Long one, apologies in advance!
So my best friend is a guy, he tells me everything and vice versa and for a long time we were just friends - we lived a long way apart and we never both seemed to be single at the same time. In September I moved house and wound up living a lot closer to him, we were both single, we started spending a lot of time together and in the end we inevitably wound up seeing each other.
As I said, we'd both been with other people, however I wasn't a virgin when we got together and he was - not a big deal for me, but we ended up moving pretty quickly and were getting fairly intimate, mostly on his instigation, very quickly. When we'd been seeing each other maybe a fortnight we wound up in bed together naked, he goes for a condom and totally loses his hard-on. I assumed he was just nervous, didn't really mention it, just did other stuff and tried to boost his confidence a bit (hopefully subtly!)
However, it's now been 2 months, he still hasn't managed to get or keep hard enough and understandably it was making me feel a bit unattractive and rubbish, so I brought it up with him. He then told me that he thought he might be asexual - I've actually known an asexual girl, so I knew what it was about, and I just told him that we should leave it for now, and he knew where I was if he wanted to talk about it.
I don't really mind the lack of sex for the time being, but what's confusing me is his mixed signals. When I've stayed over since telling me he might be asexual he's behaved exactly the same as usual, minus trying to have sex - he's been just as interested in foreplay and oral and messing around and it's been him initiating, rather than me. Is that normal for someone asexual, is it literally just the actual act of sex they aren't interested in, or is it possible that he's still nervous or having trouble getting it up and he's just covering?
I really care about him, maybe even love him and I hate the idea that I might be making him feel bad, even indirectly. I wondered if going on the pill so that we could try without a condom might help, but I don't want to pressure him into sex if he is asexual.
If anyone has any relevant experience, I'd love to hear. I realise that ultimately I need to talk to him, but I don't want to undermine his asexuality if it's for real...
Boyfriend asexual or just nervous? Watch
- Thread Starter
- 27-12-2010 01:58
- 27-12-2010 03:35
I don't have any personal experience of this but I'm pretty sure a-sexual means what it says. Without any sexual desire. So if he wanted to have sex but lost his hard-on (and therefore had to be aroused anyway to have an erection) he's probably not a-sexual.
I think it's a lot more likely that he's nervous, especially as you have different levels of experience. It's probably not going to help trying to have sex without a condom as his erection disappeared before putting it on.
Like you said, more discussion is probably needed. If I were you, I would ask him if he actually wanted to have sex
why he does or doesn't want to have sex (nerves etc.)
if there was anything else he wanted to try before or if there was anything you could do to make him feel better about the situation.
Oh and by the way, from stories from friends it's not uncommon for guys to lose an erection before their first time, or first time with a new girl.
- 27-12-2010 03:49
I think he's gay.
- 27-12-2010 03:52
He probably feels awkward doing it.
- 27-12-2010 03:58
Tried helping him on with the rubber?