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How are we NOT in a relationship? Watch

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    I recently met this guy and slept with him having met him just a few times. He made it clear that we were not together and that he just wanted 'hot and passionate' sex. However, he certainly does not treat me as a "sex buddy". When I come over he cooks me dinner, we are monogamous, now that I have gone to see my friends up North for xmas and New Year's we are on skype every day whenever he's home.

    When we go out to bars and stuff he pays for my drink and does not let me pay. We are in touch every day when we're in the same city, and he calls me on skype after work if we are both online. Sounds like a relationship to me! We cuddle and hold hands in public.

    Yet recently he said he doesn't want to 'break my heart' and that I shouldn't get attached, but has carried on in the same way. However, I should mention that the age difference between us of seven years is the ONLY thing which he has mentioned as stopping him from being in a relationship with me.

    I need advice because I don't want my heart broken yet at the same time I think he's in denial! Any opinions from lads are appreciated. Do men who want you as a sex buddy behave like this?! Even friends don't call each other up every day.
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    Some people want the 'benefits' of a relationship without actually being in a relationship. That's basically it. If you don't want your heart broken, I'd suggest breaking off this 'thing' otherwise you will probably just fall for him. Unless you're in your mid teens and he's worrying about what others would think (and it doesn't sound like you are), I doubt that your age is putting him off. Don't take it personally; many people out there are just scared of commitment. I'm a girl, but that is just my input.
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    he doesn't want a relationship with you but as you're there you'll do for now would be my guess

    You need to speak to him about it. i speak to one of my male friends everyday, totally platonic, but we just like to catch up and make sure each other is ok, and calm him down when he's stressed which is most days. He won't let me pay for anything when together, walk along arm in arm, but i've never kissed/slept with him.
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    If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, then he would be. I have been in a similar situation before - he's telling you he doesn't want to hurt you and for you not to get attached - listen to him. I don't think it's responsible for him to be treating you as though you're in a relationship without calling it such, but for whatever reason, that's his issue, you need to put yourself first, take control of the situation and call it a day; it won't end well for you otherwise.
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    Lol did he actually say 'hot and passionate'?

    Maybe he just wants to be free to get with other girls as well, even though it seems as if he's quite into you. I assume it's him that's 7 years older - maybe that's how some older guys do.
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    (Original post by Silver fern)
    If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, then he would be. I have been in a similar situation before - he's telling you he doesn't want to hurt you and for you not to get attached - listen to him. I don't think it's responsible for him to be treating you as though you're in a relationship without calling it such, but for whatever reason, that's his issue, you need to put yourself first, take control of the situation and call it a day; it won't end well for you otherwise.

    Second thing- he found out I was seeing another guy at the same time (hey, we never said we were exclusive, right?) and he got REALLY upset and I said "Well you said you didn't want it serious". The thing is he had previously asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said 'no'. He said "Why do you think I asked you if you were seeing anyone? You are so bad at reading signs".

    But now he has gone back to denying any feelings for me! I think he feels a bit screwed over in that I was actually seeing someone else.
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    He likes you, maybe a lot.

    He's seeing other people.
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    he definately likes you, i think he's in denial.....
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    (Original post by Climbontoyourseahorse)
    Some people want the 'benefits' of a relationship without actually being in a relationship. That's basically it. If you don't want your heart broken, I'd suggest breaking off this 'thing' otherwise you will probably just fall for him. Unless you're in your mid teens and he's worrying about what others would think (and it doesn't sound like you are), I doubt that your age is putting him off. Don't take it personally; many people out there are just scared of commitment. I'm a girl, but that is just my input.
    He keeps moaning that I am not older. And he said that's all that's stopping him. He says he thinks that because I am so young I am not ready to commit and that I will change a lot as a person, my priorities will change and that's why he can't do this. In other words- he thinks I still want to have my fun.
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    I agree with a lot that people above are saying, but mostly he seems just quite confused. As if he's scared of having a relationship, but does want to judging by how he acts towards you. Maybe he has hurt a lot of girls in the past, or has been hurt himself, and is just acting warily to try and not make the same mistakes. But it's not fair on you. If you're serious about him, give him an ultimatum and say that either you two are in a relationship or not at all. Otherwise it'll continue like this and you'll end up falling for him and you could get yourself hurt.
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    I'm in a similar situation with the guy I'm seeing. We talk every day, meet up every few days out of term time, but we're not together because neither of us want a relationship, let alone a long distance one. (Also I'm horrible as a girlfriend).

    Perhaps you could ask him what his feelings towards you are. If he feels the same way as you, then do you mind this arrangement of almost-relationship? If he doesn't, then it may be better to break it off.

    Assuming you can both be happy with the arrangement, why does it need to be labeled a relationship, as you're both getting all the benefits of being in one?
    (You may want to make clear boundaries on what counts as cheating and what doesn't if you're going to be in the almost-relationship, as it can cause horrible arguments :P)
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Second thing- he found out I was seeing another guy at the same time (hey, we never said we were exclusive, right?) and he got REALLY upset and I said "Well you said you didn't want it serious". The thing is he had previously asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said 'no'. He said "Why do you think I asked you if you were seeing anyone? You are so bad at reading signs".

    But now he has gone back to denying any feelings for me! I think he feels a bit screwed over in that I was actually seeing someone else.
    He's probably licking his wounds - it's not as accepted for women to date more than one guy than the other way round. But you were never exclusive so he can't have it both ways unless he actually says what he wants.
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    You aren't in a relationship simply because he has said so. I do agree that if you aren't comfortable with this then you should walk away to avoid heartbreak.
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    He just doesn't want commitment, simples.
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    (Original post by Silver fern)
    He's probably licking his wounds - it's not as accepted for women to date more than one guy than the other way round. But you were never exclusive so he can't have it both ways unless he actually says what he wants.
    I'll just add that now that I'm away he has said he won't sleep with anyone else. Also he said he was really surprised when I said "let me know if you shag someone else when I'm away so we can start using condoms when I get back". I try to play it cool and always act business-like with him. He said he has broken a lot of hearts. Therefore, I'm trying to be 'different'. And I think that shocks him.

    Given everything that's happened, is it possible that he does actually likes me and is scared because he got screwed over when he found out I was seeing someone else? He was quite mad...
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    I'll be honest with you, I think you're reading too much into this.

    And you didn't screw him over FFS. Emptying a joint account of life savings is screwing someone over, sleeping with someone else when you're single isn't. You are not in an exclusive, committed relationship with this guy, it isn't even any of his business if you choose to sleep with others.

    Believe me when I say when I was younger I was in your position - I wanted to be the different girl to show my worth and show the guy who has been hurt previously that I am 'the one' who will prove him wrong, heal him so he can love again and we'll go onto lead a charmed life together. Stuff like that generally is the preserve of movies where a guy buys you couture, a $250,000 necklace and takes you to the opera.
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    (Original post by Silver fern)
    I'll be honest with you, I think you're reading too much into this.

    And you didn't screw him over FFS. Emptying a joint account of life savings is screwing someone over, sleeping with someone else when you're single isn't. You are not in an exclusive, committed relationship with this guy, it isn't even any of his business if you choose to sleep with others.

    Believe me when I say when I was younger I was in your position - I wanted to be the different girl to show my worth and show the guy who has been hurt previously that I am 'the one' who will prove him wrong, heal him so he can love again and we'll go onto lead a charmed life together. Stuff like that generally is the preserve of movies where a guy buys you couture, a $250,000 necklace and takes you to the opera.
    I've had that too :P Not $250 000, but couture and opera. With someone else though. I've lived the dream! I don't want to be 'the one' or anything, I just want him to like me for me
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    At least one of us is

    It does sound he likes you for you, I don't think he would have invested that time and energy otherwise, but it doesn't mean he wants a relationship - and that's probably more to do with him than you. Not taking it personally is easier said than done though...
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    You need to talk to him and find out where you both stand, if you want to be sex buddies fine, if you want more you need to tell him, but don't sleep with him if you do want a relationship. I think basically you both need to sort out what you both want!
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    7 years is not a significant age gap at really - unless you're really young. How old are you, OP?

    It sounds like you're effectively in a relationship, but unfortunately it's not a relationship unless both people agree to it. To be honest, it sounds like you should end it before you end up really hurt It might even force him to make a decision one way or another because right now he wants to "have his cake and eat it." It sounds as though he's confused and a little messed up. Also, he has absolutely no right to expect things to be exclusive between you unless he gives you some sort of commitment.

    Maybe you should try and have an honest discussion about how you're both feeling? If he denies he has feelings for you then he's really not worth it.
 
 
 
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