I was expecting the relationship to crumble, but it got stronger and far more serious than before. Her child started to visit more than just once a week. Each time the child was around I either spent longer hours at work or found reasons to not come home.

    By late August she realized it was not a coincidence and started to put her foot down on me being away. But I still kept my distance. It worked because I found ways and means to stay away or do other things, so both mother and daughter can spend time together.

    Finally, yesterday my gf and her mom had a fallout and her mom said the agreement is over. Now the child must come live with us permanently.


    (Original post by xlouisedoll)
    I've got a few friends who have been in this situation. I agree with the previous post - take it slow. For starters I would treat the kid as you would any other friend's young child, and speak to them in that manner. Don't put any pressure on them to do things with you, or to like you (sounds obvious, but so many people make that mistake!) I'll write the rest from the perspective of you going out with the child's mother...

    I think the other thing to watch for when you're going down this route with someone in the age range that you mentioned, is to be aware of the child's father. If you're going to attempt going out with someone who's only recently (and by that I mean last 6 months) split from the child's father, then it may be more trouble than it's worth as the child's dad may be quite hostile to the idea of another man being around the kid. Think long and hard about whether it's the kind of situation you want to put yourself in. I'm not saying this will be the case with everyone single parent you come across...but it's definitely something I've known to happen.
    I been doing a hands-off, keep the distance and less is more approach when it comes to that child. But the child still likes being around me or doing stuff with me despite me taking every possible step to stay away. In regards to pressure, it is my gf who keeps pressuring me to take an interest in her child, she been doing that since May.

    As the pressure mounted, I told her I was not really good with children, but she stopped buying that excuse in early September.

    As for the child's biological father....... he hasn't seen the child before and has long since disappeared.

    (Original post by Cadarn)
    just one thing to remember, you will never EVER come first, once you realise that just act normal and remember when you do go out, there's a little one back in the house
    That I actually have no problems with, relationships never really come first in my life... work, hobbies and travels come ahead Therefore I cannot expect my gf to place me as number 1 either In any case I doubt she places her own child as number 1 either

    As for going out and little one back in the house..... that will be my gf's problem...... she can deal with it My problem is to get out of the house when I feel like it
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    Be prepared to hated by the baby daddy.
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    My ex was a single dad when I met him (and is again obviously). Definitely agree with taking it slow. I was very lucky in the fact that once his daughter got used to me being around she wanted me around all the time, liked being with me etc etc. I had no hostility except from the obvious kiddy refusals to do things. Take it slowly, let the child do the bonding with you, don't try and force it. Definitely DON'T act like you are nothing to do with them etc etc, you need to be involved with them as much as they are comfortable - let them take the lead. Be aware that if the child's other parent is around they will probably, though not always, be off with you. Although that may be more to do with my exes ex being a total nob tbh, I know other people with split families who get on great with each other. Also don't be afraid to tell them off if they're being naughty, somethign I really struggled with but as long as they are being naughty in a way that you know their parent would agree with you iyswim....don't have a go if they are doing something you don't like much but that they're parents find perfectly acceptable lol
    Other than that, just be yourself and let them be themselves and things just develop as they develop.
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    (Original post by Iorek)
    -What should absolutely be avoided?
    In my experience, you should avoid going out with single mothers full stop. Unless you're happy to play the father role to her kid(s), then don't go there.

    I've dated a few single mothers in the past and they generally fall into 2 categories:-

    1) Girls in their late teens/early 20s who had a kid young, like at 17 or something

    2) Women in the late 20s + who have kids

    Either way, I've found single mothers to be clingy as hell....they latch onto any guy who shows them any attention because often they have issues and low self-esteem/low-confidence due to the father buggering off and leaving them to bring up the kid(s) by themselves.

    As Tom Leykis would say....'No single mothers! I don't want to look into the eyes of your child and see the face of your ex boyfriend! I don't want to look into the eyes of your child and see the face of the man who had you when you were hotter younger and tighter than what you are now.'

    You might be lucky and find a decent single mother, and they can be very loyal. But be careful, they can be clingy as **** and want you to move in and being a father figure to their kids. Don't get involved with a single mother unless this is what you want. You don't want to be paying for someone else's mistakes, so be careful!!
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    (Original post by Iorek)
    Thank you for sharing, now I have some better insights into this matter.

    But the situation is somewhat different, my gf has a child but does stays with my gf's mom (through a prior arrangement till she finishes uni) and we were both living in student residence at the time we met, she mentioned it once or twice, I never really asked beyond what she said. I never met the child till February and tbh I had forgotten she had one. The visits continued to happen on a weekly basis in which time I would either leave town or lock myself away on the pretext of doing essays.

    Anyway I did not foresee the relationship lasting beyond July, as I had planned to leave the UK the moment I received my scroll. But a job offer came along, decided to take it.

    July she moved in without her child because she wanted to find work. Tbh, I was expecting the relationship to crumble, but it got stronger and far more serious than before. Her child started to visit more than just once a week. Each time the child was around I either spent longer hours at work or found reasons to not come home.

    By late August she realized it was not a coincidence and started to put her foot down on me being away. But I still kept my distance. It worked because I found ways and means to stay away or do other things, so both mother and daughter can spend time together.

    Finally, yesterday my gf and her mom had a fallout and her mom said the agreement is over. Now the child must come live with us permanently.




    I been doing a hands-off, keep the distance and less is more approach when it comes to that child. But the child still likes being around me or doing stuff with me despite me taking every possible step to stay away. In regards to pressure, it is my gf who keeps pressuring me to take an interest in her child, she been doing that since May.

    As the pressure mounted, I told her I was not really good with children, but she stopped buying that excuse in early September.

    As for the child's biological father....... he hasn't seen the child before and has long since disappeared.



    That I actually have no problems with, relationships never really come first in my life... work, hobbies and travels come ahead Therefore I cannot expect my gf to place me as number 1 either In any case I doubt she places her own child as number 1 either

    As for going out and little one back in the house..... that will be my gf's problem...... she can deal with it My problem is to get out of the house when I feel like it
    What concerns me is that you say work, hobbies and travel come before your relationship. I would have thought the fact that you're living together would have made it more serious that that, but evidently not. I honestly think you need to either move out NOW, before the kid gets too attached to you, or get a little more serious about this relationship. Single parenthood does not mix well with casual relationships, imo.

    My other concern is that you don't think your girlfriend puts her child first either? What kind of a mother is she? :confused:
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    (Original post by alibobs)
    My ex was a single dad when I met him (and is again obviously). Definitely agree with taking it slow. I was very lucky in the fact that once his daughter got used to me being around she wanted me around all the time, liked being with me etc etc. I had no hostility except from the obvious kiddy refusals to do things. Take it slowly, let the child do the bonding with you, don't try and force it. Definitely DON'T act like you are nothing to do with them etc etc, you need to be involved with them as much as they are comfortable - let them take the lead. Be aware that if the child's other parent is around they will probably, though not always, be off with you. Although that may be more to do with my exes ex being a total nob tbh, I know other people with split families who get on great with each other. Also don't be afraid to tell them off if they're being naughty, somethign I really struggled with but as long as they are being naughty in a way that you know their parent would agree with you iyswim....don't have a go if they are doing something you don't like much but that they're parents find perfectly acceptable lol
    Other than that, just be yourself and let them be themselves and things just develop as they develop.
    Thank you for the insight....


    (Original post by riotgrrl)
    What concerns me is that you say work, hobbies and travel come before your relationship. I would have thought the fact that you're living together would have made it more serious that that, but evidently not. I honestly think you need to either move out NOW, before the kid gets too attached to you, or get a little more serious about this relationship. Single parenthood does not mix well with casual relationships, imo.

    My other concern is that you don't think your girlfriend puts her child first either? What kind of a mother is she? :confused:
    Work has always come as number 1 for me...... and if it isn't then I probably won't survive long in the type of work I do.

    Hobbies and travels, I probably will tone it down in time to come, just not yet especially when finally I could afford some of the toys I been coveting

    As for leaving her, I won't leave her..... I don't really want to start the upping and leave the moment something gets tough.

    She has her dreams too and she is still young, like most people her age fun and enjoyment comes number one...... but I guess she will have to start putting that child as number 1.
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    (Original post by Iorek)
    Thank you for the insight....




    Work has always come as number 1 for me...... and if it isn't then I probably won't survive long in the type of work I do.

    Hobbies and travels, I probably will tone it down in time to come, just not yet especially when finally I could afford some of the toys I been coveting

    As for leaving her, I won't leave her..... I don't really want to start the upping and leave the moment something gets tough.

    She has her dreams too and she is still young, like most people her age fun and enjoyment comes number one...... but I guess she will have to start putting that child as number 1.
    How much contact does she have with her own child? How often does she see him/her, how devoted as a parent is she etc etc? I know it's tough for younger parents, my friend was 17 when her first was born and she really struggled with the whole "mummy thing" while all her other friends were going out and stuff. I can't imagine anyone with a kid not having the child as their top priority though, even if it doesn't show so much. How old is she? Fun and enjoyment should never come above your own child no matter how old you are! Maybe she just keeps it to herself how important the child is. Otherwise I would be slightly worried if I'm honest! NOne of my business, just once you have a child they are really the centre of your universe and everything revolves around them, You still have your own life of course and do other things, but they're the main thing in your life
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    (Original post by alibobs)
    How much contact does she have with her own child? How often does she see him/her, how devoted as a parent is she etc etc? I know it's tough for younger parents, my friend was 17 when her first was born and she really struggled with the whole "mummy thing" while all her other friends were going out and stuff. I can't imagine anyone with a kid not having the child as their top priority though, even if it doesn't show so much. How old is she? Fun and enjoyment should never come above your own child no matter how old you are! Maybe she just keeps it to herself how important the child is. Otherwise I would be slightly worried if I'm honest! NOne of my business, just once you have a child they are really the centre of your universe and everything revolves around them, You still have your own life of course and do other things, but they're the main thing in your life
    Your questions...... my answers

    How much contact does she have with her own child? - Much of last academic year, hardly any when she was not around the child.

    How often does she see him/her? - Between last August and December, 2 times.
    December just during xmas break.
    Jan - none at all. She said the exams were killing her.
    Feb - June - Once a week usually for a couple of hours or at the most an overnight.
    Since July till now, between 2-4 days a week.

    How old is she? - She just turned 20... child is 4.

    How devoted as a parent is she etc etc? - Not sure how to answer this...... but between a night out in town or a night in with her daughter.. she probably take the night out....... if she can afford the child minder. She does try her best to push some "parenting" duty on me but I usually find ways to dodge spending time with her child. Good parent or not..... well I guess she is doing the best she could given the circumstance.
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    (Original post by Iorek)
    Your questions...... my answers

    How much contact does she have with her own child? - Much of last academic year, hardly any when she was not around the child.

    How often does she see him/her? - Between last August and December, 2 times.
    December just during xmas break.
    Jan - none at all. She said the exams were killing her.
    Feb - June - Once a week usually for a couple of hours or at the most an overnight.
    Since July till now, between 2-4 days a week.

    How old is she? - She just turned 20... child is 4.

    How devoted as a parent is she etc etc? - Not sure how to answer this...... but between a night out in town or a night in with her daughter.. she probably take the night out....... if she can afford the child minder. She does try her best to push some "parenting" duty on me but I usually find ways to dodge spending time with her child. Good parent or not..... well I guess she is doing the best she could given the circumstance.
    Well that's fair enough I guess. Not everyone just switches onto parent mode as soon as the child is born. If she has the contact with him/her that you say she probably doesn't have much of a bond. Based on that though I have to say you don't really need to worry too much about your relationship with the child, as she doesn't have a lot of one either. I dunno, maybe she would be more into the child if she thought you would definitely still be interested if she did? Not that it's up to you to do that, don't get me wrong. So...when she is done at uni are you all plannign on living together? Or her having her kid with her full time? Just wondering because as it stands I don't suppose you see the child ever realy do you?
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    (Original post by alibobs)
    Well that's fair enough I guess. Not everyone just switches onto parent mode as soon as the child is born. If she has the contact with him/her that you say she probably doesn't have much of a bond. Based on that though I have to say you don't really need to worry too much about your relationship with the child, as she doesn't have a lot of one either. I dunno, maybe she would be more into the child if she thought you would definitely still be interested if she did? Not that it's up to you to do that, don't get me wrong. So...when she is done at uni are you all plannign on living together? Or her having her kid with her full time? Just wondering because as it stands I don't suppose you see the child ever realy do you?
    My gf has been living with me since July, that's when she brought her daughter more often over. As mentioned earlier, my gf had an agreement with her mom that that the child can stay at home till she finishes uni.

    As for my gf, I always encourage her to spend time with her child and I do not hinder her from bringing her child over, so she comes over 2-3 days per week. I try to let both mom and child be together as long as possible.

    Ever since my gf moved in and with her daughter coming by more often things have improved between them. Less screaming and shouting at least. When the child came along, I did everything I could to escape, but my gf figured out what I was up to and started insisting on my involvement. Therefore it is usually 1 evening a week that I have to end up looking after her or spending time with her, or else my gf would start planning things for all 3 of us, or she would hijack any plans I make for myself so it becomes a 3 person instead of a 1 person thing. The child does enjoy spending time with me or having my attention at least......

    The problem now is, my gf had a fallout with her mother, the agreement immediately came to an end, now the child will come live with us permanently. Probably would mean some changes I suppose?
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    Ahhh I see. Well if your gf's little girl is going to be living with you you're both going to have to get used to the fact you will be a family. If you don't want that, get out now before the child gets too attached. You are with the child's mum, the child is going to be living with you, you can't avoid spending time together as the three of you, it's going to be the three of you now and you can't shut the kid out. It doesn't mean you never get to do your own thing, btu be prepared that things will get more family unit like if and when your gf's daughter moves in. The kid is only 4, she needs a stable family life. Growing up in a family where her mum's boyfriend is always avoiding her and doesn't want to sepnd time with her and her mum together isn't good. I'm not saying that's what you would do, just saying it's something you need to think of. I know it's bloody hard to take on someone else's kid, I dunno how old you are but I had literally just turned 22 and my ex's kid was 5. It was hard work, hard to adjust to and a pretty steep learning curve for all 3 of us (although mostly me ) Sometimes I would think "what the **** am I doing?" but it was fine. It was weird to not be someone's number one priority in a relationship and it was weird having to watch what you say and do in case little eyes and ears pick it up but it was worth it
 
 
 
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